I'm not sure

zozo339

Hey ... Well me and my boyfriend have been together a real long time, and we're constantly finding new things to do and stuff to keep things fresh and exciting...you guys may not think that's possible but it is with us maybe because it's supposed to be that way ... Um well lately he's been a bit weird like with his moods this past week...like he's been quiet and just not the way he usually is with cuddles or even sexual contact he's been "tired" and not bothered whether we see each other or not which would usually bother him and he's been really really mean to me with comments which are really harsh:/ he is very protective over me and quite controlling (a bit of a Christian grey example - if you've read it) and well...I just wanna have a few ideas thrown at me as to why this could be happening? And now tonight literally 10 mins ago he's sent me a picture of a crystal heart thing that he says his step mum found and apparently she has "recently" washed his bed sheets? It isn't mine by the way...and I told him that...so why would've it been in his bed? Hm. Please only give me opinions if you truly think them as I don't wanna get comments which il think too much into...thanks

dee_mc

Hi OP, not what you want to hear whatsoever but you need to talk to your boyfriend!
People can speculate all they like, from 'maybe he's having a hard time at work' to 'maybe he's planning to propose', but at the end of the day it's YOUR relationship, in which YOUR boyfriend is, by the sound of it, treating you like crap.
You sound very confused: are you trying to put a positive spin on things by saying he's controlling 'like Christian Grey'?! Because there's no real way of making having a partner who wants to control you sound good.
Sit down and talk to him. Ask him why his behaviour has changed. Remember if you're not happy something needs to change, but it should never be you changing to suit what he wants.
Hope you get it sorted and feel happier very soon.

hairyprincess

How long exactly have you been together?

Meauldsegosha

zozo339 wrote: »

..I just wanna have a few ideas thrown at me as to why this could be happening? /quote]

OP we could throw every idea under the sun at you but the only way to find out what is going on with your boyfriend is to talk to him.

zozo339

we've been together 8 months now, but have known each other for years - thats probably why I've made it sound like we've been together in a relationship for longer than 8 months.

He brought the piece of jewellery I mentioned, to my house this morning, as I'd asked him to so I could look at it...and I told him it doesn't look "good" baring in mind, it was found in the wash where his bed covers had been washed...I then went on to text his older sister, (who's 19) to ask her whether it was a charm from her bracelet, and she said no....so I have no idea, as you know when you wanna talk about something but you don't wanna seem like you're constantly digging at the point of where this thing came from, as it's certainly not mine.

I think I'm going to speak to him, and just ask to have a sit down, and chat about this, as I want to be with him, I just hate the feeling that something else is going on and always being insecure whether he's "having it on with someone else" because I'm usually a confident girl. He's 2 years younger than me, so I don't know whether that helps your commenting??
I don't know what to do to keep him out of boredom.

Thankyou for your comments so far

Merkin

You have to go with your instinct and all the signs point to something being wrong. You need to talk to him about it and ask him what is going on. There's no point asking people here to guess what it could be, it would be unhelpful conjecture and it's up to you to get to the bottom of it.

zozo339

Okay thankyou Merkin. Just one question... if I do talk to him (which i most likely will) and he still says there isn't anything happening or he has no idea where that crystal heart thing came from, and I'm stil insecure, shall I brush it off as nothing and just keep a mental note in case for the future??

CaraMay

If he had someone else in his bed he would hardly be silly enough to show you the jewellery in case it might not be yours? Is he allowed bring girls home to sleep with?

Are you definitely exclusive? Does he know this?

Why did you text his sister to see if it was hers. That really sounds very needy and insecure. What ages are you?

Merkin

zozo339 wrote: »

Hey ... Well me and my boyfriend have been together a real long time, and we're constantly finding new things to do and stuff to keep things fresh and exciting

zozo339 wrote: »

I don't know what to do to keep him out of boredom.

Seriously?

After 8 short months you're having to work at keeping things fresh and your concerned about him being bored? Wtf?

And he is very like Christian Grey from 40 Shades of Sh1te and yet his older sister is 19? :eek:

The dynamic between you sounds very unhealthy for people so young tbh.

A new relationship should be fun and enjoyable and lighthearted - him making harsh comments and controlling you is not glamorous nor is it romantic, sexy or in any way appealing (as lapped up by millions of vacuous sexually inexperienced women who thought 40 Shades of Sh1te was actually of some merit to the greater good of sex education :rolleyes:).

The dynamic between the two of you sounds really rather odd.

zozo339

Yeah thats a good point CaraMay...he did say that he felt "awkward" after I told him it wasn't mine, as he was like "oh god, I don't know where it came from" Yeah we are 100% exclusive...I couldn't bare to be in a more open relationship. He knows that yeah...and no he is not, at all, apart from me, as his parents wouldn't like it if he did, as they know me.

Merkin

CaraMay wrote: »

Why did you text his sister to see if it was hers. That really sounds very needy and insecure. What ages are you?

His older sister is 19 and the OP is two years older than her boyfriend.

Meauldsegosha

zozo339 wrote: »

Hey ... we're constantly finding new things to do and stuff to keep things fresh and exciting...he is very protective over me and quite controlling (a bit of a Christian grey example - if you've read it) and well..

zozo339 wrote: »

I don't know what to do to keep him out of boredom.

These comments make me uncomfortable. Is he making you do things you are not sure about?

zozo339

Merkin, thankyou, as the last part of that made me laugh, which is actually what I need right now. Yeah a few of his mates have said his controlling is a bit weird but then his best mate is the same with his girlfriend ever since she cheated on him...In a way if he toned it down a bit maybe I would like it, but at the moment, its like one rule for me, another for him? So I'm not "allowed" to do so and so and yet he says its fine for him as its different as "he's a boy" and boys dont have any bodily features to show off...as if anyone could be less naive...sorry going off the point a little...and CaraMay, she told me she had lost her bracelet last week that her fiance had bought her and it was a pandora one, so I was wondering whether it could've been part of that

zozo339

No he isn't, if at all whatever we do I enjoy but just thought thats the only way I can describe him at times (christian grey) at other times it isn't like that We enjoy our time together apart from when I've been suspicious...and he has been joking he cheated on his past girlfriend with someone, and this made him laugh when it wasn't very funny to me...is that normal? As he apologised for it not being funny, but he likes to wind me up, as i like to do to him

LegacyUser

A controlling man is not deserving of your time, energy, thoughts or most importantly, your love.

I spent four years in a controllling relationship when I was a teenager, which it sounds like you are. I interpreted his "control" as love. Oh he loves me so much he wants to know where I am all the time, he loves me s much he gets upset when I talk to other boys. .....it's not love, it's control. And its damaging.

And BTW 8 months is not a very long relationship, it's barely a relationship.

I have no idea what is going on, possibly he had some other girl in the bed. It's unlikely as if he did I'm sure he wouldn't be so open about finding the bracelet but regardless, ask him why he is being moody and stand up for yourself.

I have no idea who this christian character is that you're referring to but from what other posters are saying he doesn't sound like much of a treat.

Merkin

zozo339 wrote: »

Yeah a few of his mates have said his controlling is a bit weird but then his best mate is the same with his girlfriend ever since she cheated on him...In a way if he toned it down a bit maybe I would like it, but at the moment, its like one rule for me, another for him? So I'm not "allowed" to do so and so and yet he says its fine for him as its different as "he's a boy" and boys dont have any bodily features to show off

I appreciate that you are both young and it's only with a bit of time and maturity that you'll pay no heed to what your friends do or don't do. It doesn't matter if his best mate has his girlfriend locked up in the basement, what is important is the dynamic between the two of you, i.e. the two people in the relationship.

You say you'd like him to tone down how he controls you. Can you give us some examples?

Meauldsegosha

zozo339 wrote: »

Merkin, thankyou, as the last part of that made me laugh, which is actually what I need right now. Yeah a few of his mates have said his controlling is a bit weird but then his best mate is the same with his girlfriend ever since she cheated on him...In a way if he toned it down a bit maybe I would like it, but at the moment, its like one rule for me, another for him? So I'm not "allowed" to do so and so and yet he says its fine for him as its different as "he's a boy" and boys dont have any bodily features to show off...as if anyone could be less naive...sorry going off the point a little...and CaraMay, she told me she had lost her bracelet last week that her fiance had bought her and it was a pandora one, so I was wondering whether it could've been part of that

Whatever happened between your boyfriend friend and his girlfriend shouldn't impact on your relationship. As for one rule for girls and another for boys that is nonsense. From the information you posted I'd guess your boyfriend is about 17/18 and tbh he sounds very childish which is ok he has his whole life ahead of him to grow up. What you have to consider is that your ages relationships should be fun and happy not full of rules and causing you angst.

You need to talk to him and explain that you are equals in the relationship and other peoples relationships don't matter to yours. If he doesn't like it, adios amigo.

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you think him controlling you and telling you what you can or can't do is ok? Do you need to be controlled? Do you need someone telling you what you are allowed do? And if so, do you not have parents who do that for you?

He sounds very immature, and you even more so. Your first post says you've been together a "very long time". 8 months isn't a very long time, unless it's your first relationship and you think you're together forever. I'm 14 years with my husband.. that's a long time. My parents are together 45 years.. that's a very long time.

There are a few possible scenarios, one is the teenage lethario is bringing home a string of girls, entertaining them in his bed and nobody in his house is batting an eyelid, or letting you know. Maybe they think it's part of the game of him dominating you?

If he was cheating on you and didn't want you to know, he'd hardly take the chance of asking you was it yours... Unless he really is that clueless.

Or he is cheating on you, and this is his way of letting you know, seeing how you'll react and keeping you on your toes.. more of this controlling you speak about.

Honestly... You are in a very immature relationship, even though you both think you are so grown up. But, to be fair to you, lots of people your ages are in immature relationships (because of your ages!) It's only when you all get a bit older and more mature that you will look back and cringe at what you thought was a fantastic relationship.

zozo339

Yeah I agree with everything everyone is saying..I mean before this I was in a 3 and a half year relationship and that went alright although the person I was with..he was so boring..never ever wanting to go out or whatever unless he was getting drunk with his friends...then again...before that I was in a year and 4 month relationship and he cheated on me from the off...so I think that may have given me some issues that I've bagged up and bought all the way through as a major insecurity. Yeah, I have no parents to do that for me as they kicked me out in November and we never talk...he can be quite immature and myself also as I can openly admit which I need to deal with as I am older than him..you're right about his age 17/18 hm, I think maybe he wouldn't show me the heart thing if he was as he isn't silly like that...although that's a difficult one..I don't know. But that could be the answer. Yeah, my parents had their 25 year anniversary this year (last month) and thats a long time and as you said 45 years is ages! Congrats for them haha, yeah I cringe back at previous relationships I've had and think wtf was I doing!!!! But hm...I need to get this sorted as in July/August were both supposed to be moving away, to start another college course/uni course and him starting a music course, so I need to feel secure as il have a lot more letting go il need to do if he's going to be doing all of this new stuff all the time, with me not necessarily being there all the time. Another thing is, we do spend a lot of time together, if not, every single day, after he's got home at 3 ish, we'd spend until either 6 or 10 together and then we see each other in the morning...I have to admit I am very attached but at the same time I am not going to be a door mat for him to wipe his sh1te on...maybe I need to turn the game around and actually have things on my terms as it's not right his controlling attitude...when I deeply think about it, I wake up to that point.

zozo339

Also since he's controlling it's made me become controlling and have some possessive traits which is dreadful as I had overcome these before after I had been cheated on..as the relationship I had which was 3 years I was so controlling...an I believe that's because id been cheated on, I've overcome that but I guess it's always in the back of my head...so his attitude reflects onto me, making me more anxious to know what's happening all the time, to know who he's spoken to and this makes me disgusted in myself and I don't know how I should deal with it as it isn't healthy...maybe I should get him to be less controlling etc and then I can deal with my own problems.

ivytwine

If you can liken a man to that ass from that ridiculous book then he's not a good boyfriend.


You're very young. You'll never be this young, this beautiful, this free...

So don't waste it on a man who disrespects you.

EDIT: Having read your last post, I think you need some time being single, and learning what kind of person you are, before you get into another relationship.

dee_mc

I'm not getting at you OP but it sounds like you've been in a string of relatively long relationships at such a young age - I think it would do so much good for you to have some time on your own to figure out what you actually want.
Your idea of having a balance of power in the relationship seems to be to 'turn things on their head' and 'show him who's boss' - just a little reminder that you deserve to be happy and secure with whoever you're seeing, not waiting patiently for your 'turn' at being the dominant one!'
Off topic but try to get back on good terms with your parents, that's a much more important relationship at this stage.

Merkin

Honey, you really need some time out from relationships. You're probably only 19 and yet you're a serial monogamist who has appalling taste in men boys by the sounds of it.

You're with this numpty 8 months, before that was involved with a p1ss head for 3.5 years and prior to that with a serial cheater for 1.5 years. Which brings us back to what? Since you were 13?

Seriously, break up with this chap and learn to be by yourself for a while. You sound very immature for a girl of 19 and I think it's most probably because you've been unable to actually flourish and grow as a self-contained human being because you seem to attach yourself to really awful people for some bizarre reason.

Break free, go to college, avoid relationships for the time being as you are far too young and immature dare I say it going by your posts, and work on getting to know yourself a little. When you do this, you will be far better equipped to meet someone lovely in a few years time. You really ought to be out having fun rather than being involved with a whole rogue's gallery of n'er do wells.

topcatcbr

You'll both probably grow up to be fine individuals but at the moment your trying to be adults too much.

You should enjoy the freedom youth brings with it. Don't be trying to settle down and "keep" your man. If your meant to be it will be. You shouldn't have to work at anything in your relationship at the moment. It should be carefree.


Concentrate on your own life building a career or education and let your relationship be what it is and not worry too much about it. It may or may not last but you'll still have to live your life either way and what you learn now will serve you in the future.

zozo339

I think that's the issue is that we're both trying to be too grown up as everyone is expecting so much from us... So maybe we just need to take a back seat and let whatever this is be what it is, as when I have no concerns I am happiest and just get to relax and our relationship seems to just work itself out without having to do anything with it. Thank you so much for all of your comments. It's helped an unbelievable amount, I think it helps me talking to people who I don't have an emotional connection with and who I don't know at all as it enables me to let off steam without having to worry whether you're going to judge or not so thank you for that. After a lot of thinking and reading of your comments, it's really made me realise that to be honest...if he's cheating...well that's his problem...not mine, I give him everything, and make him happy so you know something...if he is he needs to grow up and stop being an idiot, but if he isn't then good either or doesn't really matter as I have my whole life in front of me, a whole career, and a whole lot of fun, we may or may not last, but at the moment I just need to let it be and see what happens ... Whatever happens, I'm not the fool, and il enjoy whatever happens, if he does, it'll hurt me badly, but il move on.

Thanks guys...so much xxx

strobe

I don't want to labour the point or anything but I really couldn't agree more with Ivytwine and Merkin. I think it would do you all the good in the world to just enjoy being single for a time.

I hope you don't take offense to this but you really really do seem to be very immature. I was thinking 14/15, a quite immature 14/15, going by your posts till Merkin did the maths. There's nothing wrong with that, people mature and gain experience at different rates in different ways. It could be that since you've been in relationships since you were 13, that you've just never really had the chance to grow into yourself yet. But I really think you should forget about relationships for a while. Enjoy being single, go out with your friends make the most of college. You've had 3 bad relationships already from what you've said, and you're only 19. And any one of them could have been much much worse tbh, and I don't think you have the emotional maturity quite yet to recognise when a relationship is really bad or to extricate yourself from a really bad one. You could genuinely end up getting badly hurt and in a really messed up situation you'd struggle to get out of if you meet the wrong person at this stage in your life.

Take care of yourself. Best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

zozo339 wrote: »

...maybe I need to turn the game around and actually have things on my terms as it's not right his controlling attitude...

So, you're realising that his controlling attitude isn't right. But your suggested solution to that is, to turn "the game" around and have things on your terms??

So why would you being controlling be better than him being controlling? Why does anyone have to control the other? Do you not think a relationship can work if both people are allowed think for themselves?

You see, this is why people are telling you you need to be single for a while. You are not ready to be in a proper relationship. I know at your age it's all about having a boyfriend. And it would seem you (not you specifically, but your peers) prefer to have a sh1t boyfriend than no boyfriend.

But a relationship should be a partnership. A partnership of two people working together for the mutual benefit of each other. Not one person being in control and demanding things be done their way.

I know, I know... You are young. He is young. You have to go through crappy teenage relationships to teach you what not to do in adult relationships. But you are posting here, and looking for advice and opinion. So you are getting the benefit of experience from those who have "been there, done that". And who are offering you advice hoping that you won't spend too much longer being there and doing that!

You don't have to have a bf. Being single, going out at weekends and kissing random fellas on a dancefloor is what being young is all about. Time enough you'll be settling down with one person for life (maybe). Live a little now, while you have no ties, responsibilities or commitments.

strobe

Just also, I know you didn't ask for advice on this, and I don't know the details of what's gone on, but if its possible try to get back on speaking terms with your parents. I had a far from smooth relationship with my own to say the least, but boyfriends come and go, as you've already seen. Happens with friends too unfortunately. Your parents will always be your parents though, and when things get really bad it can make all the difference in the world to have someone in your corner that has known you your entire life, and on the whole, in general, most of the time, want the best for you. It really can be indispensable.

Meauldsegosha

OP you've been dating this guy for 8 months and your parents kicked you out 6 months ago. Is he the reason for the issues with your parents?

zozo339

No not at all. The reason for the issues with my parents was just because of me and stuff that was happening inside my personal life, which they couldn't deal with, my boyfriend got along with them amazingly and they loved him a great deal

zozo339

And I'm not sure where my relationship with my parents will go in the future...I'm living with my auntie at the moment and it's just I've got to give it time as I can't be bothered to deal with them as it became a very violent relationship between me and my parents....