Paying to attend a wedding?

Gokei

False Prophet wrote: »

Dont people bring something to house parties eg a bottle of wine etc

House party, I'd normally bring a couple bottles of wine and pringles
Housewarming, i'd normally bring a card with voucher for Currys or similar inside..

amdublin

False Prophet wrote: »

Im sure there is some reason the tradition started and i wish it wasn't "normal" but it is.
Why is there rounds in pubs etc etc




Dont people bring something to house parties eg a bottle of wine etc

True. But you don't bring your dinner/the food.

I just think we should challenge the norm. For me, the norm started when people didn't live together before marriage, didn't have a toaster etc. But for me now, people have everything, they don't need anything but they still expect/want money.

eviltwin

This is a real bugbear of mine, people should give what they can afford, it's the thought that counts. Most of our guests came from overseas so no way were we going to accept gifts after they went to the expense of coming over. The one guest resident here wasn't working at the time so she made a scrapbook of my relationship with DH using photos from down the years and letters from people with reflections on our relationship and advice for married life....it was the most amazing gift I ever got. There are some things money can't buy.

Ann Landers

Let's be honest - this is their way of demanding a minimum gift amount. It's horrendously cheeky, especially as if people complied, they bleed 200 out of a couple!

Decline, decline, decline!

MagicMarker

William F wrote: »

You pay to go to a nightclub....

I don't.

Ann Landers

January wrote: »

Ok, the way I see it the maid of honour was telling you that they wanted cash instead of gifts and not that they were expecting you to pay into their wedding... well I hope it's that way anyway.

Still quite rude, unless you asked what to get them as a gift... but not as rude.

Hmmm, mentioning a specific amount is pretty darn rude.

Maryfrancis

Got invite to wedding in Venice for the family.
Next day invite to meal and night club,€70 per person for meal, free entry to the club, following day boat trip €50 per person
What happened to a one day wedding ?

pablo128

William F wrote: »

I don't see what the problem is. You pay to go to a nightclub, why not do the same for a wedding?

Well you would pay a tenner into a nightclub, so are you suggesting a tenner for the wedding too?

Toots

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

Thanks for the reply all.

The maid of honour (A relative of mine) informed me of this - wedding invites are not officially out yet, so I'm unsure how it'll be requested, so I was just wondering if this was the done thing.

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

I'm not 100% sure, this revelation only came out yesterday that it's expected of us to pay 100 quid to cover costs.
I just thought I would get a general idea anyways, will know more once invites are received.

Maybe I'm just overly cynical, but I'd be very surprised if this 'edict' didn't come from the bride and groom themselves. They probably don't want to actually directly ask the guests for money, so have asked the maid of honour to 'put the word around' to the guests. My guess is that the best man has also been charged with this task. The €100 figure may be one that the maid of honour just picked out of the sky, or it could be something that the couple decided on. One way or another, I can't see a member of the wedding party just deciding to take it upon themselves to tell guests that it was expected of them to give a €100 gift.

Ann Landers

Toots* wrote: »

Maybe I'm just overly cynical, but I'd be very surprised if this 'edict' didn't come from the bride and groom themselves.

The fact that an exact amount was mentioned makes me thing it came from the couple too.

JimiTime

amdublin wrote: »

It's never "said" but most b&g's are counting on/hoping for money per couple.

So in reality it's actually really common.

I hate that. Why can't b&g's just save up and throw a party without expecting their guests to pay for it????

A lot of the time these days, couples are already living together, in many cases already have kids etc. So all appliances, towels, cutlery, bedding and every other household good that are usually common wedding gifts are not needed by the couple. A lot of couples request a honeymoon contribution or the like. Don't see anything rude or wrong with it myself. In fact, I love when the couple tell you what they need/want as I'm useless at picking out gifts. Don't get me wrong, having a wedding list in Brown Thomas or as indicated by the OP requesting a specific amount is rather cheeky, but simply requesting a contribution is fine in my book.

h2005

Sounds to me like she was just explaining what the norm is for the wedding gift.

lazygal

JimiTime wrote: »

A lot of the time these days, couples are already living together, in many cases already have kids etc. So all appliances, towels, cutlery, bedding and every other household good that are usually common wedding gifts are not needed by the couple. A lot of couples request a honeymoon contribution or the like. Don't see anything rude or wrong with it myself. In fact, I love when the couple tell you what they need/want as I'm useless at picking out gifts. Don't get me wrong, having a wedding list in Brown Thomas or as indicated by the OP requesting a specific amount is rather cheeky, but simply requesting a contribution is fine in my book.

Whatever happened to paying for your own holidays? Putting the word out is just as rude as asking directly or putting a poem on an invitation. If you can't afford something you don't have it and you don't shake your family and friends down for money. It's incredibly rude to ask for gifts in any way.

amdublin

JimiTime wrote: »

A lot of the time these days, couples are already living together, in many cases already have kids etc. So all appliances, towels, cutlery, bedding and every other household good that are usually common wedding gifts are not needed by the couple. A lot of couples request a honeymoon contribution or the like. Don't see anything rude or wrong with it myself. In fact, I love when the couple tell you what they need/want as I'm useless at picking out gifts. Don't get me wrong, having a wedding list in Brown Thomas or as indicated by the OP requesting a specific amount is rather cheeky, but simply requesting a contribution is fine in my book.

A contribution for what though? They have everything they need.

Why would a b&g not pay for their own wedding? Pay for their own honeymoon?

Does it not seem greedy to have everything you need....yet asking for stuff (money)?

kkcatlou

bee06 wrote: »

We don't need anything but as the social convention is to give gifts at weddings then my hope is I get gifts I like and considering I'm quite particular then being realistic money would be the best choice. Of course none of my guests will know this but I might as well be honest if I'm going to contribute to this thread.

Totally agree.

It's part of Irish culture to give presents, and to be generous at that. Stating you don't want presents sounds smug if you ask me. "I've so much money I don't need your presents thanks very much!" (Most) people like to give, to express their good luck to the newlyweds and appreciation for being invited to a great day out. I'd feel very strange going to a wedding and not giving anything, even if the couple said that's what they wanted.

I doubt there are many couples who expect €100 per person at a wedding, but there are many couples (like ourselves), who would prefer that if people feel they would like to give a gift, that they either give a small amount of cash or know us well enough to give us something personal. We have our own house, decorated as we want. We will have saved enough to pay for our wedding outright, but starting out married life with a small new pot of money would be a lovely start after months of living like monks! We won't be spreading this word about though. I do know though if someone asks my Mam or sisters what they think we'd like, they'll say "oh they're grand, la la la, but if you must, I think they'd prefer cash....".

Personally I think gift lists from shops are tasteless and a bit tacky. People who get these don't actually get the present you choose, they just pool all the money together and buy something else from the store. Not very personal at all and a bit crass to be asking!

As for the OP's statement saying they were requested to "pay" €100 - it looks to me like a misinterpretation of the Chief Bridesmaid saying the couple would prefer cash to presents and the norm is around €100 per person....???!!

truedoom

ridiculous. never heard of any such thing.

poor form on bride and groom.

i wouldn't bother going.

Berty

What I'm reading from this is:

The Bride and Groom have not stated this yet.
The Maid of Honour has passed this info out there.

It may be that the B&G are using this ploy to soften the blow or to put hints out there that cash would be better.

As a Groom myself I would never tell people to give me anything. I would be thrilled if somebody was able to dig deep into their own pockets and give a gift, be it monetary value or not. Even if they bought me a toaster then they'd have to actually spend money on it so I would be thankful to them.

Our Wedding Invites are done and all it says is where to be and when. We will not have birdcages/postboxes in the venue either because that also implies "leave you money envelopes here please".

Some couples even have a Honeymoon Package they want people to pay for and tell people to send their money that way.

We've been informed by recent couples to be prepared for two things (1) People who give nothing that have a lot and (2) People who give a lot who have very little.

If you need people to pay for your wedding then frankly you're not prepared for a wedding. :rolleyes:

SterlingArcher

Are you invited to the Synagogue?, or just the afters?

wanderer 22

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Are you invited to the Synagogue?, or just the afters?

Are you going to make some jokes about 'darkies' next? Grow up.

xalot

It sounds to me like the bride/groom said to the maid of honour that they were hoping that everyone would give a cash present of €100 in order for them to cover costs. It might not have been a request 'as such'. If so the Maid of Honour would want to be careful what information she passes on to guests as something said in conversation could get massively blown out of proportion and reflect very badly on the couple.

you could argue though that weddings in Ireland are changing,I heard on the radio last week that most weddings are now paid for by the couple themselves and that 20% are civil ceremonies. Couples are opting for low key celebrations now so as not to start their married lives in debt. If you were invited to a 21st or 30th meal with friends that was, say €30 or €40 euro a head you would think nothing of it, you would never expect the birthday girl/boy to foot the bill for the entire party so maybe we shouldn't judge people who take the same approach with their marriage.

That said, personally I would never dream of requesting money from guests at my wedding, I wouldn't want anyone to feel under any kind of financial pressure but each to their own.

LynnGrace

kkcatlou wrote: »

As for the OP's statement saying they were requested to "pay" €100 - it looks to me like a misinterpretation of the Chief Bridesmaid saying the couple would prefer cash to presents and the norm is around €100 per person....???!!

This would be my reading of it also. I cannot imagine anyone saying come to my wedding, it costs €100.

(Unless the wedding invitation comes complete with an invoice ... )

SterlingArcher

colm18 wrote: »

Are you going to make some jokes about 'darkies' next? Grow up.

I suppose saying paddies day gets your back up too? Or is that acceptable pc racism.....

It's a joke clearly... grow up "in the real world"...

kiffer

Expect is a loaded word here...
They're doing the maths on how much money they can afford to spend.

Expect is not demand.
I expect the traffic lights will change soon.
We are expecting 150 guests to come to the wedding.
People are generally going to bring gifts.
These days the norm is money, it's much easier for everyone.
How much are we likely to get then?
Well... I'm told the average gift is 200 per couple!
Ahhh so we can expect about 100 per person.

Bridesmaid overhears this and goes off telling people they are required to bring 100 each.

Expect: To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of...

kiffer

SterlingArcher wrote: »

I suppose saying paddies day gets your back up too? Or is that acceptable pc racism.....

It's a joke clearly... grow up "in the real world"...

Um... shouldn't feed the trolls but this one is ticking a few boxes...
1. It's Paddy's day not paddies day.
2. Paddy is short for Partick, Patrick being St. Patrick.
3. How could calling St. Patrick's day Paddy's day be racism?

Well... off you go to the dangerzone.

CramCycle

A co worker from Spain (Salamanca) has told me that this is very common over there, you write down on the invite how much the day costs per person, and they usually give you that amount as a present, some give slightly more, others give none at all.

I do think its rude the way it was phrased but I think the
model is nice, no one is looking to make money, just not end up broke.

Sam Kade

kiffer wrote: »

Expect is a loaded word here...
They're doing the maths on how much money they can afford to spend.

Expect is not demand.
I expect the traffic lights will change soon.
We are expecting 150 guests to come to the wedding.
People are generally going to bring gifts.
These days the norm is money, it's much easier for everyone.
How much are we likely to get then?
Well... I'm told the average gift is 200 per couple!
Ahhh so we can expect about 100 per person.

Bridesmaid overhears this and goes off telling people they are required to bring 100 each.

Expect: To look forward to the probable occurrence or appearance of...

Expect is a bit like want
Want with one hand sh1t in the other see which one gets full first

Sam Kade

CramCycle wrote: »

A co worker from Spain (Salamanca) has told me that this is very common over there, you write down on the invite how much the day costs per person, and they usually give you that amount as a present, some give slightly more, others give none at all.

I do think its rude the way it was phrased but I think the
model is nice, no one is looking to make money, just not end up broke.

Same as saying you're getting married but you want your guests to pay.

Berty

Well by using the logic of the guests having to pay for the wedding my guests would have to pay me €142 per person to attend my wedding. I'll call it a "Cover Fee"

lazygal

CramCycle wrote: »

A co worker from Spain (Salamanca) has told me that this is very common over there, you write down on the invite how much the day costs per person, and they usually give you that amount as a present, some give slightly more, others give none at all.

I do think its rude the way it was phrased but I think the
model is nice, no one is looking to make money, just not end up broke.

Why on earth should others cover the decision of the couple to have a wedding they can't afford? It doesn't matter that the practice is the norm, it's still rude. We didn't ask people to our wedding to cover the costs of asking them to our wedding. If you need to 'put the word out' in any way that you want cash, a lot of people are going to think you're rude, no matter how you dress it up with "we don't need anything for the house" or "the wedding is costing a lot".

Pawwed Rig

It has come up a few times on this thread that the 'norm' cash gift is €100 per person. I got married a couple of years ago and this is not the norm. A few of our closer relatives gave is this amount but most gave us less. I would say to put an average on it would be €75 per person. It depends on who they are and where they're from (in England for example the 'norm' would be less than here). We had guests who travelled trans Atlantic to our wedding and to be honest I would have been horrified if they had given us cash aswell so we were relieved when they gave us a nice card with their best wishes inside.

I think the wedding list thing is tacky, as is any request for gifts. A request for gifts is the same as an entrance fee imho

CramCycle

Sam Kade wrote: »

Same as saying you're getting married but you want your guests to pay.

They phrase it differently, its if you want to attend the sit down meal and even then, its only letting you know, my understanding is they don't hold it over anyone who doesn't pay. Everyone goes to the afters regardless and none of them give a present at all.

Sort of like going to a friends birthday party in a restaurant, if you go to the dinner, you'll pay for the dinner, if you can't or just don't want to, meet up with them when they head to a pub afterwards.

Personally, in Ireland if someone gave me a price for attending, I wouldn't go, if they told me in passing how much it is in person though, I would ensure that my gift covered at least that amount or I just wouldn't go/attend the afters.

CramCycle

lazygal wrote: »

Why on earth should others cover the decision of the couple to have a wedding they can't afford? It doesn't matter that the practice is the norm, it's still rude. We didn't ask people to our wedding to cover the costs of asking them to our wedding. If you need to 'put the word out' in any way that you want cash, a lot of people are going to think you're rude, no matter how you dress it up with "we don't need anything for the house" or "the wedding is costing a lot".

It doesn't cover it, it pays for that persons meal if they want it, I am not saying I agree with it, I was just giving an example of something similar that was acceptable elsewhere. Still can turn up at the dinner and not contribute, or you can just go to the afters.

Most people at my wedding gave presents, a few people gave cash, I think 50 for a single and 100 for a couple was the average, 2 friends who had travelled from abroad gave me a 2nd hand collection of books that I always use to flick through when I visited them, to this day, still my favourite present.

I had a few people ring me to ask what I wanted, which felt weird, I just said we wanted nothing, just for them to make it if they could, most of them gave cash, alot of them gave wine glasses, a few gave nothing at all. I honestly cannot remember which ones are which, nor do I care, it was a great day.

Toots

SterlingArcher wrote: »

Are you invited to the Synagogue?, or just the afters?

Not cool. That sort of 'humour' is not acceptable on this forum.

Greenmachine

Very bad form to outright ask for money like that.

Synyster Shadow

When I got married we did it small and away from where we live. We came home and had a meal with all that were present. Then the Friday night had a party in our local and sent out invites for that. Been a pub party its not expected to give money or lavish gifts it was mainly to involve family in our celebration.

My friend gets married 2 years later it's the big white wedding with all the trimmings. She actually asked for money in advance and minimum was 200 a person some actually gave 500. I seen a text she sent one person asking for the band to be paid off in full at 900 as a certain other person had paid for the cars. IMHO its up to the B&G to keep to within what they can afford.

desbrook

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

I'm not 100% sure, this revelation only came out yesterday that it's expected of us to pay 100 quid to cover costs.
I just thought I would get a general idea anyways, will know more once invites are received.

OP - you've started a thread based on second hand information . There's nothing directly from the bride/groom verbally or in in writing that they are looking for an "entrance fee " or "charging" to come to the wedding .

I can see however how this misunderstanding has come about . When a couple plan a wedding even before the invitations go out relatives often ask if there's anything in particular the couple would like as a present . Often it's the brides/grooms parents that get badgered . It HAS become the norm to mention that a cash gift would be the most welcome present as most couples now have lived together for years before the wedding and are on their third toaster ! Personally I'd rather give a cash gift / voucher that I know the couple will spend on something they want rather than trying to make time and effort picking an object they'd hate .

During the boom especially though this cash gift thing was abused . I'm not denying that - I know of couples who maximised profits by inviting all and sundry . I know for a fact one couple spent 11k but managed to take in 15k . I say this because what was probably emphasised was that your friends were not looking to make money but just to cover basic costs . Theres a huge difference between saying this one to one informally when someone asks and printing it in black and white on an invitation !!

Curlysue76

Beer Baron wrote: »

Well by using the logic of the guests having to pay for the wedding my guests would have to pay me €142 per person to attend my wedding. I'll call it a "Cover Fee"

Is that to cover their meal and drinks? Or is it their share of your outfits, flowers, photographer, car hire etc etc etc.

chopperp

cash is king , chi ching

Toots

Synyster Shadow wrote: »

My friend gets married 2 years later it's the big white wedding with all the trimmings. She actually asked for money in advance and minimum was 200 a person some actually gave 500. I seen a text she sent one person asking for the band to be paid off in full at 900 as a certain other person had paid for the cars. IMHO its up to the B&G to keep to within what they can afford.

Some people seriously have brass necks. I remember a couple of years ago there was a thread on here by a bride who was giving out that one of her bridesmaids "only" gave €500. Apparently the other two paid for the cars and the photographer, respectively. Apparently she said this to the bridesmaid, who was upset and said it was all she could afford!!! Everyone replying to the thread was outraged at her attitude, and how ungrateful she was, and how poorly she treated someone who was supposed to be her friend. This bride genuinely couldn't see anything wrong with how she was acting, despite a slew of people telling her how rude and unreasonable she was being.

Faith

I know of a couple who asked all of there guests to bring a specific item to the wedding, that you'd either have to make yourself (expensive and time consuming) or buy (expensive). They specifically said on the invite 'This is not instead of a present!' :eek: I still can't get over that.

Gatica

StripedBoxers wrote: »

So........have the bride and groom asked, or are they definitely going to ask for money?

Or is it a case of the bridal party, family etc just putting the word out that money is preferable instead of material gifts such as toasters, crystal, things for the home etc?

xalot wrote: »

It sounds to me like the bride/groom said to the maid of honour that they were hoping that everyone would give a cash present of €100 in order for them to cover costs. It might not have been a request 'as such'. If so the Maid of Honour would want to be careful what information she passes on to guests as something said in conversation could get massively blown out of proportion and reflect very badly on the couple.

This seems like a very possible issue in this situation... If I were the OP I'd keep it to myself til get the actual invite. It would be a shame to ruin a couple's reputation if it was their family's/friends' fault for spreading such rumours.

Dan_Solo wrote: »

Well I'd have a flimsy and transparent excuse not to go ready... Game of Thrones is on that night or something.

If the request came 100% from the couple, I wouldn't even bother with "excuse" for not attending, I would just RSVP a no and that's that. Unless they're completely ignorant, they'll get a clue why their guests are declining.

Maryfrancis wrote: »

Got invite to wedding in Venice for the family.
Next day invite to meal and night club,€70 per person for meal, free entry to the club, following day boat trip €50 per person
What happened to a one day wedding ?

That's just as bad. If I got such an invite, I would decline and definitely not bother with gift and I can't imagine wanting to keep such company in future either.

CramCycle wrote: »

A co worker from Spain (Salamanca) has told me that this is very common over there, you write down on the invite how much the day costs per person, and they usually give you that amount as a present, some give slightly more, others give none at all.

Look it, I get it if it's traditional or the norm in a country, but unless the B&G are from such a culture, it's definitely not ok to tell your guests what your wedding is costing you so they foot the bill.

CramCycle wrote: »

I do think its rude the way it was phrased but I think the model is nice, no one is looking to make money, just not end up broke.

Not being that familiar with that culture, I don't think the model is nice at all. Best way to not end up broke is to plan a party in proportion to your budget.
If such couples plan for guests to pay for their wedding, sure wouldn't everyone just book the most expensive hotel with luxury honeymoon and then tell the guests that'll be >500 pp please?!

Synyster Shadow

I don't take kindly to people expecting money as a gift especially with the way things are with work and cost of living. Me and this friend of mine had a baby within weeks of each other in April last year and she got married in December been it was so close to Christmas and it was babies first Christmas I put my money elsewhere

robindch

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

Is it common to be asked to pay (100 euro in this case) to attend a wedding?

I'd send a polite refusal to them by post, together with an invoice for the letter, envelope, stamp and time taken to write it and bring it to the postbox.

DublinWriter

AlabamaWorley wrote: »

Any insights appreciated

Yeah, shop around.

Raven Runner

I do think weddings are far too expensive the amount of money people put in to them is ridiculous and giving free dinners to people that you barely know is equally so but ya being asked for €100 is a new low

amdublin

I just don't like the idea of asking for money or "getting the idea out" that I want money.

When I throw a party I plan it according to my budget and I don't expect anyone to pay for it or to pay for my holiday afterwards.

Frankly if you can't afford your wedding, Or if you can't afford "life" that you're looking forward to a little pot when you get married I think you should change your wedding plans.
You might as well take up professional begging! Is it not a bit embarrassing to want money gifts? (for your honeymoon, to pay for the wedding, just for life in general).

Like just cut your cloth to match your budget.

And if you have anything you don't need anything else so to me it seems greedy to be expecting or hoping for anything/money.

Merkin

I think asking for it outright is no less vile than hinting at it! People these days seem to view weddings as some kind of benefit gig with the party being a fundraiser and the "guests" paying for the privilege of attending. God give me strength. :rolleyes:

I started a thread on this ages ago in the wedding forum because I got an invite last summer ASKING for money in the invite and the couple in question are still waiting. I'll be getting them a personalized gift at a time of my choosing....

Berty

Curlysue76 wrote: »

Is that to cover their meal and drinks? Or is it their share of your outfits, flowers, photographer, car hire etc etc etc.

Everything. Just took my final figure and divided it by guest numbers. It would want to be some meal for that price. Lol

kiffer

amdublin wrote: »

...
When I throw a party I plan it according to my budget and I don't expect anyone to pay for it ...

But of course if they bring a bottle of wine or desert you would hardly turn them away...
and if it was a BBQ and they brought some beef then you wouldn't object...

kkcatlou

I definitely don't agree with people asking for or hinting at money, but at the end of the day, who, with any self respect would go to a wedding and not give any present? People are getting up on awfully high horses over things that are usually unspoken being spoken.

Of course 99% of people going to a wedding are going to give a present (in Ireland anyway), so of course wedding guests are going to "expect" some presents, so is it not better that these presents are things they want, than time and money being spent on things they don't? In this day and age, that usually means cash, unless it's a couple you know very well.

But, in order to keep things nice and polite in society, it's best we don't speak about this out loud! I'm not being sarcastic here, I do agree that it's rude to discuss these things and ask for money, but it's human nature/ tradition/ polite/ customary (take your pick) that guests are going to want to give gifts, and couples are going to receive them!