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Single mother in tricky situation

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  • 19-04-2014 6:52pm
    #1
    Pods1987
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭


    My daughters (4 years old) father has been in her life since she was born but there has always been something with regards access etc. we don't get on and the last few years have proved quite difficult.
    My daughters dad is now living with his partner and has been having regular access with our daughter in this house. The girlfriend however seems to have an issue with me and has point blank refused to meet with me.
    His job involves being on 24/7 call out and if our daughter is in his care when he gets called out its his girlfriend who looks after her. This is where my issue is.
    She has my phone number incase of emergency but refuses to meet with me or have any other contact with me.
    Am I over reacting or is this scenario strange? I'm not comfortable with someone caring for my child if they refuse to have the decency to talk to me.
    Any advice or opinions welcome!!


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    #2
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Its very unfair of her not to meet with you if she will be minding your child while the father is on call, its different if she was just in their company but being responsible for your child- I wouldn't feel comfortable with that having not met her. Have you discussed it with the child's father? Does she have children herself? She may not understand the concerns you have.

    I have my own child and would expect to meet new partners in the future if they were going to be actively involved on a regular basis (even if not minding them alone). My partner has a child and I have met the mother.


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    #3
    Pods1987
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Pods1987


    Yes she has a child herself. Access including overnights has been occurring at their house for nearly 2 years now and we have never met or been introduced.

    I have asked my ex will she meet with me and she refuses to. I also text her explaining how I felt and tryed to break the ice but she said she doesn't want any contact with me. I'm finding it very strange and now feel even more uneasy about letting this person mind my child!!


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    #4
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    I would never let someone take care of my child who I had not met. Never ever. Having said that OP... I'm not in your position so maybe it's easy for me to say this. But even so, I can't see my opinion changing if I was in your position.


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    #5
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Pods1987 wrote: »
    Yes she has a child herself. Access including overnights has been occurring at their house for nearly 2 years now and we have never met or been introduced.

    I have asked my ex will she meet with me and she refuses to. I also text her explaining how I felt and tryed to break the ice but she said she doesn't want any contact with me. I'm finding it very strange and now feel even more uneasy about letting this person mind my child!!

    That seems very unfair. I don't really know what you can do


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    #6
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 ✭✭✭✭January


    I would definitely not be up to letting anyone who I have not met mind my child, regardless of whether your partner has been with her for a few years or not.

    It's tricky though you can't stop access if you have a court order but if you don't you could apply for court ordered maintenance and explain to the judge you are uncomfortable having her mind the child without having met her.


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    #7
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Sligo1 wrote: »
    I would never let someone take care of my child who I had not met. Never ever. Having said that OP... I'm not in your position so maybe it's easy for me to say this. But even so, I can't see my decision changing if I was in your position.

    Well its during the dads access so out of OPs control unless access order is changed/sought to state that third parties can't be left responsible for the child.


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    #8
    Pods1987
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Pods1987


    January wrote: »
    I would definitely not be up to letting anyone who I have not met mind my child, regardless of whether your partner has been with her for a few years or not.

    It's tricky though you can't stop access if you have a court order but if you don't you could apply for court ordered maintenance and explain to the judge you are uncomfortable having her mind the child without having met her.

    How do I apply for this? There is a court order for access and I feel bad stopping access but don't feel comfortable with it and my ex is refusing to give his word that my daughter will be left alone with her!! I'm at my wits end because I don't want to stop her seeing her father because of this


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    #9
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    Agree with January. Also, could you try talking to the father? Perhaps explain to him and ask him if he would be comfortable with a man who you were seeing and that he hadn't met minding your daughter and being responsible for her during the day or overnight when you weren't there? I would find it very strange if this didnt concern him... Perhaps try to get him to see things from your perspective....


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    #10
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    When your child is with your ex do you really ever know who they are with though?

    E.g. Your ex could go out for a night...and hire a babysitter.

    Don't you have to trust them that they are not putting your child in danger.
    And equally they have to trust you.

    Like say you start going out with someone, what does that matter to your ex?


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    #11
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    Tasden wrote: »
    Well its during the dads access so out of OPs control unless access order is changed/sought to state that third parties can't be left responsible for the child.

    I understand this... But I would try and do everything in my power to change this through the access order... Sorry I spose that's what I was getting at...


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    #12
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Pods1987 wrote: »
    How do I apply for this? There is a court order for access and I feel bad stopping access but don't feel comfortable with it and my ex is refusing to give his word that my daughter will be left alone with her!! I'm at my wits end because I don't want to stop her seeing her father because of this

    If there is already an access order, ask for it to be altered so that he can't be leaving the child with a third party that you haven't met, is it not in the original access order anywhere?


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    #13
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Sligo1 wrote: »
    I understand this... But I would try and do everything in my power to change this through the access order... Sorry I spose that's what I was getting at...

    Well that's why she's on here asking


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    #14
    Pods1987
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Pods1987


    Tasden wrote: »
    If there is already an access order, ask for it to be altered so that he can't be leaving the child with a third party that you haven't met, is it not in the original access order anywhere?

    No the original access order is very vague. It just states where the access will occur and how many days a week. He didn't have this job when the court order was made so it wasn't an issue at the time. However when he did get the job I suggested that the three if us meet and break the ice and she refused. That was 1 year ago and the other day I text her and she refused again. Should I continue with access even though I know he is going to go against my wishes?


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    #15
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    What do you think is going to happen when your child is with her?

    And how will this be prevented when you meet her?

    E.g.
    You are afraid she will not be safe with this lady?
    You meet lady and she seems fine.

    Your ex is called into work. Lady who seemed nice when you met her, drinks bottle of vodka and passes out.

    How will "meeting her" prevent this?


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    #16
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Pods1987 wrote: »
    No the original access order is very vague. It just states where the access will occur and how many days a week. He didn't have this job when the court order was made so it wasn't an issue at the time. However when he did get the job I suggested that the three if us meet and break the ice and she refused. That was 1 year ago and the other day I text her and she refused again. Should I continue with access even though I know he is going to go against my wishes?

    Yeah if its court ordered then do continue as normal but apply to have it changed based on changes in circumstances/ schedules.

    Very childish considering she's a mother herself, I mean I've been in her position- its hardly a nice situation meeting your partners ex but you get on with it for the child's best interests and peace of mind all round. Did your ex say why exactly she is so against it?


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    #17
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    Tasden wrote: »
    Well that's why she's on here asking

    Well actually you're wrong. Initially OP was asking for opinions on whether people thought this situation was strange. I gave my opinion! Only then did she seek advice regarding changing an access order once other posters informed her it was possible to do this.

    OP I hope you get this sorted as I can only imagine how stressful it must be for you.


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    #18
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    amdublin wrote: »
    What do you think is going to happen when your child is with her?

    And how will this be prevented when you meet her?

    E.g.
    You are afraid she will not be safe with this lady?
    You meet lady and she seems fine.

    Your ex is called into work. Lady who seemed nice when you met her, drinks bottle of vodka and passes out.

    How will "meeting her" prevent this?

    The same can be said about babysitters/creches what have you, its peace of mind in having met the person who is minding your child as oppose to a faceless stranger. Nobody said it would prevent anything. The fact she refuses to do a basic thing out of courtesy to the mother of her partners child raises concerns more than anything tbh.


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    #19
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 ✭✭✭✭January


    OP we cannot give legal advice so with regards to getting the access order changed, your first step would probably be either the Free Legal Advice Centre (flac.ie) or the solicitor you used originally for the first order.


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    #20
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    Tasden wrote: »
    The same can be said about babysitters/creches what have you, its peace of mind in having met the person who is minding your child as oppose to a faceless stranger. Nobody said it would prevent anything. The fact she refuses to do a basic thing out of courtesy to the mother of her partners child raises concerns more than anything tbh.

    Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

    Imo you can't know everyone who is in contact with your child when they are with your ex. You have to trust them. As they have to trust you.


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    #21
    DM addict
    Registered Users Posts: 567 ✭✭✭DM addict


    OP, it is a strange situation.

    I wouldn't immediately go looking for a court order - it comes across as antagonistic, even though she is obviously being antagonistic by refusing to meet.

    I think you need to voice your concerns with your ex, in a non-confrontational way. Do you have a good relationship with him? It can be difficult if not. Try and get him to see things from your point of view, and just explain that you want to be able to put a name to a face and so on. Emphasise that you want him to keep seeing your child, but that you also want to know who the other people in her life are.

    Is there any reason you can think of why she might not want to meet you?


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    #22
    Sligo1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,948 ✭✭✭Sligo1


    amdublin wrote: »
    Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

    Imo you can't know everyone who is in contact with your child when they are with your ex. You have to trust them. As they have to trust you.

    No you can't know of everybody minding your child if the other person avoids informing you. However, you can do your best to meet or talk to the person when you do know they are taking care of your child in your absence.


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    #23
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    amdublin wrote: »
    Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

    Imo you can't know everyone who is in contact with your child when they are with your ex. You have to trust them. As they have to trust you.


    I'd personally prefer not to be sending my child off to a faceless stranger on a regular basis though. Doesn't mean I don't trust my ex or the partner, its that I care about my child and the people in her life. I wouldn't be needing to see every person she comes into contact with but if someone is going to be minding her regularly its only natural that I would want to know who the person is. Not exactly to do with trust issues. Don't see why its being questioned tbh, thought its a reasonable enough request.


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    #24
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    Totally agree with you OP, it wouldn't sit well with me either!!

    Hope you can get it sorted!


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    #25
    Chattastrophe!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,284 ✭✭✭Chattastrophe!


    amdublin wrote: »
    Yeah but your ex could hire a babysitter any night of the week and you'd never know them either.

    In that situation - I wouldn't necessarily need to meet the babysitter, but if I asked to meet them and they downright refused, it would send MAJOR alarm bells ringing for me.

    In the OPs situation, the new girlfriend is a mother herself. It's bizarre, in my opinion, that she's willing to take charge of her ex's child, but still unwilling to meet the child's mother. I would be EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this.


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    #26
    Pods1987
    Registered Users Posts: 17 ✭Pods1987


    I have told my ex about how I feel regarding this but he seems to be going along with his partner on her decision!!
    We never seem to agree on anything. I say black he says white. I feel like I've no say over who cares for my child?! I know we have a court order that I must go along with but I know he will continue to let her look after our daughter.
    I have no idea why she won't meet or speak with me, I know her to see as we live in same area but don't know anything about her or have never been introduced.
    If I was seeing someone and they refused point blank to speak to my ex I would have an issue with it never mind my ex.
    I think I will seek legal advice and will prob have to bite my lip and continue with access in the meantime!
    Thanks everyone for your posts. It has proven that I'm not making an outrageous request and other people feel the same.


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    #27
    cintec
    Registered Users Posts: 705 ✭✭✭cintec


    What kind of meeting have you proposed?

    If it’s a simple 5 min chat when dropping off or collecting the kids then what do you hope to gain from the meeting.

    She has had access for over 2 years now have any incidents taken place that make you feel your child isn’t safe in her care.

    You are the ex she could have several reasons not to meet you and while it’s childish to not get over it she clearly doesn’t want anykind of relationship with you.
    In the case of emergency she has you number if (touch wood) an accident happened then her first priority is to get medical assistance and then she would contact her partner and either one of them could then contact you if she couldn’t get her partner then she should suck it up and contact you directly.

    What is the reason you want to meet this woman if the only thing is in case of emergencies then you need to talk with your ex and agree ona plan of action should something happen(if you don’t already have one) and that his partner will contact you if she can’t agree to that then going to court may be your only option.


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    #28
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 ✭✭✭✭January


    cintec wrote: »
    What kind of meeting have you proposed?

    If it’s a simple 5 min chat when dropping off or collecting the kids then what do you hope to gain from the meeting.

    She has had access for over 2 years now have any incidents taken place that make you feel your child isn’t safe in her care.

    You are the ex she could have several reasons not to meet you and while it’s childish to not get over it she clearly doesn’t want anykind of relationship with you.
    In the case of emergency she has you number if (touch wood) an accident happened then her first priority is to get medical assistance and then she would contact her partner and either one of them could then contact you if she couldn’t get her partner then she should suck it up and contact you directly.

    What is the reason you want to meet this woman if the only thing is in case of emergencies then you need to talk with your ex and agree ona plan of action should something happen(if you don’t already have one) and that his partner will contact you if she can’t agree to that then going to court may be your only option.
    Will you please not post like that again, it's just taken me ages to make it smaller and remove all the formatting. There's no need for it.


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    #29
    Mmm Me
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭Mmm Me


    If you can't contact her to ask her how your child is then definitely seek a variation on the access order. She's being totally unreasonable. How would she feel if the tables were turned and she has kids also. How dare she step on your toes and act mother.


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    #30
    DM addict
    Registered Users Posts: 567 ✭✭✭DM addict


    Maybe try and get some kind of mediation? It would be a chance for everyone to air their feelings and have an impartial mediator to help you reach an agreement that's best for your daughter.

    Your solicitor might be able to put you in touch with someone. I know of a couple of services but they're more for work-based disputes so not suitable for this kind of thing.


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    #31
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    Pods1987 wrote: »
    I have told my ex about how I feel regarding this but he seems to be going along with his partner on her decision!!
    We never seem to agree on anything. I say black he says white. I feel like I've no say over who cares for my child?! I know we have a court order that I must go along with but I know he will continue to let her look after our daughter.
    I have no idea why she won't meet or speak with me, I know her to see as we live in same area but don't know anything about her or have never been introduced.
    If I was seeing someone and they refused point blank to speak to my ex I would have an issue with it never mind my ex.
    I think I will seek legal advice and will prob have to bite my lip and continue with access in the meantime!
    Thanks everyone for your posts. It has proven that I'm not making an outrageous request and other people feel the same.

    You have a say when your child is with you, when child is with dad it is up to him and this is what you will be told in court! this is not some new 2 week relationship and the dad is pawning the child off on someone he hardly knows. You said the child has been having over nights 2 years now, why all of a sudden do you want to stop access?? Court can not make a third party as in GF do anything. Why would you be txting her? maddness!!


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