Flatmate - small issue

Olive8585

Got a small issue with my flatmate! 4 of us in the house, the 2 guys have ensuites, so I share the main bathroom with another girl. There's only limited hot water in the mornings due to the way the heating/hot water works, so it runs out pretty quickly. After I moved in, the girl who was already there asked how we wanted to sort out showers in the morning - with the previous girl, they took turns going first. I was a bit annoyed that this issue wasn't brought up during the viewing, but never mind. I said I often showered at night and/or at the gym, so most of the time she should have the shower to herself in the morning, in what was supposed to be a nice gesture...I take a good while in the shower so didn't want to get in her way and I thought it would be easier to just shower at night when possible.

She has somehow interpreted my statement as "I will NEVER shower in the morning, ever". I went in in the morning yesterday because I'd got back too late to shower the night before and came out to her moaning in my face about how there would be no hot water left. Now, offering to shower at night was a nice gesture. I DO often shower at night, but I'd like the OPTION of showering in the morning if I feel like it or didn't have time the night before! It's my flat too, I'm paying the same rent! If I hadn't offered, she'd be having a cold shower every other day like she used to instead of only once or twice a month max.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I? I'm always made to feel like I'm in the wrong when I honestly go out of my way to be considerate to people and make their life easier. Is there something I'm missing here before I say it to her that I'm being nice by agreeing to let her have the shower most mornings and that it isn't a binding agreement?

allym

Olive8585 wrote: »

Got a small issue with my flatmate! 4 of us in the house, the 2 guys have ensuites, so I share the main bathroom with another girl. There's only limited hot water in the mornings due to the way the heating/hot water works, so it runs out pretty quickly. After I moved in, the girl who was already there asked how we wanted to sort out showers in the morning - with the previous girl, they took turns going first. I was a bit annoyed that this issue wasn't brought up during the viewing, but never mind. I said I often showered at night and/or at the gym, so most of the time she should have the shower to herself in the morning, in what was supposed to be a nice gesture...I take a good while in the shower so didn't want to get in her way and I thought it would be easier to just shower at night when possible.

She has somehow interpreted my statement as "I will NEVER shower in the morning, ever". I went in in the morning yesterday because I'd got back too late to shower the night before and came out to her moaning in my face about how there would be no hot water left. Now, offering to shower at night was a nice gesture. I DO often shower at night, but I'd like the OPTION of showering in the morning if I feel like it or didn't have time the night before! It's my flat too, I'm paying the same rent! If I hadn't offered, she'd be having a cold shower every other day like she used to instead of only once or twice a month max.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I? I'm always made to feel like I'm in the wrong when I honestly go out of my way to be considerate to people and make their life easier. Is there something I'm missing here before I say it to her that I'm being nice by agreeing to let her have the shower most mornings and that it isn't a binding agreement?

To be honest, I can kind of see where your flatmate is coming from.
She brought the shower thing up with you as a possible issue and looking to come up with some agreement/routine to solve it. You told her you don't really use the shower in the morning, so she probably thought "Great problem solved!".

I agree that obviously there are going to be times when you'll need to shower in the morning, but what you should have done was come up with an agreement about what to do then.

You're not wrong for wanting to use the shower, but equally she's not wrong for assuming you would stick to the agreement. If it was the other way around, and you thought you were the only one using the shower in the morning but then got up one day to find her already in it, I'm sure you wouldn't be happy either.

I think you need to make a new agreement about what happens the odd time you need to shower in the morning. I wouldn't go with the whole "I'm being nice by letting you use it thing" because you chose to say you'll shower at night or at the gym, no one asked you to give up morning showers. It might just rile her up and cause an argument, when really it should be a simple discussion.

coolemon

Well I think in this situation its best to just stick to a set routine - particularly if the water is so limited. The option of using the shower when you feel like it dosnt seem to be a reasonable possibility if the hot water is so limited.

I guess you should explain to her what you meant initially. But if intending to break an agreed routine in this situation I think you should inform them when doing so. "Oh, im just going to take a shower". Oh, is it ok if I have a shower" etc.

username123

Im not seeing how you made a big nice gesture? You get hot showers, she gets hot showers. Otherwise you both get a cold shower every second day. How exactly is that you going out of your way to make her life easier? It suits you.

Then you appear in the shower in the morning without prior notice? Id be put out too if I were her.

In a situation with hot water lacking I think you need to make an arrangement and stick to it. If you missed your nightly shower you could have let her go first next morning.

littlelulu

username123 wrote: »

Im not seeing how you made a big nice gesture? You get hot showers, she gets hot showers. Otherwise you both get a cold shower every second day. How exactly is that you going out of your way to make her life easier? It suits you.

Then you appear in the shower in the morning without prior notice? Id be put out too if I were her.

In a situation with hot water lacking I think you need to make an arrangement and stick to it. If you missed your nightly shower you could have let her go first next morning.

I agree with this. I'd be annoyed too.

The setup is you go at night and her at morning. If you need to go in the morning then she gets priority and you follow. If she needs one at night, you get priority and she follows. Simple!

Let her know when you need one in the morning, even if its just sticking a note on the bathroom door and ask if she could leave some hot water.

Sadderday

Could you not have tapped on her door and told her you needed to hop in for a quick shower .....

I know it would be nice to use the shower whenever - without answering to anyone but you are sharing it with each other.

Work out a better system, one of you needs to get up earlier!

Immaculata

Another option might be to get your landlord to agree to install an instant electric shower. Or failing that, buy one yourself and pay a professional to install it. It's a bit of an investment (a little over 100 euros for the unit + what the installation costs are) but I think it would be worth it. You and the lady could split the costs, even.

lau1247

maybe I'm not reading it right but why can't you heat more water (When she is already in there)??

IMO if you have a set agreement that you shower at night but you intend to shower in the morning sometimes, it makes sense to just let her know the night before that you will use it in the next morning and to leave some hot water for you (i.e. don't use as much).

Olive8585

I think the issue here is that we did agree to take turns to go first - I just mentioned that I could shower at night a lot of the time to solve the problem, so it wouldn't even need to be every other day, but far less than that. I'm not saying it was a big gesture, but I was making her life easier and mine harder by offering to try to shower at night or at the gym wherever possible instead of us both having a cold shower every other day. It doesn't particularly suit me - if I were living alone, I'd shower in the morning far more often, but this seemed like a good way to avoid unnecessary hassle and cold showers for both of us. She was delighted to hear this, obviously, but took it me NEVER being allowed to shower in the mornings.

I do see it from her point of view, but honestly, if I'd been having a cold shower every other morning for a year, and a new flatmate moved in and offered to basically let me have it to myself almost every morning, no I wouldn't be annoyed the odd time they needed to use it. I'd be a bit annoyed that I wouldn't be getting my hot shower as expected, obviously, but I wouldn't be annoyed with the other person.

I would have knocked on her door, but it would have woken her up, and she'd have been annoyed about that too. And she probably would have expected me to let her go first because she seems to think that's her right. The way I see it, she'd already had her hot shower the day before as agreed, so why would she feel entitled to go first?

It's not really a case of leaving hot water - once one person has showered, there really is none left for the other person, who has to have a cold shower or go without.

I just feel like I've given her an inch and she's taken a mile. If we'd started off having cold showers every other day, she'd have been delighted for it to change to her having a cold shower only every 2-3 weeks, but because it started off with me showering almost exclusively at night, she got used to having her own way and she now begrudges me the odd shower in the morning. Do you see what I mean?

JohnDx

What to do is, have a shower tonight and then in the morning get up early and use up all the hot water in both showers so as to annoy everyone in the gaff.

username123

Well you're obviously feeling put out by thus so my advice to you would be to assert your shower rights and go back to a morning shower every other morning. That way everyone is equal and you don't feel someone is taking a mile from you on the back of a proffered inch.

Olive8585

username123 wrote: »

Well you're obviously feeling put out by thus so my advice to you would be to assert your shower rights and go back to a morning shower every other morning. That way everyone is equal and you don't feel someone is taking a mile from you on the back of a proffered inch.

I don't understand why you think I shouldn't feel put out. I'm going out of my way to make it so that neither of us need to have a cold shower most of the time and the very odd time I do need a morning shower, I'm made to feel like I'm doing something wrong. She expected me to go without a shower rather than have one in the morning because this one time I actually did what I wanted with my evening rather than rushed home to get my shower.

She has a great deal - she gets up almost every single day and gets a nice hot shower, while I'm supposed to either have one at night or go to work with dirty hair? Why is only one of us making any sort of compromise then? I'd love to have a hot shower every morning, but I know that's unreasonable to expect, so why does she now feel entitled to it?

allym

Olive8585 wrote: »

I don't understand why you think I shouldn't feel put out. I'm going out of my way to make it so that neither of us need to have a cold shower most of the time and the very odd time I do need a morning shower, I'm made to feel like I'm doing something wrong. She expected me to go without a shower rather than have one in the morning because this one time I actually did what I wanted with my evening rather than rushed home to get my shower.

She has a great deal - she gets up almost every single day and gets a nice hot shower, while I'm supposed to either have one at night or go to work with dirty hair? Why is only one of us making any sort of compromise then? I'd love to have a hot shower every morning, but I know that's unreasonable to expect, so why does she now feel entitled to it?

Because you're the one who decided to shower at night! If you feel she's getting the better deal why would you have suggested this in the first place?

username123

Olive8585 wrote: »

I don't understand why you think I shouldn't feel put out. I'm going out of my way to make it so that neither of us need to have a cold shower most of the time and the very odd time I do need a morning shower, I'm made to feel like I'm doing something wrong. She expected me to go without a shower rather than have one in the morning because this one time I actually did what I wanted with my evening rather than rushed home to get my shower.

She has a great deal - she gets up almost every single day and gets a nice hot shower, while I'm supposed to either have one at night or go to work with dirty hair? Why is only one of us making any sort of compromise then? I'd love to have a hot shower every morning, but I know that's unreasonable to expect, so why does she now feel entitled to it?

Because you said you'd shower at night or in the gym. Why did you do that if it was an inconvenience for you? I got the impression from your first post that it suited you to shower at night because it meant that you always got a hot shower and because you like to take your time in the shower. If it's a hassle for you then you should never have made that offer. Pro tip, don't offer to do things that you don't really want to do cos you end up resentful when people are not full of appreciation for your perceived good deeds.

So reassert shower normality and do every other morning hot showers. Then you don't feel out out, she doesn't get surprised by your unexpected appearance in the shower and everyone is equal.

Olive8585

allym wrote: »

Because you're the one who decided to shower at night! If you feel she's getting the better deal why would you have suggested this in the first place?

Yes, because she wasn't offering any other alternative but for one of us to have a cold shower every other day. I put it forward as an idea based on the fact that MOST OF THE TIME, showering at night is an OK option for me. I did not say that I was agreeing to do this every single day for the rest of my time in this flat! This seemed like the best way for both of us to have hot showers as often as possible. She did not offer to shower at night or to go without showers so I could sometimes go in the morning.

I think the problem is that my offer to solve this issue by showering at night as much as possible was taken as a promise to never shower in the morning, which to me is just bizarre. She's still far, far better off than she would be if I showered in the morning every day, but apparently most of you see it from her side too.

Olive8585

username123 wrote: »

Because you said you'd shower at night or in the gym. Why did you do that if it was an inconvenience for you? I got the impression from your first post that it suited you to shower at night because it meant that you always got a hot shower and because you like to take your time in the shower. If it's a hassle for you then you should never have made that offer. Pro tip, don't offer to do things that you don't really want to do cos you end up resentful when people are not full of appreciation for your perceived good deeds.

So reassert shower normality and do every other morning hot showers. Then you don't feel out out, she doesn't get surprised by your unexpected appearance in the shower and everyone is equal.

Yep, I said I'd do that OFTEN. Not ALWAYS! It's usually not a major inconvenience for me, but sometimes it is, obviously. Sometimes I want to stay out late and not rush home so I can have a shower because I'm not 'allowed' to have one in the morning. I'm prepared to put up with that hassle most of the time to make things run smoothly, but the odd time I want to do as she does and get up in the morning and shower, why is it a problem?

username123

I think most people just like routine, even if that routine is not as nice as mostly having morning hot showers. I would prefer routine agreed upon shower mornings than to be surprised by suddenly not being able to have a morning shower at the whim of someone else. The uncertainty would be worse than the routine.

Olive8585

username123 wrote: »

I think most people just like routine, even if that routine is not as nice as mostly having morning hot showers. I would prefer routine agreed upon shower mornings than to be surprised by suddenly not being able to have a morning shower at the whim of someone else. The uncertainty would be worse than the routine.

But I'm not stopping her having a shower. It's not a timing issue. She still showers at the same time every day whether or not I have mine in the morning. Her problem was that she now expects a hot shower every single day, and expects me to go to work without one if the odd time I haven't been able to shower at night.

username123

Olive8585 wrote: »

But I'm not stopping her having a shower. It's not a timing issue. She still showers at the same time every day whether or not I have mine in the morning. Her problem was that she now expects a hot shower every single day, and expects me to go to work without one if the odd time I haven't been able to shower at night.

I meant hot shower. The uncertain nature of not knowing when you'd suddenly decide to use up the water would do someone's head in.

Olive8585

username123 wrote: »

I meant hot shower. The uncertain nature of not knowing when you'd suddenly decide to use up the water would do someone's head in.

Why?

So you'd rather know you'd have a cold shower every other day than unexpectedly have one once a month? I could understand this if she would have made other plans like showering at the gym or the night before if she'd known the water would be cold, but she doesn't. She showers at the same time every day regardless.

I don't even think it's the unexpectedness, tbh. I told her I'd need to shower in the mornings more now and she really wasn't happy about it at all. She seems to think I 'promised' to shower at night, rather than offered to do it when I could.

athtrasna

Can you both not take short showers in the morning and therefore have enough hot water? OP you've said you like to take a long time in the shower, well there are lots of things I like but can't do in on a regular basis. Maybe use a combined shampoo & conditioner to save time?

Olive8585

athtrasna wrote: »

Can you both not take short showers in the morning and therefore have enough hot water? OP you've said you like to take a long time in the shower, well there are lots of things I like but can't do in on a regular basis. Maybe use a combined shampoo & conditioner to save time?

That's not really the issue. I don't take any longer than my flatmate, but I don't like feeling rushed when I know someone will be needing to go in after me, which is why offering to go in the evenings when possible seemed like a good compromise. There is very little hot water and if I go in at 7.00am, it's really cold by the time she gets up towards 9.

username123

Olive8585 wrote: »

Why?

So you'd rather know you'd have a cold shower every other day than unexpectedly have one once a month? I could understand this if she would have made other plans like showering at the gym or the night before if she'd known the water would be cold, but she doesn't. She showers at the same time every day regardless.

I don't even think it's the unexpectedness, tbh. I told her I'd need to shower in the mornings more now and she really wasn't happy about it at all. She seems to think I 'promised' to shower at night, rather than offered to do it when I could.

Yes. I'd prefer routine. The uncertainty would drive me demented worrying about if you were going to suddenly decide to take the hot water tomorrow, or for a week in a row, or when. I wouldn't like you being in control of my hot showers like that. I get that you're not seeing that, but a lot of people prefer routine in shared living environments.

Feck her if she is unhappy at normal shower privileges being re asserted. That's not your problem.

On a side issue, how in the name of blazes is there only enough hot water for 1 shower in the morning! Can you not all ask the landlord for an electric shower? Or could you not both have shorter showers if something? 1 hot shower before the water is gone seems mad.

Olive8585

username123 wrote: »

Yes. I'd prefer routine. The uncertainty would drive me demented worrying about if you were going to suddenly decide to take the hot water tomorrow, or for a week in a row, or when. I wouldn't like you being in control of my hot showers like that. I get that you're not seeing that, but a lot of people prefer routine in shared living environments.

Feck her if she is unhappy at normal shower privileges being re asserted. That's not your problem.

On a side issue, how in the name of blazes is there only enough hot water for 1 shower in the morning! Can you not all ask the landlord for an electric shower? Or could you not both have shorter showers if something? 1 hot shower before the water is gone seems mad.

No, I do totally see what you mean, but I'm also seeing it from the perspective that rather than having a cold shower every other day, she gets loads of 'bonus' days where she gets hot showers for loads of days in a row. I definitely wouldn't shower in the morning two days in a row or any more than that, of course not.

It's complicated re the water issue - the two guys also shower in the morning before both of us, so it's a question of who gets the end of the hot water. Have asked landlord about electric shower but he's not forthcoming - the flatmates have been putting up with this for years.

username123

How would she ever have a hot shower if you assert morning shower rights and you are up at 7 and she isn't up til 9?

Maybe you need a house meeting to discuss this because it sounds like the 2 guys are actually getting the good deal! You might need to agree a shower rota or just do different times.

Olive8585

username123 wrote: »

How would she ever have a hot shower if you assert morning shower rights and you are up at 7 and she isn't up til 9?

Maybe you need a house meeting to discuss this because it sounds like the 2 guys are actually getting the good deal! You might need to agree a shower rota or just do different times.

Well, she wouldn't. She expects me to either not shower or shower at night on the days she's due her hot shower rather than get up earlier. It's more complicated that I want to go into, but basically the options are hot showers on alternate days or one or both of us showers in the evening, or doesn't shower at all.

Baby01032012

The only possible solution is to shower together, thereby both having a hot shower.

Seriously though I thought this forum was for posters with real issues. I've never seen something so trivial discussed on this forum.

Olive8585

Baby01032012 wrote: »

The only possible solution is to shower together, thereby both having a hot shower.

Seriously though I thought this forum was for posters with real issues. I've never seen something so trivial discussed on this forum.

I'm sorry, you didn't have to open the thread, which is actually entitled 'Small issue with flatmate'.

Baby01032012

Olive8585 wrote: »

I'm sorry, you didn't have to open the thread, which is actually entitled 'Small issue with flatmate'.

Apology accepted.

Olive8585

Baby01032012 wrote: »

Apology accepted.

Get over yourself.

Baby01032012

Olive8585 wrote: »

Get over yourself.

Go and have a shower!