Lost husband to suicide

LegacyUser

I did a search last night and can't see any thread's touching this.

I lost my darling husband to suicide last weekend, I found him and have had the worst time of my life these past few days. Is there somewhere that people talk about this?

I know I will probably need counselling, my own dr is away this week, so am going to have to wait till monday. Is that what people would normally do?

Tokyo

Hi OP,

first let me offer you my condolences for your loss - I can't imagine what the last week has been like for you.

I have a close friend who, sad to say, went through the very same thing about six months ago with her long term partner. From the time it happened she's been seeing a counsellor, and although there are days where she felt like it wasn't helping, six months later she has said that overall she's seen a huge improvement in herself and it's helped her a lot, to the point where she feels like she can face the world again.

I'd advise you to speak to your doctor, and get a referral to a counsellor if you haven't already.

banie01

Hi OP,
1st off my condolences on your loss.
Counselling can be a great help in getting to grips with the emotional turmoil you are facing into, as you've already guessed your GP is a good starting point for accessing these services.
There are also various other agencies that can offer you support and advice, many of these groups are local and as such access would depend on your loacation(For example in Limerick there is the Northstar Bereavement group, Living Links group and various other groups) Similar groups are extant all over the country and they do a great job of supporting the bereaved through their toughest times.
There is also a site that many of us widowed use called widow.ie(I used it myself for a while and I found some great comfort there) where you will find great support and advice from others that have been through similar loss.

As I said, my condolences on your loss.
Stay strong and above all, remember to look after yourself 1st of all don't be afraid to accept any support offered by friends or family nor be afraid to ask for it.
All too often after a loss like your's people focus on staying strong and showing the world they can cope, when there is nothing at all wrong with taking time to take care of yourself.

CaraMay

Op I'm very very sorry for your loss.

I know this is going to sound very mercenary and its not intended to upset but make sure you apply for the widows pension as soon as you can. My cousin didn't claim it for a year even though they were struggling as it just never occurred to her and no one mentioned it to her. They did backdate it a bit but she still lost out on a lot of income.

As I said I'm sorry for bring so crass at this time by talking about money but sometimes it's important to deal with practical issues as well.

As for the counselling please do start it. If you have kids, their school at point you in the right direction for childrens counselling.

Best wishes op. my heart goes out to you.

Holsten

Hi OP.

Very sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Times like this even though you might feel like you want to be alone it's good to talk with family, or close friends.

You should get into contact with a therapist who is focused on bereavement/sudden death/suicide.

Again my condolences.

Lou.m

unreg88 wrote: »

I did a search last night and can't see any thread's touching this.

I lost my darling husband to suicide last weekend, I found him and have had the worst time of my life these past few days. Is there somewhere that people talk about this?

I know I will probably need counselling, my own dr is away this week, so am going to have to wait till monday. Is that what people would normally do?

Hello OP.

My heart goes out to you.

http://www.console.ie/index.php?contentid=suicide-bereavement&sectionid=suicide-bereavement

Console is a charity that helps with suicide bereavement and prevention. The Hotline for console is 1800 201 890 (24-hour helpline). You could call right now if you wanted.


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/death/bereavement_counselling_and_support/support_services_for_those_affected_by_suicide.html

Here is a citizens info site with info on support services in Ireland. They have a list of support organizations and a PDF on information.

Here is a PDF for the bereaved. It covers all info from immediate income support to death certs.

http://www.citizensinformationboard.ie/publications/providers/downloads/Bereavement_Guide_2013.pdf

It has a great first few lines.

"It is always difficult to deal with the death of a person close to you. As well
as the emotional impact, a number of practical matters have to be dealt
with. Some will need to be dealt with immediately and some at a later
stage. This booklet is intended to help you deal with the practical problems
that arise when someone dies"

You might need support on a practical level and an emotional level. Contact Console or a citizens advice centre or http://www.tusla.ie/ the child and family agency.

You can try your GP. But those places can help too.

http://www.livinglinks.ie/ Is also a place that helps the bereaved.



Samaritans.org 1850 60 90 90 (24-hour helpline). http://www.samaritans.org/


They would all be experienced in helping people who have lost someone to suicide and perhaps have heard some of the things you have been through and be able to guide you emotionally and practically. And perhaps most importantly just be there and support you.

Sending love. I wish I could do more.

Diane Selwyn

Hi OP
I am really so sorry to hear of your terrible loss - you are probably still in shock but counselling could certainly still help. You can do either one-on-one or group and you may need to try out a few different ones until you find a service where the dynamic feels right for you. If you need to speak to someone urgently you might try the Bethany group - I don't think I can post links but just google 'bethany bereavement' or there is also Console but I have no experience of their service. If you have private health insurance they might have a phone counselling service. VHI used to offer it and they referred me to Bethany who I found helpful - surprisingly so since its a service with roots in the Catholic church and I am not especially religious (probably less so than ever these days!) but I think it was to do with the particular group that worked for me at the time. In the meantime its hard to know what to recommend - get some sunshine if you can - don't try too hard to analyse your grief as its different for everyone and there is no timeframe on it as such.

stop animal cruelty

OP,

Sorry l have no advice for you but just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss, hope things will get easier for you soon. x

feargale

Very, very sorry, OP.

feargale

Very, very sorry, OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the thoughts and kind wishes.

Just wondering if anyone did the pieta house walk today? I know I would have liked to do it, too soon though.
I have been kept busy going to and from our home- rented house and my families home, cant stay where he did it. Now I feel homeless and a total burden on everyone, even though people have been so kind. Am not used to being so dependent on others, I dont like it.
Im having moments of total despair and anger, cant sleep without half a sleeping tablet- since the first night I was hyperventilating in the bed.

Thanks again for advise and warm wishes

CaraMay

Op I can assure you that you are not a burden to anyone. I'm sure your family want you close to them at this terrible time. Look of you need help sleeping for a while then there is nothing wrong with that. You have had the most horrendous shock.

The people on boards are very good so come back here as often as you wish for support and advice. There is always someone to listen, who has been through the same or similar, on here.

Mind yourself x

Maphisto

OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. You are not a burden.

I think being at a loss for what to say sometimes stops people replying.

Do please go and see your GP if you haven't already Lou.M's post contained some very useful contacts.

All the very best. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

Frigga_92

Very sorry for your loss OP and this sad time you and your family are going through.
You are not a burden.
Your friends and family will be comforted by you going to them and will feel like they are helping you in whatever way you need.

Have you managed to see a doctor yet? I see you mentioned in your OP that your doctor is back tomorrow. He/she will hopefully be a huge support system to you during this time. Explore all avenues with your doctor, both medication and counselling, to find the best options for you. The public waiting list for an appointment with a psychologist is quite long depending where you are but I am sure your doctor could get you fast tracked if necessary due to your circumstances.
Speak with your doctor about the various organisations mentioned in this thread. He/she may have experience with them and may have contacts or advice in that regard.

Again, very sorry for your loss.

tayto lover

Very soory for your loss OP.
I have attended loads of funerals of suicide victims in the last number of years as I knew lots of them.

My advice to you until you see your doctor is to keep visiting family and friends and try not to be alone too much. SOSAD are very good if you want to chat and they have counsellors who will give you good advice.

raher1

all i can say is let it out. have your crys and the whole lot. be honest with yourself. then when your ready,live again. dont fall into a well of pity. do what is right for you.

Diane Selwyn

Don't worry about being a burden on people - I would say your family probably wish they could do a lot more for you. It's good not to be alone too much now anyway as the grief can make you so scatty and forgetful it can be hard just to get everyday things done. Go easy on yourself for a while.

Lou.m

unreg88 wrote: »

Thanks for the thoughts and kind wishes.

Just wondering if anyone did the pieta house walk today? I know I would have liked to do it, too soon though.
I have been kept busy going to and from our home- rented house and my families home, cant stay where he did it. Now I feel homeless and a total burden on everyone, even though people have been so kind. Am not used to being so dependent on others, I dont like it.
Im having moments of total despair and anger, cant sleep without half a sleeping tablet- since the first night I was hyperventilating in the bed.

Thanks again for advise and warm wishes

I have a very warm loving friend who did it. And she does it every year. She volunteers there.

She really is one of the nicest people I know.

It is right you should have support now. Accepting support is the sensible thing to do. It is what is right for now.

I would urge you to seek experienced help too though. Asking for help is the true way to living again in the long term. This support will aid you through the time so you can stand up again.


You are not a burden. Or else we are all bloody burdens! We are all supposed to help each other. People must wish there was something they could do or that they knew what to do.

LynnGrace

My sincere condolences, OP. Please take good care of yourself. You are not a burden, your family and friends will want to help in whatever way they can.

LegacyUser

Well its nearly 3 weeks since it happened. I feel like im living someone else's existance

Im/we were not religious but was freaking out about month's mind over the last few days- that I had left it too late ( its not the done thing here anymore so he will be prayed for in masses around the date). Theres alot I did not nor wished to ever know about, am wondering would he have done this if he knew all that I alone would have to do?

My life has been ruined, we were in this together, now im alone and I dont have him to help me
My dr referred me for counselling, I had to ring them and confirm, no word from them yet-which is a bit ****.
I have applied for widows contrib. Pension which was an unbelievable very surreal moment, im early thirties-applying for a ****ing pension? I was so dazed and confused had to go into citizens info w/ form and they were fantastic did it all for me.

I appreciate all the replys and the fact that it has had 2,500 views means something. Thanks again

CaraMay

Op it's good to hear from you. I have been thinking about you. I know there is a lot to be done but it's also good to be busy. Can you go for private counselling as the public one may take ages. Day by day and try to lean on your family and friends. It will surprise you how good people can be.

Lou.m

unreg88 wrote: »

Well its nearly 3 weeks since it happened. I feel like im living someone else's existance

Im/we were not religious but was freaking out about month's mind over the last few days- that I had left it too late ( its not the done thing here anymore so he will be prayed for in masses around the date). Theres alot I did not nor wished to ever know about, am wondering would he have done this if he knew all that I alone would have to do?

My life has been ruined, we were in this together, now im alone and I dont have him to help me
My dr referred me for counselling, I had to ring them and confirm, no word from them yet-which is a bit ****.
I have applied for widows contrib. Pension which was an unbelievable very surreal moment, im early thirties-applying for a ****ing pension? I was so dazed and confused had to go into citizens info w/ form and they were fantastic did it all for me.

I appreciate all the replys and the fact that it has had 2,500 views means something. Thanks again

I feel for you OP. I am glad to hear about you.

I hope you have support.

People will want to be there.

Take care OP

Queen of Pots

OP, I lost my husband to suicide three months ago. It's an awful time. All I can say is take all the help you can get, and don't be afraid to talk, talk and talk. It's true what others have said - people will want to be there for you so don't ever feel like you're a burden on them.

You asked if your husband would have done this if he'd known everything you had to do? The answer is no. Wherever he was, in whatever place he went into, he wasn't able to think of you. If he had he wouldn't have left you. My husband wouldn't have left me either. It's very hard to accept that, very hard, but, for some unexplainable reason, they obviously weren't thinking when they did what they did.

Give yourself time, and do follow up on the counselling. Time will help you to cope more and make things easier for you. I never thought it would in the beginning, the pain was so bad, but it did.

If I can help in any way please feel free to send me a message.
Wishing you strength to get through this sad time.

CaraMay

Sorry for your loss queen of pots

Neyite

Queen, welcome to Bereavement, I'm sorry for your loss.

We have a rule in this charter that posters do not request Private Messages on thread. You can read the full charter in a Sticky at the top of the forum.

Diane Selwyn

Hi OP
Glad to hear from you again. You are right - the amount of 'stuff' that has to be done/organised when someone dies is staggering but as CaraMay said it can also be good to have something to focus on. You shouldn't worry about long term plans or decisions at this stage if you can avoid them just look after the basics and make sure you are taking proper care of yourself.

Midnight Sundance

I've nothing to contribute except my sincerest condolences to you and your family.
I know it's a long hard road ahead of you but take it day by day. Don't plan too far ahead, set little goals and please accept any help and support offered from friends and family.
I'll bet anything they're wanting to help and don't know how.
I really wish you strength in getting through this.

LegacyUser

Queen of Pots wrote: »

OP, I lost my husband to suicide three months ago. It's an awful time. All I can say is take all the help you can get, and don't be afraid to talk, talk and talk. It's true what others have said - people will want to be there for you so don't ever feel like you're a burden on them.

You asked if your husband would have done this if he'd known everything you had to do? The answer is no. Wherever he was, in whatever place he went into, he wasn't able to think of you. If he had he wouldn't have left you. My husband wouldn't have left me either. It's very hard to accept that, very hard, but, for some unexplainable reason, they obviously weren't thinking when they did what they did.

Give yourself time, and do follow up on the counselling. Time will help you to cope more and make things easier for you. I never thought it would in the beginning, the pain was so bad, but it did.

If I can help in any way please feel free to send me a message.
Wishing you strength to get through this sad time.

Im really sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing. How are you after three months.? Is it still as raw.?
Im still waiting on public appointment for counselling, I could probably pay for it privately but I am very aware that I will have a headstone to pay for/funeral bills.

We had been trying to start a family, I wish I had his children so I could be strong for them - then thinking why would you want a child to grow up knowing this?
Im having moments of total madness and total determination-getting things done, once they're done im looking for the next project- I took my moms sink apart today because it was blocked, I made it worse-total madness!
I really don't think there are any answers or the right or wrong way to get through this. Im trying to do my best, but have pushed everyone besides my sister away. I feel bad for them but my sister is the only person that I feel comfortable breaking down in front of and she has initiated conversations that need to be talked about, she is my rock. I hope you have someone in your life like her.
It will be six weeks Saturday, it feels like a lifetime ago and only yesterday!

Every person who has posted here has been so genuine and heart felt, thank you all.

fits

Thinking of you OP x

jos28

My heart goes out to you OP, I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. You have had a horrendous experience and need all the help and support you can get. Take things one day at a time, some days will be bad, some will be good. That is as much as you can expect at this early stage. Do not expect anything of yourself, be gentle on yourself. Please follow all the good advice given on this thread. Stay in touch with the good folk here, sometimes it's easier to talk online rather than face to face with friends and family.
If you use the one day at a time approach you will eventually find yourself having 2 or 3 good days in a row and then you will be on the road to dealing with your grief.
Try to eat well, get out for a walk, cry when you need to, accept the kindness of others and avoid opening a bottle of wine on your own when you are having a bad day. Call a friend, share the bottle and some memories of your lovely husband.
I wish you well xxx