Was my comment inappropriate?

GardenMadness

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

Hmmm, as anybody said he sexually harrased her yet?

Why?

py2006

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

Hmmm, as anybody said he sexually harrased her yet?

It was suggested by a poster that his victim could have looked at it that way...

Boskowski

This thread has completely taken the wrong turn.

No Yore Ma's no pics or gtfo. And way too many sensible opinions. Very disappointing. It had such potential.

Ficheall

sopretty wrote: »

You don't seem to understand. It's not about actions/behaviours/words spoken. It's about how you perceive these things.

Maybe you could be a little clearer then.
Suppose* there's some lass at work whom I fancy (a colleague as opposed to a boss, shall we say) and she fancies me in return.
Now, you suggest that I shouldn't suspect that she is interested as she has given no signals, right? Similarly, presumably, I shouldn't indicate to her that I'm interested, as it seems ladies take offence at this sort of thing, going by some of the posts in this thread, yes? Logically speaking, then, it seems that there should be no progress whatsoever - is that correct?
Or should I just bite the bullet and tell her I find her attractive?




*This is an entirely hypothetical scenario - there are no women where I work.

Colser

Ficheall wrote: »

Maybe you could be a little clearer then.
Suppose* there's some lass at work whom I fancy (a colleague as opposed to a boss, shall we say) and she fancies me in return.
Now, you suggest that I shouldn't suspect that she is interested as she has given no signals, right? Similarly, presumably, I shouldn't indicate to her that I'm interested, as it seems ladies take offence at this sort of thing, going by some of the posts in this thread, yes? Logically speaking, then, it seems that there should be no progress whatsoever - is that correct?
Or should I just bite the bullet and tell her I find her attractive?




*This is an entirely hypothetical scenario - there are no women where I work.

Are you married in this hypothetical scenario??

Ficheall

Aye, I know we've wandered off-topic somewhat, sorry.


But it's not relevant to the point I'm making, which is that this logic:

sopretty wrote: »

Rhotheta wrote: »

Why should he have known that you wouldn't be interested?

3. I never in any way gave off any signals (intentional anyway!) that I was interested.

leads to a sort of inertia.

Rhotheta

I'd like to hear more about these signals some women give out, sounds intriguing.

JonKelleher

Rhotheta wrote: »

I got chatting to a woman who works in my office on a night out. Never spoke to her before, just noticed her gliding around the office. Anyway at one point I told her I thought she was beautiful and if I wasn't married I would attempt to chat her her up. She laughed and we chatted some more before making our way back to our friends. A colleague overheard and thought that comment was innapropriate as I'm a married man.

What is the opinion of after hours on the matter?

Yes! I would definitely consider that a licentious comment!

JonKelleher

Boskowski wrote: »

This thread has completely taken the wrong turn.

No Yore Ma's no pics or gtfo. And way too many sensible opinions. Very disappointing. It had such potential.

Sorry you didn't get the low-brow wanton dross you so desperately craved.

sopretty

Rhotheta wrote: »

I'd like to hear more about these signals some women give out, sounds intriguing.

I doubt you're ever going to receive any of them!

Rhotheta

sopretty wrote: »

I doubt you're ever going to receive any of them!

cool

Well done on holding back and maintaining some mystery OP!

Are there married women also going around the office telling young fellas "You're gorgeous, if I wasn't married I would..." and the like? I seriously doubt it. Whether you care or not, she now sees you as 'strange married guy who wants to jump my bones'.

You've let us men down today OP, the Elders will surely know by now and you can assume that your 'Man Badge' is currently under review.

py2006

sopretty wrote: »

I doubt you're ever going to receive any of them!

You seem to know a lot about people you don't know...

Rhotheta

stankratz wrote: »

Well done on holding back and maintaining some mystery OP!

Are there married women also going around the office telling young fellas "You're gorgeous, if I wasn't married I would..." and the like? I seriously doubt it. Whether you care or not, she now sees you as 'strange married guy who wants to jump my bones'.

You've let us men down today OP, the Elders will surely know by now and you can assume that your 'Man Badge' is currently under review.

Unfortunately for this gliding office female I only told her I would try to chat her up, not shag her.

JonKelleher

Rhotheta wrote: »

Unfortunately for this gliding office female I only told her I would try to chat her up, not shag her.

This is unnecessary, and you are bringing this thread in a direction it doesn't need to go!

sopretty

py2006 wrote: »

You seem to know a lot about people you don't know...

I know lots of things!

sopretty

JonKelleher wrote: »

This is unnecessary, and you are bringing this thread in a direction it doesn't need to go!

Are we in a court of law with you as a self appointed judge telling us what 'direction' we need to bring this thread down? Are we all gone down the wrong path? :cool:

blueser

Damned if I'm going to trawl back through twenty-odd pages, so apologies if (as is probably likely) this has been posted earlier. Anyway;

quick question to the OP. Did you tell your colleague to mind his/her own business and not to be passing comment on a conversation that didn't include him/her?

JonKelleher

sopretty wrote: »

Are we in a court of law with you as a self appointed judge telling us what 'direction' we need to bring this thread down? Are we all gone down the wrong path? :cool:

No, this is not a court of law, this is an online forum. Dullard.

Ficheall

sopretty wrote: »

I doubt you're ever going to receive any of them!

Well now!

So compliments to make other people feel better are less acceptable than insulting others to make yourself better, is it?

Rhotheta

Rhotheta wrote: »

Unfortunately for this gliding office female I only told her I would try to chat her up, not shag her.

Ok, so why bother chatting her up if it wouldn't eventually lead anywhere?

And I'm sorry, but telling a girl "I would try to chat you up" is actually chatting her up! By letting her know that you like her like that you've entered the realm of flirting, which in 100% of cases is the result of some level of sexual attraction towards the person you're flirting with. She now knows that you have a sexual attraction towards her.

I'm not saying that you are a monster OP, and everyone has their own ways of getting through their working day and/or marital frustrations, but you asked if it was inappropriate and I think that it was.

blueser

blueser wrote: »

Damned if I'm going to trawl back through twenty-odd pages, so apologies if (as is probably likely) this has been posted earlier. Anyway;

quick question to the OP. Did you tell your colleague to mind his/her own business and not to be passing comment on a conversation that didn't include him/her?

I also overlooked this myself OP. Whatever about us wisdomous internet people telling you about the situation, you came in here asking for opinions. As for the observer at work, 'please mind your business' or something similar surely would have been warranted there, unless she/he is your superior of course!

ceadaoin.

Yes it was inappropriate (and sleazy, by the way) Not just because it was in a work situation but also because you are married! What did you hope to achieve by making that comment? Were you hoping she would respond positively, in which case then you were, in fact, trying to chat her up. Seems like you just threw in the 'if I wasn't married' bit so that if she rejected your advances you could act like you weren't coming on to her. I don't see any other way that comment could be construed

py2006

If anything it's a little forward. It all depends on how well he knows her or knows enough to be confident of a positive reaction (as in a laugh or an acceptance of compliment). You probably wouldn't say it to a complete and utter stranger unless drunk.

I personally wouldn't say it.

Rhotheta

stankratz wrote: »

Ok, so why bother chatting her up if it wouldn't eventually lead anywhere?

And I'm sorry, but telling a girl "I would try to chat you up" is actually chatting her up! By letting her know that you like her like that you've entered the realm of flirting, which in 100% of cases is the result of some level of sexual attraction towards the person you're flirting with. She now knows that you have a sexual attraction towards her.

I'm not saying that you are a monster OP, and everyone has their own ways of getting through their working day and/or marital frustrations, but you asked if it was inappropriate and I think that it was.

I can understand why the second comment might be deemed inappropriate.I chatted to her because I enjoyed chatting to with people, I told her she is beautiful as it's nice to compliment someone when they know you didn't have an ulterior motive. She knew I wasn't interested in anything more than a harmless chat. I didn't chat her up, just chatted. If I were chatting her up I would have let her known I wanted to move things forward our I would have physically moved things forward and I probably wouldn't have told her she's beautiful as she probably hears that all the time.

Ficheall

ceadaoin. wrote: »

What did you hope to achieve by making that comment?

Have you never complimented anyone solely with a view to bringing a smile to their face? Have you an ulterior motive for every nice thing you do?

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Seems like you just threw in the 'if I wasn't married' bit so that if she rejected your advances you could act like you weren't coming on to her. I don't see any other way that comment could be construed

I'm sure if you looked just a teensy bit harder, you would find it could be construed as stopping any inappropriate musings on her part dead in their tracks.

sopretty

Ficheall wrote: »

Have you never complimented anyone solely with a view to bringing a smile to their face? Have you an ulterior motive for every nice thing you do?


I'm sure if you looked just a teensy bit harder, you would find it could be construed as stopping any inappropriate musings on her part dead in their tracks.

Ficheall - are you in the habit of randomly complimenting people on their appearance in the workplace? Are you in the habit of 'rewarding' some fellow employees with the knowledge that, were you in a position to, you'd chat them up?

py2006

sopretty wrote: »

Ficheall - are you in the habit of randomly complimenting people on their appearance in the workplace? Are you in the habit of 'rewarding' some fellow employees with the knowledge that, were you in a position to, you'd chat them up?

Who is? We don't fancy everyone we work with. There are times in my life where I wish I had the confidence to tell certain women I thought they were beautiful.

Ficheall

sopretty wrote: »

Ficheall - are you in the habit of randomly complimenting people on their appearance in the workplace?

Yes, actually. And?

maguic24

JonKelleher wrote: »

This is unnecessary, and you are bringing this thread in a direction it doesn't need to go!

/Thread Closed

hehe :P

GardenMadness

py2006 wrote: »

Who is? We don't fancy everyone we work with. There are times in my life where I wish I had the confidence to tell certain women I thought they were beautiful.

Do you think they cared what you thought?

ceadaoin.

Ficheall wrote: »

Have you never complimented anyone solely with a view to bringing a smile to their face? Have you an ulterior motive for every nice thing you do?


I'm sure if you looked just a teensy bit harder, you would find it could be construed as stopping any inappropriate musings on her part dead in their tracks.

Yes, of course I have complimented someone with no ulterior motive. There is a world of difference between telling someone their hair looks nice today and saying you think she is beautiful and if it wasn't for the wife you'd be chatting her up. I wouldn't tell a male colleague that I think he is hot because it would be inappropriate and embarrassing for all involved.

Rhotheta

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Yes it was inappropriate (and sleazy, by the way) Not just because it was in a work situation but also because you are married! What did you hope to achieve by making that comment? Were you hoping she would respond positively, in which case then you were, in fact, trying to chat her up. Seems like you just threw in the 'if I wasn't married' bit so that if she rejected your advances you could act like you weren't coming on to her. I don't see any other way that comment could be construed

I wasn't hoping to "achieve" anything. Chatting just for chatting's sake can be it's own reward.

py2006

GardenMadness wrote: »

Do you think they cared what you thought?

Who knows

ceadaoin.

Rhotheta wrote: »

I wasn't hoping to "achieve" anything. Chatting just for chatting's sake can be it's own reward.

Well why not just chat then without bringing up the colleagues attractiveness? You had never spoken to her before, surely you would realize that a comment such as the one you made is a bit forward and likely to make her run a mile (if she wasn't interested of course)

Rhotheta

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Well why not just chat then without bringing up the colleagues attractiveness? You had never spoken to her before, surely you would realize that a comment such as the one you made is a bit forward and likely to make her run a mile (if she wasn't interested of course)

It was on my mind so I said it. Simple as that. There was no plan or strategy behind the comment. Simply spontaneity.

maguic24

Ah, come one, there's no need to be singling out one poster.

py2006

Isn't it interesting what has become of society where a man should not pay a compliment to a women who has obviously taken pride in her appearance.

It would perk me up no end to receive a compliment on my appearance. But I'm a man so that's different.

I am pie

Looks like someone re-reg'd all on his ownsome.

GenieOz

Rhotheta wrote: »

It was on my mind so I said it. Simple as that. There was no plan or strategy behind the comment. Simply spontaneity.

I felt like saying what you said to a female friend once(I'm in a LT relationship) but the difference is I was in a horrid state of drunkenness and even then I knew it'd be inappropriate.

Ficheall

py2006 wrote: »

It would perk me up no end to receive a compliment on my appearance. But I'm a man so that's different.

I think you're sexy as fook, py.

py2006

Ficheall wrote: »

I think you're sexy as fook, py.

Why thank you....I mean, creep!!

maguic24

py2006 wrote: »

Isn't it interesting what has become of society where a man should not pay a compliment to a women who has obviously taken pride in her appearance.

It would perk me up no end to receive a compliment on my appearance. But I'm a man so that's different.

You're a lovely fellow. Here's a .

sopretty

Rhotheta wrote: »

It was on my mind so I said it. Simple as that. There was no plan or strategy behind the comment. Simply spontaneity.

If it was spontaneous, and nothing more than a simple off-the-cuff comment, why in God's name, did you feel the need to start a thread about it?

sopretty

py2006 wrote: »

If anything it's a little forward. It all depends on how well he knows her or knows enough to be confident of a positive reaction (as in a laugh or an acceptance of compliment). You probably wouldn't say it to a complete and utter stranger unless drunk.

I personally wouldn't say it.

He knew her very well. He had seen her gliding through the office on previous occasions.

Ficheall

sopretty wrote: »

If it was spontaneous, and nothing more than a simple off-the-cuff comment, why in God's name, did you feel the need to start a thread about it?

Because of the surprising reaction of the eavesdropper. Keep up :P

py2006

sopretty wrote: »

He knew her very well. He had seen her gliding through the office on previous occasions.

This was on a night out and he was already engaged in conversation before paying the compliment.

It's not like he walked up randomly in work.

Obliq

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Seems like you just threw in the 'if I wasn't married' bit so that if she rejected your advances you could act like you weren't coming on to her. I don't see any other way that comment could be construed

Edit: Meant to reply to this separately. I'm thinking now OP meant nothing at all by it except what he says below.....

Rhotheta wrote: »

I can understand why the second comment might be deemed inappropriate.I chatted to her because I enjoyed chatting to with people, I told her she is beautiful as it's nice to compliment someone when they know you didn't have an ulterior motive. She knew I wasn't interested in anything more than a harmless chat. I didn't chat her up, just chatted. If I were chatting her up I would have let her known I wanted to move things forward our I would have physically moved things forward and I probably wouldn't have told her she's beautiful as she probably hears that all the time.

Y'know, I've read on since earlier and I'm sticking by my original opinion of it was an inconsiderate comment (I said "at best", and at this stage, I'm prepared to believe that).

It popped into my head this afternoon that I've been totally fine about various old fellas saying "Jaysus, if I was twenty years younger, I'd......", usually without but sometimes with an attempt at an aul squeeze.

I would rationalise that to myself as harmless, BECAUSE it's a case of a preposterous suggestion. A proper "In your dreams, bud, and it's clearly staying there".

I actually now think we're making the mistake of assuming that "Jaysus, if I wasn't married, I'd....." is somehow a more risky suggestion, probably due to there being FAR more instances of cheating spouses than there are of aul lads getting a chance in hell with a woman 20 yrs younger. I'm going to take the OP at face value and say it was still inconsiderate, both for her work-place feelings and for his, but I reckon not creepy. We're just making it creepy, because of the odds that married men have a greater tendency to try their luck.

Whaddya think? Too reasonable?

sopretty

py2006 wrote: »

This was on a night out and he was already engaged in conversation before paying the compliment.

It's not like he walked up randomly in work.

'paying the compliment' you say?

I don't take comments from a presumably drunk married man, in a bar, with reference to my looks, as compliments.

py2006

sopretty wrote: »

'paying the compliment' you say?

I don't take comments from a presumably drunk married man, in a bar, with reference to my looks, as compliments.

I'm sober and unmarried I think your the cream in a custard cream!