Shared Living/Guests

Graces7

irishguy1983 wrote: »

He lives in different county and to be fair she doens't want to be travelling to him all the time.

I just wonder what is going through his brain tonight as he enters apartment knowing that a person living there doesn't want him there. That would rattle me but maybe it doesn't cost him a thought.

you are being too accommodating to everyone else. hint of doormat syndrome maybe and of course they are taking advantage..

Graces7

Grandpa Hassan wrote: »

I agree with all that. if someone is sleeping on the couch and you have not agreed to it, you go in, throw open the curtains, switch on the TV and have your breakfast as if they were not there. If they are watching TV in the evening, you ask for the remote so that you can watch what you want to watch. If they are lying on the couch, you ask them to move over (unless they are in their jocks and you don't want to get too close, in which case you ask them to put their clothes on!)

You have to follow through. Or this whole thread will amount to nothing more than you having a moan

my thoughts exactly. seems to be a very irish thing, called giving out. nothing gets done.

Tiddlypeeps

Graces7 wrote: »

you are being too accommodating to everyone else. hint of doormat syndrome maybe and of course they are taking advantage..

That's unnecessarily mean. What do you actually suggest he do that he hasn't already tried?

irishguy1983

Graces7 wrote: »

you are being too accommodating to everyone else. hint of doormat syndrome maybe and of course they are taking advantage..

My mother says the same about me all the time

I should have nipped this in the bud the first weekend we lived together - woke up too two randomers she brought home from Coppers - I kind of thought it was cute then but not now

Graces7

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Well to be fair I kind of wanted peoples opinions/hear what neutrals thought.

I think people have different views/standards but I have learned everyone says i cant simple stop people staying/coming over.

you have no mind of your own? your life, your decisions

irishguy1983

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

That's unnecessarily mean. What do you actually suggest he do that he hasn't already tried?

Not mean at all - a number of people that know me well and situation would agree completely.

Unfortunately I kind from one from extreme to another eg being too nice too being an over the top prick. Would be nice if i found a bit more balance.

irishguy1983

Graces7 wrote: »

you have no mind of your own? your life, your decisions

I certainly have my own mind but I like to hear what other people think - maybe I am not seeing all the angles. I just want to see other peoples persepectives.

The bottom line is he is balls enough to stroll into gaff tonight knowing he is not wanted and I am the one that feels uncomfrotable.

Nino Brown

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I certainly have my own mind but I like to hear what other people think - maybe I am not seeing all the angles. I just want to see other peoples persepectives.

The bottom line is he is balls enough to stroll into gaff tonight knowing he is not wanted and I am the one that feels uncomfrotable.

It doesn't really take balls. To be honest I'd do the same, if my girlfriend was paying rent to live in a house, and invited me to be there, I'd consider myself to have every right to be there. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest what her housemates thought.

irishguy1983

Nino Brown wrote: »

It doesn't really take balls. To be honest I'd do the same, if my girlfriend was paying rent to live in a house, and invited me to be there, I'd consider myself to have every right to be there. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest what her housemates thought.

Really? It wouldn't cost you a thought to turn up to a gaff where you you no you are wanted and unwelcome?

Fair enough if that is your honest answer.

Personally I wouldn't - I'd just feel uncomfortable/unwelcome and would read passing that person as tis kinda their place so to speak.

Nino Brown

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Really? It wouldn't cost you a thought to turn up to a gaff where you you no you are wanted and unwelcome?

Fair enough if that is your honest answer.

Personally I wouldn't - I'd just feel uncomfortable/unwelcome and would read passing that person as tis kinda their place so to speak.

If my girlfriend wanted me there, I wouldn't be unwanted would I? I honestly wouldn't feel at all uncomfortable if a room mate had a problem with it. It's a shared accommodation, both occupants are within their rights to have visitors.
You might think 2 nights a week is unreasonable for a guest, but I wouldn't. Although 2 is about as much as I'd be willing accept without them paying rent. The point is, you can't expect other people to accept your standard for whats acceptable or not. It also shouldn't come down to the legalities of whats is a lease agreement or tenancy laws. But I think most people would accept that 2 nights a week is not excessive, in which case the problem would be your standards being too high, and not hers being too low.
However you would be perfectly within you rights in my opinion to request that any guests stay in the bedroom, not the living room. But again I wouldn't be shy about turning on the TV and going about business as usual if there was people there, you have to exercise your rights as much as she exercises hers.

Class Act

Nino Brown wrote: »

If my girlfriend wanted me there, I wouldn't be unwanted would I? I honestly wouldn't feel at all uncomfortable if a room mate had a problem with it. It's a shared accommodation, both occupants are within their rights to have visitors.
You might think 2 nights a week is unreasonable for a guest, but I wouldn't. Although 2 is about as much as I'd be willing accept without them paying rent. The point is, you can't expect other people to accept your standard for whats acceptable or not. It also shouldn't come down to the legalities of whats is a lease agreement or tenancy laws. But I think most people would accept that 2 nights a week is not excessive, in which case the problem would be your standards being too high, and not hers being too low.
However you would be perfectly within you rights in my opinion to request that any guests stay in the bedroom, not the living room. But again I wouldn't be shy about turning on the TV and going about business as usual if there was people there, you have to exercise your rights as much as she exercises hers.

By the same logic, if the bills were in another housemates name, I wouldn't have to pay my share of the bills because I could decide I don't agree with 50/50 split and it is not written down anywhere? How far can this be pushed?

Graces7

t

Tiddlypeeps wrote: »

That's unnecessarily mean. What do you actually suggest he do that he hasn't already tried?

not mean; see his post below.
if you are too nice and obliging folk will walk over you as nice obliging folk are rare.
needs to say no and mean it but nice guys hate confrontation.

needs for the girl to go stay with boyfriend sometimes but maybe someone he shares with said no and meant it.

saying is not enough. been there done that many times in a loooooooong life until i realised the truth and changed.

Graces7

O

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Not mean at all - a number of people that know me well and situation would agree completely.

Unfortunately I kind from one from extreme to another eg being too nice too being an over the top prick. Would be nice if i found a bit more balance.

balance is indeed hard and, from my own experience, the first few times you assert yourself you will think you have been too hard.

it does get easier believe me. now i stand up quietly bur firmly and it works fine.

You and your needs matter. worth the fight

small example.this rental was offered with a large shed. after i moved in the ll started asking to share iyt. need it for car and also of course privacy so said no. he accepted that and comes in now to cut wood etc. a few years ago i would have caved in. now we both know where we stand

dubbie82

Well up to the point where you called them emotionally retarded and compared their culchieness to your urban sophistication I was on your side but after that comment I doubt you are so mature after all.

It's a house share, you loose you win it's life. It won't get better playing silly games and moan on boards about it.

As the posters before already pointed out, call her and probably the boyfriend for a meeting and discuss the matter. Make a list what bothers you and explain why that is and hopefully find a compromise, you can't expect her to stop having her boyfriend over and she can't expect to have people over whenever she wants.

Teyla Emmagan

dubbie82 wrote: »

Well up to the point where you called them emotionally retarded and compared their culchieness to your urban sophistication I was on your side but after that comment I doubt you are so mature after all.

He goes home every 2nd weekend. He is therefore also a culchie (like myself).

irishguy1983

Depends on your definition of a culchie but I think there is no need to debate that here

irishguy1983

dubbie82 wrote: »

Well up to the point where you called them emotionally retarded and compared their culchieness to your urban sophistication I was on your side but after that comment I doubt you are so mature after all.

It's a house share, you loose you win it's life. It won't get better playing silly games and moan on boards about it.

As the posters before already pointed out, call her and probably the boyfriend for a meeting and discuss the matter. Make a list what bothers you and explain why that is and hopefully find a compromise, you can't expect her to stop having her boyfriend over and she can't expect to have people over whenever she wants.

Emotionally retarded was probably not the best way to describe their level of emotional intelligence

Not moaning - as I've pointed I really just wanted peoples perspectives/opinions/get some neutral views - I have that now!

Class Act

Hi Irishguy, just wondering have you been able to find a resolution to this since you last posted? The reason i ask is i have had to put up with similar from 2 housemates, boyfriends over a lot, more access to living area than i have. Then attitude and pettyness from housemates when i raised it with them.

irishguy1983

Class Act wrote: »

Hi Irishguy, just wondering have you been able to find a resolution to this since you last posted? The reason i ask is i have had to put up with similar from 2 housemates, boyfriends over a lot, more access to living area than i have. Then attitude and pettyness from housemates when i raised it with them.

I haven't really to be honest - however I certainly would read over this thread - I don't agree with everything but gave me new persepective.

I am not sure how my situation will play out as not really being around each other much recently.

Your situation sounds a little worse dare i say it? Kind of sounds like your competing with 4 people?

Class Act

irishguy1983 wrote: »

I haven't really to be honest - however I certainly would read over this thread - I don't agree with everything but gave me new persepective.

I am not sure how my situation will play out as not really being around each other much recently.

Your situation sounds a little worse dare i say it? Kind of sounds like your competing with 4 people?

Ya then to top it all off last week 1 of them sent an email last week about dirty saucepans. First time in 2 years she decides to bring it up right after I tell her that boyfriend over every night is not on. Irony is I end up cleaning up after them. In her email she said i should have consideration. Yet i am never told when boyfriends are coming over, first i know is when i arrive home after work

Michael D Not Higgins

Class Act wrote: »

Ya then to top it all off last week 1 of them sent an email last week about dirty saucepans. First time in 2 years she decides to bring it up right after I tell her that boyfriend over every night is not on. Irony is I end up cleaning up after them. In her email she said i should have consideration. Yet i am never told when boyfriends are coming over, first i know is when i arrive home after work

You obviously haven't established ground rules. You have been seething about the boyfriends while they have been seething about dirty dishes.

It makes sense to clean up after yourself, so this usually doesn't have to be stipulated. When guests are involved it will depend on the person, but most times you will need an agreement on the whos, hows and whens to keep everyone happy.

irishguy1983

Class Act wrote: »

Ya then to top it all off last week 1 of them sent an email last week about dirty saucepans. First time in 2 years she decides to bring it up right after I tell her that boyfriend over every night is not on. Irony is I end up cleaning up after them. In her email she said i should have consideration. Yet i am never told when boyfriends are coming over, first i know is when i arrive home after work

Sent an email?! Sounds as though the situation might be irretrivable there - sounds as though the battle lines have been drawn now that people are sending emails about saucepans.

This might hurt but is now a case of 4 people just want you out? As in you now are the party pooper so to speak? I am not suggesting you are wrong at all but I think the dynamics of your situation are very different particulaarly when 2 of the people livign there are essentially very happy to have significant others over all the time.

The Spider

Just read this thread, ah house shares I don't miss 'em, this always happens no matter what. Both people or more, all look on it as cheap rent, but everyone wants the house to themselves, sooner or later a stand off ensues and people stop talking to each other.

I've been the guy who used to not have the place to themselves at the weekend, I've also been the guy who brought his missus over every weekend, and every time I wanted it my way. Guaranteed the couple are having conversations about what a pain in the ass you are and it'd be better if you moved out, I know I was that soldier, every time you show up at the weekend they'll be really annoyed and ask themselves why you haven't gone home.

You'll decide to freeze them out and not talk to them, I know I've been that guy too, and it's very annoying to come home and find people sprawled on the couch. You end up spending a lot of time in your room.

At 31, I hate to say it, but unless you have a girlfriend/boyfriend that you can move in with, you're gone past the age that you can share comfortably with people, at least I was. You'll want more and more of your own space, this affects guys way more than girls for some reason all my friends were the same, it just gets harder and harder to do it past a certain age, and to be honest you don't want to be putting up with other peoples ****e.

I found my own place it was more rent but it was worth it. I came to realise that I was spending a lot of money avoiding going home when I knew people would be in the house, I'd end up either in the pub on my todd or meeting mates and going to the pub, I was soon going through a lot of money just avoiding going home. There was also the fact that you'd have to buy food outside too, as cooking was a nightmare with people sitting on the couch.

I actually ended up having more money each month when I lived on my own than when I shared with people. Like I say been on both sides of the fence (all in the past now thank god), and it never ends well.


Oh yeah as for the mess thing, do yourselves a favour and get a cleaner once a week it's only twenty quid and saves a lot of grief.

irishguy1983

The Spider wrote: »

Just read this thread, ah house shares I don't miss 'em, this always happens no matter what. Both people or more, all look on it as cheap rent, but everyone wants the house to themselves, sooner or later a stand off ensues and people stop talking to each other.

I've been the guy who used to not have the place to themselves at the weekend, I've also been the guy who brought his missus over every weekend, and every time I wanted it my way. Guaranteed the couple are having conversations about what a pain in the ass you are and it'd be better if you moved out, I know I was that soldier, every time you show up at the weekend they'll be really annoyed and ask themselves why you haven't gone home.

You'll decide to freeze them out and not talk to them, I know I've been that guy too, and it's very annoying to come home and find people sprawled on the couch. You end up spending a lot of time in your room.

At 31, I hate to say it, but unless you have a girlfriend/boyfriend that you can move in with, you're gone past the age that you can share comfortably with people, at least I was. You'll want more and more of your own space, this affects guys way more than girls for some reason all my friends were the same, it just gets harder and harder to do it past a certain age, and to be honest you don't want to be putting up with other peoples ****e.

I found my own place it was more rent but it was worth it. I came to realise that I was spending a lot of money avoiding going home when I knew people would be in the house, I'd end up either in the pub on my todd or meeting mates and going to the pub, I was soon going through a lot of money just avoiding going home. There was also the fact that you'd have to buy food outside too, as cooking was a nightmare with people sitting on the couch.

I actually ended up having more money each month when I lived on my own than when I shared with people. Like I say been on both sides of the fence (all in the past now thank god), and it never ends well.


Oh yeah as for the mess thing, do yourselves a favour and get a cleaner once a week it's only twenty quid and saves a lot of grief.

I'd agree with all that and have to say that is the best post so far.

What ever about the rights and wrongs all friends have said to me 31 is simply too old to be sharing with a stranger.

I genuinely would rather live with my parents that sharing. Unfortunately getting a place by own is not an option in Dublin really.

I've decided against the childish option of freezing people out for the time being anyway and will be focusing thoughts/efforts on making things better/easing tension. We will see how long that lasts

Class Act

The Spider wrote: »

Just read this thread, ah house shares I don't miss 'em, this always happens no matter what. Both people or more, all look on it as cheap rent, but everyone wants the house to themselves, sooner or later a stand off ensues and people stop talking to each other.

I've been the guy who used to not have the place to themselves at the weekend, I've also been the guy who brought his missus over every weekend, and every time I wanted it my way. Guaranteed the couple are having conversations about what a pain in the ass you are and it'd be better if you moved out, I know I was that soldier, every time you show up at the weekend they'll be really annoyed and ask themselves why you haven't gone home.

You'll decide to freeze them out and not talk to them, I know I've been that guy too, and it's very annoying to come home and find people sprawled on the couch. You end up spending a lot of time in your room.

At 31, I hate to say it, but unless you have a girlfriend/boyfriend that you can move in with, you're gone past the age that you can share comfortably with people, at least I was. You'll want more and more of your own space, this affects guys way more than girls for some reason all my friends were the same, it just gets harder and harder to do it past a certain age, and to be honest you don't want to be putting up with other peoples ****e.

I found my own place it was more rent but it was worth it. I came to realise that I was spending a lot of money avoiding going home when I knew people would be in the house, I'd end up either in the pub on my todd or meeting mates and going to the pub, I was soon going through a lot of money just avoiding going home. There was also the fact that you'd have to buy food outside too, as cooking was a nightmare with people sitting on the couch.

I actually ended up having more money each month when I lived on my own than when I shared with people. Like I say been on both sides of the fence (all in the past now thank god), and it never ends well.


Oh yeah as for the mess thing, do yourselves a favour and get a cleaner once a week it's only twenty quid and saves a lot of grief.

Thanks, the thing about the dirty saucepans is there was no dirty saucepans. Also the bills are in my name and i have to chase them for the money each month. Left waiting 2 weeks last time. All this other hassle started after i said their boyfriends were here too much. Pretty clear they want me out

irishguy1983

Class Act wrote: »

Thanks, the thing about the dirty saucepans is there was no dirty saucepans. Also the bills are in my name and i have to chase them for the money each month. Left waiting 2 weeks last time. All this other hassle started after i said their boyfriends were here too much. Pretty clear they want me out

Just doesn't matter without wanting to sound too harsh.

As you said yourself they just want you out and I think for your own mental health it would be better if you just upped and left.

Ann Landers

Class Act wrote: »

Ya then to top it all off last week 1 of them sent an email last week about dirty saucepans. First time in 2 years she decides to bring it up right after I tell her that boyfriend over every night is not on. Irony is I end up cleaning up after them. In her email she said i should have consideration. Yet i am never told when boyfriends are coming over, first i know is when i arrive home after work

This is classic childish deflection. Don't get sucked in, just be mature and stand your ground. Your situation is definitely unacceptable.

irishguy1983

Class Act wrote: »

Ya then to top it all off last week 1 of them sent an email last week about dirty saucepans. First time in 2 years she decides to bring it up right after I tell her that boyfriend over every night is not on. Irony is I end up cleaning up after them. In her email she said i should have consideration. Yet i am never told when boyfriends are coming over, first i know is when i arrive home after work

I find people doing that strange. I had to actually ask my roomie to let me know when she was having guests over. Basic manners to me but not too some apparently!

Class Act

Ann Landers wrote: »

This is classic childish deflection. Don't get sucked in, just be mature and stand your ground. Your situation is definitely unacceptable.

Thanks for the advice. I think though when it is 2 against 1 (and 4 against 1 when you count the boyfriends), then it is me out as that's what they want. It would be one thing if it was an unbearable work situation that would end at 5pm. But living in a house with childish games going on every evening and weekend is wearing when all anyone wants to do is chill out, eat, relax, watch tv etc. Think i will have to move and put it down to experience. Will be more mindful to the importance of compatibility with housemates.

Graces7

Class Act wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. I think though when it is 2 against 1 (and 4 against 1 when you count the boyfriends), then it is me out as that's what they want. It would be one thing if it was an unbearable work situation that would end at 5pm. But living in a house with childish games going on every evening and weekend is wearing when all anyone wants to do is chill out, eat, relax, watch tv etc. Think i will have to move and put it down to experience. Will be more mindful to the importance of compatibility with housemates.

wise, wise decision and good luck.