How do other introverts cope with being first time mums?

dori_dormer

Or really any woman deal with the loss of independence/freedom?

Im quite introverted. Most interactions with people leave me exhausted. I enjoy being with my friends and family and going to lunch etc. but always need to unwind alone for an hour or so afterwards. Otherwise Im tired and cranky and not a good friend!

I have a 5 week old son and finding the lack of alone time very hard. theres no time for me to unwind and relax. I have plenty of outside interaction- I go for walks, go down the shops. meet friends etc so socialisation isnt my issue. But these interactions (which do help stop me going insane) leave me wrecked. Like today I went to the bf group. when I got back all i wanted to do was take a nap. But thats not remotely possible.

My son doesnt sleep for more than 30 min at a go. He also feeds for 30 min - an hour every feed. then hes awake for approx 2.5 - 3 hours. trying to get him to sleep sooner than that is impossible and also exhausting. If hes not asleep or in my arms, hes crying. he cries/ doesnt sleep for a multitude of reasons - colic, constipation, reflux, hiccups, exhaustion, simply not being held etc. funnily enough he sleeps well at night -usually 2 3 hour stretches, but im asleep then too so doesnt really help with the need to be alone to recharge.

my husband isnt really any help as hes the same as me. when he gets home from a day of meetings he wants to be alone for a while and relax/ watch the news.

i just dont feel as if im being the best me i can be for my son. im giving him all my energy, yet have very little if no time to recharge, so feel i have even less to give him every day that goes by.
so what have others in my situation done? how have you managed? thanks

p.s. in case anyone might mention, im not depressed - i know myself and what it is im feeling. ive had it before on group holidays etc.

sopretty

I think it has little to do with you being an introvert! Exhaustion in the early days is universal. It is a shock to the system, not comparable to any other change I've ever had to undergo. I found it overwhelming to think that I couldn't just pop to a shop or head off out or go for a walk. I had complete responsibility for another person! AAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhh.
In relation to the reflux etc. issues, I religiously used infacol before every feed with my little one. If that doesn't work for your baby, then maybe bring the baby to the doctor?

clare82

Do u use a sling? It might be helpful to keep him close and allow u to do things even if it's just watch TV for an hour without worrying about him...?
In my exp after week 8 or 9 things got easier in terms of more time between feeds and less need to be held all the time. Sorry I can't give u any help. :-\

dori_dormer

sopretty wrote: »

I think it has little to do with you being an introvert! Exhaustion in the early days is universal. It is a shock to the system, not comparable to any other change I've ever had to undergo. I found it overwhelming to think that I couldn't just pop to a shop or head off out or go for a walk. I had complete responsibility for another person! AAAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhh.
In relation to the reflux etc. issues, I religiously used infacol before every feed with my little one. If that doesn't work for your baby, then maybe bring the baby to the doctor?

Thanks for the reply. It's less a physical exhaustion and more a mental one. I suppose that's why I think it's more about me being introverted. I also feel this need in me to be alone just for a bit. It's the same feelings I always get when I've been interacting with people for long periods.

I'm actually not finding it to hard to get out to the shops, or go for a walk. Like I said in my post, I've been getting out to friends and family and groups since he was 2 weeks old. The problem is these interactions leave me more mentally exhausted than before!

We've had consultations about all his sleeping issues and trying to work through them all!

dori_dormer

clare82 wrote: »

Do u use a sling? It might be helpful to keep him close and allow u to do things even if it's just watch TV for an hour without worrying about him...?
In my exp after week 8 or 9 things got easier in terms of more time between feeds and less need to be held all the time. Sorry I can't give u any help. :-\

Thanks I do use a sling but he resists it half the time. So sometimes it helps and sometimes not!

dockleaf

I could have written your post, OP, when I had my first daughter! Except I lived in a very rural area at the time so there wasn't as much socialising. Was breast feeding as well and the constant physical demand does take so much of a toll on you. I can certainly reassure you that it gets a lot easier as they grow, they start to get interested in the world around, sleep longer, feed less. I left it too late with my first to express milk as by the time I tried it she wouldnt take a bottle, but I did it with my second and I found just having the ability to hand someone else the baby and a bottle ( even if I rarely did it) was very freeing! I rented a good machine from medicare and started to give a bottle every now and then myself to make sure a bottle would be accepted.

By the time my husband would get home in the evening ( and he was always on call, worked late, would have to go in to work at the weekend) I would be desperate for a shower just to have time to myself. But it passes, and it's amazing looking back how quickly that happens ( even if at the time it doesn't feel so quick!).

Is there anyone you could ask to just mind your baby for an hour or two hours spaced out here and there, just to have that time to look forward to- even just to take that shower? And maybe give a bottle?

sopretty

dori_dormer wrote: »

Thanks for the reply. It's less a physical exhaustion and more a mental one. I suppose that's why I think it's more about me being introverted. I also feel this need in me to be alone just for a bit. It's the same feelings I always get when I've been interacting with people for long periods.

I'm actually not finding it to hard to get out to the shops, or go for a walk. Like I said in my post, I've been getting out to friends and family and groups since he was 2 weeks old. The problem is these interactions leave me more mentally exhausted than before!

We've had consultations about all his sleeping issues and trying to work through them all!

To be honest, and I would never have classed myself as an introvert, I used to hand my baby over to anyone who would come to visit. I had a conflicting sort of feeling of responsibility towards her, and love towards her, combined with a feeling of wanting to not be permanently attached to someone (my daughter!). I found it hard to come to terms with. I used to love visiting grandparents or people with no kids etc. who actually wanted to hold her. So that I felt 'whole' again. It's hard to describe. While we had an overwhelming bond, it was just that - overwhelming! Getting a break from her, however briefly, was such a reprieve. Have you anyone who could take your little lad for an hour or so for you to detach?

dori_dormer

Yes I feel the shower is the only alone time I have too! He has no problem taking a bottle, he was on formula for the first week before my milk came in. I never feel I have the time to express though but I'm going to try harder so maybe I can leave him with someone at the weekend for a little while every now and again. Problem is I feel guilty for even wanting that now!

sopretty

Aha - crossed posts with dockleaf. We're both singing from the same hymn sheet though it appears!

dockleaf

Never feel guilty about wanting me-time: remember 'happy mommy, happy baby'.

You are already doing the best of everything for your baby- if you get the hint of a chance of time off, a break away- go for it, I say!;)

bp

Oh everyone goes through that and while I agree with all of the above I want to address the issue of your husband. Just because he likes a break too doesn't mean he cannot help. At work he gets a lunch break/ coffee break etc.

I don't think the partners get how hard it is being home all day. Maybe give your husband the night time bottle (formula maybe) so you get a break

pwurple

+1 don't feel guilty about needing to recharge. Tiny needy babies are exhausting.

Give that husband of yours a firm talking to, and leave the baby with him for at least one evening a week, or an afternoon/morning at the weekend on his own. go for a walk /cinema /something for yourself. Sometimes guys need the baby physically plonked in their lap before they realise their lives need to change and adjust too. And don't take any guff about him not being able to settle the baby when you are out. You learnt, he can learn. He can easily watch the news and mind a baby at the same time. I'm doing that right now!

dublinlady

I really think this passes mostly because over the next few months - could be 5 or six - your baby will fall into a routine where they are napping regularly and for decent stints. for example for the last 3 months my 10 month old naps an hour and a half in the morning and an hour and a half to 2 hours in the afternoon! this time to me is precious as its time out - i think im always mentally exhausted when my two girls are up because its just constant work - even just keeping an eye on clocks etc to make sure u are feeding them or predicting need for a nap etc - i suppose its just u can never turn off! but i find now that they are older - 2 years and one is 10 months - i can manage to incorporate a nap time for them both in the afternoon so i can do my own thing! they become more reliable at doing this and so it takes some of that pressure away!
Im the same - no bother on me really - just do like my - me time... and mostly u just get used to that being gone but otherwise u grab it when u can and try make it happen!!!!

dori_dormer

My husband is a good help mostly. He does need to be reminded / told to help still though. We are still learning how to do this!

I suppose he is used to still doing the same thing every day, whereas my day has completely changed. And I suppose he thinks he deserves his down time too. Which he does. I just don't think he gets how mind numbingly boring most of my day is. Or how exhausting and emotionally draining it is to be either holding a child all day or listening to it scream in pain. He only gets it for a few hours in the evening, and even then we are sharing the burden.
Any time anyone is left alone with our baby (3times now, once my hubby) they have just fed him constantly to stop the crying, resulting in an upset bloated gassy child upon my return. I don't know if its worth the aftermath

I hate having to have a 'chat'

sopretty

dori_dormer wrote: »

My husband is a good help mostly. He does need to be reminded / told to help still though. We are still learning how to do this!

I suppose he is used to still doing the same thing every day, whereas my day has completely changed. And I suppose he thinks he deserves his down time too. Which he does. I just don't think he gets how mind numbingly boring most of my day is. Or how exhausting and emotionally draining it is to be either holding a child all day or listening to it scream in pain. He only gets it for a few hours in the evening, and even then we are sharing the burden.
Any time anyone is left alone with our baby (3times now, once my hubby) they have just fed him constantly to stop the crying, resulting in an upset bloated gassy child upon my return. I don't know if its worth the aftermath

I hate having to have a 'chat'

I'm not going to recommend bottle/breast etc., but, you sound a little bit like myself. I breastfed for 6 weeks and then switched to bottle. I felt such a relief, as it just didn't suit me to be feeding myself. I was completely and utterly delirious with exhaustion. I'm just saying, that if the feeding is an issue for you, maybe consider formula.

sopretty

Also, Infacol was great. Have you tried anything to address the gas/colic symptoms?

dori_dormer

We have a wedge and bumpers so he can sleep on his side. That helps a lot. Nurse suggested some prune juice for his constipation. And we have gripe water that we can use now.

No ones yet suggested he needs anything medicinal. And because he has such a range of issues it's sometimes hard to tell what he needs

Sweet_pea

I know it's really annoying to hear but it does get easier. My boy is only 10 weeks and i felt exactly the same as you a few weeks ago but there has been a marked improvement on him being able to be down by himself and so letting me go and do something else/clear my head.

I'm a single mother so do everything by myself anyway but I did nearly lose it a few weeks ago at the complete lack of space I was getting. I had him sleeping on my chest at night and always in my arms/sling during the day but he's now happy to be beside me in the bed (working our way towards the cot) and happy in the bouncer for 30 mins or so in the morning but he absolutely loves his floor time in the evening and actually has a sh!tfit when being picked for bed. It just takes time but they do get there.

I think I read you had gone to a sling meet, if so do go back and see if maybe you need a different sling. My boy wasn't mad about them at the start but I just kept putting him in them and now he just conks out, I've a wrap and a buckle and find them a lifesaver plus they have helped relieve the wind problems as I put him in upright for a half hour after feeding. I also brought him to an osteopath for tongue tie issues and it's helped improve his pooing...he was going every 6 to 9 days now goes every other day.

You're so close to a big change as most I know saw a huge improvement at about 6/7 weeks.

dori_dormer

thanks everyone for your help.

I suppose like everyone else Ill just have to power through and hope I dont have a nervous breakdown!

Ive given up on my husband for the moment. I tried to talk to him last night and he turned it into a competition on whos job was more important - he decided it was his, and therefore he needed the most sleep. I told him to get back to me when he found a convenient time to be a parent. So I did everything myself yesterday evening and last night so Im running on even less sleep than usual. And Im not speaking to him. Hes squirming I can tell, but hell never apologise. He also hasnt held his son since yesterday evening, cos hes been either in my arms or asleep. Well see what he says (if anything) when he gets home from work.

sopretty

Today is a new day, and hopefully an easier one for you! The other halves can prove to be a little slow sometimes to cop on and step up to the mark. If you could get a clear idea in your head of what sort of help from him would be most beneficial to you in the evenings, it might focus him a little more. If you could even settle on 1 hour after a feed where he is left in total control and you can remove yourself to another room for a rest or a bath or something. Uninterrupted! Other useful things he might do for you in the evenings is to agree to do all winding and nappy changes, with you just being responsible for the actual feeding.

Keep yourself well nourished and hydrated. As the other poster mentioned above, I also found we turned a corner around the 7 or 8 week mark.

Hope you have a good day today.

dockleaf

:DWell done for not killing your husband!

Oh it's all coming back to me now- having a baby can be ( not for everyone obviously) one of the most stressful stages of life. You have such a steep learning curve, no time to think, no time to sleep, it's such a massive responsibility. It's a tough time.

I definitely had the same argument with my husband ( possibly more than once ).

Like every one is saying though, it passes. Just try to reach out and grab some support from mothers or mothers in law or sisters or friends- no harm to just ask them if they can step in for an hour or two or half a day now and then. So that you can go for a walk or get your hair done or climb into bed. This is the time you need help because it seriously gets easier as time goes on.

aniascor

dori-dormer - have you seen a lactation consultant? It's just strange for a breastfed baby to be constipated. What makes you think there's a constipation issue? Is it the straining (which is normal - many babies dislike the sensation), or are the stools actually hard?

The best way to deal with constipation in a breastfed baby is to breastfeed more often, because breastmilk is a laxative. But I think a consultation with a lactation consultant could be really helpful. Many of the issues you describe like excessive gassiness, windiness, and reflux can be eased by improving the latch, and if you have excessive milk supply or overactive letdown, or the opposite and insufficient milk supply, coming up with strategies to address those feeding issues, which in turn helps the symptoms your baby is experiencing.

I know some other posters have recommended formula, but if your baby is already experiencing digestive issues and constipation, formula will only make things worse. Breastmilk is the easiest thing for baby to digest. Formula may help with the problem of giving you some down time, but it might also introduce a new set of problems.

You are really at the hardest part right now. I've got two kids, and both times I found between 4-6 weeks the hardest stage. Baby is at their neediest, and you're still getting very little in return in terms of interaction. By 12 weeks, baby is bigger, things are easier, feeds are faster and less regular.

I think in a lot of ways we get sold a bit of a lie by the media and society in general about baby sleep and how it works. It's true that some babies do sleep for long stretches from early on - but lots don't and that is totally normal too. You mentioned you've had consultations about the sleep issues. What are your expectations for a five week old and sleep?

dockleaf

Actually I didn't recommend formula- I recommended expressing and then being able to have someone else give a bottle. But I don't have any issue with the occasional formula feed either- I exclusively breast fed my two because the advice I got was so militant against formula at the time, but I think, looking back, there is a balance to be struck.

sopretty

It was I who recommended formula - well I didn't specifically recommend it, I just referred to my own experience.

While I was breast-feeding, I had everyone telling me to quit it and just give the baby a bottle. I eventually gave in, and unfortunately, they were right, she slept for longer. I found it horrible though to be constantly badgered about breast-feeding.

It's hard to know whether to direct the OP more towards breast-feeding support groups or more towards bottle-feeding.

Main thing is that Mammy gets over this tough blip!

In any case, I hope the wee lad is giving the OP a bit of peace today!

I agree though, if you're going down the breast-feeding route - get the support - get to those support groups!

aniascor

Sorry I wasn't trying to run down formula. I combination fed and then formula fed my son. I know well that formula can have its place. I was just concerned because the OP specifically referenced digestive issues including constipation so I thought it might be better to look for a breastfeeding solution first in this case.

December2012

I wonder are you feeling "touched out"? It's when you're touching and being around the baby so much that you almost crave being by yourself. It's very common. Here's a link if you haven't heard of it http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/touched-out/.

It's something I experienced in the early months.

sopretty

December2012 wrote: »

I wonder are you feeling "touched out"? It's when you're touching and being around the baby so much that you almost crave being by yourself. It's very common. Here's a link if you haven't heard of it http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/touched-out/.

It's something I experienced in the early months.

Gosh, I wish I knew this when I had my daughter. That's exactly how I felt! Then I had my Public Health Nurse recommending baby massage to increase the bond! I spent 16 hours a day holding the child, I didn't need to massage her to develop a further bond!!!!!
I was harsh with the bedtime limitations however and make no apologies for it.
I used to think I was the worst mother ever, that I didn't enjoy having a permanent attachment to myself lol!
Thanks for posting that link. Hope it helps Dori.

dori_dormer

Thanks for all the replies.

The phn told me he was constipated because he would fart a lot and only poop once every 3-5 days. She did suggest feeding more often (every 2 hours without fail) but with his sleep cycle I'd be constantly waking him up and then spending an hour trying to get him to sleep agin, only to wake him up after 20 min ( if I'm lucky) I am making sure he goes no longer than 3 hours without a feed.

He tends to sleep for 2 hours and then be awake for 3. Nothing makes him go down sooner. Factors, burps, hiccups all wake him up very easily.

I've bought the infacol and trying it for the first time now. The LC in the hospital said his latch was fine and his weight suggests he's getting enough to eat.

The phn nurse also told me to cut out caffeine, chocolate and dairy which I'm doing also. It's very hard!

pwurple

Breastfed babies do poop less though. Constipated babies poops will be hard and pellet like. Kinda dry, and they will cry passing them. If they are not constipated it's more like paste.

I think your husband can hold the baby for an hour or two in the evenings without feeling too put out. He's hardly sleeping from 7pm until 9pm is he?

Also, your phn sounds mean! I put more heed in my gp than the phn to be honest (as I had a godawful muppet of a phn previously). You should have a free 6 week checkup with gp soon. Mention it then.

livinsane

At the very least your husband should take the baby for a walk a few times a week so you can get a break. It's the least effort way to look after the baby as he will probably just go to sleep.

Sligo1

Dori, I really think you need to address issues with your husband first and foremost. Really sorry if I'm out of line here but for him to say "who's job is more important?!"... I mean seriously!!! Maybe I'm biased here but is say you have the more important job... BY FAR!!!

I really think if you can sort things out with your OH you will feel a lot better and your head will be a lot clearer for you to look after baby.

Dori I really feel for you. My husband is so great with our 15 month and has been from very early... However, there have been words had from very very early on. In my experience of being an extremely hard worker for 12 years... Taking care of a baby full time has been the hardest most emotionally and physically drained job I have ever had! Yea the most rewarding.. But your husband needs to understand this. My husband didnt fully understand this until I left him for a weekend when baby was 4 months old. He was wrecked!

Dori your husband needs to listen to you. You need to make him listen to you. I believe once you have his full support you will find things a lot easier. It really doesn't sound like you have his full support at the moment which is going to be paramount to your well being.

I'll finally say that a colleague of mine went back to work part time after her 6 months maternity leave. We work in an extremely mentally, emotionally and physically charged atmosphere. I asked her how she has found going back to work in comparison to being at home with her baby. She replied by telling me the 2-3 days she was back at work felt like a break from the 6 months FULL TIME 24/7 she had been at home looking after her child.

Mind yourself.