Always Coming Second.

LegacyUser

Hey guys.

I'm just looking for some advice and opinions.

My fiancee spends all his time at his parents house helping out and I feel like I always come second.

When I met him I knew he had a lot of jobs to do at home as they have a little farm so when we decided to live together I volunteered to move to his county, near to where his parent live as it would be easier for him as he was unemployed and spent his days with his parents helping out.

The thing is, now he has a job, he works all week and then still goes up on a Saturday to help out, leaving me home alone six or seven days a week.

I love that he is a kind person and he does love to help everyone out when he can but and I do know that if he doesn't help no one else will.
He has four brothers, two married and two still living at home but none of them ever help out which really annoys me.
I feel like they choose to spend the weekends with their wife's and kids or friends and its all left to my fiancee.

I know I am being selfish but I'm so lonely since moving here as my friend and family are all back home and I would love to spend the weekends with him. I am just tired of feeling second.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice would be appreciated.

December2012

Do you work? You say you're alone 6 days - do you see each other in the evenings?

LegacyUser

I work from home but haven't been extremely busy the last while but I am kept busy between tippying away with work, house work and going for long walks, and yes I do see him in the evenings. He gets home about 7pm and is usually in bed by 9.30pm as he has very early starts.

Tokyo

I understand firsthand the position your partner finds himself in - feeling obliged to help out on the family farm while the other siblings sit back and watch, and it can be a hard cycle to break. And unfortunately in some ways you set yourself up for a fall in that you volunteered to move there so that he could help out, although you probably didn't realise it at the time.

As cliched as it sounds, the first step in figuring this out is talking to him about it, and seeing what his take on the whole situation is. You have committed to your relationship in moving with him, now he needs to commit to your relationship by spending his time working towards your future together. I don't necessarily think he's doing anything wrong - he loves his family - but you are entitled to your feelings too, and it's obviously affecting you quite a bit. So sit down and discuss it with him and see if you can come to a solution - he genuinely may not realise that you mind him putting in so many hours on his parents farm.

LegacyUser

Mike_ie.
Its nice to hear from someone who can understand how I feel and understand the situation he is in also. I have talked to him many times about this and he just gets really mad at me. I tell him i understand and I would never ask him to stop helping but I just want to know he doesn't take me for granted because, as childish as it sounds I feel second best.

We go out very little as we are saving towards a wedding but the few time we made plans they had to be cancelled last minute because the parents needed his help with something, even thought they know we have made plans.

I know its kinda my fault that I moved here but if i didn't he would only have a long drive to his parents and Id see him less

We did spend a lot of time at my parents over Christmas and we do go there every now and again but he gives out saying when he is there he gets nothing done and I always want to be there etc.
The reason i want to be there is that we get to spend the time together and I am very lonely now I have moved I miss everyone and its great to be around them.

We are planning to have a family when we get married but I am afraid he will still spend a lot of his time helping out and little time with his family when his brothers get to spend all their free time with their families.

Even after all my moaning on here and moaning to my fiancee I do still want him to help because his mother is a lovely woman and she does most of the work and I love that hes so caring but I just want to feel like I matter too.

Merkin

I really think you need to talk to him OP. As Mike says, he could be blissfully unaware that you feel like this and by the sounds of it he is a considerate soul so have that chat with him so you can set aside specific couple time where spending time together is prioritized.

Pinkmoon19

I understand where you are coming from and you have made a big sacrifice and commitment for him.
Would it work at all if you went to visit his family with him on Saturday? I'm sure you wouldn't want to be farming all day but maybe you could all have breakfast/lunch together or something like that? It could be a nice way to get to know his family better as well.
As well as that make sure you have at least 1 "date night" every week. It's a great way to make sure that both people are leaving time for the other and to catch up, sometimes when you live with someone you don't really talk that much during the week and you forget to have fun together. Having fun together is so important!!

LegacyUser

We don't have many date nights at all really. Usually he is very tired which is understandable as he works hard. We don't have much money at the moment so we definitely cant have a night out. So if we plan a night together it consists of getting takeaway and maybe having a beer or two but by 10pm hes tired so I kinda just give up really on "date nights".

I am scared he is kinda not too bothered about me anymore and its confusing as he says he is.

Pinkmoon19

AlwaysComingSecond wrote: »

We don't have many date nights at all really. Usually he is very tired which is understandable as he works hard. We don't have much money at the moment so we definitely cant have a night out. So if we plan a night together it consists of getting takeaway and maybe having a beer or two but by 10pm hes tired so I kinda just give up really on "date nights".

I am scared he is kinda not too bothered about me anymore and its confusing as he says he is.

Sorry but I work full time, leave my house at 7.30 and don't get home until 7 in the evening, but there is nothing I love to do more than go out for a meal or for a movie or anything really. We've come into hard time financially too but we look for early bird offers, or special deals, for example a local pizzeria does half price on Friday. I'm sure if you look around you will find something. Don't let him always come first, there are 2 of you in the relationship and it sounds like you are making too many excuses for him. If you don't stop this now it will set the precinct for your relationship. I'm sure you deserve to be spoiled every now and again, especially after moving to be with him. Do you think he knows how lonely you are? Does he have a nice group of friends or have you been introduced? Also maybe if you are so lonely you should get out more during the week, are there any clubs or groups in your local area? I felt like that before and joined a dance class and met lots of nice people. It's not just up to him to ensure you are not lonely.

Merkin

AlwaysComingSecond wrote: »

I have talked to him many times about this and he just gets really mad a

I'd be very concerned about this. The fact that you wanted to talk to him about this and he was angry and dismissive.

Maybe you need to have a more serious chat about your relationship in general?

December2012

Why does he get mad when you ask him to spend more time with you? That's not very appropriate.

LegacyUser

wolfen wrote: »

Sorry but I work full time, leave my house at 7.30 and don't get home until 7 in the evening, but there is nothing I love to do more than go out for a meal or for a movie or anything really. We've come into hard time financially too but we look for early bird offers, or special deals, for example a local pizzeria does half price on Friday. I'm sure if you look around you will find something. Don't let him always come first, there are 2 of you in the relationship and it sounds like you are making too many excuses for him. If you don't stop this now it will set the precinct for your relationship. I'm sure you deserve to be spoiled every now and again, especially after moving to be with him. Do you think he knows how lonely you are? Does he have a nice group of friends or have you been introduced? Also maybe if you are so lonely you should get out more during the week, are there any clubs or groups in your local area? I felt like that before and joined a dance class and met lots of nice people. It's not just up to him to ensure you are not lonely.

I do agree with making time and about the early birds and special offers around but we have so much on most weeks we actually have no money. Even with our wedding its a small as we can get it and my parents are really helping out.

He knows how lonely I am but he just says its because I am no longer living at home and its the only place I am happy. He says it is my fault I haven't made friends because I dont try. We live in a tiny village now and being honest there isn't much around or many people around. I do think your idea of joining a class or group would be good but I am about a 30 min drive from anywhere and we are sharing a car at the moment.

He is a really good person and deep down i am sure he would rather spend time with me than be busy at his parents all the time but he feels he just needs to help out because no one else will.
I think if we could have a nice long chat about it things would be easier understand but I know tall the nagging from me has tormented him so if we try talk about things it will just get into a fight. We are under a lot of pressure and everything is an argument lately.

Thank you very much for your replies though its great to hear from someone else as I haven't really talked to my friends about all this.

Merkin wrote: »

I'd be very concerned about this. The fact that you wanted to talk to him about this and he was angry and dismissive.

Maybe you need to have a more serious chat about your relationship in general?

I worry you might be right but maybe it is just that he is sick of me nagging about it or sick of us fighting if we have to cancel plans because of it.

December2012 wrote: »

Why does he get mad when you ask him to spend more time with you? That's not very appropriate.

I think he is just sick of me going on about it,

I think maybe I should try be more considerate as I know he is trying his best

Tokyo

OP, I think that a lot depends on what you mean by "he just gets really mad at me" - is he angry at you, or is he upset because he feels pulled in too many directions at once? From the outside it seems like he's caught in a vicious circle - 50% of his family's making and 50% of his own - where he feels that he has to be there for work to get done, and his parents also use that to their advantage, because that's just the way it's always been. And when he's not on the farm, he is taking his frustrations out on you.

You're on the path towards marriage and kids, so you have obviously discussed the long term, so, When you have spoken to him about your future, what has he said? You mention that he works long hours, so is he going to follow his career path, or is he going to take over the family farm? IS this what his parents expect him to do too?

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your partner OP, not just the narrow point of view that "you spent too much time at your parents", but a broader conversation about what the future holds, and is work and farm commitments always going to take first place compared to you, your future marriage and your future kids? You also need to let him know the seriousness of this conversation - that it's not just a case of you feeling lonely because you are in a new place with few friends - but that his actions are having a serious knock on effect towards where you see this relationship going with him. Hopefully he will see that there is something bigger at stake here, but if not, then you may have to think long and hard as to whether this is the right relationship for you.

freshpopcorn

Would you consider helping him out on the farm on a Saturday morning?

LegacyUser

I just bit the bullet and text him to ask "if he had to choose between me or helping at home what would it be"

he said he would choose me. So I got my answer

I do agree with Mike_ie that we do need to discuss our relationship a bit more and try and eliminate all the tension.

Also Freshpopcorn. There isnt really anything I could do its all driving tractors and the likes but I think it might be an idea on a day when he isnt so busy going up and just hanging around with him

Tokyo

AlwaysComingSecond wrote: »

I just bit the bullet and text him to ask "if he had to choose between me or helping at home what would it be"

I suspect that a large part of the problem is that you are being far too passive about issues in your relationship, and the fact that you consider sending him a text message as "biting the bullet" would lend itself to that theory.

You aren't doing to deal with this if you think that you can squeeze it all into a text message and that the response will hold all the answers - you both need a long and honest conversation about your relationship, and you need to show him that the situation that you are in right now is very much affecting your relationship and needs to change.

freshpopcorn

AlwaysComingSecond wrote: »

Also Freshpopcorn. There isnt really anything I could do its all driving tractors and the likes but I think it might be an idea on a day when he isnt so busy going up and just hanging around with him

Does he like farming? Will he inherit the family farm? Will his parents give him a site to build a house on?
I know plenty of women who do as much work as there husbands/partners on the farm. None of it is mens work. Its work that can be done by a man or woman.Farming is a tricky job and its not like a 9 to 5 job. Often very early starts/late finishes and plans can change at the last minute due to it. If you do intend on marrying him you might want to think about being a farmers wife because its part of the package.

thegreatgonzo

Spring time on a farm can be pure torture, one disaster after another. But the fact that there are 2 brothers at home makes me wonder why your guy has to be there so much. Do they work somewhere else full time? Families can often treat an unemployed relative's time as if it were their own and need to be told when they are doing this.
If the brothers aren't working, is there some family tension going on that he doesn't want to involve you in? Would they leave all the work to his mother if he wasn't there to help? I've been on a lot of farms and have seen really old farmers working away while their adult sons are either too stupid or too lazy to be any help. Depressing to see.
Is there an understanding that he will inherit the farm and so the others are not putting themselves out to give him a hand?

Obliq

AlwaysComingSecond wrote: »

Also Freshpopcorn. There isnt really anything I could do its all driving tractors and the likes but I think it might be an idea on a day when he isnt so busy going up and just hanging around with him

OP, you mentioned that his mother is a lovely woman who does everything around the place. Would it be totally out of order to suggest that you go along to the farm with him on the saturday and at least get to know/help his mum out a bit, and at least you'd see him a bit more and be more involved in the farming aspect of his life? It would kill two birds with one stone maybe - your future mother in law would probably love to have your company, and that way you'd also get to know a few more people around the place, as they wander in and out - farming can be very sociable, between the vets/neighbouring farmers/people stopping by looking for somebody....

You've expressed your need to spend some time with him, and this is clearly a part of his life that you may need to throw yourself into as it looks like a responsibility he takes very seriously. It might be nice for both of you if you got behind it and joined in? Good for you both, I'd say.

freshpopcorn wrote: »

I know plenty of women who do as much work as there husbands/partners on the farm. None of it is mens work. Its work that can be done by a man or woman.Farming is a tricky job and its not like a 9 to 5 job. Often very early starts/late finishes and plans can change at the last minute due to it. If you do intend on marrying him you might want to think about being a farmers wife because its part of the package.

Yes to this. It's not rocket science, no matter what anyone makes out! Tractors are great to drive and I've found I'm very good at it - also I build a better stone wall than most men, and electric fencing is p1ss easy. I know plenty of women who do the very same farming jobs as the men, as above, none of it is "men's work", it's for anyone who takes an interest.

LegacyUser

I would have no problem helping out around the place but I always feel I'm in the way and am told there's nothing there for me to help with.

Yes if he doesn't help, the mother does it all. I don't know why any of the brothers don't help. The two at home are just lazy and just say no. They are both younger in their 20s and the two older brothers are married and have their own families to deal with I suppose.
When I give out that no one else helps he just says nothing.


There isn't exactly a "farm" to inherate it's kinda just a few cows and that.

When he is home later we agreed to sit down and have a proper chat and try and sort all this tension out.
I know I'm upset today and probably painting a bad picture of our relationship. In general things are good just this is causing the problems.

I just want to thank you all it feels better being able to chat about it and get other opinions.

Eeden

I would suggest trying to keep calm during your discussions, if you can, and not be too accusatory, or whingey (I'm not saying you are at all - just that it doesn't help in these situations). You could try to really honestly explain to him how lonely you are feeling and that you wish you could spend more time together (rather than saying you wish HE would spend more time with YOU). Let him know you appreciate his helping out his mother, it shows how considerate he is. I would try to steer clear of accusing his brothers of not doing their share, as that's really not up to you to sort out.

Best of luck, I know it's a difficult situation to be in. I hope you can work it out.

thegreatgonzo

AlwaysComingSecond wrote: »

I would have no problem helping out around the place but I always feel I'm in the way and am told there's nothing there for me to help with.

Yes if he doesn't help, the mother does it all. I don't know why any of the brothers don't help. The two at home are just lazy and just say no.
When I give out that no one else helps he just says nothing.


There isn't exactly a "farm" to inherate it's kinda just a few cows and that.

.

Well there is land and a herd number to inherit but that's not the issue.
Are the two boys contributing anything to the household or living rent free with mammy doing all the washing and cooking? If they aren't willing to lend a hand the decent thing would be to pay their mother so a part time farm worker can be taken on to give your fella a hand.

Dixie Chick

Ah OP, you texted him that?? Are ye very young?

Many people work 6 day weeks, maybe make a compromise that he only does and half day or something.

retro:electro

It sounds to me like you don't really want him to stop helping out his family, you just need some reassurance that you matter too and that you're not second best. There is nothing wrong with asking for that OP but you aren't going to get that here, you need to speak to him, not text.