Is my boyfriend mean? Or am I being unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years and I have never been happier. We have a really healthy relationship and we can talk about everything, which is great because we never fight as any problem is usually talked about and dealt with before it becomes an issue... except for this one thing that is bothering me and I don't know how to approach it with him.

The issue I have is that I seem to always be spending more money than him. We don't live together, we are both mature students receiving back to education allowance. I have a part time job which pays for my college fees (he gets a grant which pays for his), so we both have basically the same amount of spendable income. It's not that I always get caught to pay for everything, it's not like that as we do go halves on stuff usually, but sometimes he is slow to put his hand in his pocket and I end up buying the extra round, or the cab home, or the takeaway etc. We share a car and I pay the insurance monthly from my account, he has contributed probably one third of what he was supposed to.

I think the thing that is bothering me the most though is the fact that I always get him a great birthday present but when it comes to my birthday I feel like he doesn't put in as much effort as I do and doesn't spend half the amount of money. I hate even writing that because it's not usually my style, I'm usually happy with any gift as long as I'm thought of and it does make me feel like a bit of a spoiled brat to be even thinking this way. This may be the reason I'm finding it difficult to approach the subject with him, I would really really appreciate some opinions.

For example, the first year we were together I got him a little present and baked him a cake and then took him away for a weekend up the country. I paid for the accommodation, the petrol, the food for the house and basically spoiled him because it was his birthday and I wanted to make him feel special. When it came to my birthday he said he was taking me away for the weekend, he paid for the accommodation and everything else was halves for the most part but I actually ended up paying more than him on some things such as that extra round or the takeaway etc.

The next year I bought him a gift worth €250, it was something he really wanted and he knew before I bought it that he was getting it. When it came to my birthday he suggested he would treat me to a weekend away and once again he paid for the hotel which he got as a deal on a coupon website and the rest of the weekend we went halves on everything, this time I didn't feel like I had paid more but the weekend itself ended up costing me a lot of money, later I was pee'd over it as it was money I needed for other stuff.

So, this year he asked me if I would like to go away for my birthday, this time I decided that I would refuse and let him get me a present instead as I wouldn't be able to spend that kind of money on a trip away again. On the lead up to my birthday he kept mentioning that he was broke, which was fair enough and I told him I didn't really mind once he marked it with a card and something small that it was the thought that counts.The weekend before my birthday we went to a party and were supposed to go home the next day but he wanted to stay there and was well able to produce money to get more drink etc. I was annoyed because I was thinking about all the times I sacrificed things to be able to afford him a nice birthday and there he was complaining about how broke he was that he wouldn't be able to afford me a present but yet well able to spend another €50 on more drink. I should mention also that he did get me a top which he gave to me before the weekend, he returned the present I had bought him for valentines day (which was €26) and exchanged it for a top for me (€16) and some other bits for his mother and gave this to me as part of my birthday present. I thanked him for it, after all the present I gave him was his to do as he pleased and it's the thought that counts after all, but after the party I just felt a bit annoyed.On the morning of my birthday he forgot it was even my birthday, I didn't get a card from him. He did ring me later on and apologized for forgetting and wished me a happy birthday and that was that, I felt a bit sad that there wasn't more of a fuss made but was trying to snap myself out of it because I felt like I was being childish. For his birthday previously I had once again spent €200+ on his present, he was there with me when I bought it and he picked it out so it's not like it was something I just sprung on him. He kept saying that when he has money he will get me a better birthday present......

So, fast forward two weeks he gets a full weeks work during the easter break and earns a nice bit of cash. He announces he's going to treat me at the weekend and was taking me to a show, we would go for dinner beforehand and drinks afterwards, I was really looking forward to it. He had bought the tickets online which were €30 each, I honestly thought he would be paying for dinner at least but we went halves on everything, I had to take a loan from him to pay my half because I was really broke that week.

I think that the issue comes down to our difference in upbringing, his mother seems to be very obsessed with money. Everything is "how much" or "that's too expensive". For example we went to two weddings last year and she was outraged at the amount of money we were giving as a gift (both were friends of mine where I gave a gift of €200, he contributed €50 of this). The same happened when I gave gifts to friend's babies and spent €50, she would be completely shocked and appalled whereas for me and everyone I know this is the amount we would usually spend for such an occasion. The other thing is his families attitude toward giving gifts to each other, they tell each other what they want for birthdays/christmas etc and there is generally no gratitude, in fact if the wrong present is bought then they argue with each other for buying something crap. My boyfriend thankfully is not that extreme and is thankful for presents etc but that's the type of atmosphere around gift giving in his home.

I really don't know how to deal with this, I would love to tell him how I am feeling but I'm afraid that I might come across as being money mad or that I might upset him. Everything else in our relationship is perfect, he is literally the best boyfriend in the world except for this one thing. If nothing changed I would obviously still love him but I'm afraid that I might become resentful of him which is totally unfair because he probably doesn't even realize that something is up.

I have also been thinking that I could avoid talking to him about it and just make sure everything is equal in future. Our insurance is up pretty soon and I could suggest we set up a joint account which we would both pay equal amounts to every week, this would cover our insurance and other things like cinema, meals etc. I could downscale on his birthday gifts and at least then I won't be so disappointed with mine.

I would love some feedback from fellow boardsies on this matter. Am I being unreasonable or is my boyfriend a bit mean? What should I do?

retro:electro

Honesty? Your boyfriend is living the good life free and easy having to pay less than his fair share and you picking up the bill most of the time. You have never made this an issue with him so why would he complain? It's obviously learned behaviour from his mother, he's probably a bit of a scab and you happen to be there to pick up the tab. He should think nothing of treating you to dinner and a show esp after gettin extra money. Similarly having you spend a load of money on your bday weekend away is a huge no no.
You really need to bring this up with him since it seems to be bothering you so much. Me and my bf are always broke but when we go for dinner he wouldn't dream of taking money off me, if he couldn't afford it we just wouldn't go. Sometimes we split, mostly he pays and rarely I'd pay, simply because he wouldn't allow it.
I don't know OP, it seems to me your bf is enjoying this easy ride.

Chucky the tree

It certainly sounds like he's mean. However he could just be very lax in terms of memory, I do thinks that's less likely though. I'd often never keep track of rounds/presents/meals but I'd definitely make a solid effort to pay them back when I remember. The worry is that he never bothers.


I'd certainly bring it up and I'd stop paying for those extra rounds/taxi cabs/takeaways. If you think this issue is going to make you resentful then talk to him and set down a solid foundation of how you will spend your money and how things will be split. This might help you feeling less pissed off.

Chucky the tree

anna080 wrote: »

Honesty? Your boyfriend is living the good life free and easy having to pay less than his fair share and you picking up the bill most of the time. You have never made this an issue with him so why would he complain? It's obviously learned behaviour from his mother, he's probably a bit of a scab and you happen to be there to pick up the tab. He should think nothing of treating you to dinner and a show esp after gettin extra money. Similarly having you spend a load of money on your bday weekend away is a huge no no.
You really need to bring this up with him since it seems to be bothering you so much. Me and my bf are always broke but when we go for dinner he wouldn't dream of taking money off me, if he couldn't afford it we just wouldn't go. Sometimes we split, mostly he pays and rarely I'd pay, simply because he wouldn't allow it.
I don't know OP, it seems to me your bf is enjoying this easy ride.

I got a good lol from these two lines.

Mantis Toboggan

anna080 wrote: »

It's obviously learned behaviour from his mother, he's probably a bit of a scab and you happen to be there to pick up the tab.

These two were my favourite!

LegacyUser

@anna080 thanks for the reply. Your right, it is actually partly my fault for allowing this to happen, I can be a bit too generous at times and in the beginning if there were weeks where I did have more money than him it wouldn't bother me to fork out more, I would say things like "ahh shur don't worry about it, you have less than me this week" .... in the expectation that when I was having a bad week that it would work both ways, unfortunately this hasn't been the case.

@Chuckythetree.. he can actually be a bit lax with memory even with other things but the thing is he wouldn't forget if I owed him money. He would never ask me for it but I would say "oh I owe you €20.." and he would be like "yeah you do.." and I would give it to him.

I know I should probably talk to him but I'm not sure how to approach the subject, I have always hated talking about money, it's just the way I was raised, I don't want to seem mean... I know I'm not but it's just trying to word it.

Gongoozler

I agree it sounds like he's taking the piss but as a couple do you really want to be watching every euro owed here and there too? I mean who remembers buying something for €26?!

Have a word with him about it, in terms of you're both on the same money, and it's a little unfair that you pay for more things than him. However I would leave out the difference in money spent on gifts, that's completely up to you. Spend it or don't spend it. Don't resent him for not spending more on you. He can hardly enjoy the things you get him knowing you'll be expecting the exact amount back in your next gift.
God, sounds awful.

retro:electro

Buddy Holly wrote: »

These two were my favourite!

Am what?

retro:electro

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I got a good lol from these two lines.

We rarely eat out and when we do I always offer to pay my share but my bf being the nice guy he is always wants to pay. Why don't you concentrate on giving advice to the op instead of picking apart my reply.

LegacyUser

@gongoozler I can see how you might think I am watching every euro, I knew the price of the item he returned because when I went to change the top he got me for another size I had to get the receipt. I know what you mean about not mentioning about the gifts but he was there with me and picked out his stuff the last time.... if someone asked me to pick out what I wanted for my birthday I certainly wouldn't pick something worth way more than what I would be spending on them. I would probably have gotten over the whole birthday thing if it wasn't for the other stuff to be honest. It does sound awful because this whole thread is filled with this one problem, honestly it's a minor part of our relationship and everything else is great. I just need to figure out how to bring it up I suppose. Thanks for the response.

jaja321

anna080 wrote: »

Me and my bf are always broke but when we go for dinner he wouldn't dream of taking money off me, if he couldn't afford it we just wouldn't go. Sometimes we split, mostly he pays and rarely I'd pay, simply because he wouldn't allow it..

Why wouldn't he allow it?

retro:electro

jaja321 wrote: »

Why wouldn't he allow it?

Don't know really, perhaps because it is so rare when we do eat out that he would like to treat me. Anyway this is not my issue so people need to focus on the op's issues not my reply.

jaja321

anna080 wrote: »

Don't know really, perhaps because it is so rare when we do eat out that he would like to treat me. Anyway this is not my issue so people need to focus on the op's issues not my reply.

True that. Apologies if derailing!

Tramps Like Us

OP you are spending too much money on him and as a result have unrealistic expectations

strandroad

He is somewhat tight all right but then you are oveshooting massively. You are essentially an unwaged person but you're getting people €200 gifts... You need to meet in the middle! Shared account is a good idea and you should both discuss your birthday expectations. For example, that a birthday *should* be marked, but €50 is the limit.

LegacyUser

anna080 we go out a lot, we both earn the same amount of money so I wouldn't really be expecting him to be paying for stuff because just because he's a man. I just want things to be more balanced.

Tramps_like_us, you have a point. The birthday issue alone wouldn't be a problem for me if the other stuff wasn't happening too, and the other stuff I probably wouldn't even notice if it wasn't highlighted by the birthday issue.

I am also super conscious of the fact I had similar issues with my last boyfriend. We were together for 6 years and I literally supported him throughout the last few years of our relationship when he was unemployed/being a lazy bastard. It's probably why I'm so conscious of all those euros more than him I am spending as I don't want another repeat of the last fiasco, but then again I am obviously somewhat enabling it if it's happening again albeit at a much lesser degree!!!

Merkin

You need to talk to him about it or you're just going to seethe with resentment. If you love the guy so much and this is the one thing that really grates on you and causes you angst then you need to be upfront. As far as the insurance goes, you split it fifty/fifty, no more freeloading and both of you contribute equally. You then need to discuss your respective attitudes to money and gift giving and be very clear (both of you) on what your expectations are. Seems like you just need to clear the air and set out some mutually agreeable guidelines. So for example he has €150 to spend on you on your birthday, tell him you'd like a specific gift/spa treatments/pair of shoes or whatever rather than spending it on a hotel room and then you ending up out of pocket. TALK to him!

Geomy

Hi OP,

Your seem to be able to manage your money quite well, I am working full time have a car on the road, a mortgage and child maintenance to pay.

I can't remember the last time I had 200 euro to spare let alone have enough money to spend a night away.

You sound like you're well able to manage your outgoings, maybe he is just really bad at managing his money, or spends above his means.

LegacyUser

@mhge & Merkin... yeah we definitely both need to discuss our expectations regarding gifts. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow about the renewal of our insurance and suggest that we open a joint account so we can share our costs more evenly. I think I'm going to leave the gift discussion for the next time there is a gift to be bought. Hopefully the joint account will have balanced everything else out by then. Thanks for replying.

@Geomy, thanks. I don't think our situations are comparable as I don't have children or a mortgage!!! My boyfriend is actually better at managing day to day money than I am, he usually ends up having more left at the end of the week than I do so that really isn't the issue.

scallywaggles

It is possible that he is sitting there thinking that you blow through your money too easily, over spending on birthday presents etc but you'll never know until you talk to him. At the end of the day you want to be in a relationship with this guy, and one of the things that you will eventually have to talk about is money, so why not talk about it now rather than letting your resentment towards his attitude to money destroy any chance at having a lasting relationship.

liz lemoncello

sunflower27 wrote: »

No, he is tight remember. He can afford an extra €50 on booze when it suits him. He has a little fund for a rainy day because he doesn't split the cost of things with his partner.

And, as the OP says,

We share a car and I pay the insurance monthly from my account, he has contributed probably one third of what he was supposed to.

So, gifts aside, he's not pulling his weight.

LegacyUser

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all. He is quite happy to let you pay for things and even when he has some more money he is not willing to spend it on you. This is what I have noticed from your post

You are both on a limited income but you end up paying for
a) Extra rounds of drinks on a night out ( how much does this cost you?)
b) takeaways and taxis home
( the takeaway could cost you €20 and the taxi home €15 to €20 a night out)
c) Even for your birthday he will give you as little as possible.

Along with this you share a car with him but despite this you paid most of the car insurance last year and he still owes you money for this. I would tell him you still owe me x amount for last years car insurance and I want this back. When the insurance becomes due this year I will get it only in my name as I can't afford to pay for you as well. Let him know that your not going to sub him in regards to this.
Tell him if he wants car insurance it will cost him x amount a month & you want this paid by standing order into your bank account on the 1st of each month.
I would not get a joint account with him as if you brake up he could be gone with your money.

The next night you go out with him at the start of the night I would tell if you want to buy an extra round of drinks don't ask me for the money as I don't have it. I would also tell him I hope you have plenty of money tonight as I can't afford the taxi home.
If he wants a takeaway tell him you will ring for this once he gives you the money.

I know you are not keen to say this to your boyfriend but the reality is that you can't afford to keep subbing his lifestyle.
My feeling is that your boyfriend knows the value of everything and this was learned at home. He is quite happy for you to keep paying his bills so he can keep more of his money.
If I was going out with this man I would tell him that you have noticed all the times you pay for the extra round of drinks, the takeaway and the taxi home.
I would also tell him that despite you paying for all these things that even when you had some extra money you would not bring me out for a night without expecting me to pay half the cost for a meal.

Put it this way the €20 a week you spend on a taxi home is €20 x 40 week a year = €800. The takeaway every week is €20 x 52 = €1040 a year.
I know what it is like to live on a limited budget so been hit for this kind of money on a regular basis means a lot to you.
If you could put this money aside it could help you move abroad for better career prospects or to do some traveling if this is what you want to do.

I would then tell him that you can't afford to sub his lifestyle and that unless he changes his ways you will end things with him.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, it is very helpful to see other peoples views on it.

@sunflower thanks! Yeah, see that's the thing I do know he is tight, this is why I am noticing every extra euro I spend even though in the grand scheme of things it's not a whole lot, but why isn't he ever the one to be spending the few euro extra? To be honest, I didn't mind him returning the gift, it didn't fit him and he had been meaning to return it for ages, I wouldn't have minded just getting that top if he was genuinely broke but the fact we went to a party that weekend and he had more than enough cash just hit a nerve with me, especially considering that I would always make sacrifices to get him something nice. I don't know, I just kind of wanted him to make more of a fuss for my birthday and he didn't which combined with the crappy present and the general taking the piss it's making me mad.

@wisewoman thanks for your reply, however it is nowhere near as bad as what is coming across in your posts. For the most part, we do split things 50/50 when we are out, but if it is ever uneven then I am the one who seems to be paying extra.
The extra round would be where it is my turn to buy a round but I was the first one to buy the round so have gotten caught with the extra expense. Sometimes I'm the one to pay for the taxi, it might be as simple as we pull up outside his house and I would have the money out quicker, he might only have a 50 and I would have smaller change so I would pay in the expectation that he would sort me out afterwards but then doesn't. Like, I honestly wouldn't even mind if that did happen every once in a while.... if it worked both ways which it never seems to and I just note him to be a bit tight with things in his own life which is probably why I'm taking so much notice.
I'm not worried about us breaking up and him running off with the money to be honest, for one we actually have a very good relationship despite what it may seem like in this thread as I am just focusing in on this issue which is honestly a tiny part of our relationship. He is not an asshole, he is very sweet, kind, caring, honest and he would never do something like that to me if we did break up, but I can't see us ever breaking up, not even because of this. I do know I need to deal with it though as I could quite possibly begin to resent him for it but as I said it is a minor part of our relationship.

I do know I need to speak with him, I find it very difficult to talk about money though, I think it's to do with the way I was raised. I can never bring myself to ask someone for money if they owe it to me or it is someone's round or whatever, I know this is my hangup and it's probably adding fuel to the fire when it comes to my relationship issue because if he is tight he is obviously not going to offer the money!! Ughh!

Gongoozler

It is a really hard thing to talk about in a relationship, without seeming like it's all about money. I suppose as long as he knows you care about him and love being around him, it should go ok. Just try be tactful

Katgurl

Ok if you can't talk about it in a general way you are going to have to get your point across with specific actions.

Firstly, say to him that he needs to get the next two months car insurance because he still owes you for the other two.

When you're out for a drink, sit down and tell him what you want so he gets the first round.

In the taxi just wait it out till he pays his share. If he doesn't remind him in morning that he needs to pay you back.

And he is scabby. I have a friend like this. He probably gets anxious about relinquishing his money but that's not your problem.

I like treating people and feeling generous but when I suspect I'm being taken advantage of its hurtful. I'd imagine that's what is going on here.

I think you should come to an agreement too about the excessive birthday gifts. You are spending an awful lot (again - I've been here and it's horrible wondering was I actually taken for a ride).

username123

The problem is, even if you discuss this issue with him and he resolves to be more fair, tightness is an inherent personality trait - he will ALWAYS be tight, he will just try to hide it better from you.

I couldnt go out with someone tight myself, I really think its an awful way to be. It doesnt matter how nice the person is in other ways, trying to save buying the last round or takeaway or always looking for the easy ride is not attractive at all.

Id also worry what this bodes for the future. Its one thing now, when you are both reasonably independent and dont live together, but what if you move in, settle down, have babies - are you always going to be picking up the tab? How would you support yourself on maternity leave or through redundancy/illness, would you be able to ask him for money if he was the only one earning? Tightness is something that you really have to look to the future about because if its showing up now before you even live together, whats it going to be like later.

Also, you are spending far too much money on gifts etc...

runswithascript

OP, your boyfriend sounds like a scumbag and he should be ashamed of himself. I would strenuously caution against opening a joint account with him due to how it may only make the problem worse. He may start dipping into it. After all you have told us would you really feel comfortable with him having direct access to your money even when you are not around?

anna080 wrote: »

Honesty? Your boyfriend is living the good life free and easy having to pay less than his fair share and you picking up the bill most of the time.

anna080 wrote: »

Me and my bf are always broke but when we go for dinner he wouldn't dream of taking money off me, if he couldn't afford it we just wouldn't go. Sometimes we split, mostly he pays and rarely I'd pay, simply because he wouldn't allow it.
I don't know OP, it seems to me your bf is enjoying this easy ride.

anna080, it must be said it sounds like the OP's boyfriend is the only one riding for easy. You are a hypocrite and from your use of double standards a sexist. You should consider this thread and point your observational lens at your own relationship the next time your boyfriend will 'not allow' you pay for dinner

retro:electro

dusf wrote: »

OP, your boyfriend sounds like a scumbag and he should be ashamed of himself. I would strenuously caution against opening a joint account with him due to how it may only make the problem worse. He may start dipping into it. After all you have told us would you really feel comfortable with him having direct access to your money even when you are not around?





anna080, it must be said it sounds like the OP's boyfriend is the only one riding for easy. You are a hypocrite and from your use of double standards a sexist. You should consider this thread and point your observational lens at your own relationship the next time your boyfriend will 'not allow' you pay for dinner

Like I have already said, we rarely go for dinner and when we sometimes split the bill, but mostly ya he does pay, and that's not because I don't volunteer my half or anything but it's because it's so rare when we do eat out (maybe 6 times a year in total) that my bf mostly pays as a treat. Not because I want him to or because I'm a scab, but because he wants to. Maybe "not allow" were the wrong words to choose, he's not forceful with it or anything, he just does it sometimes to be nice. Don't know why people see this as such a problem tbh. How you can label me sexist for that is ridiculous and totally insulting.

username123

anna080 wrote: »

Don't know why people see this as such a problem tbh.

I think its because your original post said this:

anna080 wrote: »

Your boyfriend is living the good life free and easy having to pay less than his fair share and you picking up the bill most of the time.

anna080 wrote: »

Me and my bf are always broke but when we go for dinner he wouldn't dream of taking money off me, if he couldn't afford it we just wouldn't go.

It just sounded that although you are both in the same situation re money (broke), he gets to pay for the treats. I noticed the irony myself but I guessed you didnt intend it that way.

retro:electro

username123 wrote: »

I think its because your original post said this:





It just sounded that although you are both in the same situation re money (broke), he gets to pay for the treats. I noticed the irony myself but I guessed you didnt intend it that way.

No I certainly didn't intend it to be that way. I was just pointing out to the op that it's not unusual for her to be treated every now and again. Anyway I don't know why I'm defending myself here this isn't my issue. My bf has never had a problem with doing those kind of things, he certainly never started a thread on boards complaining about it anyway.

Tokyo

Can I remind everyone to keep the thread on-topic and directed towards the OP's issue?

Regards,
Mike

Flippyfloppy

The insurance is definitely a huge issue. One that needs rectifying! How is he with petrol in the car? How do you decide who had the car when you don't live together?

Is it possible that on nights out OP that you are so generous come the end of the night that he doesn't get a chance to pay? Do you insist on paying? Would he take or leave the takeaway or last round ?

What would happen if you left your purse at home on a night out/birthday weekend away?

Is it possible that he promised himself before he went back to college that he would scrimp and save until he was working again and can live the good life? Is he grateful to you spending money on him, does he value it?

Lastly is it possible that his mommy is in his ear going 'don't be wasting all your money on X!!!'

LegacyUser

@username123 your right, he probably will always be a little tight and I'm not tight at all and I suppose we are stark opposites when it comes to money so it's obviously what is causing the problem. At the moment we are both in college, I do work and most of this goes towards my college fees, I don't make it a habit of talking about money all the time where as if he was broke he does go on about it a bit. Maybe because I'm not talking about it all the time he thinks I'm more flush with cash, I don't know. He is quite frugal with his money, will penny pinch where possible and maybe it's just because he is a student, when we got together he was unemployed as he like many other men around the country with trades was out of work, hence why he went back to college.

@dusf..... Are you serious? A scumbag? He is far from a scumbag and I never said anything about him being a thief, in all fairness get a grip this is beyond exaggeration.

@Flippyfloppy thanks for the response, to answer your questions.

1. The car is an old banger that a family member of mine gave to him when leaving the country so he could go to and from college. I am insured as the main driver only so that I can have the benefit of open driving as I have a number of cars to choose from in my household should I need it so petrol isn't an issue as I don't generally drive that car.

2. Yeah I can be quite generous, sometimes I will say "oh ill get it.." purely because it's my character but it's just getting annoying because he never does the same and never argues against me when I go to pay! I know I need to stop doing this, I have definitely gotten better.

3. If I left my purse at home he would definitely sort me out, I would take a loan from him and repay him the next day or whatever. Actually, something similar happened to him recently and when we got out I bought 2 rounds of drinks and then gave him €20. The next day he was like "oh I owe you €20" and then gave it back to me but no mention of the other 2 drinks I had bought. It sounds petty but when this kind of thing happens often it does start to wear you down.

4. Possibly, he is definitely looking forward to getting back to making money in the future, im not sure he will be any different when it comes to splitting costs, I suppose it's something I will have to wait and see. He definitely appreciates the nice gifts get him, he talks about it for ages afterwards and is genuinely thankful. When it comes to all the other small bits though it seems like he takes it for granted, like he doesn't even realize I'm paying more.

5. YES! This happens all the time, it's why I mentioned it in my first post. Sometimes if we go out for dinner or do anything fun I will tell him specifically not to tell his mother how much we spent, purely because she has actually spoiled nights for us where we have went to his place after having a really good night out and then she has a heart attack at the amount of money we spent. To be clear, this isn't extravagant spending either it's just everything is about the money, it doesn't matter if we had a great night it's the money that matters in her eyes.

runswithascript

anna080 wrote: »

How you can label me sexist for that is ridiculous and totally insulting.

Because of your double standards for men and women. Also, if you wish to portray your own relationship as one the OP should use as an example to work towards you can expect others may comment.

anna080 wrote: »

My bf has never had a problem with doing those kind of things, he certainly never started a thread on boards complaining about it anyway.

As far as the OP's boyfriend is aware she 'never had a problem doing those kind of things, and she certainly never started a thread on boards complaining about it anyway'.

mike_ie wrote: »

Can I remind everyone to keep the thread on-topic and directed towards the OP's issue?

Regards,
Mike

No problem Mike, I just thought anna080's hypocrisy should not have been brushed aside earlier. It pisses me off there are so many money grabbing women out there, they need to get up off their asses and do something for themselves instead of expecting to be kept women, just like the OP's boyfriend.

retro:electro

dusf wrote: »

Because of your double standards for men and women. Also, if you wish to portray your own relationship as one the OP should use as an example to work towards you can expect others may comment.



As far as the OP's boyfriend is aware she 'never had a problem doing those kind of things, and she certainly never started a thread on boards complaining about it anyway'.



No problem Mike, I just thought anna080's hypocrisy should not have been brushed aside earlier. It pisses me off there are so many money grabbing women out there, they need to get up off their asses and do something for themselves instead of expecting to be kept women, just like the OP's boyfriend.

Lol, you seem to think you know a lot about me. Do you have a girlfriend? How horrible to think you can't even bring her for dinner and pay for it once in a blue moon without her being defined as "money grabbing". Just ridiculous stuff your coming out with altogether.

runswithascript

anna080 wrote: »

Lol, you seem to think you know a lot about me. Do you have a girlfriend? How horrible to think you can't even bring her for dinner and pay for it once in a blue moon without her being defined as "money grabbing". Just ridiculous stuff your coming out with altogether.

Yes I have a girlfriend, and yes I buy her dinner and she buys me dinner, the rest is none of your business as I am not holding up my relationship as an example the OP should work towards. Also, anna080 told us she rarely pays, so it is clear she is a kept woman, I hope she's worth it.

Neyite

Enough!

I'm going to hand out yellow cards to posters from here on in who are engaging in tit-for-tat and going against the charter, and the MOD REMINDER to stay on topic and address your replies TO THE OP.

Neyite

And any further digs to other posters will also result in cards being handed out.

runswithascript

OP, I think it is very important you make sure you are not in a relationship where you or your partner are paying for most things, even if it is just most things extra. Don't be a sucker.

turnikett1

dusf wrote: »

OP, your boyfriend sounds like a scumbag

:rolleyes:

OP I have been your boyfriend before, literally the exact same. Honestly my heart fell out of my mouth for a second reading the first few sentences of your post because I thought you actually were my partner Anyways, I was the same. I didn't realize that I was being stingey/not pulling my own weight until my girlfriend started giving out to me about it. Needless to say I've stopped since and I can see where I was at fault.

This isn't gonna get solved unless you talk to him, simple as. If you don't talk to him (preferrably in a polite, calm collected manner!) then he won't realize and you will start to feel baggaged and resentment will start to build up. Otherwise, I'm glad to know the 2 of you get on great! Obviously a very good sign. Just talk to him about it, it is literally the only way.

runswithascript

turnikett1 wrote: »

OP I have been your boyfriend before, literally the exact same.

moneymoneymoney666 wrote: »

I am also super conscious of the fact I had similar issues with my last boyfriend. We were together for 6 years and I literally supported him throughout the last few years of our relationship when he was unemployed/being a lazy bastard. It's probably why I'm so conscious of all those euros more than him I am spending as I don't want another repeat of the last fiasco

This boyfriend, or another boyfriend of the OP?

OP, if one of your ex boyfriends also uses boards and knows who you are is there any chance your latest boyfriend would stumble across this thread and discover you are discussing your relationship on the Internet before talking to him about it?

LegacyUser

@turnikett1 Thank you! :-) This helps a lot to know that someone can actually change this kind of behaviour. I sometimes feel there is no point in saying anything that it's his personality and it can't be changed but hearing your story helps. Thanks!

@dusf in regards to being a sucker, yes this is the whole point of the thread... to get advice on the matter of feeling like a sucker. I mentioned my ex so people might see that I am also probably enabling my boyfriend's behaviour, I have no idea what your talking about.

Heat_Wave

I haven't read any of the replies in this thread so my opinion is completely that of my own.

Basically OP, I disagree with you. I do not think your boyfriend sounds mean.

You say he's receiving a grant while you work part time to pay for your college fees. This relates back to your different upbringings as you specified. You cannot expect him to view money in the same manner which you do. If you choose to spend €250 on a gift for him, you cannot 'expect' him to spend the same amount in return. It doesn't work that way. My advice would be to spend less on him in future if his return 'cheaper' present is going to be an issue for you.

You also say he returned a gift you bought him and in return he spent the credit money on a top for you? That's quite sweet imo.

I think you need to cut the guy some slack.

You continuously state how 'it's the gesture', 'it's the thought that counts', yet you have overlooked all of his gestures because they haven't been as expensive as yours.

It's a bit mad imo.

ash23

Op, I was having a similar issue with my new boyfriend where I seemed to be paying for things a lot more than he was. Like he'd bring me out for dinner and pay but then I'd end up paying for drinks all night. Or I'd always be paying for takeaways etc. He even left it to me to buy condoms. I am better paid than he is, by a good bit, but I also have far more expenses than him.

After being together a few months he did something unbelievably stingy so I pulled him on it. Told him that he was being really tight and it was a trait I couldn't tolerate in a relationship. Explained that I worked damn hard to get to where I am in my career and am finally at a place where I can save and have spare cash but I didn't struggle for years to get to that point so that I can subsidise another person.

I was pretty harsh but what he had done was so mean I actually thought about ending it.

He nearly died. Admitted he was a bit tight but that I shouldn't be shy about asking for his half if I want him to pay or how is he to know it bothers me. So I agreed to be more vocal about what I want and he agreed to be more equal with stuff. Point is that he had no idea it was bothering me and because he's the type to say outright "you owe me for that taxi" that everyone is as forthright.

Just talk to him about evening things out a bit. The insurance is a great place to start.

Magicmatilda

It sounds like other than the insurance the issue is more that you are overgenerous. I don't mean that in a blame way but if you control your generousity it may reduce your resentments. Stop spending ridiculous amounts on Birthdays for a start. €250 and you are in college, that is madness. I have never spent that much on my boyfriend. Nor he on me.

Next time you are out and you get a take away or taxi - just say "i think it's your turn to get this one" instead of reaching for the cash. Then you can say oh and by the way you own me some cash for the insurance, i need that as I am short from going out to dinner last weekend. Basically just retrain him.

I also think a joint account for the car insurance is a good idea, as for people saying he is a scumbag who will run off with your money well, firstly, that is an exaggeration and secondly only put half the insurance in there.

You just need to redefine the boundries. I donlt think you need a big chat but you do need to change you behaviour and stop paying all the time.

LegacyUser

@Heat-Wave. Yes, I work to pay for my college fees, a grant covers his so we are both left with the same spendable income. It's not like I was brought up in a wealthy family, that's not the case!! My mother bought all our clothes from secondhand shops growing up!! The reason he gets a grant is that there are less people living in his home and the total income comes in under the threshold. My reference to the difference in upbringing was completely about their attitude towards money, that is.. always talking about the price of things, things being expensive etc etc!
I know what you mean about giving gifts and expecting the same back, as I have already said I would have been happy with the top and understanding of the fact he was broke that week except he seemed to have money for drink and other things the same week whereas when it comes to his birthday I would always have made sacrifices. I wouldn't just expect a big gift back but it's that on top of the fact he seems to take the piss with not paying for his half of things that is making me question it. I disagree with you but thanks for your input.

@ ash23 - Thanks, I know I should just pull him on it but everything just seems so petty and I really don't want to come across like I'm money mad!! I am not the type of person to usually confront someone about something either, I know I just need to grow a pair and say it though, I just get so embarrassed about talking about money. I do think the insurance is a good place to start too... at least that is something solid instead of pulling him on me buying an extra round or something which sounds petty!!

runswithascript

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I also think a joint account for the car insurance is a good idea, as for people saying he is a scumbag who will run off with your money well, firstly, that is an exaggeration and secondly only put half the insurance in there.

The exaggeration is your quoting of me. I never said he would run off with her money, I asked her if she would be comfortable with someone so stingy having access to her money, even when she is not there.

GreeBo

OP in my opinion you are spending way too much for a student, putting yourself in debt and causing agro in your relationship.

You shouldnt be buying things and then comparing what you get back, OR, if you are going to do this, stop spending so much when clearly the other person isnt willing to.

LegacyUser

dusf wrote: »

OP, your boyfriend sounds like a scumbag and he should be ashamed of himself. I would strenuously caution against opening a joint account with him due to how it may only make the problem worse. He may start dipping into it. After all you have told us would you really feel comfortable with him having direct access to your money even when you are not around?

dusf, I addressed you myself earlier aswell I think you may have missed it through all your nit picking. Anyway, as I said earlier my boyfriend is most certainly not a scumbag, your response was actually a serious exaggeration and he is definitely not a thief. Now, I have no idea what you were talking about when you were mentioning my ex-boyfriend, you just seem to be jumping to all sorts of conclusions throughout the thread!

@MagicMatilda - Thanks for your input. Yeah I do need to change my behaviour for sure, I was half thinking myself in the beginning to not say anything and just change myself. I might still do this, I think I will talk to him about next years insurance anyway and see how that goes, I might drop in a few statements here and there about me having paid more on not just the insurance.

Heat_Wave

moneymoneymoney666 wrote: »

@Heat-Wave. Yes, I work to pay for my college fees, a grant covers his so we are both left with the same spendable income. It's not like I was brought up in a wealthy family, that's not the case!! My mother bought all our clothes from secondhand shops growing up!! The reason he gets a grant is that there are less people living in his home and the total income comes in under the threshold. My reference to the difference in upbringing was completely about their attitude towards money, that is.. always talking about the price of things, things being expensive etc etc!
I know what you mean about giving gifts and expecting the same back, as I have already said I would have been happy with the top and understanding of the fact he was broke that week except he seemed to have money for drink and other things the same week whereas when it comes to his birthday I would always have made sacrifices. I wouldn't just expect a big gift back but it's that on top of the fact he seems to take the piss with not paying for his half of things that is making me question it. I disagree with you but thanks for your input.

It is your choice to make sacrifices to pay for a lavish birthday gift for him. He is not asking you to do that. He is not obliged to make sacrifices for you.

To put things into perspective, I've been going out with my boyfriend for several months now. He does nixers during the week and he has no expenses other than his car. So I know he has cash. Do I expect him to treat me to a super expensive meal on the weekend just because he has it? God no. He has a social life you know, he's entitled to blow it all on a night out with the lads or whatever.

It's self inflicted with you. A few comments back you clearly state that you often offer to pay by saying 'I'll get this'. That's your 'choice'.

LegacyUser

Heat_Wave wrote: »

It is your choice to make sacrifices to pay for a lavish birthday gift for him. He is not asking you to do that. He is not obliged to make sacrifices for you.

To put things into perspective, I've been going out with my boyfriend for several months now. He does nixers during the week and he has no expenses other than his car. So I know he has cash. Do I expect him to treat me to a super expensive meal on the weekend just because he has it? God no. He has a social life you know, he's entitled to blow it all on a night out with the lads or whatever.

It's self inflicted with you. A few comments back you clearly state that you often offer to pay by saying 'I'll get this'. That's your 'choice'.

I never expect him to treat me to a super expensive meal... EVER! We go halves on everything and as I said I always come out spending more. The reason I expected him to be paying on this one occasion was that he kept saying after my birthday that he would get me something when he had the cash, so when he had the cash and said he was treating me I did expect it!

Yes, I do 'sometimes' do that because as a couple we do go halves on things, sometimes I might buy the cinema tickets and he would get the sweets for example... when I offer to pay things I expect that he will buy something else in return to make things even. Yes it is a choice that I make... but he also makes the choice not the return the favour which in my eyes is a bit tight!