Contacting Dad

noraos

Hi all,

I hope I am on the correct forum. I am looking for peoples advice on a situation and I want to know if I am doing the correct thing.

Myself and my sons father are not in a relationship. We have a turbulent relationship, but he gets extremely nasty verbally when we argue. He drains the life out of me, and everything has to be a big drama if we need to arrange anything ref our son. He seems to enjoy making everything difficult.

He calls me terrible names and has done infront of our son. This is the way the man is, and always has been, he destroyed my confidence as a human being, and to this day he refers to me as a 'disease'.

As a result of this, I have blocked him as a contact on my phone, therefore I cannot recieve any calls or texts from him.
I advised him of my decision, and told him, if our son wishes to ring him, at any time, for any reason, he can do so.

When my son is with his Dad, I unblock him incase my child needs to talk to me.
I unblocked his father this morning to confirm times for collection this weekend, and in that few minutes, he called me terrible names and accused me of stopping contact with his child.

I am not doing it to punish him, my child is almost 10, excels at school, fit healthy, outgoing, confident and has a good heart, he has given his pocket money to charity more often than not. And I feel as I was a young single mom, I have done a pretty good job. His dad seems to say otherwise each time we argue.

I just want to know am I right to block his phone? He lives at home with his parents and they have a landline, so if there ever was an emergency, he could if he wanted to pick up the house phone.

Not sure if this is for parenting, or personal issues, cos I am doing this for my own mental health, and my boy doesnt know about the number being blocked. but as mentioned can ring his dad whenever he wants.

Am I wrong to do this...?

January

Not one bit wrong to do it.

In fact, I'd probably stop talking to him altogether and arrange things through his parents. Are they aware of how their son is acting towards the mother of their grand child?

Gotham

I think it's a bad idea to block him, but I sympathise with the reason youre doing it for.
So try to make an agreement: if he is pleasant to you on the phone, you'll stop blocking him.

As a 3rd party observer, this seems like a fair deal to me.

The Corinthian

Difficult to tell if you're right or wrong, as I suspect that your relationship with the father is probably a lot more complex than you've described. For example, he's accused you of blocking contact with his child; and you actually have to an extent in that while your child can contact him, he has no means to contact his child, from what I can see.

On the other end side of the coin, if you have to deal with someone who is constantly abusive or harassing you, you have to do something about it, as it's simply not reasonable for anyone to put up with that type of thing.

I would advise that you always keep some line of communication open, even if you block the more direct one's like the phone; email or via a third party, for example. If for no other reason, than for emergencies.

Also, given your son is almost ten, it may be an idea that he gets his own phone to stay in contact with his father. It'll mean that you'll need even less direct contact with him and he won't be able to claim that you're interfering in his access any more, especially if you let him handle the phone contract.

noraos

Hi Thank you all for your replies, and suggestions.

He does not want the child to have a mobile phone.

The child has a tablet, which i said could have apps like, voxer, viber, whats app etc.. and they could have that, but the dad wont install them in his own phone.

He can email me everyday, but he wont email nastiness as its through his work email, he lives in a house with a landline and 3 other adults, he has plenty of access if he really should want it.

He has also never applied for, nor asked for guradianship, as he has never needed it. I have never ever stopped him from seeing his son. My own father walked away from me years ago, and if there is ever anythin i ever wished for my son, is to not ever feel that feeling of rejection, or 'not being wanted'.
I am a single mom who works 50+ hours a week, I would only love if he took him for a few hours during the week, I would love a hobby, yoga, gym etc.. but this is not an option. I am not playing the victim at all here, its the life choice i made, when I asked his dad to go and I am happy with it.

I have arranged an agreed time for my son to call him during the week, and I hope that this is fair, I have offered an evening during the week, as evening brighter, but told, no point, as only an hour or so!

Sorry for the rant, thank you all for your input. A

The Corinthian

noraos wrote: »

He does not want the child to have a mobile phone.

The child has a tablet, which i said could have apps like, voxer, viber, whats app etc.. and they could have that, but the dad wont install them in his own phone.

Well the ball is in his court then and he can't really complain.

He can email me everyday, but he wont email nastiness as its through his work email, he lives in a house with a landline and 3 other adults, he has plenty of access if he really should want it.

That's good - also that he doesn't abuse the email. I'd suggest that any accusations he makes, regarding you 'blocking' access/contact, be responded to via email; both to put it 'on the record', but also so that you don't have to address such accusations verbally.

He has also never applied for, nor asked for guradianship, as he has never needed it.

Guardianship is overrated, TBH, with one caveat. In reality that he has never needed it is the best situation as if he 'needs it' then in most cases his 'rights' won't be enforceable.

As to the caveat, I'm not going to say the mother taking the child out of the state, oddly enough, but custody in the event of something happening to her. As things stand, your son will go to your next-of-kin (your mother, I presume) and at least guardianship better formalizes that the father is at the head of the cue.

So, if you've offered it to him, I don't know why he would not bother; you can get it signed in the presence a Peace Commissioner for free and it's not like it makes him legally any more responsible, only gives him (albeit limited) rights - no downside for him.

TBH, someone probably needs to sit down with your son's father. He's clearly still bitter about your past and he seems to be blocking his own contact. A friend could make him realize that he's being a bit of an arse about it all and that he really needs to look at implementing practical solutions rather than lashing out like a whiny little bitch.

noraos

The Corinthian, your reply made me laugh.

I have a will made, giving him and my brother joint guardianship, should anything ever happen.
I know you are all only hearing my side, but i genuinley do feel, I have done all I can do for this man, it was a classic tale of codependency, and a toxic relationship, I am glad I have grown and left, but I dont think that it cant be handled from his side.

I think the arguments and bullying is somewhat controlling me to an extent, and the blocking is something out of control, and he didnt like it.

I am only realising this as I write this. He has plenty of methods of contact, but he cant make me feel bad anymore.

I genuinely thank you for your replies... its nice to be able to get it out there and just get an unbiased view.

Thanks again.

D1stant

The best thing a father can do for his child is respect its mother.

HotHHead

I think you are doing the right thing for you, but believe me if this were to go to court,the judge would tell you to make sure the father has a contact number were he can contact his child. I had similar issues with my sons father years ago,
I blocked his number and it was written in my court order that numbers had to be exchanged!! I have a spare phone that is used for my sons dad to call him and visa versa, have been doing it this way for years. If you need to confirm or change details about something with your x use email, that way he won't get the chance to verbaly abuse you.

However if he refuses to use email, tell him on every phonecall your recording him and DO record him, in case it ever goes to court, or if things get worse you have proof of his verbal abuse.

The Corinthian

D1stant wrote: »

The best thing a father can do for his child is respect its mother.

Depends on the mother, depends on the father, depends upon the scenario; otherwise that could be one of the daftest things I've heard in a while.

LegacyUser

You said that "but he gets extremely nasty verbally when we argue." Have you both looked into non-violent communication?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication
http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

If you block his number, then technically yes, he is right, you are blocking access, you are closing communication channels. Your child will never see two adults resolving a conflict. Your child will see the solution is to shut down and shut out the other. And your child will not hear from his father as much as he might, and you will be accused of blocking access and parental alienation. I can sympathise with why you are doing it, but there are consequences to it, and it might be an idea to tell him you want to have better communications with him, but the means by which he argues is hurtful, that you can understand his anger but you ask him to find a way to express it without hurting others.

If I were in your shoes and I saw his number was calling, I would just hand the phone to my child and say "it's for you," that would be until he learns to mature a little about how he goes about things. Or get another phone that is for that contact between the two of them that you can hold onto if you don't want your boy to have a mobile yet, but can still be available to his father. If he does not want the child to have a mobile, then explain that it is not a mobile in the usual way, but it is specifically for contact between them and not for general use. This way he has his contact with your son and you can stay out of the line of fire.