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Single mother in tricky situation

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    #62
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,038 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    There has probably been times in the last 2 years that she has been in charge of your child without the dad being present. And everything was ok. In the case of an emergency, and emergencies are very rare, she can contact the dad to let him know and he can be in touch with you, or he can manage the emergency himself.

    Yes, it would be nice if you could all meet and get along, but it is not necessary.

    If you are unhappy for this woman to be in charge of your daughter if your ex is called into work then you arrange for her to be dropped home to you, or for you to go collect her.

    Nobody knows what a judge will order. They might order that the child be dropped back to you. Or they might order that she is to be left in her dad's house in the care of whomever he feels fit. They are unlikely to order his gf to meet you.


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    #63
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    sopretty wrote: »
    This is just not on in my book. The fact that the children are picking up on it now, and they're only young is potentially quite damaging to them.

    Like, can your little one mention her Mammy to this other woman when she's there?

    I'd be quite upset about this. This could lead to all sorts of anxiety and strain in a child's life.

    You are the mother, but this woman has a significant input into your daughter's life too. There is a child's welfare and contentment at stake here. What a cow that she hasn't the manners to put the children before whatever negativity she has towards you, or meeting you.

    Okay so she's a cow or whatever.

    You can't change that. You can't dictate to her to meet you. Let it go.


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    #64
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,038 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    sopretty wrote: »
    What a cow that she hasn't the manners to put the children before whatever negativity she has towards you, or meeting you.

    My husband's ex never acknowledged me. Not even when I was sitting in the front seat of the car she would be strapping her daughter into.

    We all managed to get along just fine for 14 years without being in contact, and my step-daughter doesn't seem to have suffered any ill effects.

    She's now 18 and recently told me that I was always brilliant to her and with her when she was growing up.

    So clearly any negativity her mother felt towards me wasn't picked up on, because we didn't make an issue out of it. Her mother didn't speak to me, but we all got on with it without feeling the need to force contact, or drag the child into it. I never had to contact her mother directly for anything. She never had to contact me. The child had 2 parents, and they were the ones who communicated with each other.


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    #65
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    My husband's ex never acknowledged me. Not even when I was sitting in the front seat of the car she would be strapping her daughter into.

    We all managed to get along just fine for 14 years without being in contact, and my step-daughter doesn't seem to have suffered any ill effects.

    She's now 18 and recently told me that I was always brilliant to her and with her when she was growing up.

    So clearly any negativity her mother felt towards me wasn't picked up on, because we didn't make an issue out of it. Her mother didn't speak to me, but we all got on with it without feeling the need to force contact, or drag the child into it. I never had to contact her mother directly for anything. She never had to contact me. The child had 2 parents, and they were the ones who communicated with each other.

    Ok I see your point and it is good that it has all turned out so well. But the situation of the op is different in that she is the mother of the child and she wants some form of working relationship or at least being on good terms with the girlfriend as in being able to say hello, I think. In your situation it was the mother of the child who didn't want contact I gather from what you have written and do correct me if I am wrong in thinking that.


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    #66
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,038 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Yes, in my case the mother didn't want to know me.. but why should it be different? So it's ok and acceptable for the mother to ignore me, blank me and never acknowledge me... But if it was me behaving like that towards her, I'd be a "cow" and whatever else the gf has been called in this thread???

    Really??? Interesting!

    Why the different standards?

    My point is, the OP does not have to have any sort of relationship with her ex's gf. She never needs to have any direct contact with her. I was regularly in sole charge of my step-daughter, and in 14 years, not once did I need to contact her mother. Yes, it would be lovely if they could all get along as one big happy family. But it is not necessary.


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    #67
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    Yes, in my case the mother didn't want to know me.. but why should it be different? So it's ok and acceptable for the mother to ignore me, blank me and never acknowledge me... But if it was me behaving like that towards her, I'd be a "cow" and whatever else the gf has been called in this thread???

    Really??? Interesting!

    Why the different standards?

    My point is, the OP does not have to have any sort of relationship with her ex's gf. She never needs to have any direct contact with her. I was regularly in sole charge of my step-daughter, and in 14 years, not once did I need to contact her mother. Yes, it would be lovely if they could all get along as one big happy family. But it is not necessary.

    No, I never for one moment said that it was okay for the mother to blank you and treat you as she did. Just before you posted your reply I was about to post and say to you that your situation mirrored the ops but in reverse. And in my opinion it must have been very difficult for you to be in the role of step mother to a child whose mother would not even acknowledge you either. Not on in my book either and I think you have been a really strong person to have been able to deal with that situation which must have seemed very unnatural especially at the beginning. But well done to you for getting on with it.


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    #68
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,038 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    It wasn't really that difficult to be honest!

    30 seconds of awkwardness at handovers whenever I was present.. which wasn't even always! That's all. There was no long lasting feud, or problem between us. She just didn't want to know me or have anything to do with me.

    In hindsight, it probably made everything easier. If I was brought into the equation between her and my husband it could have been much worse, and more awkward! Too many cooks, and all that! As it was, I dealt with my step-daughter when she was with us. Her dad handled all dealings and communication with her mam.

    It was simple really ;)


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    #69
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    It wasn't really that difficult to be honest!

    30 seconds of awkwardness at handovers whenever I was present.. which wasn't even always! That's all. There was no long lasting feud, or problem between us. She just didn't want to know me or have anything to do with me.

    In hindsight, it probably made everything easier. If I was brought into the equation between her and my husband it could have been much worse, and more awkward! Too many cooks, and all that! As it was, I dealt with my step-daughter when she was with us. Her dad handled all dealings and communication with her mam.

    It was simple really ;)

    Yes, have been thinking about your situation versus the ops.
    But they are still different.
    The mother trusted you enough perhaps with her daughter not to feel the need to have any involvement with you or perhaps was so bitter couldn't deal with you and wanted to move on and I am only just speculating here.
    In any case the mother got to decide,personally I couldn't do what she did for eighteen years never to even acknowlege you, very bitter way to be in my opinion.

    But as I have said the mother decided and you had no choice in the matter.
    But in the case of the op she has not got to decide anything. She has been told ' this is how it is.' And no while I don't think it could ever be a lovey dovey relationship and it has no need to be, if the two could at least salute each other then the mother perhaps would feel more reassured and feel that she could trust this woman.

    To me her concerns are very valid.
    I never really had much cause to think about these things before but it is a real eye opener.
    Why do people have to be so bitter?
    Life is short after all.


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    #70
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    The OP has a valid a real concern here . It sounds to me as if that gf is harbouring some form of resentment towards her and who is to say that in time it wont transfer onto her child ?


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    #71
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    marienbad wrote: »
    The OP has a valid a real concern here . It sounds to me as if that gf is harbouring some form of resentment towards her and who is to say that in time it wont transfer onto her child ?

    OFFS,complete BS.


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    #72
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    HotHHead wrote: »
    OFFS,complete BS.

    Have you got a crystal ball there?
    There is no way you can be so sure.


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    #73
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    HotHHead wrote: »
    OFFS,complete BS.

    Do you have kids ?


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    #74
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,038 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    But if I had tried to insist the mother meet me, and be civil to me "for the sake of the child", and had posted here saying she wouldn't meet me, and what a cow, and I don't know what she's saying to her daughter about me behind my back etc etc I'd be told there's nothing I can do and to back off.

    So it would seem parents are "allowed" to screw up their kids* by refusing to have a relationship with significant people in their child's life, but significant people in the child's life can't decide on who they want to meet or what sort of relationship they have(!)

    *Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that by not speaking to me, my step-daughters mother in anyway screwed up her life. She loved her daughter more than life, and I was of no consequence to her, I think. But people are suggesting, almost stating as fact, that by the gf refusing to meet the mother, the child is going to be somehow stressed and damaged by the whole affair. The women involved don't need to have a relationship of any sort this does not necessarily translate to the child being under pressure and stressed because of "strained relations". If all adults involved do right by the child when the child is in their care, then they don't have to have anything to do with each other.

    I genuinely don't think my step-daughter ever even noticed me and her mam didn't speak. And it certainly didn't seem to affect her, as she was quite happy to speak to me about her mam, so there was never any uneasiness or tension on her part.

    I had no right to insist the mother meet me and that I be able to have direct contact with her "in case of an emergency", and similarly the mother here has no right to demand to meet the gf and have direct contact with her. The dad is the parent. What happens on his time, is his business. When the child is with him on his access time, it's up to him to deal with her care. If he is trusted enough to have the child's best interests at heart, that should be enough. If he is not trusted then the mother needs to go about changing access.


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    #75
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    But if I had tried to insist the mother meet me, and be civil to me "for the sake of the child", and had posted here saying she wouldn't meet me, and what a cow, and I don't know what she's saying to her daughter about me behind my back etc etc I'd be told there's nothing I can do and to back off.

    So it would seem parents are "allowed" to screw up their kids* by refusing to have a relationship with significant people in their child's life, but significant people in the child's life can't decide on who they want to meet or what sort of relationship they have(!)

    *Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that by not speaking to me, my step-daughters mother in anyway screwed up her life. She loved her daughter more than life, and I was of no consequence to her, I think. But people are suggesting, almost stating as fact, that by the gf refusing to meet the mother, the child is going to be somehow stressed and damaged by the whole affair. The women involved don't need to have a relationship of any sort this does not necessarily translate to the child being under pressure and stressed because of "strained relations". If all adults involved do right by the child when the child is in their care, then they don't have to have anything to do with each other.

    I genuinely don't think my step-daughter ever even noticed me and her mam didn't speak. And it certainly didn't seem to affect her, as she was quite happy to speak to me about her mam, so there was never any uneasiness or tension on her part.

    I had no right to insist the mother meet me and that I be able to have direct contact with her "in case of an emergency", and similarly the mother here has no right to demand to meet the gf and have direct contact with her. The dad is the parent. What happens on his time, is his business. When the child is with him on his access time, it's up to him to deal with her care. If he is trusted enough to have the child's best interests at heart, that should be enough. If he is not trusted then the mother needs to go about changing access.

    Yes you probably would be told to back off, but most would agree you were unfairly treated and great credit is due to you for making it work . But such is life - the birth mother sets the rules be they reasonable or unreasonable.

    In the Op's case it is a reasonable concern that a person that can be in sole care of her child refuses to even acknowledge her existence and in case of emergency refuses to ring her. That alone is a major concern.


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    #76
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,038 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    marienbad wrote: »
    In the Op's case it is a reasonable concern that a person that can be in sole care of her child.... in case of emergency refuses to ring her.

    But she can ring the child's father....


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    #77
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    marienbad wrote: »
    But such is life - the birth mother sets the rules be they reasonable or unreasonable.

    Says who you??!!! More BS. This mother knows best mentality drives me mad and is so agest and sexist. Yes I do have children, however I do not view them as my possession. They have a father who has an equal say in their life/upbringing.


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    #78
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    Big Bag of Chips wrote: »
    But she can ring the child's father....

    Of course that is the first option , but then what if he is unavailable ?


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    #79
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    HotHHead wrote: »
    Says who you??!!! More BS. This mother knows best mentality drives me mad and is so agest and sexist. Yes I do have children, however I do not view them as my possession. They have a father who has an equal say in their life/upbringing.

    It dos'nt matter what drives you mad and stop with the BS comments , they add nothing to your point or the conversation.

    Just ask if it was your child , A person - the sex dos'nt matter- refuses to acknowledge in any way the parent of a child that is in her care and you see no problem with that ?

    What would the motive behind such a stance be ? And how would they affect the child.

    imho as a general rule any one parent has a veto over any issue that affects their child.


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    #80
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    marienbad wrote: »
    Yes you probably would be told to back off, but most would agree you were unfairly treated and great credit is due to you for making it work . But such is life - the birth mother sets the rules be they reasonable or unreasonable.

    In the Op's case it is a reasonable concern that a person that can be in sole care of her child refuses to even acknowledge her existence and in case of emergency refuses to ring her. That alone is a major concern.

    :eek: I do not think this is the case

    There is no indication that if there is an emergency that the mother will not be called.

    And how are you going to find that out in a 5 minute meeting :confused:
    "hi, howarya, great to meet you, now tell me this; in an emergency will you ring me?"


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    #81
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    amdublin wrote: »
    :eek: I do not think this is the case

    There is no indication that if there is an emergency that the mother will not be called.

    And how are you going to find that out in a 5 minute meeting :confused:
    "hi, howarya, great to meet you, now tell me this; in an emergency will you ring me?"

    I may be incorrect but was it not mentioned earlier in the thread that she refused to have any contact whatsoever .

    You can find out lots of stuff in a 5 minute meeting , I can assure you of that. But who said it has to be 5 minutes ? These situations are always difficult but they can be made to work as well as can be expected if everyone is reasonable .

    This lady is not being reasonable and that is enough to raise concern . Time for the father to tell his g/f to grow up


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    #82
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    marienbad wrote: »
    Time for the father to tell his g/f to grow up

    You sound very young. The father is "not the boss" of his girlfriend.

    If the gf does not want to meet someone, she doesn't have to.


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    #83
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    amdublin wrote: »
    You sound very young. The father is "not the boss" of his girlfriend.

    If the gf does not want to meet someone, she doesn't have to.

    It's not just' someone' it's the mother of the child in her care when the child's father is called away to work.

    The girlfriend is at that point the child's carer and the mother has never even met her!
    How can you think that is ok or normal?

    Do you have kids yourself?


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    #84
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    zoomaway wrote: »
    How can you think that is ok or normal?

    I think it is what it is.

    And I think the op is just going to have to trust her ex that he would not put his child in danger. Likewise he will have to trust her.


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    #85
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 14,038 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    To be honest it's all irrelevant. What we think the gf should or shouldn't do is completely irrelevant. The fact of the matter is, the woman is refusing to meet her and cannot be forced to do otherwise.

    So now this is where the OP, has a choice to make. She either accepts that she will not meet this person, but that her daughter has always been well cared for while there, so still allow her to go on access. Or she changes access so that her daughter is not there at the times when her ex is on-call.

    Everything else is just pages of pointless arguing.


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    #86
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    marienbad wrote: »
    It dos'nt matter what drives you mad and stop with the BS comments , they add nothing to your point or the conversation.

    Just ask if it was your child , A person - the sex dos'nt matter- refuses to acknowledge in any way the parent of a child that is in her care and you see no problem with that ?

    What would the motive behind such a stance be ? And how would they affect the child.

    imho as a general rule any one parent has a veto over any issue that affects their child.

    They add plenty to my comments, I'm expressing how I feel about your posts.

    Also have you not read the full thread? I have already stated I have been in this position. I trusted my X as he is my childs father and therefore is well capable of making decisions for himself to do with our son when our son is in his care


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    #87
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    HotHHead wrote: »
    They add plenty to my comments, I'm expressing how I feel about your posts.

    Also have you not read the full thread? I have already stated I have been in this position. I trusted my X as he is my childs father and therefore is well capable of making decisions for himself to do with our son when our son is in his care

    Lets the readers judge what they add . And of course I have read the thread .

    Just because it worked out for you doesn't make it a general rule .

    The problem in this case is when the child is not in his care and that is what concerns the mother.


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    #88
    Flippyfloppy
    Registered Users Posts: 3,748 ✭✭✭Flippyfloppy


    HotHHead wrote: »
    They add plenty to my comments, I'm expressing how I feel about your posts.

    Also have you not read the full thread? I have already stated I have been in this position. I trusted my X as he is my childs father and therefore is well capable of making decisions for himself to do with our son when our son is in his care

    You trusted your ex. Every situation is not going to be exactly the same as yours.


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    #89
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    amdublin wrote: »
    You sound very young. The father is "not the boss" of his girlfriend.

    If the gf does not want to meet someone, she doesn't have to.

    I can assure you I am probably older that most on here. And it is not a question of being the boss of his girlfriend . The mother has every right to decide what she deems is right for their child and if she has concerns on this issue ( as I would have) she is entitled to take the appropriate action.


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    #90
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    marienbad wrote: »
    I can assure you I am probably older that most on here. And it is not a question of being the boss of his girlfriend . The mother has every right to decide what she deems is right for their child and if she has concerns on this issue ( as I would have) she is entitled to take the appropriate action.

    You think because she is the mother, her opinion superseeds the fathers?
    Its acually none of the mothers business what the father does with their child on his time, she can kick scream and do what she pleases but this is what she will be told if she goes to court.

    I never said it will definately work out just like none of ye can said it definately won't.

    I have years of experience in this field and not just myself.

    The mothers and some attitudes on this matter is that as she is the mother she should have the final say on what she feels is right for her child. This in my opinion is extrememly sexist and wrong.


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    #91
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    HotHHead wrote: »
    You think because she is the mother, her opinion superseeds the fathers?
    Its acually none of the mothers business what the father does with their child on his time, she can kick scream and do what she pleases but this is what she will be told if she goes to court.

    I never said it will definately work out just like none of ye can said it definately won't.

    I have years of experience in this field and not just myself.

    The mothers and some attitudes on this matter is that as she is the mother she should have the final say on what she feels is right for her child. This in my opinion is extrememly sexist and wrong.


    The fact of the matter is that it is the mother's decision and any court will agree with that in Ireland . If you disagree with that just pop over to any of the various threads on this very subject.

    If the mother has a genuine concern on this issue she is duty bound to act as she sees fit and if anything happens she would be vilified for not doing so.

    But lets just agree to disagree and leave it at that, squabbling is no help to the OP.


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