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Single mother in tricky situation

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    #92
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    marienbad wrote: »
    The fact of the matter is that it is the mother's decision and any court will agree with that in Ireland . If you disagree with that just pop over to any of the various threads on this very subject.

    If the mother has a genuine concern on this issue she is duty bound to act as she sees fit and if anything happens she would be vilified for not doing so.

    But lets just agree to disagree and leave it at that, squabbling is no help to the OP.

    It is not the mothers decision and it certainly is not the courts view, there are some judges who still live in the dark ages but family law has came on a long way for the fathers of Ireland. I have no issues with people’s opinions but when they start to state their opinions as fact I have issues with that. You are completely wrong in your statement and the majority of what you have stated on here has be sexist. I don’t need to read any threads etc, I have lived this life and have alot of experience in this field professionally also.


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    #93
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    HotHHead wrote: »
    You think because she is the mother, her opinion superseeds the fathers?
    Its acually none of the mothers business what the father does with their child on his time, she can kick scream and do what she pleases but this is what she will be told if she goes to court.

    I never said it will definately work out just like none of ye can said it definately won't.

    I have years of experience in this field and not just myself.

    The mothers and some attitudes on this matter is that as she is the mother she should have the final say on what she feels is right for her child. This in my opinion is extrememly sexist and wrong.

    If the parents are in a co-parenting paradigm, then it's not that simple. Co-parenting involves working together to come to solutions so that there is consistency and harmony in both houses. This takes some maturity for sure, but it's not a case of "His time/her time." It doesn't work that way.

    Why do you keep talking about court? There is no mention of courts here at all.

    Parents have to have access and contact with their kids, and the step mom should provide that when she is babysitting. If she can't then she should not be babysitting, and ultimately the responsiblity here lies with the dad since he is pitting both women against each other.


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    #94
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    It's an unfortunate situation but you can't control other people.

    I'd do nothing, rise above it, certainly do not text her if she has made it clear she doesn't want to meet.

    I don't really see what meeting will achieve tbh, you can't vet every person the child comes into contact with while she is with her father. What difference would it make what you thought of her upon meeting her, it's not like you can stop her seeing or minding your child on the fathers watch.

    This same situation exists with my sister in law, the father is married to someone else and has children who are half siblings to my sister in laws child and to this day she refuses to acknowledge my sister in law. It stems back to my sister in law behaving badly at the beginning of her ex's relationship. The children are all aware and affected by it, my sister in laws child is visibly uncomfortable if you ask her about her half siblings in front of her mother.

    I think it's best to just forget it and not be pushing at the ex or the girl to change. As long as your child is safe and happy, be glad the woman treats her well.


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    #95
    DM addict
    Registered Users Posts: 567 ✭✭✭DM addict


    I think a lot of people are getting - understandably - wound up here.

    And to keep things in context - he's not off shooting up meth and leaving his kid with the dealer. He's occasionally called out to work, and leaving his daughter with a long term live in girlfriend.

    The courts will not order the girlfriend to get along with the OP. They will probably do something like recommend mediation. If access has been fine apart from this, then it's just antagonising to take the ex to court, and will further sour already strained relations.

    I think it's unreasonable for the girlfriend not to agree to meet, or at least to be civil when they see each other. However, you can't force people to be nice. And a good point has been made that if it was the girlfriend trying to meet and the mother refusing, our attitudes may be very different.

    OP: I think all you can do is say, non-confrontationally, to your ex that you'd like to have a working relationship with the girlfriend as she's part of your child's life. Then don't push it - but if you see her in the street, smile. If you need to get in touch with her or your ex when your daughter is with them, then do. Ultimately, do what's best for your daughter, and don't let this get to you. Some people have real difficulties dealing with ex-partners still being around, for various reasons. All you can do is be the bigger person and try not to let it get to you.


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    #96
    Shadylou
    Registered Users Posts: 252 ✭✭Shadylou


    I would not allow my kids to stay in a house unsupervised with someone I have not met....I can't be 100% certain it doesn't happen but I would knowingly not let it happen. OP I am going through something similar as my ex has now starting seeing someone but I have insisted on speaking to her before my kids meet her as I wouldn't be okay with it otherwise. Obviously it's a 2 way street and I would give my ex the same courtesy if the roles were reversed


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    #97
    cbyrd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,214 ✭✭✭cbyrd


    If this woman doesn't want to meet the childs mother then she has no business looking after her. Sorry but if she were my child I would be back into the district court seeking amendment to the access agreement. If he has to go to work then the daughter should be dropped home to her mother. End of !

    My ex started to get funny about access and insisting on more days and hours and I discovered he was leaving them home alone with my 15 year old babysitting, he threatened court on me so i turned it around.. he'll now have very restricted access.

    I was informed that by handing them over knowing he leaves them alone i am party to child neglect and if someone reported it the children would be taken from us both. So yes it is in the mothers interest to know exactly who is looking after her child, as it is every mothers right!


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    #98
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 ✭✭✭✭January


    If I was the ex in this case I'd be pretty pissed off with my girlfriend not wanting to meet the mother of my child for 5 minutes to put her mind at ease as to who is looking after her child.

    I just can't understand why she won't just do it and get it over and done with and carry on. It's not like the OP is asking to be her best buddy.


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    #99
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    cbyrd wrote: »
    If this woman doesn't want to meet the childs mother then she has no business looking after her. Sorry but if she were my child I would be back into the district court seeking amendment to the access agreement. If he has to go to work then the daughter should be dropped home to her mother. End of !

    Would that really be in anyone's best interests? Going to court about it would cause a lot of tension. Would it really be in the child's best interests to be woken at 3am and dressed and driven home if the father was called to work at that time?

    I totally agree the woman is wrong to refuse to meet but we don't know what caused that. When the child is in her fathers care surely he is entitled to trust another adult with her?


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    #100
    cbyrd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,214 ✭✭✭cbyrd


    username123 wrote: »
    Would that really be in anyone's best interests? Going to court about it would cause a lot of tension. Would it really be in the child's best interests to be woken at 3am and dressed and driven home if the father was called to work at that time?

    I totally agree the woman is wrong to refuse to meet but we don't know what caused that. When the child is in her fathers care surely he is entitled to trust another adult with her?

    No it wouldn't, but it would show everyone concerned how important the issue is. Whats the big deal about meeting the childs mother? And no I actually wouldn't trust my ex with his choice of adult. Nor would i leave my child with a complete stranger who is unwilling to meet me. There has to be some give on his part, if he won't sort it then she has to.
    And i would not spare my ex's feelings for my child's welfare


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    #101
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    cbyrd wrote: »
    No it wouldn't, but it would show everyone concerned how important the issue is. Whats the big deal about meeting the childs mother? And no I actually wouldn't trust my ex with his choice of adult. Nor would i leave my child with a complete stranger who is unwilling to meet me. There has to be some give on his part, if he won't sort it then she has to.
    And i would not spare my ex's feelings for my child's welfare

    Well said.


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    #102
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    cbyrd wrote: »
    No it wouldn't, but it would show everyone concerned how important the issue is.

    So you think threatening court, modifying access orders, involving solicitors would actually help the situation?
    cbyrd wrote: »
    Whats the big deal about meeting the childs mother? And no I actually wouldn't trust my ex with his choice of adult.

    What's the big deal about not? Would you not expect to be trusted with who you introduce or allow to mind your child? The father is equally entitled to make those decisions.
    cbyrd wrote: »
    Nor would i leave my child with a complete stranger who is unwilling to meet me. There has to be some give on his part, if he won't sort it then she has to.

    The point is it's NOT the OP leaving her child with a complete stranger. The child's father is leaving HIS child with someone he trusts. Are you really saying that a father has no right to make that decision? Whatever happened to co-parenting? He is the child's parent too. When the child is with him he is entitled to make decisions about care.
    cbyrd wrote: »
    And i would not spare my ex's feelings for my child's welfare

    I don't think it's about the ex's feelings though, I agree it's not nice and it's petty of the other woman, but it comes off as very controllery to insist on meeting her if she doesn't want to meet or else threaten world war 3 with courts and solicitors. I really don't see how that will do anything but antagonise the situation tbh.

    To look at it from the opposite perspective, does the OPs ex have final say and veto rights over whoever the OP chooses to have in the child's life? Of course not, nor should he.


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    #103
    cbyrd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,214 ✭✭✭cbyrd


    This is her child, not the ex's girlfriend's child. If the childs mother wants to meet who is minding her child then she is perfectly entitled to.

    The OP has not met this woman, so yes, to her, she is a stranger!

    The dad should man up and cop on, what is the reason she wont meet? Is it worth the potential up heaval? If he had any sense he would have made a brief introduction before any introductions went on with the children. This is just common sense.

    If they break up what contact will she have with the child? None i expect.

    They don't have to be best buddies or even ever speak again, but to refuse point blank to meet?? That is just bad manners. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone having influence over my child having say in their lives if they didn't have the decency to meet with me.

    As the OP stated she is not comfortable with the situation. That would be enough for me to take it a step further and ensure that the adult in charge of my child was known to me.


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    #104
    amdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 20,653 ✭✭✭✭amdublin


    cbyrd wrote: »
    That would be enough for me to take it a step further and ensure that the adult in charge of my child was known to me.

    Calm down.

    The child is safe. (No indication from the op's posts to the opposite anyway)


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    #105
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    It's also the fathers child. Is he not allowed make decisions regarding his child?

    I totally agree it's bad manners etc... But I think it's very volatile to be shouting for courts and solicitors over it. And not conducive to resolving it. What exactly do you think a judge will do? He will likely tell the mother that the father can choose who he likes to mind the child during his access.


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    #106
    whats newxt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 431 ✭✭whats newxt


    i often think purifcation is the best awnser


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    #107
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    amdublin wrote: »
    Calm down.

    The child is safe. (No indication from the op's posts to the opposite anyway)

    The poster seems perfectly calm to me ,

    A person minding a child refuses to meet or even speak to the mother of that child and people are ok with that ?

    To me it is simply not acceptable.


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    #108
    cbyrd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,214 ✭✭✭cbyrd


    No need for me to calm down at all.. :D being a separated mother i have been through a lot of this. If she is not comfortable not knowing who is looking after her child then she is perfectly within her rights to have access re-examined.

    It would be in her interests to have the agreement drawn up and supported by the courts rather than draw it out in to years of unhappiness and back biting among the adults over something relatively minor.

    The children will notice, They always do, you will get nothing past them. What happens years down the line at communion? confirmation? 18th's ? 21st's? weddings? its not a NOW problem, its a lifelong one. Its easier to sort it once and for all properly by the book and then everyone knows where they stand.


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    #109
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    But genuinely, what do you think a judge will do? Say "Mr Ex, your girlfriend has to say hello". The OP would be probably told off for wasting the courts time. The child is safe, the judge is in there dealing with children in horrendous situations daily, do you really think he will give a toss because a fathers new gf doesn't say hello? Seriously, in the real world we have to make do with difficult people and difficult situations.

    In the situation I would be far more inclined to advise, pick your battles. The new gf is an a-hole, so what, as long as she treats the child ok.


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    #110
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    username123 wrote: »
    But genuinely, what do you think a judge will do? Say "Mr Ex, your girlfriend has to say hello". The OP would be probably told off for wasting the courts time. The child is safe, the judge is in there dealing with children in horrendous situations daily, do you really think he will give a toss because a fathers new gf doesn't say hello? Seriously, in the real world we have to make do with difficult people and difficult situations.

    In the situation I would be far more inclined to advise, pick your battles. The new gf is an a-hole, so what, as long as she treats the child ok.

    Do you have kids?


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    #111
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    zoomaway wrote: »
    Do you have kids?

    How is that relevant?


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    #112
    marienbad
    Registered Users Posts: 9,463 ✭✭✭marienbad


    username123 wrote: »
    How is that relevant?

    Because it generally has an effect on one's point of view when it comes to assessing kids and risk .


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    #113
    cbyrd
    Registered Users Posts: 3,214 ✭✭✭cbyrd


    All the work is done with the solicitors.. the agreement is drawn up, he has his say, then it goes before the judge. If the agreement is broken she can withdraw access.. simple as.

    Example. Ex is allowed overnight access on night 1 and 2, if on night 2 he is called away then child has to be left with either the mother or a carer known to the mother.
    or
    Ex is allowed access until 8pm on days 1 and 2 as he may be called to work and cannot provide a carer known to the mother. child shall return home.

    The decision is then his to make as to whether he wants overnight access and to rectify a situation which should never have developed in the first place. If he breaks the agreement it is solely his lookout. He has to take his place in the situation.


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    #114
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    marienbad wrote: »
    Because it generally has an effect on one's point of view when it comes to assessing kids and risk .

    So on that case should only people in the exact situation as the OP offer an opinion. What utter nonsense. This is a discussion forum, all points of view are valid.

    What risk? Show me exactly where the OP has alluded to risk?


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    #115
    zoomaway
    Closed Accounts Posts: 80 ✭✭zoomaway


    username123 wrote: »
    How is that relevant?

    It's very relevant.
    Until one becomes a parent a person cannot I believe truly understand the depth of love you have for that little person you have created. Parents will go to the ends of the earth to ensure that their child is safe, well and happy.Becoming a parent is life changing.

    Before I became a parent I might honestly not have made a big deal out of the ops situation. But now being a parent I have a totally different perspective.My child is number one.


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    #116
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    cbyrd wrote: »
    All the work is done with the solicitors.. the agreement is drawn up, he has his say, then it goes before the judge. If the agreement is broken she can withdraw access.. simple as.

    No she can't once a court order is in place, both parties have to abide by it, if either party is in breach of the court order, they are to be brought back to court..

    Example. Ex is allowed overnight access on night 1 and 2, if on night 2 he is called away then child has to be left with either the mother or a carer known to the mother.
    or
    Ex is allowed access until 8pm on days 1 and 2 as he may be called to work and cannot provide a carer known to the mother. child shall return home.
    The child has two homes.

    The decision is then his to make as to whether he wants overnight access and to rectify a situation which should never have developed in the first place. If he breaks the agreement it is solely his lookout. He has to take his place in the situation.

    I see the mammy knows best brigad are out in force tonight! your comments are actually extremely insulting to any seperated fathers out there or to even fathers in general who you obviously view as less capable of being a parent because they are a man.


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    #117
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    zoomaway wrote: »
    It's very relevant.
    Until one becomes a parent a person cannot I believe truly understand the depth of love you have for that little person you have created. Parents will go to the ends of the earth to ensure that their child is safe, well and happy.Becoming a parent is life changing.

    Before I became a parent I might honestly not have made a big deal out of the ops situation. But now being a parent I have a totally different perspective.My child is number one.

    I'm sorry, but this is patronising crap and the type of attitude that brings this forum down. I have already reported the two previous posts that alluded that only certain people are allowed to have an opinion here.

    As a human being I can see and understand the situation, I also understand the real world and what happens in family law courts having supported enough friends through them.

    To suggest that because someone cannot hold a valid opinion because they do not have a child is horse****.


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    #118
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    zoomaway wrote: »
    It's very relevant.
    Until one becomes a parent a person cannot I believe truly understand the depth of love you have for that little person you have created. Parents will go to the ends of the earth to ensure that their child is safe, well and happy.Becoming a parent is life changing.

    Before I became a parent I might honestly not have made a big deal out of the ops situation. But now being a parent I have a totally different perspective.My child is number one.

    Do you mean parent or mother here? because going by what your saying the father/parent will go to ends of the earth to ensure that his child is safe well and happy?!!!! which he is doing as the child is safe and happy as the op hasn't stated otherwise?


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    #119
    ElleEm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,981 ✭✭✭ElleEm


    You really should have nipped this in the bud when you knew your ex had entered into a relationship and his new girlfriend would be spending loads of time with your daughter. It is going to be hard to come back from it now, as you have already "allowed" (for want of a better phrase) her to look after your kid without having any interaction with you.

    Your ex obviously trusts her enough to look after (both of your) daughter, so you should find comfort in that.

    It is totally weird though. She could be threatened by the fact that you have a child for her boyfriend, or (as you said you don't get on) he could have told her you are a total psychopath. Either way, she has been in your kid's life for half her life. It is unfortunate that you feel the way you do, and I admire you for trying to build some form of relationship with this girl. Amdublin had a good suggestion in that you could text the girl about something when she has your daughter and see if she responds. This may lead on to a conversation, but it is certainly a more natural way of starting to talk to her.


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    #120
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,862 ✭✭✭✭January


    HotHHead wrote: »
    I see the mammy knows best brigad are out in force tonight! your comments are actually extremely insulting to any seperated fathers out there or to even fathers in general who you obviously view as less capable of being a parent because they are a man.

    There is absolutely no need for you to post in bold. It confuses people because usually when a mod is giving instruction they use bold tags to give it.

    Everyone needs to remember the forum charter, be civil and helpful or don't post at all. Everyone's opinion is valid, but the sniping is not.


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    #121
    HotHHead
    Registered Users Posts: 110 ✭✭HotHHead


    I always post in bold after a quote as otherwise my text gets lost.


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