Shared Living/Guests

irishguy1983

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Looking for petty revenge against someone who is doing nothing wrong is a bit mental. What do you actually plan to do just out of curiosity?

Why not save yourself the heart ache and just find another place, and hope you are more compatible with the new housemate? There are plenty of nice places sharing with others around the city in your price range.

You are not living with 2 other people. People are entitled to have guests over, this is part of the package of living with even 1 other person. So yes this is exactly why you are paying vastly reduced rent.

It wouldn't be petty revenge - she knows I am unhappy, uncomfortable and continues to do what she likes to do. I would never just do what I want to do, if i felt the other person was upset.

I see no reason why I should move out and I live in Dublin 4 - to say it is super hard to get a nice place in these parts would be an understatement. Also I am not willing to go through hassle of finding a place.

My opinion is of someone wants BF to be staying over regularly they are the ones that need to find their own place - not me. if tis your onw place you can have Hanniabl Lector over if you want - however if you are sharing you need to consider what other person wants/needs.

I don't mind house guests - it is the manner in which this has been done, their behaviour when they stay.

There is no just way I am paying 650 a month to have to share with a 3rd person on weekends.

I accept the vailidy of most things you say though to be fair - I just kind of somewhat disagree.

I'd never for example have a second person in there for 2 nights - I just feel tis totally unfair but then again we all live different, gre up differently. I'd never go into another person's house and sprwal out on the couch in my socks and trackie either

irishguy1983

My spelling is awful apparently

Teyla Emmagan

irishguy1983 wrote: »

She is much younger and (24 and I am 31). I think she would be more suited to a early 20's type gaff where tis grand for people to just crash there. I am at the stage in my life where I like to get up on Saturday and Sunday morning, make a cup of tea and read the paper in the quiet of my living room (i believe i am fully entitled to that as I pay the rent). I don't want to have to deal with someone if that makes sense at all.

The time for talking is over i think at this stage.

I agree I will look like a dick but I am willing to there if again in 2 weeks the BF is staying up.

But what are you going to do? You can't physically block the door or throw him out of the place (unless you want the guards round). She is entitled to have him there.

I do totally get where you are coming from though, yourself and herself are just clearly in different stages of your life.

But I just don't know what you're going to do if you're not willing to move. As someone else said, it might be worth approaching the landlord (he might tell both of you to cop on, but you never know).

irishguy1983

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

But what are you going to do? You can't physically block the door or throw him out of the place (unless you want the guards round). She is entitled to have him there.

I do totally get where you are coming from though, yourself and herself are just clearly in different stages of your life.

But I just don't know what you're going to do if you're not willing to move. As someone else said, it might be worth approaching the landlord (he might tell both of you to cop on, but you never know).

Of course I am not going to block the door. No I wouldn't be calling the guards. No poin in telling landlord either.

I have now learned that he is entitled to stay there - I accept that.

However I'm not simply going to accept this and walk around the aparmtner with a smile on my face. She lives with me - I can be a prick of hosuemate (not talk, don't socially engage, etc.) or I can be a the way I am now which she herself says is very nice.

It up to her - if she continues like this I simply won't talk to her. i accept that will create tension but at the moment I am the only one feeling tense,uncomfortable.

Tiddlypeeps

irishguy1983 wrote: »

It wouldn't be petty revenge - she knows I am unhappy, uncomfortable and continues to do what she likes to do. I would never just do what I want to do, if i felt the other person was upset.

If you had your way she would be unhappy and would feel uncomfortable in her own home so that you can do what you want.

irishguy1983 wrote: »

My opinion is of someone wants BF to be staying over regularly they are the ones that need to find their own place - not me.

You are wrong. They may not be at a point where they want to move in together. Staying over 2 nights a week is very different to living with each other. And as mentioned already she is perfectly entitled to have him stay over this much. It would be nice of her to give you the odd weekend night to yourself but she is under no obligation to do so.

It's totally understandable that you don't want the hassle of finding a new place. But you are clearly really put out by this so you need to weight up how important this is to you vs the hassle of finding a new place. There is literally nothing you can do to make her stop doing this so you need to decide if feeling bitter every single weekend that you are at home is worth it.

irishguy1983

By the way I'd never physically block him/call the guards because he is a nice guy. She too is a lovely girl and I am genuine on both accounts.

Koptain Liverpool

I think you are the one with the problem to be honest. You want to share an apartment to save on rent but you expect that you should be able to dictate to your flatmate when she can have guests

It doesn't sound unreasonsble to me to have her boyfriend up for 2 nights at the weekend. that sort of thing is very common for people in houseshares. If its a case of them taking up the living room then just tell that to your flatmate but you can't tell her that her boyfriend can't stay 2 nights at the weekend. Well you could, but she could also tell you to F** off.

It sounds like you'd be better off living alone though to be honest.

irishguy1983

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

If you had your way she would be unhappy and would feel uncomfortable in her own home so that you can do what you want.



You are wrong. They may not be at a point where they want to move in together. Staying over 2 nights a week is very different to living with each other. And as mentioned already she is perfectly entitled to have him stay over this much. It would be nice of her to give you the odd weekend night to yourself but she is under no obligation to do so.

It's totally understandable that you don't want the hassle of finding a new place. But you are clearly really put out by this so you need to weight up how important this is to you vs the hassle of finding a new place. There is literally nothing you can do to make her stop doing this so you need to decide if feeling bitter every single weekend that you are at home is worth it.

I am not wrong - tis an opinion. There isn't really a right or wrong here.

Class Act

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

Looking for petty revenge against someone who is doing nothing wrong is a bit mental. What do you actually plan to do just out of curiosity?

Why not save yourself the heart ache and just find another place, and hope you are more compatible with the new housemate? There are plenty of nice places sharing with others around the city in your price range.

You are not living with 2 other people. People are entitled to have guests over, this is part of the package of living with even 1 other person. So yes this is exactly why you are paying vastly reduced rent.

I agree with the OP. The OP signed up to live with one other person. They didn't sign up to live with a couple. They don't pay rent & bills to wait for freeloaders to leave before using the living area.

The OP's housemate knows exactly how the OP feels about the situation, but clearly couldn't care less. Really, nothing wrong? Wow

irishguy1983

Koptain Liverpool wrote: »

I think you are the one with the problem to be honest. You want to share an apartment to save on rent but you expect that you should be able to dictate to your flatmate when she can have guests

It doesn't sound unreasonsble to me to have her boyfriend up for 2 nights at the weekend. that sort of thing is very common for people in houseshares. If its a case of them taking up the living room then just tell that to your flatmate but you can't tell her that her boyfriend can't stay 2 nights at the weekend. Well you could, but she could also tell you to F** off.

It sounds like you'd be better off living alone though to be honest.

I don't dictate when she has guests - to me and again I will stress this is my opinion having BF up at weekend is not cool. If she wants that shes needs to find her own place and she can do what ever she wants. Hwoever she is sharing and needs to consider my needs/wants.

irishguy1983

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

If you had your way she would be unhappy and would feel uncomfortable in her own home so that you can do what you want.



You are wrong. They may not be at a point where they want to move in together. Staying over 2 nights a week is very different to living with each other. And as mentioned already she is perfectly entitled to have him stay over this much. It would be nice of her to give you the odd weekend night to yourself but she is under no obligation to do so.

It's totally understandable that you don't want the hassle of finding a new place. But you are clearly really put out by this so you need to weight up how important this is to you vs the hassle of finding a new place. There is literally nothing you can do to make her stop doing this so you need to decide if feeling bitter every single weekend that you are at home is worth it.

Not true - I am suggesting more balance - that's all.

Tiddlypeeps

Class Act wrote: »

I agree with the OP. The OP signed up to live with one other person. They didn't sign up to live with a couple. They don't pay rent & bills to wait for freeloaders to leave before using the living area.

The OP's housemate knows exactly how the OP feels about the situation, but clearly couldn't care less. Really, nothing wrong? Wow

I meant nothing wrong from a legal, tenants rights point of view.

Unless they have an unusual clause in the lease about having people stay over then the other tenant is doing nothing that the landlord could step in over.

I agree she doesn't sound like the best of house mates to live with. Not the worst either, but it is definitely something that would annoy me too. But again, not something the OP has any rights to make demands about. Politely ask, sure, but this has been done and has been ignored.

irishguy1983

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

I meant nothing wrong from a legal, tenants rights point of view.

Unless they have an unusual clause in the lease about having people stay over then the other tenant is doing nothing that the landlord could step in over.

I agree she doesn't sound like the best of house mates to live with. Not the worst either, but it is definitely something that would annoy me too. But again, not something the OP has any rights to make demands about. Politely ask, sure, but this has been done and has been ignored.

Agreed and accepted

Teyla Emmagan

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Not true - I am suggesting more balance - that's all.

Well, actually you're now going to force the situation, and have gone past the 'suggesting' phase. You will end up being unhappy in this brave new world yourself though, unless you have a terribly hard neck and thrive on tension.

What does she actually say when you have these chats? Is she all 'oh okay, I'll do something about it' or 'yeah, whatever'? I take it it's the former, and then it all reverts?

irishguy1983

Teyla Emmagan wrote: »

Well, actually you're now going to force the situation, and have gone past the 'suggesting' phase. You will end up being unhappy in this brave new world yourself though, unless you have a terribly hard neck and thrive on tension.

What does she actually say when you have these chats? Is she all 'oh okay, I'll do something about it' or 'yeah, whatever'? I take it it's the former, and then it all reverts?

I'm already there so won't make too much of a difference to be honest - my back is so to speak and I am very much of the opinion 'Well I'll be f*cked If I am the only unhappy one here'.

The chats are ridiculous and I feel awful having them - it basically feels like I am a 50 year old Dad giving out to teenage girl who i know is thinking 'Would he ever piss off and relax'.

It could have been different if she approaced it differently. She started going out with guy 6/7 months ago and if she had said something like 'I have started going out with new guy, do you mind having him around'? I'd have said no problem but please just be aware I value my own privacy/peace.

Instead she went about it all the wrong way - sneaking him, not telling me when people were staying over, etc. 3 weeks ago was classi example - she said 'Do you mind if John stays over Sat night'. I said no problem at all. I woke up Sat morning to bump into him in hall. I brought this up to her and said 'i thought we discussed you letting me know when people would be staying over'. She replied 'Sorry about that, he only decided to come up last night and will also be staying Sunday night too. It just felt massively disrespectful and no consideration was given to me - like people can just drop in when ever they want!

irishguy1983

The worse thing is I like both of them and think they are sound out. However we have very different ideas of living standards/manners.

Tiddlypeeps

If you are planning to stay in the same apartment for a long time it might be worth having a conversation with the landlord about working a clause into future leases that limits how often tenants can have guests over.

It won't be much use for your current situation, but it will cover you from having to deal with the same thing again whenever the current tenant decides to move on.

I can't see the landlord saying no, it's a very simple thing to do to keep a good tenant happy.

irishguy1983

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

If you are planning to stay in the same apartment for a long time it might be worth having a conversation with the landlord about working a clause into future leases that limits how often tenants can have guests over.

It won't be much use for your current situation, but it will cover you from having to deal with the same thing again whenever the current tenant decides to move on.

I can't see the landlord saying no, it's a very simple thing to do to keep a good tenant happy.

Yeah I suppose we'll have to see how this works out

Tonight now will be interesting.

I find your man a bit cheeky - he must know I am not up for him staying there and yet is there again twice this weekend. I know if i was going out with girl and her roomie didn't want me there then I just wouldn't stay there - too much tension for me but then again we are all different.

Graces7

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Yeah I suppose we'll have to see how this works out

Tonight now will be interesting.

I find your man a bit cheeky - he must know I am not up for him staying there and yet is there again twice this weekend. I know if i was going out with girl and her roomie didn't want me there then I just wouldn't stay there - too much tension for me but then again we are all different.

just a thought but why does she not go and stay with him? maybe his housemates wont let her. suggest it maybe.

Santa Cruz

Whatever about staying in the other bedroom taking up the common sPace in the livingroom isn't on. As it doesn't look like it will cchange you have two options.
1. Continue to allow yourself to be exploited
2. Get a place of your own

irishguy1983

Graces7 wrote: »

just a thought but why does she not go and stay with him? maybe his housemates wont let her. suggest it maybe.

He lives in different county and to be fair she doens't want to be travelling to him all the time.

I just wonder what is going through his brain tonight as he enters apartment knowing that a person living there doesn't want him there. That would rattle me but maybe it doesn't cost him a thought.

irishguy1983

Santa Cruz wrote: »

Whatever about staying in the other bedroom taking up the common sPace in the livingroom isn't on. As it doesn't look like it will cchange you have two options.
1. Continue to allow yourself to be exploited
2. Get a place of your own

I will probably go for option 3 - just make things uncomfortable for her

Michael D Not Higgins

I had a few friends who rented together once. One guy kept leaving things open in the kitchen even after one of the housemates asked him repeatedly to stop. He then decided the only way to get him to listen was to go into his bedroom and open every single thing in the room. Message was received short term. Long term they all just sorted out other accomodation as it wasn't working out.

You could try a dose of her own medicine. Get a friend to stay on the couch for a few days and see what she thinks.

irishguy1983

Michael D Not Higgins wrote: »

I had a few friends who rented together once. One guy kept leaving things open in the kitchen even after one of the housemates asked him repeatedly to stop. He then decided the only way to get him to listen was to go into his bedroom and open every single thing in the room. Message was received short term. Long term they all just sorted out other accomodation as it wasn't working out.

You could try a dose of her own medicine. Get a friend to stay on the couch for a few days and see what she thinks.

Small issue to me! I would be constantly cleaning up after her/cleaning out her fake tan of bathroom. I just let that crap go but i draw the line at having 3rd person abouth the place so often!

ringthebells

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Instead she went about it all the wrong way - sneaking him, not telling me when people were staying over, etc. 3 weeks ago was classi example - she said 'Do you mind if John stays over Sat night'. I said no problem at all. I woke up Sat morning to bump into him in hall. I brought this up to her and said 'i thought we discussed you letting me know when people would be staying over'. She replied 'Sorry about that, he only decided to come up last night and will also be staying Sunday night too. It just felt massively disrespectful and no consideration was given to me - like people can just drop in when ever they want!

You said earlier in the thread you're both joint leaseholders. I assume that this means that she too is paying rent equal to the amount that you are paying. That your roommate has to ask for permission in order to have her boyfriend over is frankly astounding to me considering the fact that she too is a leaseholder.

Ask them to stop monopolising shared living space, sure, but honestly she is the one I feel sorry for in this situation.

irishguy1983

ringthebells wrote: »

You said earlier in the thread you're both joint leaseholders. I assume that this means that she too is paying rent equal to the amount that you are paying. That your roommate has to ask for permission in order to have her boyfriend over is frankly astounding to me considering the fact that she too is a leaseholder.

Ask them to stop monopolising shared living space, sure, but honestly she is the one I feel sorry for in this situation.

I wouldn't call it permission - more asking for consideration.

Tis not her gaff. Nor is it mine either.

I'd aslo like to point out this is two way thing - if i have someone over I would feel that I need to clear it with them so so speak - it is called manners.

irishguy1983

Ann Landers wrote: »

Oh, and I've been on the other side. My boyfriend and friend lived in a 2-bed when I got with him, and I used to be over every weekend, all weekend. He brought it up and we realised we were totally in the wrong. You need to just talk to your flatmate.

OK - I'd like to ask you a few questions!

Did it never dawn on you that you were putting the other person out? Did this really need to be pointed out? Did ya never think 'Gees, i presume they don't want me around'? I am not being a smart ass here - I am just trying to see what the other person is thinking!

Ann Landers

Every weekend, all weekend would be annoying indeed. But two nights a week isn't unreasonable. I think you need to ask your flatmate to spread out the days a bit.

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Did it never dawn on you that you were putting the other person out? Did this really need to be pointed out? Did ya never think 'Gees, i presume they don't want me around'? I am not being a smart ass here - I am just trying to see what the other person is thinking!

I've deleted that post but will respond. Yeah it dawn on us did, but we were in the first flush. It was a mistake, but live and learn, I guess!

But two nights a week spread out isn't at all unreasonable. I was living in a different city so the weekends were all we had so we negotiated every other weekend with him.

irishguy1983

Ann Landers wrote: »

Every weekend, all weekend would be annoying indeed. But two nights a week isn't unreasonable. I think you need to ask your flatmate to spread out the days a bit.

Again I'll agree with that - if she played it a bit cuter shall we say I'd be happier.

She knows I am away pretty much every second weekend and having him say on a Wednesday and maybe 1 weekend night would be totally different to 2 weekend nights in a row! I have suggested this a number of times - I am simply looking for balance and consideration.

irishguy1983

Ann Landers wrote: »

Every weekend, all weekend would be annoying indeed. But two nights a week isn't unreasonable. I think you need to ask your flatmate to spread out the days a bit.



I've deleted that post but will respond. Yeah it dawn on us did, but we were in the first flush.

But two nights a week spread out isn't at all unreasonable. I was living in a different city so the weekends were all we had so we negotiated every other weekend with him.

Tis a tricky one either way. I've actually enjoyed this thread - shows how people looking at the same thing can have a completely different view of things.