How do other introverts cope with being first time mums?

dori_dormer

December2012 wrote: »

I wonder are you feeling "touched out"? It's when you're touching and being around the baby so much that you almost crave being by yourself. It's very common. Here's a link if you haven't heard of it http://naturalparentsnetwork.com/touched-out/.

It's something I experienced in the early months.

Hmm certainly an interesting read. I don't know if I have this , but I can see how how I'm feeling could easily develop into it.

Thanks for the info

fall

My little boy was exactly like yours op. He was constantly straining and his digestive system never seemed to work properly, wind, hiccups and crying from wind pain. He was also badly constipated and he was exclusively breast fed. It is very intense when your new born doesn't sleep for more than two hours. It can be overwhelming and your day can seem endless.
At four months I gave him his first formula bottle and found that he improved but honestly it was only when he went on to solids that there was a real change. He finally started to pass regular stools and it all settled down. I just wanted to share because I remember feeling confused and helpless because breastfed babies weren't supposed to have these issues. It was a tough first year but he slept through from age one and now does twelve hours a night. Mind yourself and take your time out.

How Strange

On the constipation issue; I've always been lead to believe that it's very rare for an exclusively breastfed baby to be constipated and no poo for up to 14 days is still considered normal and ok. Farts and gas are signs of an immature gut and it'll all settle down in the next few weeks.

My son had colic for 7 weeks and it was awful listening to him scream and watch him squirm every night. My daughter didn't have colic but she did the purple crying until about 14 weeks.

I seriously thought I'd lose my sanity on my daughter. In my son I remember feeling so panicky at the start. I thought I'd never be myself again. Everything had changed over night and I wanted to curl up and cry some days. I was so smothered and touched out. However it got better by degrees and by 12 weeks it had calmed down so much.

On my daughter she slept on me for 12 weeks so I had to go to bed around 8pm during all that lovely summer weather last year. I remember telling my husband when she was 5 days old that I felt totally touched out and asked him to take her for a while. I felt like that up to 12 weeks when she started sleeping in her Moses basket.

The sense of losing your own personal time and privacy is so overwhelming in the early weeks. I think the only thing you can do is recognise it and tell yourself it will be over soon. It doesn't last forever or for very long although it seems an eternity when you're in the middle of it.

Zizigirl

Hi Dori
I agree with other posters that you are definitely in the hardest period now and once you hit 6/8 weeks it's all freewheeling, especially with the breast feeding if you decide to stick with it. I'd also agree that if constipation/gut issues are causing issues now they will be a whole lot worse with formula.

My experience was that we introduced a bottle from about 5 weeks, expressed milk and used Dr UDO's infant probiotics in this bottle. We had tried infacol and gripe water but they didn't work. The probiotics took about a week to kick in but we had a changed baby after a week. He was much happier and pooping every day. He didn't sleep huge stretches in the day but slept very well at night and actually started sleeping through from 3 months or so. The probiotics are really good for them. They are pricey but I would have paid 10 times what they cost had I known how they'd help.

cyning

Dori my first little girl was exhausting... Colic, constipation, reflux and like your little boy exclusively breastfed. I went into my bf group when she was 2 weeks old and my phn walked around with her for awhile just to give me a break. I honestly felt like she was glued to me. It does improve... The napping improved after maybe 7/8 weeks and again after 12 weeks when we got to the bottom of the constipation issue. We used sleep in in the mornings, and I napped with her beside me. Breastfed babies can be constipated even with soft poo. They should poo daily for the first six weeks which is why your phn is telling you to feed every two hours: I wouldn't wake to feed at night though. I would definitely have a chat with GP at six week check up to see what they say.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it got easier for me. I'm pretty shy so used find social interactions tiring: I liked my peace after a night out and loved my space. Since having C (well after the first couple of months!), I find that need for space not disappears, but isn't as consuming. It does gets easier...

fall

Delighted to hear about the dr. Udos probiotics for kids. I use the adult version and swear by them. I would definitely try them.

December2012

I also remember having these conversations with my husband too.

I think that having a baby can really emotionally and physically exhaust both parents - the tiredness is just enough to almost push both of you to breaking point.

I've had friends tell me that they never rowed at all with their partners until the baby was born, and then it seemed for the first few months that both of them rowed / were anxious / exhausted. It eventually petered off when the family as a whole adjusted to the new baby.

So the fights are unpleasant but common, and will ease when you each get more rest and get more used to the situation.

There is a feeding / growth spurt at 6 weeks too.

aniascor

The latch can be good and yet still have room for improvement if baby is too windy or gassy. The regime your phn has prescribed for you, waking for feeds, and avoiding dairy, chocolate and caffeine is all very hard on you. Unless there is a history of food allergies, I wouldn't be jumping straight to a restrictive diet without first investigating other more common issues like milk flow, gulping, and maybe even tongue tie. I really think a visit from a qualified lactation consultant could be beneficial. As others have said, infrequent bowel movements are common among breastfed babies. And waking the baby for feeds should only be necessary if baby is losing weight at this stage. I can only imagine how this is contributing to your sense of having no down time or personal time.

dori_dormer

Zizigirl wrote: »

Hi Dori
I agree with other posters that you are definitely in the hardest period now and once you hit 6/8 weeks it's all freewheeling, especially with the breast feeding if you decide to stick with it. I'd also agree that if constipation/gut issues are causing issues now they will be a whole lot worse with formula.

My experience was that we introduced a bottle from about 5 weeks, expressed milk and used Dr UDO's infant probiotics in this bottle. We had tried infacol and gripe water but they didn't work. The probiotics took about a week to kick in but we had a changed baby after a week. He was much happier and pooping every day. He didn't sleep huge stretches in the day but slept very well at night and actually started sleeping through from 3 months or so. The probiotics are really good for them. They are pricey but I would have paid 10 times what they cost had I known how they'd help.

Where did you get the probiotics? Did they have to be prescribed?

From what people have said here, I dont think hes actually constipated. When he poops (day 5 with no poop today) its massive and runny. Not dry pellets. But he does bunch up his legs and goes red in the face for some farts.

I used the infacol before every feed last night. I dont know if its coincidence or not but he has gone down much easier this morning. Also not screaming to be held constantly. Much happier for a few minutes in the buggy if hes awake (unless he loses his soother!) so at least I can go to the bathroom without listening to him cry. well see how the rest of the day progresses anyway!

Hubby and I have earmarked this evening for a proper chat so hopefully it wont descend into another competition. Im thinking of asking him what HE is happy to do regularly, so its not me asking/ telling him to do stuff all the time. then its a decision he is making himself and not me making it for him.

Also going to look up a local LC just to rule anything out there

fall

Great to hear. I get my probiotics in the health food shop, so no prescription needed. It sounds like his crying is purely digestive discomfort so fingers crossed if you get that on track things will really settle down. Keep going with the infacol if it's giving him some relief.
Maybe start your chat with your husband by telling him how you are feeling and that you actually need his help. Sometimes they presume we are super women and we presume that they can identify our needs without us telling them. Hope you have a nice weekend.

Sweet_pea

Dori he sounds just like my boy with the lack of poo. He would go between 6 and nine days, lots of farting and at least one period a day of red faced concentration.

I do think a lot of it had to do with his tongue tie, he was able to latch on fine and get the fore milk but struggled to keep going to get the fatty hind milk. Without using his tongue properly he may not have been producing the digestive juices to help get the gut going, so I don't think he was constipated just had a lazy gut type thing going on. See if you can get checked for the tongue tie (maybe get a 2nd opinion too as one midwife told me he didn't have only to be told weeks later that he did). I also gave him warm baths and massaged the tummy clockwise....also to be honest the best thing seemed to be kinda massaging the anus with coconut oil.

The six week growth spurt nearly broke me but it's been plain sailing (relatively speaking) ever since.

Glinda

Hi Dori,

If your husband works Monday to Friday you might suggest to him that you have one weekend morning each when you're 'off duty'. This is what we did (still do years later). He is off duty on Sunday mornings (spends the whole morning asleep, gets up around 11.30 then has a leisurely hour eating breakfast and watching re-runs of Mythbusters!). I'm 'off' on Saturday mornings but like you I really suffer if I don't have some alone time, so I tended to get up early (ish!) and use the time pottering about, do some personal grooming, go get my hair done, or sometimes just head off for a drive/walk/swim to have some time to think by myself. Otherwise, I think I would have gone mad. Your husband might see that kind of arrangement as having a distinct benefit for him as well as you.

One of the biggest mistakes new parents seem to make is trying to do too much together, rather than realising that they can cope alone for a bit and giving each other a break.

Oh, and there's always the old favourite of despatching him to visit the in-laws for an hour or two with the baby - he needs some alone time with the baby too and this will help his confidence. Meanwhile, you are fresher, more alert, more good-humoured and therefore a better parent.

In short, if you are operating as a two-person unit in all your home-time stop and start being a relay team for part of the time. Everybody needs time to recharge or they end up burnt out, cranky, weepy and demented.

Hope this helps - good luck!

sopretty

Dori I used to wonder whether I was imagining things with the Infacol too, until maybe someone else was minding her and forgot to give her the Infacol and by golly would I suffer afterwards! Don't know what's in it, but I remain forever grateful to it.

aniascor

How are things now? Any improvement? Hope things are going better.

dori_dormer

Going much better thanks! Infacol has changed my life I don't feel like I'm going stir crazy anymore.

Had a good chat with hubby to and hopefully we are back on the same page.

Thanks everyone for your help and advice!

aniascor

Glad to hear it. The first few weeks are a huge adjustment for everyone. In fact the whole first year is!!

If the digestive issues continue feel free to PM me and I'll send you on some details for lactation consultants. The one I used was only €100 and I could claim €50 back on my health insurance.

Chattastrophe!

My baby is just over ten weeks now, and I must admit I'm identifying with a lot of posts in this thread!

sopretty wrote: »

To be honest, and I would never have classed myself as an introvert, I used to hand my baby over to anyone who would come to visit. I had a conflicting sort of feeling of responsibility towards her, and love towards her, combined with a feeling of wanting to not be permanently attached to someone (my daughter!). I found it hard to come to terms with. I used to love visiting grandparents or people with no kids etc. who actually wanted to hold her. So that I felt 'whole' again. It's hard to describe. While we had an overwhelming bond, it was just that - overwhelming! Getting a break from her, however briefly, was such a reprieve.

OK it's great to know someone else feels this way! I always feel a little bit guilty at the fact that I can quite easily hand him over, I feel like I should be fighting to keep holding him each time ... whereas in fact it's such a relief to get that little bit of a break.

dori_dormer wrote: »

My husband is a good help mostly. He does need to be reminded / told to help still though. We are still learning how to do this!

I suppose he is used to still doing the same thing every day, whereas my day has completely changed. And I suppose he thinks he deserves his down time too. Which he does. I just don't think he gets how mind numbingly boring most of my day is. Or how exhausting and emotionally draining it is to be either holding a child all day or listening to it scream in pain. He only gets it for a few hours in the evening, and even then we are sharing the burden.

I'm lucky that my boyfriend has been amazing - I honestly don't know how single mothers cope. It helps a lot that we're formula feeding, so I can fully hand him over.

But the thing is, he can switch off for those few hours in work. He says that coming home in the evening is like coming in to a second job - but the thing is, he might be exhausted, but at least he gets the luxury of going several hours each day without knowing or caring when the next feed is due (not that he doesn't care, but you know what I mean!) He doesn't have to worry about it all for most of the day, he can switch off fully ... whereas for me, it's 24/7, planning everything we do and everywhere we go around the baby's routine and the baby's moods. Even for those few hours in the evening, when he'll usually do a feed or two, and even if I go off to another room for a bit of "me" time, I'm still constantly "aware" of the baby's needs.

dori_dormer wrote: »

Any time anyone is left alone with our baby (3times now, once my hubby) they have just fed him constantly to stop the crying, resulting in an upset bloated gassy child upon my return. I don't know if its worth the aftermath

I know that feeling too. As my baby has reflux, he was puking after every bottle ... but especially if anyone apart from myself or my boyfriend ever fed him, he would vomit so much more. I suppose we had developed a certain "knack" of doing it.

I remember visiting my parents recently, and my mother heard him waking for a feed during the night and she insisted on taking him to do it, so I could get some sleep. Which was of course very good of her, but, I couldn't get back to sleep while she had him in her room feeding him, then she left him back and went back to bed for the night, whereas I spent the rest of the night awake trying to settle him while he puked several times, up and down constantly changing him and his sheets ... whereas if I'd just fed him myself, I'd probably have gotten more sleep! :rolleyes:

December2012 wrote: »

I think that having a baby can really emotionally and physically exhaust both parents - the tiredness is just enough to almost push both of you to breaking point.

I've had friends tell me that they never rowed at all with their partners until the baby was born, and then it seemed for the first few months that both of them rowed / were anxious / exhausted. It eventually petered off when the family as a whole adjusted to the new baby.

So the fights are unpleasant but common, and will ease when you each get more rest and get more used to the situation.

Wow, this is us basically! We never seemed to fight before (but then sometimes I wonder if I'm looking back with rose-tinted glasses? ) I suppose we're both people who really, really need our sleep and are used to getting plenty of it. Even when I was pregnant I never had any trouble sleeping. It's really reassuring that it's somewhat "normal", and that it gets better.

One thing I find weird is how my entire concept of time has changed. I was just saying earlier, it feels like the weeks fly by, but the days go on forever. Today for example I gave him a bath first thing this morning, it feels like a lifetime ago, I actually really struggled to remember was it just today or earlier on this week? He's asleep now, I'm getting antsy because I really want to get out for a walk but we'll have to wait til after his next feed in an hour, in case he gets hungry earlier than expected. Sometimes the time between feeds goes on forever, other times it feels like I've only fed him five minutes ago and he needs another one. I really think that it'll be a lot easier when he's sleeping through the night, and I can go back to separating night and day again!

By the way, I guess it goes without saying, but I absolutely love him to bits and he is worth everything! It's just a huge adjustment ...

lazygal

The saying "The days are long but the years are short" is very true when it comes to your children.

xzanti

I am an introvert and I have to say that I did struggle a bit with becoming a first time Mother.

I think about halfway through the pregnancy it dawned on me that I was no longer my own person.. if that makes any sense.. and that everything I did was now everyone elses business.

I've always been a very private person and I valued my alone time.. and all of a sudden my life is an open book.

My Son was planned and I was very excited, especially since I had 2 miscarriages before he joined us. But I wasn't really prepared for the reality of it.. and I don't think any of us ever really are. imho.

The weeks leading up to the birth my In Laws, who lived quite close by at the time would often come up unannounced to keep me company or 'give me a hand'.. which was lovely of them.. but all I wanted to do was be alone with myself and rest up.. which, for an introvert like me can be a little stressful

Also the birth was very complicated resulting in an emergency C section and I had an awful bout of the baby blues.. combined with having to spend a week in the hospital, in the midst of the worst snow in years (Xmas 2010) and the swine flu epidemic.. so I wasn't allowed visitors..

So it was all pretty tough tbh.. oh and throw in complications with the epidural leaving an air bubble in my spine requiring me to have surgery on Xmas morning and was crippled with headaches for weeks afterwards.

And then of course when you do get home you have the river of visitors coming and going and bringing lots of lovely gifts.. which is fabulous.. and I was very grateful.. but again, a little tiring and distressing when you're in pain and looking like absolute shíte.. you start to hate the sight of that goddamn kettle!!!

Anyway.. it definitely wasn't what I had visualised when I thought of my baby's birth.. I think I had a cookiecutter, stepford wives-esque image in my head of nothing but teddies and ribbons and balloons!! The reality is pain, a disfigured body, no privacy, stress and strain on your relationship!

That's my experience of it anyway!

But they're SO worth it in the end