What's the stupidest thing you've ever done to yourself?

Boskowski

I was twisting and thumbing a dried up tube of superglue cos it was all of that stuff I had left in the house. Cant remember what I tried to repair but must have been important at the time.
Anyway eventually the tube broke and I got a right splash of it full into my right eye. Now reflex allowed me to close the eye so nothing really terrible happened but of course the eye was superglued shut in an instant, eyelid, lashes the works. I was like Quasimodo for the rest of the day and of course it could have been right nasty.

Toots

Actually just thought of another one. I was rushing out to work one morning and accidentally spilled tea all down the front of my shirt. Had to change into another one, but I hadn't got any other ones ironed. I got the ironing board out and did the quickest ironing of a shirt ever, then pulled it on. I noticed there was a little bit I missed just on the front near the waistline. Being slightly addled at that stage, instead of taking it back off and running the iron over it again, I grabbed the iron and stuck it against the shirt while I was wearing it. Gave myself a lovely burn that morning. My stomach looked like the burglar in Home Alone after Macauly Culkin smacks him in the face with the iron.

Silverbling

that reminds me of my most embarrassing one, I had a mouse hole in the wall outside the house that was letting rain in on the floor, got a stupid quote off a builder and decided to fix it myself with expanding foam.

The top would not come off so i cut it off and used my hands to pat it into place.

The staff in a&e laughed, a lot at both my hands in rock solid expanding foam gloves, they kept on laughing while we tried to get it off and laughed even more when I spent 4 hours at a sink with a bottle of wash up trying to get it off, literally every time they passed they would crumple laughing, at least I only needed a sink not a bed

sully2010

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Ihatecuddles

I have awful luck with hoovers and stairs. Every time I carry one down the stairs I manage to trip and tumble down.

The last time I did it, I actually said to myself, jesus this is easy, how did I manage to f*ck it up so many times?

Next thing I know, I'm in pain and my mam is standing over me going 'I told you to ask one of us to help you with it after the last time this happened!'

Another time when I was about 15, my mam used to wake me up for school. I'd open my curtains to make her think I was up, but my bed was underneath them and I was just stretching my arm up while still lying down.

I had a really heavy paperweight on the ledge, a big ball nearly the side of my head. Came down on my head when I pulled the curtain back and I was out for the count. She didn't believe that I knocked myself out until she saw the lump on my forehead. It was almost as big as the weight itself. Still have it, still directly above my head.

DesperateDan

Terrible travel sickness as a child. One day when I was 9 I'm in a friend's car and his mum is driving us home and I need to be sick. Usually I gave the parents plenty of warning, but because I was in someone else's car this time I was much more reluctant to say anything.

I don't know what speed we were doing but it was fast, and I desperately didn't want to be sick in my friend's car. I guess I didn't realise the car was still moving after I yelled stop. So I opened the door and just jumped onto the road, I landed on my right knee and rolled several times at high speed. Still got a large scar on my knee, there was stitches and much blood. If I had jumped a few seconds earlier I'd most likely be dead.

I have also stapled my fingers on 3 separate occasions, once was just last year - so I have an irrational fear of staplers.

con___manx1

i was laying a carpet in my brothers house while watching the word cup in 2010.when i was cutting a piece of carpet a goal went in and i cut my wrist with the stanley knife. iddddioott ; )

bodhrandude

In 1976 in Scotland it was my sisters birthday, she had just turned twelve, the family decided to go for day trip out to Luss in Argyll and Bute, Loch Lomond. We had only been there an hour when I accidentally shut the car door locked with the keys in the ignition. The only way we could get in again was to phone our brother in Glasgow to come out by train with the spare set of keys. So my while my folks had drinks in the local hotel bar minors were not allowed in at a certain time me and my sisters had to spend the evening in the bus shelter in the pouring rain while we waited for the brother to show up with the keys. So my sisters twelfth birthday will always be remembered as being ruined by me and my incompetence. Not the stupidest thing I've done but silly enough

SuperS54

Was an idiot in my youth...

Bored living in the countryside so would come up with various forms of amusement, generally destructive.

Remember a particularly pleasant sunny day where myself and my brother took turns at shooting a high powered air rifle at stones and rocks to get the cowboy movie rickocet whiiiiinnnnnngggg as the pellet buzzed by our heads. Great fun until one didn't miss, still have a scar on my forehead, could have been much worse.

Found an old book of chemical formulas and discovered gun powder. Amazingly was able to buy all the incredients in several chemists (after learning not to ask for them all at the same time!). Had great fun with gunpowder trails and what not. Decided to take it up a notch and see could we get the stuff to explode rather than just fizzle and burn. Our research showed that a suitable vessel was needed in which the pressure would build up. Got a big coffee jar and quarter filled it with home made gunpowder, plan was that my brother would throw in a match and I'd screw the lid on before hurling it away (I know how dumb that sounds....and was as it turns out...) Jar filled, match thrown, gunpowder fizzles, tried to get the lid on and all I got was a stream of red hot gunpowder gases that burned the heel of my hand away. Had to hide that from my parents for a couple of weeks until it healed, still have a scar to this day, probably should have had plastic surgery...

Decided to take up what seemed like a less dangerous hobby and bought a radio controlled model airplane kit. Didn't have a lot of cash so bought a wooden kit that you had to assemble yourself. Was using an actual medical scapel to trim some parts, was trimming some hardwood with a brand new scapel and putting a lot of pressure on the blade when it suddenly slipped and embedded itself in my thumb. Had to wiggle it to remove as it had stuck in the bone...Didn't hurt till later but bled a whole heap. Took ages to heal as it was such a straight cut, have a nice scar.

Once I finished the plane I bought a second hand engine for it. Was near the end of it's life and not easy to start. Spent ages flicking over the propellor by hand until finally it spluttered into life. With these engines you had to get them running at full speed and then adjust a small knob about half an inch from the back of the propellor in order to tune it. You're supposed to do this from the back. After taking so long to get the thing started it then began to sputter and die, instead of going around behind the thing I tried to reach the needle from the front before the engine died. Unfortunately I miss judged the diameter of the propellor and had the tip of it, which apparently was travelling close to the speed of sound, slice though my middle finger from the the tip, up the nail and to the first joint. Looked like one of those cartoon accidents where a airplane fillets something. Spent the afternoon in hospital having the lose bits of shredded nail pulled out before it could be bandaged up. Hurt rather a lot, still have a wonky nail and scarred finger as a memory...

Going Strong

shroom007 wrote: »

When I was about 12 decided to see how far I could cycle with my eyes closed, not very far was the answer about 2 seconds after closing my eyes I smacked straight into my neighbours concrete mixer truck, when I got up he was standing at his door and there was a few people on the street, in complete silence not even laughing at me just looking. What a spanner it still makes me laugh now

I feel your pain. Once in my early teens, when cycling down a very steep hill, I decided it was the perfect time and place to push the front mudguard back into place with my foot. I ended up turning the wheel left, hit the kerb, got flung over the handlebars and just missed head-butting a tree. I was fairly battered and bruised and had chipped a tooth. The bike was grand altogether though and I picked it up and cycled home. It was as I put it in the shed that I noticed that the front forks were bent completely around the wrong way. Instead of curving backwards, they now curved forwards.

I was in trouble already as, a few weeks earlier when racing a friend on our bikes and it got a bit too competitive so I shoved him hard and he crashed into a parked car and broke a headlight. So, when explaining what had happened to my front forks, I claimed that I'd had to swerve to avoid a dog. It worked too and I avoided any trouble.

Ihatecuddles

I tried to see how far I could cycle with my hands crossed. Jesus that's tricky!!

Duff

Once tried the whole 'cycling with your hands in your jacket pocket' thing. Went well for about 3 seconds until I got a speed wobble and sailed off the bike into a load of wheelie bins.

GenieOz

did the cycling with eyes closed thing too, except I tried no hands too.

Que 5 seconds later and I was laid on top of the bonnet of a car with the owner asking me "WHAT THE FÚCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT!" out of his sitting room window..ahh a shameful little cry and hobble back to my house to inform the mother I'd damaged someones car and she had to pay.

I told everyone that I was swerving to avoid a dog, there was no dog, this is the first time I've ever told the truth.

OldNotWIse

Used a contact lens when I was meant to be off them for a year. As it was old I ended up getting a massive eye infection and episcleritis. Almost lost my sight in that eye and cost my parents a fortune with a specialist. Still feel guilty about it. (and stupid)

mathie

Motivator wrote: »

I joined a gym when I was about 21. Had never been inside one before & hadn't a clue how to use any machines or how to use the weights area. The first day I was there was a Saturday morning & the place was packed. I was on the threadmill & everything was going grand until in the mirror I noticed a gorgeous girl behind me. I lost concentration for a split second & missed a step on the threadmill which was moving at a fair speed. I lost all balance & fell but managed to regain composure fairly quickly & balance myself but made a massive noise when I fell so when I got back up & running half the gym was laughing at me.

Anyway, feeling a bit hot under the collar I decided to release some tension by using the weight bench. I was wrecked tired from the threadmill, add in the shock & embarrassment of falling & the heat in the gym it was a poor move out of me. I sat down on the bench to compose myself & spotted the lovely girl again. Determined to make up for the embarrassment of the threadmill incident I decided to throw caution to the wind & bench press 50kg. I may not sound a lot but bear in mind I had never touched a weight before & this mixed in with the other factors in hindsight it was a miracle I wasn't killed. Having heard about a "spotter" I didn't know what it was...I wish I had.

With the lovely girl peddling away on her bike I was right in her eyeline. I lay back on the bench & lifted the barbell. Not even halfway up on the first rep my arms buckled & the barbell came straight down on my chest. Broke my breastplate & did huge damage to my ribs. I spent 4 weeks in hospital & another 3 months in rehab being given the confidence to move around. It affected me very badly psychologically as i came very close to dropping the barbell right down on my throat which would have probably chopped my head off.

Hands down the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself & hopefully it will never be topped.

Is your first name Mr?

Wurly

A number of years ago, my parents were on holidays and I was the resident house-sitter. One morning I woke up late for work and was rushing like a mad yoke to get out the door. I forgot everything. I closed the front door behind me and just as I heard it close, I realised that both my keys and my phone were still inside. So I had no key to open the porch door. So there I was, for 8 hours, trapped in between the two doors. The postman came and I felt like an awful eejit just sitting in the porch. My rescue came when my next door neighbour finally came home and opened the door with her spare key. I had to shout at her through the letterbox.:pac: I had survived on half a small bottle of water than happened to be in my bag. It was a ROASTING day too.

Gobsh1te!

whitewave

Not as bad as some of the previous stories, but I regularly drop my phone on my face in bed, punch myself in the face trying to pull up the blankets or else elbow myself in the boob trying to get a jumper/t-shirt off

Oink

I think I might some special kind of dumb. Maybe I shouldn't cycle home tonight...

beano345 wrote: »

Put a black cat banger which I thought was a dud after it didn't go off into my mouth like a smoke[...] luckily it blew outwards and left me with a shocked head and ringing ears....!

Check. Well, I held it in my hand rather than put it in my mouth

LordChessington wrote: »

...slicing my thumb open to almost the bone ...

Check. (Forefinger)

LordChessington wrote: »

I've rubbed my eye while chopping chillies ...

Yup.

maryfred wrote: »

Cut my hair with a kitchen scissors when i was 13

Been there.

poundapunnet wrote: »

'sure I'll just go out in my pyjamas, be grand'.

I used to put my pants over my pajamas. Cowboy style .
My Mom stood me up on a chair, called my aunt around, and asked me to pull down the pants. Didn't do that again....

homemadecider

Wurly wrote: »

A number of years ago, my parents were on holidays and I was the resident house-sitter. One morning I woke up late for work and was rushing like a mad yoke to get out the door. I forgot everything. I closed the front door behind me and just as I heard it close, I realised that both my keys and my phone were still inside. So I had no key to open the porch door. So there I was, for 8 hours, trapped in between the two doors. The postman came and I felt like an awful eejit just sitting in the porch. My rescue came when my next door neighbour finally came home and opened the door with her spare key. I had to shout at her through the letterbox.:pac: I had survived on half a small bottle of water than happened to be in my bag. It was a ROASTING day too.

Gobsh1te!

Winner!

blastman

DesperateDan wrote: »

I have also stapled my fingers on 3 separate occasions, once was just last year - so I have an irrational fear of staplers.

I wouldn't say it's irrational, then....

stimpson

whitewave wrote: »

Not as bad as some of the previous stories, but I regularly drop my phone on my face in bed, punch myself in the face trying to pull up the blankets or else elbow myself in the boob trying to get a jumper/t-shirt off

How is that even possible?

shroom007

mauzo! wrote: »

I tried to see how far I could cycle with my hands crossed. Jesus that's tricky!!

Brilliant im tempted

how'd you get on

whitewave

stimpson wrote: »

How is that even possible?

Trying to pull my arm out of the sleeve of a jumper, let go of the sleeve...elbow catapults back...smack!

OldNotWIse

Wurly wrote: »

A number of years ago, my parents were on holidays and I was the resident house-sitter. One morning I woke up late for work and was rushing like a mad yoke to get out the door. I forgot everything. I closed the front door behind me and just as I heard it close, I realised that both my keys and my phone were still inside. So I had no key to open the porch door. So there I was, for 8 hours, trapped in between the two doors. The postman came and I felt like an awful eejit just sitting in the porch. My rescue came when my next door neighbour finally came home and opened the door with her spare key. I had to shout at her through the letterbox.:pac: I had survived on half a small bottle of water than happened to be in my bag. It was a ROASTING day too.

Gobsh1te!

Lol, you should have invented a game to amuse yourself, like pretending you were the family pet and snarly and biting at him through the letterbox :P

5live

I was cleaning lambs tails with a pair of the above when the lamb broke loose. I tried to catch him with one hand but couldn't so i threw the shears away to use my other hand when the lamb changed direction so i flew off in the other direction with the shears in the air. I put my foot out to steady myself, just as the shears came down in that spot. It went clear through my wellies and foot and out the other side.:o

I hobbled back to my house, shears still stuck in my leg, to get someone to pull it out. My mother was first on the scene and she fainted on the spot. My father was next and all he could do was pull it out and ring for an ambulance.

Turned out the LAST thing thing we should have done was pull it out. Took off the wellie, about quarter full of blood at this stage, and elevated my leg and applied pressure. At this stage my mother came around and picked up the wellie to tidy up before the ambulance came and all the blood flowed out and she fainted again.

When the ambulance came finally, they spent as much time reviving my mother than sorting me:D

I spent a week in hospital on a drip and antibiotics and off my feet for 2 weeks after.

I fell off a ladder helping an electrician put up lights and the ladder slipped and i broke a rib. It hurt to breath and all my 'friends' came round to tell me jokes which hurt more than breathing:)

osarusan

Applied Deep Heat to my inner thigh, and ended up with a burning willy.

funny thing was that a few years later, my friend wanted some, so I gave it to him, with the advice to use it sparingly and avoid his groin. They guy smeared it all over himself, and was in agony.

EDIT: Stamped on a nail poking out of some wood, intending to bend it flat. Ended up with a tetanus shot.

Going Strong

osarusan wrote: »

Applied Deep Heat to my inner thigh, and ended up with a burning willy.

funny thing was that a few years later, my friend wanted some, so I gave it to him, with the advice to use it sparingly and avoid his groin. They guy smeared it all over himself, and was in agony.

EDIT: Stamped on a nail poking out of some wood, intending to bend it flat. Ended up with a tetanus shot.

Not Deep Heat and not me, honest, but a friend of mine decided he'd had enough of shaving rash so applied Immac to his face. Instead of the baby-smooth skin he'd imagined, he got a red raw face for a couple of weeks and a burning sensation. When he could shave again, his shaving rash was even worse from then on. Epic fail.

Paddy Cow

Going Strong wrote: »

Not Deep Heat and not me, honest, but a friend of mine decided he'd had enough of shaving rash so applied Immac to his face. Instead of the baby-smooth skin he'd imagined, he got a red raw face for a couple of weeks and a burning sensation. When he could shave again, his shaving rash was even worse from then on. Epic fail.

Isn't there a review where some guy put stuff on his privates and it didn't have the desired results? His review is hilarious but for the life of me I can't think of it now. It's been doing the rounds for years so someone will remember it. If I remember I'll post the link.

uch

harry Bailey esq wrote: »

mine usually involve fire.When i was a kid lighting your own farts was all the rage,the whole class was at it,one unfortunate day in April 92 i let rip and burnt the hole off meself .

Hehe, I did this in the early 80's too, I was called captain caveman in school because I was so hairy, after setting me hole on fire I was baldy from above the knees to me belly button.

Paddy Cow

Found it. The review is by A.Chappell. A lesson to all men!

sebastianlieken

sebastianlieken wrote: »

I was once playing with a big slab of a rock out in our garden as a kid and managed to drop the slab onto my big toe, all went black and blue and the nail came off. 4 months later when the toe had healed and my nail had regrown I was out playing in the garden again; I managed to drop the exact same rock onto the exact same toe again. All went black and blue again and the toe nail came off. that sucked.

razorblunt wrote: »

Jesus where were all your toys?

They were under the slab of rock.

and don't call me jesus.

thejaguar

Hanging around a bonfire as a young gouger and something popped and sent a rock rolling out of the bonfire.
Sure I'll just pick that up and throw it back in won't I?

The rock first stuck to my hand, then flew off with a few layers of skin. I then watched the blisters grow on all 4 fingers and the palm of my hand. Had fingers like sausages for a few days after that.

Blamed it on some 'older kids' or some pathetic thing like that when I got home.

Antar Bolaeisk

Was playing some game with my brother and sister which involved balancing a plank of wood over the edge of the bed with my sister standing on the bed end and me on the air end. All was going well until mum called us for dinner at which point my sister ran out and I plummeted ripping open the six-week old wound on my head on the radiator.

razorblunt

sebastianlieken wrote: »

They were under the slab of rock.

and don't call me jesus.

Sebastian no lieken being called Jesus?

dgt

Had tcp spill on my balls. Boy that stung....

Dizzicizzi

I was 17 at my sisters 21st and got so, so, so drunk. My father gave me a lift home first because I was in a bad way. He went out to collect the rest of the family from the pub so I was left alone. I suddenly felt very sick and ran to the toilet. While being violently sick, I was still considerate, so lifted the lid and the seat out of the way. Then... I let go of the heavy weight pine toilet seat and it knocked me out. I had a huge bruise on my forehead for about a week.

Fun times.

Ihatecuddles

shroom007 wrote: »

Brilliant im tempted

how'd you get on

By crossed I meant my hands swapped over on the handlebars.

Its really f*cking hard.

Ihatecuddles

Oh yeah, I once rubbed one of the worlds hottest hot sauces on my vagina.

In a pub. Strangers poured milk on it for me.

Dizzicizzi

mauzo! wrote: »

Oh yeah, I once rubbed one of the worlds hottest hot sauces on my vagina.

In a pub. Strangers poured milk on it for me.

You're a special kind of f**ked up. I like it.

Ihatecuddles

Dizzicizzi wrote: »

You're a special kind of f**ked up. I like it.

I had a tiny bit on my finger, stuck it in my friends mouth for a laugh. He almost died, his face went all red, he was coughing, dribbling...then it was my turn went to the toilet, wiped, the tissue was irrelevant seeing as I ended up running my fingers from nearly my arse to the front. It was horrific.

Dizzicizzi

mauzo! wrote: »

I had a tiny bit on my finger, stuck it in my friends mouth for a laugh. He almost died, his face went all red, he was coughing, dribbling...then it was my turn went to the toilet, wiped, the tissue was irrelevant seeing as I ended up running my fingers from nearly my arse to the front. It was horrific.

OH MY GAWD!!!! Hilarious. I snorted. You poor thing that sounds awful.

MRnotlob606

slammed the car door on my middle finger and chipped the bone :mad:

Ihatecuddles

Dizzicizzi wrote: »

OH MY GAWD!!!! Hilarious. I snorted. You poor thing that sounds awful.

There was a bathroom full of girls puring creme de menthe on my vag, while I sat on the toilet, legs spread...letting them

It was a boards beers too. Oh the shame.

shopaholic01

mauzo! wrote: »

There was a bathroom full of girls puring creme de menthe on my vag, while I sat on the toilet, legs spread...letting them

It was a boards beers too. Oh the shame.

:D:D:D:D

Dizzicizzi

mauzo! wrote: »

There was a bathroom full of girls puring creme de menthe on my vag, while I sat on the toilet, legs spread...letting them

It was a boards beers too. Oh the shame.

Wow... The Motors meets are never that interesting...

Sam Kade

GenieOz wrote: »

You're one of those people who thinks it isn't a word then?

http://languageandgrammar.com/2008/05/09/stupid-grammar-error/

It's an American slang word just because it made it's way into a dictionary isn't proof it's a word

siblers

At my Debs (I had been told it was gonna be a night to cherish). I turned up at the venue, went straight to the bar and downed 5 pints of Bulmers in one in under 20 minutes. About 5 minutes later I was puking my guts out over a spiked iron garden fence, I then slept on the bus till the night was over.

blastman

mauzo! wrote: »

There was a bathroom full of girls puring creme de menthe on my vag, while I sat on the toilet, legs spread...letting them

It was a boards beers too. Oh the shame.

I think I love you!!

I have to ask, why Creme De Menthe? Just because it was minty? Peppermint cordial would have been cheaper.....

blastman

5live wrote: »

I fell off a ladder helping an electrician put up lights and the ladder slipped and i broke a rib. It hurt to breath and all my 'friends' came round to tell me jokes which hurt more than breathing:)

I have 'friends' like that, they showed up in hospital the day after I had my appendix out and spent an hour trying to make me laugh. Bástards!

CaSCaDe711

Started smoking cigarettes
But then quit many many years later