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Single mother in tricky situation
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I'd personally prefer not to be sending my child off to a faceless stranger on a regular basis though. Doesn't mean I don't trust my ex or the partner, its that I care about my child and the people in her life. I wouldn't be needing to see every person she comes into contact with but if someone is going to be minding her regularly its only natural that I would want to know who the person is. Not exactly to do with trust issues. Don't see why its being questioned tbh, thought its a reasonable enough request.
She does know who the person is, its her x GF!0 -
If you can't contact her to ask her how your child is then definitely seek a variation on the access order. She's being totally unreasonable. How would she feel if the tables were turned and she has kids also. How dare she step on your toes and act mother.
Why would she be contacting her at all, she can contact her x who I'm sure is on contact with his GF checking in on his child so he can let mam know how child is..0 -
You have a say when your child is with you, when child is with dad it is up to him and this is what you will be told in court! this is not some new 2 week relationship and the dad is pawning the child off on someone he hardly knows. You said the child has been having over nights 2 years now, why all of a sudden do you want to stop access?? Court can not make a third party as in GF do anything. Why would you be txting her? maddness!!
I'm not trying to stop access. Yes access in this house has been happening for nearly 2 years now but her taking care of her has only started to happen in recent weeks. I text her because she's obviously going to be a big part of my daughters life and thought it would be nice for us all to be civil and grown up about things.
I dont want to be her best friend but want to feel comfortable with my child in her care. It's common courtesy in my eyes.
To be honest I really don't see a need for court or solicitors Id she could just be an adult about things. I'm going to be in my exes life as Is he in mine. We have a child together.0 -
Your child has been around and having access around this woman for 2 years.. She obviously has her reasons on why she doesn't want to meet you. I personaly see no issue with use sharing a hello or whatever but how much do you think your going to get to know her in a 5 min chat? your X trusts her enough to leave child with her and to be honest that should be enough..
Your last sentance to me insinuates you feel she is jealous or something? If she is a mother herself, I'm sure she is well aware that her BF and you will have to be involved somewhat for the sake of your child.0 -
To be honest, I really am finding a few of the comments quite disconcerting. This is her child. Her four year old child. It's perfectly reasonable for the OP to want to meet with the person who is caring for that child.
Frankly if the woman is too immature to agree to meet the child's mother, then for me I would be wondering if she is mature enough to be a suitable guardian.0 -
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Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »To be honest, I really am finding a few of the comments quite disconcerting. This is her child. Her four year old child. It's perfectly reasonable for the OP to want to meet with the person who is caring for that child.
Frankly if the woman is too immature to agree to meet the child's mother, then for me I would be wondering if she is mature enough to be a suitable guardian.
No shes THEIR child, the child is not a possession that the mother owns. If the dad is comfortable and trust his GF to look after child, this should be enough. I could understand this slightly more if this was a new partner but the child has been haven sleep overs in their house for 2 years!0 -
Your child has been around and having access around this woman for 2 years.. She obviously has her reasons on why she doesn't want to meet you. I personaly see no issue with use sharing a hello or whatever but how much do you think your going to get to know her in a 5 min chat? your X trusts her enough to leave child with her and to be honest that should be enough..
Your last sentance to me insinuates you feel she is jealous or something? If she is a mother herself, I'm sure she is well aware that her BF and you will have to be involved somewhat for the sake of your child.
That's just the thing she doesn't even say hello to me.... Nothing!! I could see her in a shop and I'm with my daughter and she's with her child and the two kids say hello and wave and she doesn't even turn to look my way. The kids are even starting to see there's an issue there now which I think is wrong!!
I can't think of any reason that she would have an issue with me. I just think its s big ask for me to be ok with her minding my child yet she can't even say hello to me. Sometimes when my child is with my ex or my parents I would ring to see how she is or how she got on at play school but if she is with his partner I feel I can't do this!!
I don't want my ex in my life but I know it's the best thing for our child, I don't want his partner in my life but I'm willing to get along and communicate for the sake of my child!! I'm a genuine and easy going person. I just can't understand the big issue with this0 -
Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »
Frankly if the woman is too immature to agree to meet the child's mother, then for me I would be wondering if she is mature enough to be a suitable guardian.
Maybe she's just a really busy person who is busy dealing with life and looking after her own child, and her partner's child when neccessary, and sees no benefit to meeting because it doesn't change anything.
Is he on call already? So she is minding the child already?
What is going to change by "meeting her" or not "meeting her"?0 -
Maybe she's just a really busy person who is busy dealing with life and looking after her own child, and her partner's child when neccessary, and sees no benefit to meeting because it doesn't change anything.
Is he on call already? So she is minding the child already?
What is going to change by "meeting her" or not "meeting her"?
If she is a busy person then I think she could take 5 mins to meet me. I'm not asking for a full day of her time. I'm a fairly busy person myself, I work and raise my child alone. I'm always on the go but to me this is important.
I'm sure she wouldn't like a complete stranger minding her child!!0 -
No shes THEIR child, the child is not a possession that the mother owns. If the dad is comfortable and trust his GF to look after child, this should be enough. I could understand this slightly more if this was a new partner but the child has been haven sleep overs in their house for 2 years!
I did not say the child was a possession, and you are just frankly being argumentative.
Who's to say the father's judgement is sound?
No reasonable parent would leave their child with a babysitter they did not know. Why is this any different. When the father is not home then this woman is effectively the child's babysitter.0 -
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The op is not leaving her child with anyone, the childs father is leaving the child with his GF not a stranger on his time which is again none of the ops businessArbiter of Good Taste wrote: »I did not say the child was a possession, and you are just frankly being argumentative.
You stated in your post HER child insiuating to me you feel the child is a possession of the mothers, and I'm argumentative because I don't agree with you!!
Who's to say the father's judgement is sound?
I was waiting for this!! the courts decided when they granted the father access if it was granted through court and if not the op has been sending their child on over nights to dad for two years now so the op clearly has no issues with the fathers judgement as I presume she would have stated so in her original post and if she did have, she can go back to court whenever she feels like it! her issues are with the GF who is none of her business and that is what she will be told in court if she did go back especialy considering the child has been going on over nights to the fathers home for 2 years now!
No reasonable parent would leave their child with a babysitter they did not know. Why is this any different. When the father is not home then this woman is effectively the child's babysitter.0 -
My daughters (4 years old) father has been in her life since she was born but there has always been something with regards access etc. we don't get on and the last few years have proved quite difficult.
My daughters dad is now living with his partner and has been having regular access with our daughter in this house. The girlfriend however seems to have an issue with me and has point blank refused to meet with me.
His job involves being on 24/7 call out and if our daughter is in his care when he gets called out its his girlfriend who looks after her. This is where my issue is.
She has my phone number incase of emergency but refuses to meet with me or have any other contact with me.
Am I over reacting or is this scenario strange? I'm not comfortable with someone caring for my child if they refuse to have the decency to talk to me.
Any advice or opinions welcome!!
Well, I have a little girl and I would be really upset if I were in your situation. Of course this woman should meet you so that you can have a working relationship for the sake of your little girl. What if your little girl became ill and your ex was not contactable at work would this woman even ring you? I know she has your emergency number but if she can't even look at you in a shop you'd begin to wonder how reliable/ sane she even is.
I definitely would not leave my child with this woman whom you have never even met.
Get legal advice. Imo it's just not on. Stand your ground - you are doing this for your daughter. Wishing you the very best of luck. Ps don't listen to the naysayers here you have every right to be concerned and you are being a good mother.0 -
Have you spoke to your daughter about this woman? What they do together, how they get on etc.? This would be a good indictor of if there is anything to worry about.0
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That's just the thing she doesn't even say hello to me.... Nothing!! I could see her in a shop and I'm with my daughter and she's with her child and the two kids say hello and wave and she doesn't even turn to look my way. The kids are even starting to see there's an issue there now which I think is wrong!!
To me, this is what would be causing alarm bells. Why would she not even say hello?? It's illogical and is impacting the kids.
I get where people are coming from saying 'you're trusting the father so trust the girlfriend' - but the girlfriend is behaving very oddly. If she and the OP are within the same community, it's far from unreasonable to ask her to be civil and polite.
It's always the ideal to have everyone involved in a child's care on good terms - not always possible, obviously. But if I was leaving my child with someone, then I'd want to know they'd drop me a line if they realised that a favourite toy had been left behind, and so on. Not big in depth conversations, but enough respect for a working relationship. Because that's what the OP, her ex, and the girlfriend should have.0 -
To me, this is what would be causing alarm bells. Why would she not even say hello?? It's illogical and is impacting the kids.
I get where people are coming from saying 'you're trusting the father so trust the girlfriend' - but the girlfriend is behaving very oddly. If she and the OP are within the same community, it's far from unreasonable to ask her to be civil and polite.
It's always the ideal to have everyone involved in a child's care on good terms - not always possible, obviously. But if I was leaving my child with someone, then I'd want to know they'd drop me a line if they realised that a favourite toy had been left behind, and so on. Not big in depth conversations, but enough respect for a working relationship. Because that's what the OP, her ex, and the girlfriend should have.
I don't buy for a second that she just refuses to say hello for no reason!! there has to be a reason. Especially as she is a mam herself. Only thing I can think of is that she has been in the same situation before and after meeting the mam things went south or bad or whatever.
I've been here before on both sides of the coin, I was never formally introduced to my x's partner, my ds always had nice things to say about her, was happy to go and happy on the odd occasion that she minded him on her own, his dad trusted her and although I despise! my X he would never put ds at risk so I trusted him as he is my sons dad. I did of course eventually meet her, at activities, occasions etc but I never demanded it it just fell into place.
The other side my partners x wanted to meet me years ago, go for coffee, she had been carrying on crazy stopping starting access etc, turning up at my partners house etc I just didn't want to meet her, she was like a crazy irate energiser bunny, no thanks! we did the hello this is HH etc, you know introductions and from then on her demands just got worse, she wanted my number to know where I lived, about my family, my son his dad.. In my experience although this seems like a simple enough introduction, it can lead to madness.0 -
I don't buy for a second that she just refuses to say hello for no reason!! there has to be a reason. Especially as she is a mam herself. Only thing I can think of is that she has been in the same situation before and after meeting the mam things went south or bad or whatever.
I've been here before on both sides of the coin, I was never formally introduced to my x's partner, my ds always had nice things to say about her, was happy to go and happy on the odd occasion that she minded him on her own, his dad trusted her and although I despise! my X he would never put ds at risk so I trusted him as he is my sons dad. I did of course eventually meet her, at activities, occasions etc but I never demanded it it just fell into place.
The other side my partners x wanted to meet me years ago, go for coffee, she had been carrying on crazy stopping starting access etc, turning up at my partners house etc I just didn't want to meet her, she was like a crazy irate energiser bunny, no thanks! we did the hello this is HH etc, you know introductions and from then on her demands just got worse, she wanted my number to know where I lived, about my family, my son his dad.. In my experience although this seems like a simple enough introduction, it can lead to madness.
We have to trust the OP when she says she can't think of a reason why. Sure, there may be something she's not telling us, or something she's not considered, but we have to assume she's being honest.
Even if there's been a previous bad experience, what the OP is asking for isn't unreasonable. She wants to be introduced to someone who is part of her child's life and who may be in loco parentis when her ex has to work.
It doesn't seem as though the OP is going down the route of your partner's crazy ex - which sounds like it was bonkers for you. But even if someone has treated the OP's ex's girlfriend similarly in the past, it doesn't mean that she should automatically assume that the OP is going to go nuts at her. It's not a grown-up way to act.
It doesn't help that the OP has said she doesn't have a great relationship with her ex - I can see this being at the root of the girlfriend's reluctance - she's heard stories (true/false/mixture) and as such just doesn't want to know. But it's seeming as though the OP is trying to be the responsible adult here, and is being penalised for it.0 -
We have to trust the OP when she says she can't think of a reason why. Sure, there may be something she's not telling us, or something she's not considered, but we have to assume she's being honest.
Even if there's been a previous bad experience, what the OP is asking for isn't unreasonable. She wants to be introduced to someone who is part of her child's life and who may be in loco parentis when her ex has to work.
It doesn't seem as though the OP is going down the route of your partner's crazy ex - which sounds like it was bonkers for you. But even if someone has treated the OP's ex's girlfriend similarly in the past, it doesn't mean that she should automatically assume that the OP is going to go nuts at her. It's not a grown-up way to act.
It doesn't help that the OP has said she doesn't have a great relationship with her ex - I can see this being at the root of the girlfriend's reluctance - she's heard stories (true/false/mixture) and as such just doesn't want to know. But it's seeming as though the OP is trying to be the responsible adult here, and is being penalised for it.
In my opinion the child is the number one priority here and if I were in this situation I'd get the best legal advice I could afford and take proceedings to put this stupid girlfriend back in her box and safeguard the welfare of my child. No way should a mother have to put up with this . There can be no excuses, no justifications for the appalling attitude of this girlfriend.0 -
In my opinion the child is the number one priority here and if I were in this situation I'd get the best legal advice I could afford and take proceedings to put this stupid girlfriend back in her box and safeguard the welfare of my child. No way should a mother have to put up with this . There can be no excuses, no justifications for the appalling attitude of this girlfriend. Children are very precious and we need to know that they are in safe hands at all times.0
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It doesn't help that the OP has said she doesn't have a great relationship with her ex - I can see this being at the root of the girlfriend's reluctance - she's heard stories (true/false/mixture) and as such just doesn't want to know. But it's seeming as though the OP is trying to be the responsible adult here, and is being penalised for it.
I'd say theres definately a bit of this to it. She seems to have been quite persistant, asking her x over and over again and the txting the GF it just doesn't sit with me that theres nothing else to it. Yes we can only go by what the op says on here but to me its just not realistic.
While its no big deal to say hello, its the GF choice to choose not to meet her is she chooses. No court can make a judgement that affects a third party, so going to court will get the op nowhere no matter how much she pays for legal advice. The op hasn't once said the child is unhappy, unsafe, she can contact her x if she needs anything and away you go.
It comes across as controlling and demanding and totally undermining the dad and what he chooses to do when their child is with him on his time.0 -
I'd say theres definately a bit of this to it. She seems to have been quite persistant, asking her x over and over again and the txting the GF it just doesn't sit with me that theres nothing else to it. Yes we can only go by what the op says on here but to me its just not realistic.
While its no big deal to say hello, its the GF choice to choose not to meet her is she chooses. No court can make a judgement that affects a third party, so going to court will get the op nowhere no matter how much she pays for legal advice. The op hasn't once said the child is unhappy, unsafe, she can contact her x if she needs anything and away you go.
It comes across as controlling and demanding and totally undermining the dad and what he chooses to do when their child is with him on his time.
Actually it is the Dad who is undermining her and her wishes and not the other way round.0 -
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Actually it is the Dad who is undermining her and her wishes and not the other way round.[/QUOTE
No the GF has decided she doesn't want to meet her and the dad is standing by his GF's wishes! The mam doesn't get to call the shots so to speak when their child is with her father, thats the long and short of it.0 -
OP,
I think alot of the advice here is decontextualised.
Are you co-parenting with your ex or is it more of a parallel parenting situation? I think this is an important distinction because it means different expectations in how you are making decisions for your child.
If you are co-parents, this violates the spirit of the entire endeavor.
It would be hard to trust someone who had the care of your kids but didn't want to meet you. But really, this is out of your control. What you can expect is that you can reach your child during their access times with their dad/step mother. And if this is a problem, then you can vary the access order, but other than that there is not much you can do about it, but accept it.0 -
It's always the ideal to have everyone involved in a child's care on good terms - not always possible, obviously. But if I was leaving my child with someone, then I'd want to know they'd drop me a line if they realised that a favourite toy had been left behind, and so on. Not big in depth conversations, but enough respect for a working relationship. Because that's what the OP, her ex, and the girlfriend should have.
Some fair points made.
I just don't see the benefit to meeting her. You can't dictate other people how they act.
She sounds a bit odd alright (rude even) but does that impact the standard of care she will provide your child or what she will do in an emergency.
Like say you meet her for five minutes and you find her as mad as a bag of cats? (by your definition btw) What you gonna do?
Say you meet her and she is a bit odd/rude/unfriendly/abrupt what you gonna do?
Say you meet her and she is nice (by your standards) what you gonna do?
And what does "meeting her" really mean and show you about the care she will provide??
Like someone odd/rude/unfriendly could be a brilliant step/stand-in mum (sorry don't know best phrase).
Someone "nice" could be rubbish.
Who knows?
In an emergency "nice" person could fall to pieces. Or not.
In an emergency "rude" person could fall to pieces. Or not.
Yes it would be ideal and easy if you could just pop her a text saying "child forgot xxxxx, I'll drop it around in half hour if okay" and that she'd text back "sorry we're out but don't worry they have loan of other child's yyyy and they are grand" but you cannot dictate what kind of relationship you have with her.
You want to know her, she doesn't want to know you.
Also say you meet her and she mentions that sometimes when your ex is on call she might drop all the children to her sister (as her sister always has neighbours and their children in her house, it's a great child friendly house) while she goes to the shops what you going to do there?0 -
In my opinion the child is the number one priority here and if I were in this situation I'd get the best legal advice I could afford and take proceedings to put this stupid girlfriend back in her box and safeguard the welfare of my child. No way should a mother have to put up with this . There can be no excuses, no justifications for the appalling attitude of this girlfriend. Children are very precious and we need to know that they are in safe hands at all times.
How does meeting someone (for 5 minutes) reassure you that your child is in safe hands?
I'd be more concerned about the condition child is coming home in or things you are picking up from child. And in this case there is no cause for alarm from anything the op said.
I see you called the girlfriend stupid. Maybe she is just shy? Who knows. You can't dictate what someone else can or can't do. And correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think any court is going to tell the ex that he must introduce anyone who will be minding the child do the mam.0 -
How does meeting someone (for 5 minutes) reassure you that your child is in safe hands?
It would be a bit disastrous if this rule was applied to life by parents.
Ah sure look no point in meeting teachers, childminders, sports coaches, people acting as stepmothers, what's the point in vetting these people on behalf of your child, 5 minutes won't tell you much.
A bit lazy and irresponsible don't you think?
ETA: this one ignores OP in the locality. Should be enough to convince OP she's not 'nice'0 -
Flippyfloppy wrote: »It would be a bit disastrous if this rule was applied to life by parents.
Ah sure look no point in meeting teachers, childminders, sports coaches, people acting as stepmothers, what's the point in vetting these people on behalf of your child, 5 minutes won't tell you much.
A bit lazy and irresponsible don't you think?
ETA: this one ignores OP in the locality. Should be enough to convince OP she's not 'nice'
Has she not been "vetted" by the ex? Is that not enough?
So she's not "nice". What can be done about that? Nada imo.
Edit.
So your ex enrols child in swimming class. Do you need to meet swimming teacher? Are you going to vet everyone after your ex has done so?
Ps. What does ETA stand for?0 -
There plenty of women and men out there who have the capacity to behave like this for no reason or even worse for a stupid reason like 'she's your ex i don't want to see her ever.....' It is dangerous to have your child in the care of someone that won't speak to you. One can only hope she would have the sense to contact you in an emergency but what if you need to contact your child urgently for whatever reason(forgotten meds, death in the family)and you can't get your ex because he is on a call out and this woman wont answer your calls?? I hope they see sense before you have to get legal.0
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I may be missing something here, but it seems to me that this has nothing to do with the GF. It's between the OP and her Ex, who are the parents of the child, to act in the best interests of the child.
If the Ex has a new partner and wants/needs to include her in the life of what is, after all, his child too, that seems entirely reasonable (speaking as a father myself). However, if the OP wants to be introduced to a new person in her daughter's life that seems reasonable too. It's up to the Ex to explain the importance of this to his GF, and the upset and worry it's causing to someone who is of huge importance to his daughter; but it's also up to the OP to accept that she simly cannot control every detail of her daughter's life with her father: in particular, she cannot be seen to be vetting his future partners with the threat of a changed court order in her backpocket. That way lies madness.
I don't see that the GF's wishes come into this at all. Primarily the Ex needs to see the importance of the OP's request and sort out it out, but with the assurance that the OP knows that she cannot control the details of his relationships.
Talk of court orders will help no-one.0 -
How does meeting someone (for 5 minutes) reassure you that your child is in safe hands?
I'd be more concerned about the condition child is coming home in or things you are picking up from child. And in this case there is no cause for alarm from anything the op said.
I see you called the girlfriend stupid. Maybe she is just shy? Who knows. You can't dictate what someone else can or can't do. And correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think any court is going to tell the ex that he must introduce anyone who will be minding the child do the mam.
Ok if she is not stupid she is acting very stupidly and I'd go further and say she lacks maturity and common decency. I know people in the ops situation where the mother has a working relationship with the new partner. It might not be an easy thing to do but it's called being a grown up.Life is not perfect or ideal but people just have to be grown up. It's in the best interest of the child. Why? Because a) When the new girlfriend does not acknowledge the mother of the child at the shop for example the child is picking up ques and getting bad vibes about the situation and this will have an impact on the little girl even into the future.
b) The mother feels anxious and undermined and powerless.The mother is the primary carer of the daughter ( from what the op says ) and her well being is paramount in order to parent her child.And this situation is understandably upsetting her.
I don't know anything about family law but from what I know the HSE are pretty pro active these days.I don't accept that the courts will do nothing.As I have a child I know how the op must be feeling and I'd be looking at every option I'd raise roof tops to serve my child's best interests and I think other parents would do the same. And a word to the op don't send her anymore texts she may try to use this against you say you are harassing here. Just get good legal advice.0 -
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This is just not on in my book. The fact that the children are picking up on it now, and they're only young is potentially quite damaging to them.
Like, can your little one mention her Mammy to this other woman when she's there?
I'd be quite upset about this. This could lead to all sorts of anxiety and strain in a child's life.
You are the mother, but this woman has a significant input into your daughter's life too. There is a child's welfare and contentment at stake here. What a cow that she hasn't the manners to put the children before whatever negativity she has towards you, or meeting you.0
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