Still Caring for my Ex

Pinkmoon19

I'll try and keep this short and sweet. My Ex and I broke up about a month ago. We where together for over 4 years, and for 3 years had a great relationship. Things went bad over the last year due to depression and lack of work on his part, which made us grow apart. I still maintain that this guy is a very nice person, and has many good traits and for that reason I don't want a bitter break up that causes more hurt than is necessary. We've been very civil with each other so far.

The thing is that he really didn't want to break up, and believes it has come out of nowhere. While I want to be civil, and in the future possibly have some sort of friendship (I don't really believe in exes being best mates) I don't think it's appropriate that I am still the one he turns to talk about his problems. The reason I ended the relationship is that he was really bringing me down. We lived together so there has been contact about collecting his belongings etc, which is totally normal. However he is still emailing me about how **** he is feeling, not so much about the break up but more his physical pain and depression etc. I'm only in my early 20s and he is almost 10 years older than me, and a large part of why I broke up with him was because I felt I had too much responsibility for my age, and got very little in return. And yet now that we are broken up I still seem to be worrying about him, and regularly being updated about his various problems.

As I said I don't want to be mean, I don't want to tell him he can't talk to me. How do I that nicely, and without too much hurt tell him that he needs to confide in friends and find someone else who can listen and support him?

Obviously the break up hasn't been easy for me either and I really miss him but I need to just take a step away.

The second part of this is that he took a loan from me, which we agreed he could pay back in installments, as he is currently on the dole. Given that he is now back living at his parents house and not paying rent I think this is fair. An example of me kind of giving into him or still putting his feelings before mine is this:
He hadn't paid me anything in 2 weeks, I didn't notice straight away but when I did notice I sent him an email just saying "I don't want to cause any big fuss but I noticed that you haven't paid back anything the last couple of weeks".
He replied that he would cancel going to a friends wedding in order to pay me. I assumed given that response that the wedding was on this weekend so I replied that he should go and have fun with his friends, as he needs them and that he could resume the payments the following week. He didn't thank or even really acknowledge that and then I met a mutual friend who said that the wedding isn't until the end of the month.

My friends think I need to toughen up and stop constantly being so considerate to his feelings. How do you maintain the balance of asking for what is owed but still staying on good terms?
I really don't want to be a b***h or cause undue stress but I am starting to think that maybe I am being taken for a ride and that he knows I don't like to be mean towards others.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? What would you do?

Obliq

One line from your post OP: "I don't think it's appropriate that I am still the one he turns to talk about his problems." You need to say that to him.

Unfortunately, I think he's well on the way to resenting and blaming you for all his ills, including the debt. I'm getting that from the emotionally blackmailing way he said he'd have to cancel going to his friend's wedding. I'm afraid I predict that as soon as you say "please don't turn to me any more, I'm not the one who can help you with this", then the gloves will come off, as they would have done had you replied with "Ok, thanks" to his whinge about cancelling his fun to pay you back.

You're between a rock and a hard place and I don't see how you can remain friends if he's going to get petulant and manipulative about this debt, sorry.

ongarboy

I agree with above poster. Yes, it's possible to remain friends after a break up but only where mutual respect remains. I'm not seeing much from him based on what you have told us. Yes, he is suffering from depression so that allows some leeway but the guilt tripping, and some elements of passive aggressive behaviour are not good for you and were most likely major causes of the break up.

I think you need to make a clean break in this case. I'm not sure how much he owes you and whether it would be a major financial hit on you to write it off but is it worth considering foregoing what he owes you so that you can keep your distance and move on with your life. You openly admit he puts his feelings before you. Why then do you still have to make yourself available for him anytime he wants to let off steam about his issues. I'm sorry, but right now he doesn't deserve your time. It might be tough to make the clean break and you may feel a little inconsiderate but how many times has he been that way with you. That sort of dependency is not healthy for you or him.

I think you need to experience some years as a free, independent woman and see what other guys are like as there is a risk you will always have him like a millstone around your neck. Any chances of you meeting other men will be jeopardised by his existence in your life also. You made the biggest step already by initiating the break up, now you need to follow it through.

Pinkmoon19

Thanks to both of you for your replies and your advice.

I do agree that I need to cut contact for a while but I had hoped that we would both be mature enough to treat each other civilly.

Ongarboy, yes it would be a major financial hit. it has three 000s, so I would be very reluctant to just let it go. I gave that to him a good 8 months ago and just thought that even though we had broken up that he would have enough respect to not cause a problem about it. Especially given that I was paying all the bills etc, you know to show his appreciation, or his thanks for what I've done.

So basically you guys definitely think that for now there is not much point in trying to salvage some sort of friendship and just completely cut all contact? Just to make sure you know I didn't want to be in constant contact or anything like that but I wanted it to be kept at such a level that if we happened to bump into each other etc that we could chat and not be eyeballing each other across the room.

How do other people who have broken up keep it all civil and friendly, or is it just something that comes in time?