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Abortion and Want to Talk :)
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17-03-2014 3:22am#1Hello Everyone,
This is a bit weird to be posting this on here but I couldn't think of anywhere else to post it. I had an abortion in England this time last year and while I have had the wondrous support of family, friends and anyone I've told, I really would like to talk to other girls in Ireland who have had abortions.
I go to University everyday where there are thousands of students, and I always find myself wondering if they have been in a similar situation. There is no-one I know who is my age who I can talk to about there experience. I feel that a group, where girls could talk to each other and feel supported would really help. There are thousands of Irish women who have had abortions and I'd love to know you.
Please pm me or post here if you'd like to talk.
P.S. I want this to be a positive post, not disseminate into an argument about the morality or legality of abortion. There are other threads for that where you can post your feelings if you wish.
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Hi Kenkashin, I'm an Irish woman who had an abortion in 2008. The only face to face support group I know of is the one run by Youth Defense which for obvious reasons isn't recommended.
If you want to "talk" I'm very open about my experience and am happy to share either here on the main board or via pm. 0 -
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Thanks everyone, I'm going to contact some organisations and see what they say. If people feel ok about talking about their stories here, it'd be really good to hear them.
Well, I'll start
I had my first baby in 1997 when I was 19, I had nothing going for me, no job, no family support, I was homeless, had no money...only for my boyfriend and his family god knows what would have happened. I've always been pro choice but I knew despite how crap my situation was that abortion wasn't for me. I had my daughter, went back to college, married my boyfriend, got a job, bought a house. I was the poster girl for how a pregnancy doesn't have to be the end of the world and I thought after going through all that and coming out the other side I would never be in a position where I would think about abortion.
When the recession hit in 2008 my husband lost his job and mine was very unstable ( my company eventually closed in 09 ). It was at this time I found out I was pregnant, we hadn't been taking precautions and got caught out. I was 31. he was 36.
I knew from the moment I took the test I wasn't going to have the baby, money issues aside I just didn't want a child at that time. We were getting married in a few months and I was finally starting to get a bit of freedom now my daughter was older. Luckily we were both on the same page so we organised everything and flew over the the UK a few weeks later. We were fortunate that we had the money and had each other for support but it was awful, the feeling of having to sneak away like we were doing something to be ashamed of is still with me, I feel so angry to this day I was forced to travel for something that I should be able to access in my own country.
The clinic was full of girls with overnight bags so I can only imagine they were Irish too. One in particular I will never forget, she only looked about 16 or 17, the same age my daughter is now. She spent the entire time we were in the waiting room turned into a wall crying, I didn't go over to her but I wish I had now. She was on her own, how can we force our women, children in some cases, to go through this ordeal on their own. Its shameful :mad:
Mentally I'm fine now, I don't have any regrets but for a long time after the nasty comments from the pro life groups got to me and made me feel very depressed. I never felt I need counselling but it's nice to talk to people who have been there and share your frustrations.
Physically I'm fine and was able to have a healthy pregnancy the following year when we were back on our feet and more financially able for it. I still feel resentful at people who don't take the time to listen to the stories of women and couples and just judge. I've lost friends over it, people who can't accept it but I've also found some amazing people who support my decision. Even my mother in law who was a traditional Catholic for so long told me last year she respects our decision and is now pro choice.
I don't feel any shame in what I did. I never thought I would ever be in a position that I would consider abortion let alone actually have one but it just goes to show you never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it yourself.0 -
Thank you for sharing your story Eviltwin. As mentioned in another thread I had three abortions To prevent a very, very long story, I'll stick to the first one here, since that one took place in Ireland.
When I was 20 I moved over from my homecountry to Ireland. Looking back it was a textbook story; young girl moves away from home, behaves irresponsibly and endes up pregnant. I had a drunken one night stand with a guy I went out with. We forgot to use a condom and having no knowlegde about Ireland's healthcare system, marched into Boots the following morning asking for the MAP. She must have had a stroke hearing that question.....and told me I had to go to a GP and he would prescribe me one. Only issue was that I was flat broke from the recolation, hadn't had my wages yet and no-one to borrow money from. I thought/prayed I would be fine, and gambled wrong. I vividly remembered the moment when I figured out I could be pregnant, I just made dinner, potato wedges and fishfingers when I felt my stomach lurge. I couldn't touch the fish fingers anymore, but I ate those potato's like it was my last meal. In a sense it was; from that moment, till the moment I had my abortion, I couldn't eat properly anymore, I was too sick.
The next day I got a test. It literally took 3 seconds for a positive result to show up; I felt gutted. I was merely 5 weeks in a new country, with no money to go back home, in a new job that I couldn't aford to lose, I knew nobody except for the people I came with(and we weren't that close) and to top it off, I got a call the exact same day only to hear that my granddad has suddenly passed away.
I don't really recall the days after that. I went to my granddads funeral and couldn't bring myself to tell my parents I was pregnant. The man I slept with was a black man, not an issue to me, but my father is pretty racist and I knew he wouldn't accept it, and indeed he didn't. When I finally had the heart to tell them, I was told I got pregnant by someone little better than "a pig"and that I had disgraced them and the family and what was I thinking?
In the meantime I got sick, very, very sick. I threw up non-stop and lost a lot of weight. During that time, me and the people I came to Ireland with had decided to rent a house together, so I gave up the room I had in another house share and moved in with them, meaning that I had a matras on the floor in the living room, then they dropped a bombshell: they had changed their minds, could I please find somewhere else to live? The next week were nothing short of hell: they played video games in the livingroom(where I slept) till 4:00/5:00 am in the morning, while I was in a dire state physically from the pregnancy and very sleep deprived from them staying up so late and the never ending vomiting. Often I went out on the street at night, wandering/staggering around, because it was more quiet there than inside. People must have thought I was homeless: my skin had a weird yellow tone to it because I was dehydrated and lacking in vitames and very underweight. Since it was their house, I didn't had the heart to tell them if they could please stop earlier and let me sleep and they never once asked if I was okay, even though it must have been so obvious that I was not.
The decision to have an abortion, I must admit, was easier to make because I was so sick. I really did fear for my health and how long I would be able to keep this up. But part of me was very sad too: I had this vision of a dark skinned baby girl with braided hair in the cutest dresses imaginable and I felt happy at the thought of becoming a mum. It felt so bizarre ringing that abortion clinic and making an appointment; I never in a million years thought I had to do that, let alone three times.
I arranged time of off work under the guise of a holiday back home and flew back to NL. When the day came I was sort of relieved. My mum went with me, and my dad gave me a lecture after I came home from the procedure. It was one of the loneliest moments of my life: I was in pain from the abortion, just lost my child I deep down didn't really wanna lose and my father was giving out about getting pregnant by a black man, horrible thing, never do that again, etc. etc. Sometimes I wonder if he realised what he was saying and how hurtful and unthoughtful it was, or that he just lost his first grandchild.
The effects of the abortion were instant: I could eat normally again immediately and I ate like nothing else on Gods earth. After 7 weeks of eating jars of baby-food, and throwing it back up almost instantly, having a proper meal felt like winning the lottery. It roughly took 6 months for me to regain all the weight I lost, and three weeks before all the bruising in my stomach I got from all the throwing up had gone away.
A little while ago I gave an interview in a newspaper about my experience with abortion. I don't know the reactions it got, I deliberately didn't read it. But the abuse we get from the pro-life camp is nothing but horrific. I remember two girls on an abortion forum who were raped and fell pregnant as a result: none of them recieved any sympathy for entertaining the idea of abortion or any words of compassion for what happend to them; in fact, they were told that it had"happend for a reason" and therefore had to have this baby, no matter what. The stories behind our choice do not seem to matter to them, I never understood why they are so fixated on other womens pregnancies and what we should or shouldn't do with it. They act like we woke up on a rainy sunday afternoon and decided to get have an abortion because of the free tea and cookies you get afterwards, it's ridiculous. Story/rant over 0 -
Thanks for sharing guys
I only had an abortion last year, on May 18th 2013. I was 20 when i fell pregnant after my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He was 19. I remember my body starting to get a little flabbier and I started sleeping really well. Even on the day I found out I was pregnant, I had no idea. It was Valentines day and my boyfriend and I went to the Zoo. We had a great time, but I remember passing an anti abortion stand somewhere near henry st and my boyfriend and I began debating about abortion. I was very pro-choice and he was totally against abortion. On the way home from the zoo I decided to buy a pregnancy test because my period was due and I just thought it would put our minds at ease until it arrived. I was living in Student Residences at the time and went back to the apartment I lived in with the girls. I peed while my boyfriend chatted to one of my housemates. Later he told me that she had said "You know she is probably pregnant, right? So you need to be prepared." It seemed I was the last to know I was pregnant. Looking back at photos I had gained a lot of weight and I'm usually quite thin so it was pretty obvious.
Everyone I lived with was hugely supportive buying me loads of food that night while we all freaked out and indulged in anything and everything. I remember sitting on the floor of my room with my boyfriend and him offering to pay for an abortion in England. I was shocked, considering a mere few hours ago he'd been adamant that it was morally wrong. Telling my mum was easy enough, she was shocked yet supportive but firm that she believed an abortion was the best decision.
So I went at the end of February to get an abortion in Essex, but for some strange reason the ultrasound wouldn't work on my tummy and they calculated I was only 4 weeks pregnant (even thought I was 6) and so it was too early for me to have an abortion. They said to wait a few weeks and come back. About 8 days later I had some bleeding and so went to my college doctor who sent me for an emergency scan in Holle St. This was weird. My boyfriend and I both enjoyed getting the scan done and seeing the images but it had no effect on our decision. Shockingly, they had been wrong in Essex, by then I was over 8 weeks pregnant and as there are restrictions after 9 weeks in England I had to take the first available appointment and go. I was really really angry with the clinic.
This time I went to Bristol with my mum which was much nicer. I remember undressing into one of those gowns and being so scared when I went into the procedure room and seeing the stirrups for your feet. I think i would have left at that point out of fear had the nurse not been so nice and stayed with me and held my hand. I got the anesthetic which made me feel woozy and don't remember anything until I remember kinda coming to and being confused and trying to sit up and seeing the surgeon move a small plastic tube in and out of me. Then i was brought to the recovery room and made lie down with other girls. One was crying. Then the next girl was still recovering from her anesthetic when she was brought in and started singing. Everyone just laughed at her, it eased the tension.
I left after an hour and as my flight wasn't til the evening I had to walk around Bristol all day with mum. I was suprised at how normal I felt, physically and emotionally. My boyfriend collected me from the airport and i stayed with him that night, which I had done every night since I found out I was pregnant.
Because I had to go twice, and brought mum, it cost about 1,500 euro for the abortion which i think was hugely expensive. I was lucky that my parents funded it.
Now I try not to think about my abortion. I still feel really angry when I see any Pro-life people or posters. I just want to hit them!! For a while I felt sad, until I realised I wasn't mourning the loss of a baby, I was mourning the loss of what "could have been". I know this was the right decision. I'm in a very competitive course in University and have high ambitions for the future, ambitions that, because of finances etc., could never be achieved had I stayed pregnant.0 -
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I had one coming up on three years ago. It was the right decision and I've always known that, but the pregnancy, procedure and aftermath were horrific.
Literally, the day my period was due I started getting nauseous. Within a week I was throwing up, and after that I never stopped. I had hyperemesis and spent the entire next six weeks in and out of hospital for fluids.
I'd only been with the baby daddy less than a year and we were doing the long distance thing. He never came to visit me when I was in hospital and I was in a house share. I had no one to help me so I literally spent every minute I wasn't in hospital lying in bed with my eyes closed trying not to move in case the motion made me vomit.
He had just given up a paid job, so he was of no financial support at all either. I didn't get paid for sick leave and I work retail so there was no way I could be on my feet all day. Never mind the movement, the smell of perfume made me gag!
We were humming and haaahing over the situation for a long time. And because I was so ill I couldn't travel. It was almost week 12 when we made the decision and I was well enough to go, and only because I'd been in hospital for 2 days so I had fluids and anti-sickness meds in my system! The last thing they did in the hospital before I left was give me a 12 week scan "saying as I was there". I can still see my baby in my minds eye moving around. That will always stay with me.
So I had to pay for the flights for the two of us, a hotel because I didn't think I'd be able to travel back with the sickness, and the procedure itself because he had nothing. It drained every bit of money I had in the world, but I did it. When I rang the clinic to book the appointment I remember having to repeat myself about four times because my throat was so sore from being sick all the time.
The procedure when you arrive in Manchester airport is that there will be a cab driver holding up a number that they give you, and then they take you to the clinic.
When we got off the plane we saw about 4 other women from our flight going to the taxi drivers with the number signs. I was a bit shocked, I thought id be the only one. When we got to the clinic there were a good few other Irish girls there. It was a Saturday after all, so I assume a lot of Irish girls come on the weekends.
The ladies in the clinic were absolutely wonderful, out of this world, but they almost didn't perform the procedure. I went to have a dating scan, and the lady was asking me questions about my health, and because I'd spent so long in hospital I had to meet two other doctors. My heart was racing the whole time, terrified that I was going to be sent home because I couldn't afford to come again.
They agreed to perform the termination but I couldn't have anaesthetic. They did sedate me though but I kind of started to come to towards the end and I cried out. I remember hearing the doctor asking the nurse to quieten me down in case I scared the other patients. I felt terrible about that.
When I went to the recovery room, I was put with other women and they give you juice and biscuits. There was a young girl there, English, only about 18 and she was crying so I held her hand. There was about six of us and we all shared the same pain, it felt right to help eachother out.
When I left the clinic an hour later my nausea was totally gone, it was like a miracle. I had my first meal (nandos) in almost 2 months! I didn't stop eating for about a week after that!
When I came home I told one person what had happened and they basically gave me dogs abuse for it. I've never seen vitriol and hatred like it. After that I didn't tell another person for a long time. I shut down and kept it to myself. It extended so far that I wouldn't even talk to my doctor about it. Which was bad because I spent the next two years bleeding permanently. I was in a constantly hormonal state. Before the termination, I only ever craved chocolate when I had my period. But I always wanted then. Also my relationship with my ex was falling apart and I was desperately trying to hold onto it because I didn't want us to become one of those couples who gets destroyed by an abortion. I moved across the country to be with him and left my friends behind, started again, which was also really tough going.
So, I finally stopped bleeding a few months ago, I ended my relationship that I was miserable in. And I let the bad stuff go. I forgave myself. I'm about 4 stone heavier than I was when this all happened, but I'm working on that.
I've also met someone else, he's wonderful, he proposed recently and he knows absolutely everything about this situation and loves me anyways. I've happily accepted because I know he's the one.
It was mentally the worst ordeal ever. But I know now that you can never get over it until you let it go. You can either let it take you over, or you can see it as a contrast, an experience. Because without bad experiences you can never truly appreciate the good ones. xxxxx 0 -
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