Shared Living/Guests

irishguy1983

Ann Landers wrote: »

Every weekend, all weekend would be annoying indeed. But two nights a week isn't unreasonable. I think you need to ask your flatmate to spread out the days a bit.



I've deleted that post but will respond. Yeah it dawn on us did, but we were in the first flush. It was a mistake, but live and learn, I guess!

But two nights a week spread out isn't at all unreasonable. I was living in a different city so the weekends were all we had so we negotiated every other weekend with him.

1 other question - when you were going into apartment knowing other person didn't want you there did you ever feel a bit uneasy shall we say? Or were yee all more like friends really but he just wanted a bit of space?

Ann Landers

OP, just a q. Do you have an OH? If yes, when do ye see each other? If no, would you want them to stay sometimes?

Ann Landers

irishguy1983 wrote: »

1 other question - when you were going into apartment knowing other person didn't want you there did you ever feel a bit uneasy shall we say? Or were yee all more like friends really but he just wanted a bit of space?

The second - he's a friend. But he just felt he couldn't let it all hang out at the weekend.

Ann Landers

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

You can't demand your housemate not have her boyfriend over at the weekend. If she wants to have him over every weekend then there is nothing you can do about it. It would have been kind of her to concede the odd weekend, but she is under no obligation to do so.

I'd disagree - all weekend every weekend isn't OK.

irishguy1983

Ann Landers wrote: »

The second - he's a friend. But he just felt he couldn't let it all hang out at the weekend.

Different ball game there now! Again this why tis not black and white situation - if my roomie and I were buddies there would be no problem - I know that being honest. If a mate of mine started going out with girl and had her over then the whole mood/situation would be different - I imagine we would all be friends. Atmosphere would be good. I wouldn'd mind hanging out with the two of them. I wouldn't feel uncomfortable when I come into a room and they are there. I imagine we could all watch TV without any tension.

However I am in a very different situation - very different.

Ann Landers

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Again I'll agree with that - if she played it a bit cuter shall we say I'd be happier.

It's not really being cute, it's perfectly acceptable, IMO.

Tiddlypeeps

Ann Landers wrote: »

I'd disagree - all weekend every weekend isn't OK.

We don't know the terms of the OP's lease, but I think since he hasn't stated otherwise, it's fair to assume they are fairly typical. Can you point out what terms of a standard lease or tenancy law are being breached by allowing a guest to stay in your room 2 nights a week?

I've already stated it's not ok from a social etiquette perspective. It's quite rude.

Ann Landers

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

We don't know the terms of the OP's lease, but I think since he hasn't stated otherwise, it's fair to assume they are fairly typical. Can you point out what terms of a standard lease or tenancy law are being breached by allowing a guest to stay in your room 2 nights a week?

I've already stated it's not ok from a social etiquette perspective. It's quite rude.

I'm talking from a social etiquette perspective, obviously.

Mrs OBumble

Personally, I'd have no problem with a BF or GF every weekend, even all-weekend-every-weekend.

But no one should be sleeping on the couch or other shared space without prior agreement of all house mates, and it's the sort of thing I'd only agree to about once a month (too disruptive otherwise).

And if it was a short-term FB rather than a stable [B/G]F, then I'd not be wanting it to happen too often .. though that said, I have lived with a woman who went out and got what she wanted rather frequently, and often brought it home.

Also, objecting to someone wearing a tracksuit in th living area is just daft, unless you can actually see their builder's crack.

Agent Smith

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I'll put a bit more context on it.

In the last 30 days there has been a 3rd person in the apartment 8 nights out of those 30. Sometimes (rarely though) i walk into my living room and people are on couch.

Like Sitting on it?


How dare they!

irishguy1983

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Personally, I'd have no problem with a BF or GF every weekend, even all-weekend-every-weekend.

But no one should be sleeping on the couch or other shared space without prior agreement of all house mates, and it's the sort of thing I'd only agree to about once a month (too disruptive otherwise).

And if it was a short-term FB rather than a stable [B/G]F, then I'd not be wanting it to happen too often .. though that said, I have lived with a woman who went out and got what she wanted rather frequently, and often brought it home.

Also, objecting to someone wearing a tracksuit in th living area is just daft, unless you can actually see their builder's crack.

I did get to see this and he also like walk around the place in his jocks.

irishguy1983

Agent Smith wrote: »

Like Sitting on it?


How dare they!

I meant I walk in to sitting room in the morning and there are randomers sleeping on couch. I then have to take my breakfast back to my bedroom beacsue some random prick is sleeping on my couch.

irishguy1983

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Personally, I'd have no problem with a BF or GF every weekend, even all-weekend-every-weekend.

But no one should be sleeping on the couch or other shared space without prior agreement of all house mates, and it's the sort of thing I'd only agree to about once a month (too disruptive otherwise).

And if it was a short-term FB rather than a stable [B/G]F, then I'd not be wanting it to happen too often .. though that said, I have lived with a woman who went out and got what she wanted rather frequently, and often brought it home.

Also, objecting to someone wearing a tracksuit in th living area is just daft, unless you can actually see their builder's crack.

I am the opposite there - I'd rather it was 1 night stands! You know they ain't going to be around during the day and won't try take over the TV at night!

irishguy1983

Ann Landers wrote: »

It's not really being cute, it's perfectly acceptable, IMO.

You know what I mean

Ann Landers

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I am the opposite there - I'd rather it was 1 night stands! You know they ain't going to be around during the day and won't try take over the TV at night!

If you had an OH would you not have them over, or if you did, confine them to the bedroom?

Marcusm

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I meant I walk in to sitting room in the morning and there are randomers sleeping on couch. I then have to take my breakfast back to my bedroom beacsue some random prick is sleeping on my couch.

Mug; if you and she have agreed that she won't have people crashing over on the couch then after you remind her again, you simply wake them up and ask them to leave. Being in her room doesn't disturb you and being considerate in shared areas is to be expected. You're either both of different dispositions or at different stages in your lives.

You are both incompatible and should not be sharing. Until you can resolve that, come to an accommodation as regards the boyfriend and agree that there will be no randomers sleeping on the couch.

If the boyfriend continues taking the piss as regards sprawling then simply explain to him that it's not his place and the alternative to him being courteous and considerate is that he not come around at all.

No one has entitlements to guests beyond that which is acceptable to their co-tenants.

irishguy1983

Ann Landers wrote: »

If you had an OH would you not have them over, or if you did, confine them to the bedroom?

I would have them over 1 night maximum.

I would make sure we stayed out of the other person's way big time.

I am being completely honest here.

Grandpa Hassan

Sometimes you just end up in a bad houseshare, OP. That is just a fact of houseshares. You have no formal entitlement here.....is just a case of social etiquette. You have different standards to her, and a higher level of emotional intelligence.

LL will not be interested if it is only a couple of nights a week, irrespective of whether the guest is on the sofa and sitting around in his jocks all day. Only if the guest starts living there would the LL be interested.

If your flatmate won't be courteous (and she has no obligation beyond social etiquette to not be a pr1ck) then you have to put up with it or move out. Unfortunately that is the end it.

Who was there first? If you moved in to a flat with a 20 something year old already there, I would just suggest that you made an error of judgement and you should move out. You really have no leg to stand on. If she moved in when you were already there, you probably have a stronger base from which to challenge her behaviour.

irishguy1983

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

Sometimes you just end up in a bad houseshare, OP. That is just a fact of houseshares. You have no formal entitlement here.....is just a case of social etiquette. You have different standards to her, and a higher level of emotional intelligence.

LL will not be interested if it is only a couple of nights a week, irrespective of whether the guest is on the sofa and sitting around in his jocks all day. Only if the guest starts living there would the LL be interested.

If your flatmate won't be courteous (and she has no obligation beyond social etiquette to not be a pr1ck) then you have to put up with it or move out. Unfortunately that is the end it.

Who was there first? If you moved in to a flat with a 20 something year old, I would just suggest that you made an error of judgement and you should move out. You really have no leg to stand on. If she moved in when you were already there, you probably have a stronger base from which to challenge her behaviour.

Exactly - she is 24 and has no life experience/emotionally retarted. I actually hate having conversations because she is genuinely a nice kid. He is geneuinly a nice guy. 2 complete culchies that live very differently to me and niether would have much self-awareness of how they behave.

I moved her in.

Ultimately I'd say I'll have to end up being a prick.

Only 2 weeks ago I had to ask her to clean out all her hairs/fake tan out of bath tub as twas disgusting to shower and shower drain was blocked. I really, really don't want to have to ask someone that - as i said i feel like her Dad disciplining her.

Plek Trum

I would man up about it rather than playing games - say straight up to the two of them together that you pay half the rent for the place and if her boyfriend is staying every single weekend then he will have to start chipping in towards stuff and that really, this was NEVER part of your agreement.

Suggest they keep the cosying and long nights in front of the tv to one night in the weekend as you too are entitled to kick back and relax after your weeks work. Also mention that its common courtesy to put on some clothes when visiting someone elses home and that wearing boxers around the house isn't acceptable.

Say it to them both, let them know this isn't the first time you've said it and suggest maybe that SHE might prefer a different place with people her own age who are cool with the way she wants to live. There's no entitlement but in the interests of fair play she really should take your request into consideration.

Get up on your Saturday and Sunday, pull back the curtains, open the windows and turn on the radio / tv and read your newspapers. If you make yourself known and follow through with your actions they will hopefully tow the line or at the least make themselves a little scarcer at weekends. If anyone crashes over on the couch etc wake them up, tell them its time to go home and to leave your house. That's crap you don't need.

baldbear

I'd tell who ever was on the couch to get get up off there hole and feck off. The age difference is a real bummer here.

€650 is quite alot to be paying for that hassle. You definatly wouldn't move?

Grandpa Hassan

I agree with all that. if someone is sleeping on the couch and you have not agreed to it, you go in, throw open the curtains, switch on the TV and have your breakfast as if they were not there. If they are watching TV in the evening, you ask for the remote so that you can watch what you want to watch. If they are lying on the couch, you ask them to move over (unless they are in their jocks and you don't want to get too close, in which case you ask them to put their clothes on!)

You have to follow through. Or this whole thread will amount to nothing more than you having a moan

irishguy1983

Plek Trum wrote: »

I would man up about it rather than playing games - say straight up to the two of them together that you pay half the rent for the place and if her boyfriend is staying every single weekend then he will have to start chipping in towards stuff and that really, this was NEVER part of your agreement.

Suggest they keep the cosying and long nights in front of the tv to one night in the weekend as you too are entitled to kick back and relax after your weeks work. Also mention that its common courtesy to put on some clothes when visiting someone elses home and that wearing boxers around the house isn't acceptable.

Say it to them both, let them know this isn't the first time you've said it and suggest maybe that SHE might prefer a different place with people her own age who are cool with the way she wants to live. There's no entitlement but in the interests of fair play she really should take your request into consideration.

Get up on your Saturday and Sunday, pull back the curtains, open the windows and turn on the radio / tv and read your newspapers. If you make yourself known and follow through with your actions they will hopefully tow the line or at the least make themselves a little scarcer at weekends. If anyone crashes over on the couch etc wake them up, tell them its time to go home and to leave your house. That's crap you don't need.

I agree - i really don't to start playing games (they are exhusting for all parties) but I've already tried to have conversation a number of times but it is simply being ignored.

I am surpised your man is bouncing over tonight - if I knew I was not welcome in a place there is no chance I would stay (whether I thought I was right or wrong).

I have mentioned about wearing clother completely - you have to understand I feel very awkward saying this and it shocks me that I would even need to say this. As i say i think we grew a bit different - I didn't grow up in English royalty but I have basic manners.

If I am staying in anothers person's house (particularly someone I don't know ) i would be well aware I am a guest and would make myself not known so to speak.

irishguy1983

baldbear wrote: »

I'd tell who ever was on the couch to get get up off there hole and feck off. The age difference is a real bummer here.

€650 is quite alot to be paying for that hassle. You definatly wouldn't move?

If it was easy to move I would, but the rental market in Dublin is mad at the moment. Trying to get a place is ridiculous - particulalrly where I live.

irishguy1983

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

I agree with all that. if someone is sleeping on the couch and you have not agreed to it, you go in, throw open the curtains, switch on the TV and have your breakfast as if they were not there. If they are watching TV in the evening, you ask for the remote so that you can watch what you want to watch. If they are lying on the couch, you ask them to move over (unless they are in their jocks and you don't want to get too close, in which case you ask them to put their clothes on!)

You have to follow through. Or this whole thread will amount to nothing more than you having a moan

Well to be fair I kind of wanted peoples opinions/hear what neutrals thought.

I think people have different views/standards but I have learned everyone says i cant simple stop people staying/coming over.

Nino Brown

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I think people have different views/standards

You've hit the nail on the head there, that's the downside of house shares. I'm anal about cleanliness, and my head was wrecked in a house share with people not cleaning up after themselves.
But I work shift, and stayed up all night a lot, and came and left at odd hours which I know wrecked other peoples head.
I'm sure you do things that annoy your housemate too.

If they're doing something that they're perfectly entitled to to do, and you have a problem with it, the problem is really yours. You can look for a new place and hope your new housemate doesn't have people over. Or you can live alone.

Plek Trum

You have a simple course of action

1) Accept that their idea of whats acceptable is completely different to yours. There is NO point comparing yourself to them (I have manners, I as bought up differently, they are culchies etc or whatever) They are not you. Not worse, not better, just different.

2) Sit them both down and explain very clearly what you would like to change and why it needs to change.

3) If your housemate cannot agree to this then maybe she would be better off in a younger / more relaxed house.

For what it worth, I sympathise with you, it would do my head in but you have to accept some responsibility here in that you accepted her to move in as a housemate. A 24year old girl. Bound to be a clash at some stage.

irishguy1983

Nino Brown wrote: »

You've hit the nail on the head there, that's the downside of house shares. I'm anal about cleanliness, and my head was wrecked in a house share with people not cleaning up after themselves.
But I work shift, and stayed up all night a lot, and came and left at odd hours which I know wrecked other peoples head.
I'm sure you do things that annoy your housemate too.

If they're doing something that they're perfectly entitled to to do, and you have a problem with it, the problem is really yours. You can look for a new place and hope your new housemate doesn't have people over. Or you can live alone.

That is where the debate is - nothing is black and white in this situation I think.

Of course I do things that wreck her head but I would certainly consider myself more mindful of her needs/wants so to speak.

Teyla Emmagan

irishguy1983 wrote: »

The chats are ridiculous and I feel awful having them - it basically feels like I am a 50 year old Dad giving out to teenage girl who i know is thinking 'Would he ever piss off and relax'.

Ahhhhhhhhh

Consider it good practice if nothing else!

irishguy1983

Plek Trum wrote: »

You have a simple course of action

1) Accept that their idea of whats acceptable is completely different to yours. There is NO point comparing yourself to them (I have manners, I as bought up differently, they are culchies etc or whatever) They are not you. Not worse, not better, just different.

2) Sit them both down and explain very clearly what you would like to change and why it needs to change.

3) If your housemate cannot agree to this then maybe she would be better off in a younger / more relaxed house.

For what it worth, I sympathise with you, it would do my head in but you have to accept some responsibility here in that you accepted her to move in as a housemate. A 24year old girl. Bound to be a clash at some stage.

Agreed.