Family bickering and utter greed after death

Red Pepper

I thought it was some kind of defunct Irish stereotype that families got all greedy and fell out over wills/land/property/money etc but recent deaths in my family and my wife's family have really opened my eyes. I am astounded at how much people "change" and how other people become absolute vultures. Also any simmering resentments seem to bubble the surface no matter how historic those issues were. I do not want to give too much detail but I have seen family/in-law members tormented by other "crazy" relations when they really should be left to grieve.

Has anyone else experienced this or are my relations dysfunctional? If so, what is the best way to deal with this?

plasteritup

have seen someone suffer a mental breakdown at the hands of his so called immediate family,brother and mother after the death of his father,disgusting stuff.

Cantremember

If you are sure of your ground, play hardball. Legal approach, formal meetings. If abuse or demands develop, then log them and issue letters. Facing the reality of relationships early enables you to move on more healthily.

Red Pepper

Cantremember wrote: »

If you are sure of your ground, play hardball. Legal approach, formal meetings. If abuse or demands develop, then log them and issue letters. Facing the reality of relationships early enables you to move on more healthily.

Most of it is minor enough so far, as in not serious enough to get legal....yet. And I am pretty neutral and distant with a lot of it so far. But it's the change in people and the poor judgement and comments that surprise me. I thought people would be more considerate, they were all fine at the funerals but it didn't take long for the "politics" to develop and an air of menace to develop with different factions. I will step in as appropriate.

plasteritup

Cantremember wrote: »

If you are sure of your ground, play hardball. Legal approach, formal meetings. If abuse or demands develop, then log them and issue letters. Facing the reality of relationships early enables you to move on more healthily.

sad way to be with family isnt it,can honestly say me and my siblings,if a million quid was left to 1 of us and the other 3 got nothing,it would be split up over a drink like you would split the petrol money on a roadtrip.

Reggie.

Red Pepper wrote: »

Most of it is minor enough so far, as in not serious enough to get legal....yet. And I am pretty neutral and distant with a lot of it so far. But it's the change in people and the poor judgement and comments that surprise me. I thought people would be more considerate, they were all fine at the funerals but it didn't take long for the "politics" to develop and an air of menace to develop with different factions. I will step in as appropriate.

I'm afraid to say that i believe most families turn out this way after a death occurs

fineso.mom

It's a difficult situation but it helps if people try to keep in mind the wishes of the deceased. Of course not everyone will do that, especially if they feel they have been 'wronged'.
My aunt left me out of her will unintentionally it seems. She told her solicitor she wanted to leave X amount to her brother's children. The solicitor thought my father (her brother) only had sons and worded the will in such a way that I was not actually mentioned at all. My aunt obviously didn't notice when it was drawn up. (She had a lot of nieces and nephews). Anyway long story short the brothers divided the inheritance equally between 8 instead of 7 . No drama,no threats of legal action , no meanness or greed on the part of my brothers.
Now on the other hand, if some of them had not wanted to share and wanted to go by the exact wording of the will , then I would hope that I would have had the dignity to get over it , put it down to a mistake and still have a good relationship with my family and warm memories of a wonderful aunt.
Keep your cool and your self respect and try not to get caught up in the drama.

Reggie.

fineso.mom wrote: »

It's a difficult situation but it helps if people try to keep in mind the wishes of the deceased. Of course not everyone will do that, especially if they feel they have been 'wronged'.
My aunt left me out of her will unintentionally it seems. She told her solicitor she wanted to leave X amount to her brother's children. The solicitor thought my father (her brother) only had sons and worded the will in such a way that I was not actually mentioned at all. My aunt obviously didn't notice when it was drawn up. (She had a lot of nieces and nephews). Anyway long story short the brothers divided the inheritance equally between 8 instead of 7 . No drama,no threats of legal action , no meanness or greed on the part of my brothers.
Now on the other hand, if some of them had not wanted to share and wanted to go by the exact wording of the will , then I would hope that I would have had the dignity to get over it , put it down to a mistake and still have a good relationship with my family and warm memories of a wonderful aunt.
Keep your cool and your self respect and try not to get caught up in the drama.

Fair play to you. Can't say for sure that I would have had the restraint if the worst situation had played out

Red Pepper

It's not always wills, it's just people that not able to mind their own business and keeping butting in offering iffy advice...and by iffy I mean there are hidden agendas. For example I know one female relation who recently became a widow. A couple of her brothers are pressuring her into selling the family home (worth a few bob) and move into (a) son's house or (b) small apartment. In my opinion, it's way too soon to make huge decisions like that and I also suspect one brother might try and buy the house at a "family" price to "help her out". They haven't even asked the son if he is willing to take in his mother. Just leave it out, let the woman grieve and allow her to come looking for advice if required.

December2012

I think some of this is down to family dysfunction or lack of communication by the deceased.

I've seen some pretty bad home made Wills, I've seen children being told different things by their parents, and resentment over things that don't matter get heightened after somebody is bereaved.

A clear conversation with the deceased before they die would solve a lot of family disputes.

Big Bag of Chips

My in-laws have told my husband (the only sensible one of the family :P) that they have named him as the executor of their will. He has one brother with a mild disability who will inherit the house, and most of whatever else they have, which isn't much. My husband's sister, when she heard my husband was the executor said "Well you better not be getting a penny, you rich b*st*rd".

And it was only half in jest.

He's the only one out of 6 of them who went to college, his sisters left school at 14. We are the only ones who are "comfortable".. definitely not rich (we like to see pay day at the end of the month) but we manage.

He offered to speak to his parents and have her named as the executor instead of him if she thought he would be up to no good... and this is before any bereavement

Frigga_92

It is a horrible thing to go through.
Speaking from personal experience, I have found the most straightforward way to sort out these matters when they start to go out of control is to just leave it to the solicitors to fight it all out and allow it all to be sorted in a professional, information based manner leaving aside the emotions of the family members involved.
My husband's father passed away 3 years ago and he has been living a nightmare for the past 3 years due to greed and dishonesty. Due to all the problems caused, the estate has just now been sorted out in the past 3 months.

Thirst for money makes people do things you never thought they'd do and makes them unrecognisable.

Red Pepper

26sdrawkcab wrote: »

Thirst for money makes people do things you never thought they'd do and makes them unrecognisable.

Well said.

Mars Bar

Land always seems to be a big issue and in my extended family, it appears to be the least deserving who is getting any thing.

I'm glad there's just me and my sister. We'll just half everything!