Am I right to feel like this?

adopted1966

Hello Everyone,

I have often read other peoples posts here and I know there are many of you out there trying to reunite with parents and parents trying to find their children. I am one of the lucky ones. I started my trace for my birthmother through the adoption agency when I was 18 and met her when I was 20. We kept up the contact over the years by letter and I met her twice during a 25 year period. I asked her to meet me two years ago and she agreed and things just took off from there. We have a great relationship. She is a lovely woman kind and caring and decent but the one problem is that she refuses to tell her family about me.

I know you might read this and think I should be glad of my lot but I find the secrecy very hard. We are in daily contact by text and she calls me when she can and we meet up as often as possible but what bothers me is that none of us are getting younger and I want to enjoy her now that we get along so well (She's 67 I'm 47).

She is married and has 3 adult children and a husband that she never told about me. I'm just wondering is there anyone out there that has gone through this and would they have any suggestions on how to deal with it?

I think it's probably more fear of what people would think of her that stops her telling people about me and I understand that but I still find it very upsetting to be sneaking around meeting her at 47 and it makes me feel as if she is ashamed of me.

I try hard not to let it get in the way of a great relationship and I don't really feel the need to meet her children or her husband, just to be able to do normal things with her like sit somewhere in public and have a cup of coffee with her and to enjoy our time together as she approaches her seventies.

I hope this post wasn't too long winded. Any suggestions would be very gratefully received. I have gone through a lot of stuff already finding it hard to accept that she loves me but we have worked out a lot and she has endless patience with me and is unbelievably forgiving.

Thanks for reading

Adopted 1966

Sadderday

when the time is right,

she may be fearful of how they will react after all this time, offer her support the next time the subject arises.

you might find that she is ashamed of herself for deciding not to disclose this important part of her life to the people that she would be closest to like her husband.

I imagine it cripples her with guilt, fear and sadness every day and if she could realisitically envisage a gathering of all of her children together she may like to tell them someday.... maybe the time hasn't been right for her yet.

Enjoy the time you have and someday it will work out the way you have hoped.

adopted1966

Sadderday,

She feels all of the above, the guilt you describe and is very open about it with me.

I do reassure her and tell her I never want her to tell her family about me to make me happy only if it would make her happy.

I know I am very lucky to have such a good relationship with her and I do make the most of the time we have - I would just love to have more of her time.

I know it's very tough on her as well - I do get that as well.

Thanks for the reply

Adopted 1966

Sadderday

tough on you too of course, so fair play to you for being so patient.

I really hope that it works out well for you both and your mother can someday feel more open with the people around her. It would be ideal for her to tell her family and they welcome you in and embrace you.

Maybe your mother is afraid that the shock of it might hurt you if the family need time to come to terms with it.

I'm sure there is also the fear of her husband feeling betrayed after all these years of keeping a big secret.

One day I'm sure she will face her fears.

I really wish you the very best.

adopted1966

Sadderday, I'm not really bothered about her family welcoming me. I have my own siblings (both adopted) and I could well understand her children might find it hard to accept her presenting a 47 year old daughter they never knew about. I think it's more her husband to be honest.

She might never face her fears. I considered getting counselling on how best to deal with my feelings about it. I can go along grand for a while and then it hits me very hard. I want to make up for the 45 years I missed out on but as long as I remain a secret we can't really progress things.

Saying all this - she is very open and honest with me about how everything affects her and she is very aware that she holds the power to change everything. Not telling about me is definitely not a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't want to lose her now she is a huge part of my life, I suppose I need to learn to accept things as they are.

Thanks for your advice.

Adopted 1966

rcdada

I'm so delighted you and your mother have such a good relationship, I'm not so sure about the "double life"/ "secrecy" ...

I think you don't have much choice but to accept her decision not to tell her family but it doesn't seem quite right that your mother gets to lead to normal life with her family when thats not what's actually happening.

She of course is prolonging and it appears trying not to disrupt or upset her family but that's life, she would be so surprised how accepting siblings are to hear they have another brother/sister.

I'm a sibling searching for my brother, and I don't think i'll rest until I find him, I certainly think my life is not complete without him now knowing all the information I have, life is too too short...

Keep your communication open and honest....in saying that you have every right to feel this relationship is not complete especially if you have siblings that are still being kept in the dark.

Best of luck x:)

adopted1966

rcdada,

Your fully right in what your saying - my birthmother is trying not to upset her family and her husband.

I suppose it didn't really bother me all along because we were just like strangers - she used ring me every now and again in between our letters and we would talk but she really didn't have any affect on my life.

I know I'm accepting the relationship on her terms because it's certainly not on mine but I don't want to lose her in the process either. She has made it clear that she doesn't have the courage to tell her family about me so it's up to me to decide whether I want to accept her decision or not.

She knows exactly how I feel about secrecy I have been very straight with her.

I'm not sure if you have any other siblings or did you grow up as an only child - I have two adopted siblings and don't really feel the need to get involved with my birthmothers children even though they are my half sister and brothers. My issue is the time wasted now that my birthmother and I get on so well and that we are heading towards 50 and 70. I don't want to waste any more time.

I have gone through the anger bit loads of times and we have had our ups and downs but we always work through it although sometimes it can be very hard fixing a disagreement over a text. Mind you, we always manage to sort it out.

With regard to your other post about your brother. In my experience I was lied to by the adoption society but thats my experience but that was over 27 years ago when I went on my initial search.

My brother had a completely different experience to me when he went searching last year. He got so much information compared to me (his birth name and surname, his mothers name etc) but it was done through the HSE as the adoption agency had closed down.

Good luck in the search for your brother, I hope you get good news soon.

Adopted 1966

rcdada

There is no question about it but every situation is completely different and in your case you found your mother and have built up a relationship but you haven't been fully accepted it would appear i.e. she has chosen to continue to keep this a closed book from others.

I think keep building up your relationship with your mother, keep the honest etc.. have your family met your mother ? do you invite her to events in your life?

I've just one adopted older brother and honestly I thought I'd found him and maybe I was just jumping the gun because I was imagining writing my letter to him, meeting him etc. - Now I'm told he's not my brother, I have other siblings four others and they know of this information and for some strange reason they have not acted nor done anything about it, I have this information less than a month and I'm sitting here with 4 adoption birth certs one which is my brother.

Anyway, not a lot I can do bar wait for the Date of Adoption Order to come through. My adopted brother is in his 40's and I personally don't want to let any more time pass, I have to find him and at least initiate contact and I will respect his decision but I cannot sit back and do nothing.

I admire you for being so open and honest, stay strong and keep your relationship with your birth mum a priority maybe she will change her mind, unfortunately its out of your control which is of course unfair to you because your entitled to meet your half siblings and also build a relationship with them and vice versa. x

adopted1966

Hello I'm back again.

Things came to a head this weekend between me and my birthmother. She basically told me she won't be saying anything about me because her husband is very difficult to live with. She had a hard week from him over something minor and she told me that if she said anything about me her life would be a living hell.

So after over two years of hoping that things would change and that I would get an opportunity to see more of her it's not going to happen now. She tells me she loves me but she doesn't want to live with the fallout of telling him about me.

At the time when we were texting each other on Sunday I told her I would accept things on her terms but we spoke on the phone this morning and we both got upset over it. At this stage it looks like if I don't accept things as they are I will lose her and I don't want that to happen.

I understand about closed adoption and why so many women chose it back in the 60's to guarantee their anonymity and to give their children a stable home with two parents so maybe I'm expecting too much hoping she would tell about me at this hour of her life.

Maybe I'm being selfish. I don't have to live her life and thankfully not with her husband.

I would welcome any comments.

Thanks for reading

Adopted 1966

adopted1966

Converse86 - I do get to see her - but it's all obviously when it suits her and each time she is lying saying where she is going and to be honest it makes me feel that she is ashamed of me not telling her husband and family about me.

I can completely understand not saying anything at the beginning about me but she has continued through the two years as if nothing had happened - like her life was unchanged by reuniting with me which is clearly not the case based on what she has told me how she feels etc.

I know that it must be a nightmare for her but she is finding it very difficult herself dealing with the guilt and sadness over our situation and she has told me her life would be easier if people knew about me but then the other day she was telling me how awful her life would be if she told her husband about me - I think he is the major problem to be honest.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for having her in my life but it feels like I am a part of it that she is happy to keep shut away for the rest of her days never acknowledging me and I want more

Adopted 1966

rcdada

Hi,
Sorry to hear your situation has not progressed and your bm has not told her family.

You certainly are not being selfish, its only natural you feel you should be introduced to your extended family but unfortunately and I am learning this myself it appears, most situations are just not straight forward. Its so important you don't jeopardise your relationship with your bm again if her husband is the sticking point you must allow time and see what happens but try move forward with your bm and continue to build your relationship with her.

I do understand, its the lies... if only she opened up and told her family and even if they decided they wanted no part at least their would be no more hiding and lies because you've done nothing wrong, you didn't ask for this, all you want is to be accepted. Its a difficult one.

I'm in a similar situation were I know my adopted brother is not going to get the introduction he should, because his bf doesn't want to know. So I can't imagine how you feel whilst feeling your on the outside. I'm sure your bm cherishes you very much and wishes the situation was different, try not let anyone take that away from you.

Stay strong. x

adopted1966

Rcdada,

My reasons for wanting my bm to tell about me is so I can get to see her more.

It would be nice to be introduced to her children and her husband and her family but it's not a deal breaker for me - I just want to have an open relationship with her. If they had a problem with me it wouldn't bother me once it didn't come between my bm and me.

She came to visit and has met my children once. I have asked her to family occasions but she won't come I suppose the fear of being found out might have a part to play in it.

I know it's a huge thing for her admitting she gave me up for adoption and never told anyone. I asked her a while back was she ashamed of me and she got very thick with me it caused quite a serious row and we didn't communicate for days over it.

This issue keeps cropping up between us because it prevents me getting to see her as often as we both would like but she keeps telling me she can't see me and my children as if it is totally out of her control and she can't do anything about it and that drives me mad.

I know my bm wishes the situation was different but she is the only one who can change our situation.

I hope your brothers introduction goes well. I know my birth fathers name and roughly where he lives but haven't done anything about getting in touch with him.

Thanks very much for the words of encouragement

Adopted 1966

rcdada

Yeah I completely understand were your coming from and yes, the only person that can change your situation is your bm. Its a tough one and it appears your bm is easing her own conscience and the relationship has conditions.

My own situation is similar, my adopted (full)brother I feel will be in a similar situation to yourself so it is interesting listening to your views. His bm has not told anyone outside of the family and my parents just won't talk about him, their appears to be an element of shame and secrecy in my case.

I just cannot accept this type of selfish behaviour towards an innocent party. So I have removed myself my the situation.

I personally have realised, we may all have biological links in life i.e. family members/parents but in some cases they don't give us the support and nurture we deserve. Every family is different but some can be destructive and draining emotionally, that its best to walk away and realise that they just hold a title and nothing more. And I'm certainly not saying that is your case.

Bizarre, I'm on a forum reading about adopted children seeking their parents yet I've walked away from my parents (and they too agree to this arrangement). My adopted brother is aware I'm looking for him and his bm but and like yourself, I hope he will be strong enough to understand that everythings not clear cut and sometimes having a biological family link means something to one and not the other.

Sorry I've gone on and on but it interests me your situation because my brother I feel will be faced with a similar one.

Keep us updated. Best of Luck.

adopted1966

rcdada,

I'm sorry but I don't fully understand your situation.

You refer to your adopted brother as your full brother is his bm yours?

I love my bm - that complicates everything and she tells me she loves me more than her husband and her children but still not enough to tell them about me.

The relationship has conditions - her conditions - in my heart of hearts I know if I asked her to choose between me and her family - she wouldn't choose me and that really hurts. We had yet another dispute over a week ago and she basically told me the only way we could move forward was to accept the relationship on her terms.

So we muddle on - it really hurts me that she is too ashamed to tell her husband and family that she has a daughter (that she tells she loves but doesn't love enough to tell HER family about me).

Maybe I'm a fool and I need to cut the ties and have more respect for myself but I love her and I don't want to lose her.

Adopted 1966

rcdada

No your doing the right thing, she loves you and you both have each other its just got conditions and its a case of accepting it or not, it would appear.

My adopted brother is my full brother, we both have the same mother and father, its just he was adopted and then they went on stayed together and had other children.

My mother although she claims she wants to find her son (which we have ) she will and has not told anyone outside of the family and my father just won't talk about it and he has made clear he wants nothing to do with the situation. I just cannot understand why......the secrecy and shame and why they want no-one else to find out.

If my adopted brother decides he wants communication with me and my mother, I feel it will become similar to your situation, my mother will do this on her terms as she's made it clear she wants no-else to know outside of the family and then there's my father (which is his father) and he doesn't want to know. It makes no sense at all.

I certainly don't think your a fool, you have found your mother and are building a relationship, its tough and like my own situation I don't understand why the secrecy.

I haven't even met my adopted brother yet but he mean's so much to me. I hope like you in time everyone will realise life's too short and stop being selfish and putting barriers up and understand, who care's what other's think, we should welcome and cherish the adopted child (if you get were I'm coming from).

Can only let time take its course and see what happens. Take Care.