Single mother in tricky situation

marienbad

username123 wrote: »

So on that case should only people in the exact situation as the OP offer an opinion. What utter nonsense. This is a discussion forum, all points of view are valid.

What risk? Show me exactly where the OP has alluded to risk?

Talk about misreading a post, a question was asked and I offered an answer - no more.

Having a person that is a stranger to you and refuses to change that minding your child is a risk.

January

HotHHead wrote: »

I always post in bold after a quote as otherwise my text gets lost.

No it doesn't, the quoted text is boxed in, people will read your post with no problem.

username123

marienbad wrote: »

Talk about misreading a post, a question was asked and I offered an answer - no more.

Having a person that is a stranger to you and refuses to change that minding your child is a risk.

The person is not a stranger to the child's father. He has as much right to choose who minds the child. It's his kid too.

Big Bag of Chips

cbyrd wrote: »

If she is not comfortable not knowing who is looking after her child then she is perfectly within her rights to have access re-examined.

But she does know who is looking after her child. She knows it is her ex's gf. The fact that the gf has never said "Hello" is irrelevant. She knows her. She knows her to see etc and her daughter has been in her company a lot without incident.

The children will notice, They always do, you will get nothing past them. What happens years down the line at communion? confirmation? 18th's ? 21st's? weddings?

My step-daughter's mother never acknowledged me. Yet I was at communion and confirmation. As I said before, I don't think my step-daughter ever noticed. If she did, she never mentioned it, or it didn't have any negative affect on her relationship with me.

Actually.. we had our own emergency with my husband's daughter one time, and you know what we did... We handled it. Without telling her mother (shock!) Why did we not tell her mother? Because she was 100 miles away and would not have been able to do anything anyway. So rather than ring her and have her anxious & worried, we dealt with it ourselves and the child rang her the following morning to tell her what had happened, and that she was ok now.

cbyrd

HotHHead wrote: »

I see the mammy knows best brigad are out in force tonight! your comments are actually extremely insulting to any seperated fathers out there or to even fathers in general who you obviously view as less capable of being a parent because they are a man.

When i started dating after my marriage broke down, the first person i told was my ex. When i was going to introduce my partner to my children i told my ex. he was introduced first.
This was on the advice of my 15 year old daughters councillor. The support from the ex if there are problems between the child and the new adult in their lives. I do not have the right to put another person in my childs life and not give them a support network.
We had teething problems actually helped by the fact that my ex was not dissing my new partner. Simply explaining to the older 2 that if mammy is happy then i get less grief. They had an outlet to bitch and soon it all settled down.
He has recently started dating and i am being afforded the same manners.
His girlfriend has not met the children yet but i will be told 2 weeks previous to it happening. My 15 year old does not want to meet her but as i have said to her 'she has me to come home to and if daddy is happy then its easier to put up with him' this made her laugh and agree.

I can also add that my partner and my ex never have contact except if he is dropping them home and I am out. They say hello and that's it.. Neither have the interest in being friends.
It was hard won but biting tongue and going through the proper channels worked for me.

Flippyfloppy

marienbad wrote: »

Talk about misreading a post, a question was asked and I offered an answer - no more.

Having a person that is a stranger to you and refuses to change that minding your child is a risk.

I agree with this. It is every parents duty to check out people spending time with their child.

The OP clearly feels uneasy about this woman so I hope she's not discouraged or made to feel shes crazy for being worried about her daughters best interests.

Always trust your instincts. Who knows maybe OP doesn't trust the ex's judgement. Why would she- they broke up, they don't get on.

She knows it's tricky from the title & it sounds like she's tried every avenue to be civil with this woman.

amdublin

marienbad wrote: »

Because it generally has an effect on one's point of view when it comes to assessing kids and risk .

Really?

So if you have no kids you can't work in social care assessing risk?
If the judge has no kids they can't work on child protection/family court cases?

I don't think so.

HotHHead

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

I agree with this. It is every parents duty to check out people spending time with their child.

The OP clearly feels uneasy about this woman so I hope she's not discouraged or made to feel shes crazy for being worried about her daughters best interests.

Always trust your instincts. Who knows maybe OP doesn't trust the ex's judgement. Why would she- they broke up, they don't get on.

She knows it's tricky from the title & it sounds like she's tried every avenue to be civil with this woman.

Its tough look if she doesn't trust his judgement, he is the childs father. One of the PARENTS has already checked out the person minding the child!!

marienbad

HotHHead wrote: »

I see the mammy knows best brigad are out in force tonight! your comments are actually extremely insulting to any seperated fathers out there or to even fathers in general who you obviously view as less capable of being a parent because they are a man.

They are not insulting at all , you are assuming opinions would be different if the situation were reversed . Mine would be unchanged .So lets reverse them and see what people think.

The boyfriend of a former partner refuses to have anything to do with me and even refuses to meet with me but minds my child when my partner is on call.

Henry9

zoomaway wrote: »

Parents will go to the ends of the earth to ensure that their child is safe, well and happy.Becoming a parent is life changing

'Mammy knows best brigade' is right.
I notice you don't extend this characteristic to the father of the child.

So then, does the father get the same power of veto over who his ex takes up with?
Does he get the new boyfriend coming around tugging his forelock like a teenager in front of his father in law?

What if he doesn't trust this new man? Does he get a say in the ex girlfriend's domestic arrangements?
Does he get to insist the new man is never looking after the child?

What nonsense. The father is obviously comfortable with his girlfriend looking after the child. Unless the mother has some specific cause for concern that should be the end of it.

You can't vet someone in five minutes anyway, unless they turn about to be a crack addict or something.
Obviously it's not about that, it's about control.
Like a lot of these situations.

zoomaway

username123 wrote: »

I'm sorry, but this is patronising crap and the type of attitude that brings this forum down. I have already reported the two previous posts that alluded that only certain people are allowed to have an opinion here.

As a human being I can see and understand the situation, I also understand the real world and what happens in family law courts having supported enough friends through them.

To suggest that because someone cannot hold a valid opinion because they do not have a child is horse****.

To clarify I asked you a question to which your reply was how was that question relevant. I gave you MY honest opinion.
But my honest opinion was not to your liking so it has turned into ' patronising crap.'

It was not intended to be patronising it was my honest evaluation of how I believe I have changed since becoming a parent.But go ahead and report me too if you want to.

Sligo1

amdublin wrote: »

Really?

So if you have no kids you can't work in social care assessing risk?
If the judge has no kids they can't work on child protection/family court cases?

I don't think so.

Lol... That's a bit of a ridiculous statement. In order to work in social care or family law etc you would have to go through years of training in order to enable you to do risk assessments which the average joe blogs without trainig would not be qualified or able to do. A parent is entitled to do their own assessment of risk for their own children... Having gone through years of training or not..:

zoomaway

Henry9 wrote: »

'Mammy knows best brigade' is right.
I notice you don't extend this characteristic to the father of the child.

So then, does the father get the same power of veto over who his ex takes up with?
Does he get the new boyfriend coming around tugging his forelock like a teenager in front of his father in law?

What if he doesn't trust this new man? Does he get a say in the ex girlfriend's domestic arrangements?
Does he get to insist the new man is never looking after the child?

What nonsense. The father is obviously comfortable with his girlfriend looking after the child. Unless the mother has some specific cause for concern that should be the end of it.

You can't vet someone in five minutes anyway, unless they turn about to be a crack addict or something.
Obviously it's not about that, it's about control.
Like a lot of these situations.

This is not a man versus women debate let's be very clear about that.
This is about responsible parenting be it male or female.
But you and a few more on here want to turn it into something else.
That I have absolutely no wish to partake in.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.

marienbad

Henry9 wrote: »

'Mammy knows best brigade' is right.
I notice you don't extend this characteristic to the father of the child.

So then, does the father get the same power of veto over who his ex takes up with?
Does he get the new boyfriend coming around tugging his forelock like a teenager in front of his father in law?

What if he doesn't trust this new man? Does he get a say in the ex girlfriend's domestic arrangements?
Does he get to insist the new man is never looking after the child?

What nonsense. The father is obviously comfortable with his girlfriend looking after the child. Unless the mother has some specific cause for concern that should be the end of it.

You can't vet someone in five minutes anyway, unless they turn about to be a crack addict or something.
Obviously it's not about that, it's about control.
Like a lot of these situations.

This is not the case in point though . No one could disagree with the above in the normal course of events . But this case is not the norm.

What sets it apart is a person refusing to meet the mother of the child she may be caring for. Why would she do that ? It is a perfectly reasonable expectation.

In the absence of any stated reasons one is reduced to speculation and the most obvious answer is that she wants nothing to do with her partners past life, be it for reasons of jealousy resentment whatever . But the biggest reminder of that past life if the child she is minding.

HotHHead

cbyrd wrote: »

When i started dating after my marriage broke down, the first person i told was my ex. When i was going to introduce my partner to my children i told my ex. he was introduced first.
This was on the advice of my 15 year old daughters councillor. The support from the ex if there are problems between the child and the new adult in their lives. I do not have the right to put another person in my childs life and not give them a support network.
We had teething problems actually helped by the fact that my ex was not dissing my new partner. Simply explaining to the older 2 that if mammy is happy then i get less grief. They had an outlet to bitch and soon it all settled down.
He has recently started dating and i am being afforded the same manners.
His girlfriend has not met the children yet but i will be told 2 weeks previous to it happening. My 15 year old does not want to meet her but as i have said to her 'she has me to come home to and if daddy is happy then its easier to put up with him' this made her laugh and agree.

I can also add that my partner and my ex never have contact except if he is dropping them home and I am out. They say hello and that's it.. Neither have the interest in being friends.
It was hard won but biting tongue and going through the proper channels worked for me.

Thats great that worked for you, and thats they way you BOTH wanted to handle things, in the ops case, she wants to do things her way but is deciding this 2 years in, the father is not going along with what the mam wants, so now she is considering stopping access as she is not getting her own way.
The child is happy and safe in the GF care, the dad is not up and leaving the child with anyone so he can go on the beer.
The child has been having reguarly access sleepovers for the past 2 years in her other home.
As I said I don't think its a big deal to say hello, be civil but it can't be for no reason especilally as she is parent herself, I just don't buy it.

HotHHead

marienbad wrote: »

This is not the case in point though . No one could disagree with the above in the normal course of events . But this case is not the norm.

What sets it apart is a person refusing to meet the mother of the child she may be caring for. Why would she do that ? It is a perfectly reasonable expectation.

In the absence of any stated reasons one is reduced to speculation and the most obvious answer is that she wants nothing to do with her partners past life, be it for reasons of jealousy resentment whatever . But the biggest reminder of that past life if the child she is minding.

If your going to assume the above, well then sure I could easily assume that the op is a jealous control freak who refuses to allow her x move on and be happy and is jealous of the time her child spends in her other family unit and has been causing havoc since day one, so this is why the GF is refusing to meet her..

We can assume all day !

January

HotHHead wrote: »

Thats great that worked for you, and thats they way you BOTH wanted to handle things, in the ops case, she wants to do things her way but is deciding this 2 years in, the father is not going along with what the mam wants, so now she is considering stopping access as she is not getting her own way.
The child is happy and safe in the GF care, the dad is not up and leaving the child with anyone so he can go on the beer.
The child has been having reguarly access sleepovers for the past 2 years in her other home.
As I said I don't think its a big deal to say hello, be civil but it can't be for no reason especilally as she is parent herself, I just don't buy it.

No where has the OP stated that she is going to stop access, she has stated that she MAY seek a variation to the access order.

marienbad

HotHHead wrote: »

If your going to assume the above, well then sure I could easily assume that the op is a jealous control freak who refuses to allow her x move on and be happy and is jealous of the time her child spends in her other family unit and has been causing havoc since day one, so this is why the GF is refusing to meet her..

We can assume all day !

The fact that a person refuses to meet the mother of a child she is minding from time to time ,that is enough as far as I would be concerned.

In the absence of any explanation one is reduced as I said to speculation .

You yourself just said that you don't buy it , as in the absence of detail one must speculate , you lean one way I the other.

But rearing children is about minimising risk so this is a no brainer. By the way the father would have exactly the same rights in a reversed situation.
As I said earlier in the thread both parents have a veto on any issue in a child's life .

username123

marienbad wrote: »

The fact that a person refuses to meet the mother of a child she is minding from time to time ,that is enough as far as I would be concerned.

In the absence of any explanation one is reduced as I said to speculation .

You yourself just said that you don't buy it , as in the absence of detail one must speculate , you lean one way I the other.

But rearing children is about minimising risk so this is a no brainer. By the way the father would have exactly the same rights in a reversed situation.
As I said earlier in the thread both parents have a veto on any issue in a child's life .

Yes, it is a no brainer. The father can make decisions regarding care during his access time and the mother can do the same during hers. So long as the child is cared for and safe, that's all that matters. Otherwise it's just about trying to use a child to control an ex and this risks the child's relationship with her father.

HotHHead

January wrote: »

No where has the OP stated that she is going to stop access, she has stated that she MAY seek a variation to the access order.

Post 8 - the op is on about stopping access

marienbad

username123 wrote: »

Yes, it is a no brainer. The father can make decisions regarding care during his access time and the mother can do the same during hers. So long as the child is cared for and safe, that's all that matters. Otherwise it's just about trying to use a child to control an ex and this risks the child's relationship with her father.

To each their own then , imho opinion both parents can set conditions on who where when and why their child is cared for.

Pods1987

I have not stopped access nor will be because I feel this will only my daughter. I have never and am not about to start using my child as a bargaining tool. Some people have said on here that I may be trying to control my exs life and have all the power. This is completely not the case. This is our child, not mine or his but ours and I feel we should both have a say. But in this situation even though I've told him I'm uncomfortable with it he's willing to keep doing it regardless!! To me it feels like he is controlling. He's the one not taking my feelings into account where if the situation was reversed I would expect him to feel the same way I do.
I want to handle this with minimum disruption to my child's life as possible. I have always put her needs above my own feelings.
Another thing I would like to set straight is there is no issue of child neglect here. Every time she goes to her fathers as far as I can see she is well looked after. But moving forward I feel it's very important that myself and his gf have a working relationship!! Yes I can't force anyone to want to speak with me and this is not what I'm trying to do but why should I be forced to be ok with this set up when I'm not!!

Boombastic

Do you trust the father to care for her?
Unless you suspect abuse or mistreatment, his partner is not your concern. It's his child too and he is the 'birth father' as much as you are the 'birth mother'


Edit- we posted at the same time. just out of interest, do you introduce your partners to your ex.


you seem very focused on how this effects you and your feelings. can you describe how it's effecting the child and how the child is expressing it?

username123

Pods1987 wrote: »

I have not stopped access nor will be because I feel this will only my daughter. I have never and am not about to start using my child as a bargaining tool. Some people have said on here that I may be trying to control my exs life and have all the power. This is completely not the case. This is our child, not mine or his but ours and I feel we should both have a say. But in this situation even though I've told him I'm uncomfortable with it he's willing to keep doing it regardless!! To me it feels like he is controlling. He's the one not taking my feelings into account where if the situation was reversed I would expect him to feel the same way I do.
I want to handle this with minimum disruption to my child's life as possible. I have always put her needs above my own feelings.
Another thing I would like to set straight is there is no issue of child neglect here. Every time she goes to her fathers as far as I can see she is well looked after. But moving forward I feel it's very important that myself and his gf have a working relationship!! Yes I can't force anyone to want to speak with me and this is not what I'm trying to do but why should I be forced to be ok with this set up when I'm not!!

I'm not really clear how her saying hello or being introduced will magically resolve the situation? She could easily be introduced then continue to blank you. Or just give you the fake smiles and meaningless pleasantries. How will that make this better for you?

Of course she SHOULD play nice, but you can't control people and I really fail to see how forcing it will resolve anything?

Pods1987

Boombastic wrote: »

Do you trust the father to care for her?
Unless you suspect abuse or mistreatment, his partner is not your concern. It's his child too and he is the 'birth father' as much as you are the 'birth mother'


Edit- we posted at the same time. just out of interest, do you introduce your partners to your ex.


you seem very focused on how this effects you and your feelings. can you describe how it's effecting the child and how the child is expressing it?

To be honest I'm more concerned how it effects my daughter. I can see the kids feeling uncomfortable whenever we come into contact and there's no talk. My daughter looks up at me as in is it ok if I go talk to this woman and her child whom he seems to get on good with!! I just don't think it's nice for a small child to be put in that situation. Kids are very sensitive and my daughter especially I've noticed is very aware if what's going on around since she was much much younger. My daughter has also asked me on numerous occasions can I drop her to daddy's house instead of him collecting. I think she wants to feel proud in directing me to get there but any time I suggest I will drop or collect her I'm told no her father will do. I have never been over to the house to drop or collect my daughter!!! It's just very bizarre

Boombastic

Pods1987 wrote: »

To be honest I'm more concerned how it effects my daughter. I can see the kids feeling uncomfortable whenever we come into contact and there's no talk. My daughter looks up at me as in is it ok if I go talk to this woman and her child whom he seems to get on good with!! I just don't think it's nice for a small child to be put in that situation. Kids are very sensitive and my daughter especially I've noticed is very aware if what's going on around since she was much much younger. My daughter has also asked me on numerous occasions can I drop her to daddy's house instead of him collecting. I think she wants to feel proud in directing me to get there but any time I suggest I will drop or collect her I'm told no her father will do. I have never been over to the house to drop or collect my daughter!!! It's just very bizarre

there is an access order in place. It seems he takes it seriously, maybe he doesn't want to you let you interfer by letting you drive her there thus you deciding what time she turns up at, maybe it suits him as he's on his way by anyway, maybe he doesn't want to put you to any bother.

You say you don't get on with your ex, depending on how the relationship ended it might not be that bizarre, or he's moved on and just couldn't be bothered with any drama?(not judging just a possibility?)
Do you speak to the other child, say hello etc?

Pods1987

Boombastic wrote: »

there is an access order in place. It seems he takes it seriously, maybe he doesn't want to you let you interfer by letting you drive her there thus you deciding what time she turns up at, maybe it suits him as he's on his way by anyway, maybe he doesn't want to put you to any bother.

You say you don't get on with your ex, depending on how the relationship ended it might not be that bizarre, or he's moved on and just couldn't be bothered with any drama?(not judging just a possibility?)
Do you speak to the other child, say hello etc?

No there are always times and days decided at the start if each week. I would never just arrive unannounced with her. Regardless of how our relationship ended this shouldn't affect this. It ended nearly 5 years ago its way in the past. Yes we have both moved on and I certainly don't want any drama!! Life is too short and my daughter is the most precious thing in the world to me. I just want us to enjoy her and not have this constant back and forth of disagreements.
Yes I always say hello to the other child and have always invited her to birthday parties. I thought his gf down the line could maybe join us on birthdays too someday but somehow I don't see that happening. I just think if your going out with someone with kids you should be willing to make an effort with the child's mother for the sake of our daughter!!

Big Bag of Chips

Pods1987 wrote: »

I just think if your going out with someone with kids you should be willing to make an effort with the child's mother for the sake of our daughter!!

Ok, that's what you think. And it's what most people here have agreed would be the sensible and polite way of going about things.

But..

She isn't playing ball.

So where does that leave you? After 140+ replies are you any better off? Are all these replies and advice going to change her? Is it going to make her suddenly decide to be friendly towards you?

You have no control over her. You have very little (no!) control over your ex and what he does, or who he allows to have access to your (pl) child.

So... What now?

wuffly

To be fair OP just wanted to get opinions on whether she was over reacting and some advice on what to do. She has gotten plenty of both, why keep having a go at her?

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not having a go at all. Just pointing out that whatever she thinks, whatever we think, it doesn't actually change the situation.

The gf is refusing to meet her. And that doesn't look like changing. So I am genuinely asking... What now?

Only options appear to be, get on with it. Or change access so that her daughter is not with her dad when he's on call.

Even that won't ensure that the gf never minds her daughter on her own.