Recent bereavement digging up memories

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm going unreg for this one, it's a bit sensitive.

My Mum passed away a few years ago, after a bit of a battle with cancer. I've had a terrible time since then with other bits of my life which I won't get into here- It's been rough, but it's getting better. But a few days ago, my partners grandmother (who pretty much raised her) passed away.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm upset by her death- she was very old, and I didn't really know her all that well. I am upset for my partner, because it's tough on her, and I am sad because I did like her gran. I want to be there to support her but I'm finding it really hard. This is all bringing up memories of my Mums death, and I guess I'm not as ok with it as I thought. I still feel resentment because my partner went on holidays with her family for a fortnight a few days after we buried Mum, and kind of left me alone when I needed her. I thought I was over that too but I guess I'm not. There are other issues in our relationship that we're causing a bit of strain before all this, and now I feel like I'm reaching a kind of breaking point.

I guess I'm wondering how I can be there for my partner? I feel bitchy, but I can't seem to stop myself. I haven't said anything horrible but I'm thinking stuff that I'm not happy about. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, since we've been together so long now that we pretty much only have mutual friends.

If anyone has any suggestions, please say. I want to care for my partner, because I love her, but don't know how to stem the negative feelings I have towards her.

kerry4sam

Badmemories wrote: »

Hi guys,

I'm going unreg for this one, it's a bit sensitive.

My Mum passed away a few years ago, after a bit of a battle with cancer. I've had a terrible time since then with other bits of my life which I won't get into here- It's been rough, but it's getting better. But a few days ago, my partners grandmother (who pretty much raised her) passed away.

I'm not going to lie and say I'm upset by her death- she was very old, and I didn't really know her all that well. I am upset for my partner, because it's tough on her, and I am sad because I did like her gran. I want to be there to support her but I'm finding it really hard. This is all bringing up memories of my Mums death, and I guess I'm not as ok with it as I thought. I still feel resentment because my partner went on holidays with her family for a fortnight a few days after we buried Mum, and kind of left me alone when I needed her. I thought I was over that too but I guess I'm not. There are other issues in our relationship that we're causing a bit of strain before all this, and now I feel like I'm reaching a kind of breaking point.

I guess I'm wondering how I can be there for my partner? I feel bitchy, but I can't seem to stop myself. I haven't said anything horrible but I'm thinking stuff that I'm not happy about. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, since we've been together so long now that we pretty much only have mutual friends.

If anyone has any suggestions, please say. I want to care for my partner, because I love her, but don't know how to stem the negative feelings I have towards her.

Ah badmemories I am sorry to read your story here

I'm thinking the best option for you now personally would be to speak with a Bereavement Councillor. Them as opposed to a normal councillor a GP might recommend as they would have the experience in helping you to speak about you Late Loving Mom and everything you're thinking & still feeling about your loss.
Feel that would be important right now tbh as you should speak with someone. It could be of more benefit that you imagine and could assist with you & your wife long-term.
Just a suggestion.


Now, in saying the above, I never met with a councillor. The absolute hell; torment and immense pain I've been feeling since my Late Loving Dad passed away on 20-Dec-13; it would've been my Dad I would've spoken to about so have not actually opened up or spoken to anyone.

It just seems like the best solution for you in this instance though. The issues you speak of should be aired, but perhaps you speaking about them with a councillor could assist you in raising them with your partner

Hope that's of some assistance,
kerry4sam

December2012

It's hard - I'm sorry for you.

Right now you want to be there for your partner. So you could try and "park" your feelings about how they treated you when your mother died.

Ask your partner what they want, and do that.

Write down (here or in a private diary) any feelings you have about your treatment, or talk to a bereavement counselling service.

Now is not the time for recriminations or admonishment of your partner for the past.

It's possible you can bring it up again though, at a less "intense" time.

Also, remember that nobody really knows what it's like to lose a loved one until it happens to them.

The only people who ask me how I am a year or so after my dad died are other people who's dad has died.

Nobody else mentions it. It pisses me off, and then I remember that they are good people who simply don't know. It rocked my world and did very little to them.

And that's the way it is I'm afraid.

My condolences on your losses