Shared Living/Guests

irishguy1983

Looking for peoples opinions.

Live in 2 bed apartment.

The other person is having OH or other guests over a fair bit - I've gotten sick of it and at this stage I don't want any of them staying over now.

Where do i stand? What can you do?

Do you have to accept it? Or could say 'No, they are not staying, the only people entitled to stay in the apartment are myself and yourself as paying tenants'?

Penny Tration

How often are they staying?

2 nights per week seems to be the accepted norm. Any more than that and I'd be asking them for their partner/friend to contribute to the bills.

Diane Selwyn

If you are unhappy you should say something - your flat mate is not a mind reader after all and people have different expectations about what acceptable in a share house. That said I think its very reasonable of you to be annoyed especially if its only a small apartment. It sounds like your flat mate is being pretty self centred. It would not be over the top for you to expect prior notice if they want to have guests. If they continue to have other people there a lot you might suggest they kick in for a bigger percentage of the bills and probably do more of the cleaning too.

irishguy1983

green_screen wrote: »

How often are they staying?

2 nights per week seems to be the accepted norm. Any more than that and I'd be asking them for their partner/friend to contribute to the bills.

Certainly wouldn't be that.

I am just sick of it though.

My own opinion (although I am not saying I am right) is the only people entitled to stay in apartment are myself and the other person paying rent.

I don't want any contribution - I just don't want any more guests.

Really just want to know where I stand I suppose?

irishguy1983

Diane Selwyn wrote: »

If you are unhappy you should say something - your flat mate is not a mind reader after all and people have different expectations about what acceptable in a share house. That said I think its very reasonable of you to be annoyed especially if its only a small apartment. It sounds like your flat mate is being pretty self centred. It would not be over the top for you to expect prior notice if they want to have guests. If they continue to have other people there a lot you might suggest they kick in for a bigger percentage of the bills and probably do more of the cleaning too.

We've already had discussions and I am sick of it now. I've made it quite clear I don't mind people staying the odd night but that is it. I consider it unreasonable to have OH up for 2 nights at weekend - I am then sharing with couple for weekend and I am only paying to live with 1 other person.

irishguy1983

I'll put a bit more context on it.

In the last 30 days there has been a 3rd person in the apartment 8 nights out of those 30. Sometimes (rarely though) i walk into my living room and people are on couch.

I consider that far too much.

Penny Tration

Hmm.

I don't know.

I can understand you being annoyed by it, because nobody wants a person they don't know in their home.

However, your housemate is perfectly entitled to have guests over, so long as it's not for unreasonable durations.

2 nights isn't unreasonable by most peoples' standards.

If you don't like it, then talk to her about it, but 2 days is about average for what's considered acceptable in a house share.

Unfortunately for you, she is allowed to have guests over. If you are unhappy with it, and talking to her doesn't work, by all means talk to the landlord, but I doubt there'll be a happy resolution to this.

irishguy1983

green_screen wrote: »

Hmm.

I don't know.

I can understand you being annoyed by it, because nobody wants a person they don't know in their home.

However, your housemate is perfectly entitled to have guests over, so long as it's not for unreasonable durations.

2 nights isn't unreasonable by most peoples' standards.

If you don't like it, then talk to her about it, but 2 days is about average for what's considered acceptable in a house share.

Unfortunately for you, she is allowed to have guests over. If you are unhappy with it, and talking to her doesn't work, by all means talk to the landlord, but I doubt there'll be a happy resolution to this.

Your definite on this? 100%? I thought i was right in saying i could say 'No' but then i wanted to find out what other people knew.

I wouldn't consider staying over at weekend reasonable at all but then again that is more of an opinion/subjective thing.

I'm more keen on finding out where I stand?! I don't really want to get into opinion thing as that kind of thing could go forever if you know what i mean! What is mad to one person can be quite normal to another if ya get me.

irishguy1983

green_screen wrote: »

Hmm.

I don't know.

I can understand you being annoyed by it, because nobody wants a person they don't know in their home.

However, your housemate is perfectly entitled to have guests over, so long as it's not for unreasonable durations.

2 nights isn't unreasonable by most peoples' standards.

If you don't like it, then talk to her about it, but 2 days is about average for what's considered acceptable in a house share.

Unfortunately for you, she is allowed to have guests over. If you are unhappy with it, and talking to her doesn't work, by all means talk to the landlord, but I doubt there'll be a happy resolution to this.

That sums it up nicely - i couldnt be arsed on a Saturday/Sunday waking up and and having to deal with people i don't know in sitting room. I just want to turn on TV and relax. Feel it would be different if it was 4 bed big house, but in 2 small apartment you really know when there is a 3rd person around.

WhyTheFace

It shouldn't be every weekend. Yee should agree on a roster so both of yee can plan around it.

Two nights per week is grand but not every weekend.

Unfortunately this is part of living with other people. Realistically your only other option is to live alone.

iguana

Where are these guests staying? In the roomate's room or are they sleeping in the livingroom. I had an ex flatmate who was always inviting people to stay and they'd sleep in the livingroom, meaning I'd come home sometimes at night and find myself unable to watch my own tv. Something like that happening twice a week pissed me off but if he'd had a girlfriend/friend staying in his room a couple of times a week, I wouldn't have minded much.

irishguy1983

WhyTheFace wrote: »

It shouldn't be every weekend. Yee should agree on a roster so both of yee can plan around it.

Two nights per week is grand but not every weekend.

Unfortunately this is part of living with other people. Realistically your only other option is to live alone.

I would disagree entirely.

I believe she needs to live alone - if you want a situation where can have BF over at weekend, friends over, etc. then she is the one that needs to live alone. However we are sharing and the other person muct be taken into conisderation (just my opionion).

I'd never have a person up for 2 nights at the weekend as I know I am imposing on them, i know they don't want a third person around, i know they the guest is taking up space and in all likelihood they probably could do without having to go through a force, bull**** conversation with a guest!

irishguy1983

iguana wrote: »

Where are these guests staying? In the roomate's room or are they sleeping in the livingroom. I had an ex flatmate who was always inviting people to stay and they'd sleep in the livingroom, meaning I'd come home sometimes at night and find myself unable to watch my own tv. Something like that happening twice a week pissed me off but if he'd had a girlfriend/friend staying in his room a couple of times a week, I wouldn't have minded much.

WOW - your very accomadating.

BF is staying in her room and guests can sometimes be in her room and the odd time on the couch.

Michael D Not Higgins

Honest answer OP: If you don't want guests you're going to have to live on your own.

Otherwise you're going to have to come to a strict schedule of when people can stay, as the 'odd night' scenario you previously outlined is not specific enough to let your roommate know what you consider acceptable.

irishguy1983

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

Honest answer OP: If you don't want guests you're going to have to live on your own.

Otherwise you're going to have to come to a strict schedule of when people can stay, as the 'odd night' scenario you previously outlined is not specific enough to let your roommate know what you consider acceptable.

It's not as black and white as that honestly. It is also kind of to do with the type of guests - they wouldn't be that well house trained so to speak.

Quick example for you: Came home on Saturday afternoon to see the BF sprawled out on couch watching TV. He was there lying in trackie and socks as though he owned the place (i felt quite uncomfortable yet i ma the on paying 650 Euro's a month in rent). He then fell asleep and upon waking up got up off the couch and said to me "You can have the couch now".

I nearly decked him. Told the roomie i wouldn't put up with that behaviour in a million years.

Michael D Not Higgins

irishguy1983 wrote: »

It's not as black and white as that honestly. It is also kind of to do with the type of guests - they wouldn't be that well house trained so to speak.

Quick example for you: Came home on Saturday afternoon to see the BF sprawled out on couch watching TV. He was there lying in trackie and socks as though he owned the place (i felt quite uncomfortable yet i ma the on paying 650 Euro's a month in rent). He then fell asleep and upon waking up got up off the couch and said to me "You can have the couch now".

I nearly decked him. Told the roomie i wouldn't put up with that behaviour in a million years.

When you're living with someone, you need ground rules to sort out these kinds of disputes. I think it is as black and white as that. You clearly are not happy with the situation of guests staying all the time. If you're not happy, lay down the ground rules or move out.

irishguy1983

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

Honest answer OP: If you don't want guests you're going to have to live on your own.

Otherwise you're going to have to come to a strict schedule of when people can stay, as the 'odd night' scenario you previously outlined is not specific enough to let your roommate know what you consider acceptable.

I was specific - I said 1 night when I am up for weekend is enough. I also pointed out that if I am away i couldn;t care who is there.

I would only be there on averge every second weekend.

I pay 650 a month - I am only there every second weekend - no way on the weekend I am there am i sharing with a 3rd person!

irishguy1983

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

When you're living with someone, you need ground rules to sort out these kinds of disputes. I think it is as black and white as that. You clearly are not happy with the situation of guests staying all the time. If you're not happy, lay down the ground rules or move out.

I have and it has kind of being ignored. I certainly won't be going anywhere.

Michael D Not Higgins

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I was specific - I said 1 night when I am up for weekend is enough. I also pointed out that if I am away i couldn;t care who is there.

I would only be there on averge every second weekend.

I pay 650 a month - I am only there every second weekend - no way on the weekend I am there am i sharing with a 3rd person!

What did you roommate say when you informed them that they breached your agreement?

It might be time to broach the subject with the landlord if you can't come to an agreement she will stick to.

irishguy1983

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

What did you roommate say when you informed them that they breached your agreement?

It might be time to broach the subject with the landlord if you can't come to an agreement she will stick to.

I'll explain - BF stayed 3 nights in a row 3 weeks ago (Fri, Sat, Sun). Then 3 days later a friend of hers stayed on the Wednesday night. This situation of 4 nights in the space of 7 days was completly unacceptable to me.

I made it very clear I wasn't happy with this and in general if I am around at weekend i don't want people staying more than 1 night.

This weekend BF is staying Fri & Sun.

It is not a black and white situation. I came on here to get peoples opinions and i i have learned that i simply can't say 'Guests are not allowed'.

I think it would all be a bit different if house guests were a bit more respectful of the fact they were staying in apartment, if i didn't have to request she told me when people were staying over ( i was just waking up to people in the hall).

If she had gone about this in a different way I'd say things would have being grand.

The tension last night was great!

Michael D Not Higgins

The ground rules should also concern how the flat is treated, e.g. noise after a certain time at night, shared living spaces, etc. This should be her job to ensure her guests follow these rules. But she obviously doesn't respect your ground rules, so you either need to inform the landlord there are an excessive number of guests occupying the apartment (which unless a family has moved into a single room, he'll not want to get involved in a dispute between tenants) or one of you move out.

What's the nature of your relationship with the roommate? Are you subletting to them or vice versa? Are you joint tenants?

Class Act

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

What did you roommate say when you informed them that they breached your agreement?

It might be time to broach the subject with the landlord if you can't come to an agreement she will stick to.

If the tenant will not change their behaviour even after ground rules are laid down, as OP has said, is their much the landlord can do? As long as the rent is paid on time and these extra "guests" are not causing damage to the landlord's property, I can't see a landlord having an interest?

OP, have you discussed with the landlord? Or anyone in similar situation discussed with landlord? Any landlords on here: what would your response be if a tenant came to you with this issue?

irishguy1983

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

The ground rules should also concern how the flat is treated, e.g. noise after a certain time at night, shared living spaces, etc. This should be her job to ensure her guests follow these rules. But she obviously doesn't respect your ground rules, so you either need to inform the landlord there are an excessive number of guests occupying the apartment (which unless a family has moved into a single room, he'll not want to get involved in a dispute between tenants) or one of you move out.

What's the nature of your relationship with the roommate? Are you subletting to them or vice versa? Are you joint tenants?

We are joint tenants - I'd say maybe the landlord would prefer me

Its a tricky one really - there is an age gap aswell.

It be very childish but it it continues I will be making her life uncomfortable. She is making my life uncomfrotable so I will be returning the favour (yes I fully realise I sound like a ten year but I've tried to discuss it like an adult and that hasn't worked).

So i have the BF Fri and Sun this weekend, I'll be away the following weekend and then in 2 weeks I'll be up again - am I meant ot put with BF again that weekend?! nah just not happening!

irishguy1983

Class Act wrote: »

If the tenant will not change thier behaviour even after ground rules are laid down, as OP has said, is their much the landlord can do? As long as the rent is paid on time and these extra "guests" are not causing damage to the landlord's property, I can't see a landlord having an interest?

OP, have you discussed with the landlord? Or anyone in similar situation discussed with landlord? Any landlords on here: what would your response be if a tenant came to you with this issue?

I think you are completely right there - landlord has no interest in such a petty issue and wouldn't want to get involved. I live in Dublin - she could get people in tomorrow morning in a heartbeat and not have to deal with this.

Teyla Emmagan

irishguy1983 wrote: »

It be very childish but it it continues I will be making her life uncomfortable. She is making my life uncomfrotable so I will be returning the favour (yes I fully realise I sound like a ten year but I've tried to discuss it like an adult and that hasn't worked).

Don't go down this road please. You will just be the one that comes out like a total d*ck.

irishguy1983 wrote: »

So i have the BF Fri and Sun this weekend, I'll be away the following weekend and then in 2 weeks I'll be up again - am I meant ot put with BF again that weekend?! nah just not happening!

You said there was an age gap, I am taking it she is younger than you? Only based on the fact that if she was older her mates would probably have places other to stay other than on your couch. And I'm guessing her boyf is living at home or somewhere that makes it harder for her to go back to.

You are just going to have to talk to her again. Just tell her that you think she's being unfair and selfish (which is what you think, regardless of what other people's opinions might be) and that there are people staying over too much. Tell her you're fine if the OH stays there the nights that you aren't around (2 nights every 2nd weekend), but otherwise you only want to see him in the place once a week. And no other randomers.

I would be hardline enough on this too (because I am an intolerant cow), but realistically you are the one paying the rent, and you do not have to facilitate her love life. Other people may disagree strongly with that, but the older you get the less you are able to put up with this stuff, IMO.

Michael D Not Higgins

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Tell her you're fine if the OH stays there the nights that you aren't around (2 nights every 2nd weekend), but otherwise you only want to see him in the place once a week. And no other randomers.

I think the problem is he has already told her as much, but she won't stick to this agreement.

The next step is how do you deal with the next breach of the agreement. Stop the boyfriend at the door and tell him he can't come in?

Tiddlypeeps

You can't demand your housemate not have her boyfriend over at the weekend. If she wants to have him over every weekend then there is nothing you can do about it. It would have been kind of her to concede the odd weekend, but she is under no obligation to do so.

While I can understand your frustration (I hated living in house shares), you are being totally unreasonable. You are paying vastly reduced rent exactly because you have to put up with another person living in your house. If you can't put up with this then you are going to have to pay more rent to get a place of your own. That's just how it is.

Having people over 4 nights a week is not on, and you were well within your rights to call her on that. If that keeps up then the landlord should really do something about it, but from the sounds of it that was an exception. 2 nights a week is totally reasonable, she is not breaking any rules and you cannot demand that she stop doing this.

Your only options are to either put up with it, find a new place with a more introverted housemate or get your own place and live alone.

irishguy1983

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Don't go down this road please. You will just be the one that comes out like a total d*ck.



You said there was an age gap, I am taking it she is younger than you? Only based on the fact that if she was older her mates would probably have places other to stay other than on your couch. And I'm guessing her boyf is living at home or somewhere that makes it harder for her to go back to.

You are just going to have to talk to her again. Just tell her that you think she's being unfair and selfish (which is what you think, regardless of what other people's opinions might be) and that there are people staying over too much. Tell her you're fine if the OH stays there the nights that you aren't around (2 nights every 2nd weekend), but otherwise you only want to see him in the place once a week. And no other randomers.

I would be hardline enough on this too (because I am an intolerant cow), but realistically you are the one paying the rent, and you do not have to facilitate her love life. Other people may disagree strongly with that, but the older you get the less you are able to put up with this stuff, IMO.

She is much younger and (24 and I am 31). I think she would be more suited to a early 20's type gaff where tis grand for people to just crash there. I am at the stage in my life where I like to get up on Saturday and Sunday morning, make a cup of tea and read the paper in the quiet of my living room (i believe i am fully entitled to that as I pay the rent). I don't want to have to deal with someone if that makes sense at all.

The time for talking is over i think at this stage.

I agree I will look like a dick but I am willing to there if again in 2 weeks the BF is staying up.

irishguy1983

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

You can't demand your housemate not have her boyfriend over at the weekend. If she wants to have him over every weekend then there is nothing you can do about it. It would have been kind of her to concede the odd weekend, but she is under no obligation to do so.

While I can understand your frustration (I hated living in house shares), you are being totally unreasonable. You are paying vastly reduced rent exactly because you have to put up with another person living in your house. If you can't put up with this then you are going to have to pay more rent to get a place of your own. That's just how it is.

Having people over 4 nights a week is not on, and you were well within your rights to call her on that. If that keeps up then the landlord should really do something about it, but from the sounds of it that was an exception. 2 nights a week is totally reasonable, she is not breaking any rules and you cannot demand that she stop doing this.

Your only options are to either put up with it, find a new place with a more introverted housemate or get your own place and live alone.

I am shocked to learn this but it appears your right. However there is absoltuely no way I would simply smile and go along with this. For every action there is a reaction so to speak.

I am paying vastly reduced rent to live with 1 other person - not 2!

irishguy1983

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

I think the problem is he has already told her as much, but she won't stick to this agreement.

The next step is how do you deal with the next breach of the agreement. Stop the boyfriend at the door and tell him he can't come in?

I'd never go down that road although i did think of it but it appears for what everyone is saying here I have to right to demand he not be there.

Tiddlypeeps

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I am shocked to learn this but it appears your right. However there is absoltuely no way I would simply smile and go along with this. For every action there is a reaction so to speak.

I am paying vastly reduced rent to live with 1 other person - not 2!

Looking for petty revenge against someone who is doing nothing wrong is a bit mental. What do you actually plan to do just out of curiosity?

Why not save yourself the heart ache and just find another place, and hope you are more compatible with the new housemate? There are plenty of nice places sharing with others around the city in your price range.

You are not living with 2 other people. People are entitled to have guests over, this is part of the package of living with even 1 other person. So yes this is exactly why you are paying vastly reduced rent.