Lyrics feedback?

seachto7

I'm not much of a lyrics guy, so would be interested in what folk think of this:

Don’t put yourself in harms way
Live to fight another day
Head down, chin up, that’s okay
There’s bombs raining on your parade today
But I’m climbing up the walls
Making sure not to fall
I don’t know any other way
Emphatic weakness, is ruling the day

This town is getting me down
The sounds are all around
The vultures are circling around
The rats, the rats are above ground
Now don’t get me wrong
I hear they’re having more fun, in the next town along
So what must we do today
To save ourselves from boredom,from fading away

Gather your things, it’s time to go to ground
I have a sinking feeling that this ship is going down
There’s way out by the rubble and the river at the edge of town

Saipanne

seachto7 wrote: »

I'm not much of a lyrics guy, so would be interested in what folk think of this:

Don’t put yourself in harms way
Live to fight another day
Head down, chin up, that’s okay
There’s bombs raining on your parade today
But I’m climbing up the walls
Making sure not to fall
I don’t know any other way
Emphatic weakness, is ruling the day

This town is getting me down
The sounds are all around
The vultures are circling around
The rats, the rats are above ground
Now don’t get me wrong
I hear they’re having more fun, in the next town along
So what must we do today
To save ourselves from boredom,from fading away

Gather your things, it’s time to go to ground
I have a sinking feeling that this ship is going down
There’s way out by the rubble and the river at the edge of town

Good job, I'd like to see it attached to a song. I suppose my only criticism of it, is that there is a heavy reliance on the 'ay' sound in your rhyming. Often, I find reversing the flow of the sentence can work, such as:

'Today, what must we do?'

I liked it, though. Keep it up.

seachto7

Cheers! While I have contributed musically to a lot of stuff over the years, lyrics is the one area I have neglected, so I'm paranoid about them.

Hmmm, will look at them and refine, and maybe get a demo up soon.

Saipanne

seachto7 wrote: »

Cheers! While I have contributed musically to a lot of stuff over the years, lyrics is the one area I have neglected, so I'm paranoid about them.

Hmmm, will look at them and refine, and maybe get a demo up soon.

I'm exactly the same. Music comes easy, lyrics don't. But that trick of changing the words around does help a lot. And practice, practice, practice.

dogmax

Nice lyrics and everything sound like it flows well but if you're looking for a chorus then maybe this but its up to you, just thought reading it with a chorus give it that my home (change) town feel to it, just a thought.

Don’t put yourself in harms way
Live to fight another day
Head down, chin up, that’s okay
There’s bombs raining on your parade today
But I’m climbing up the walls
Making sure not to fall
I don’t know any other way
Emphatic weakness, is ruling the day

Chorus

This town is getting me down
The sounds are all around
The vultures are circling around
The rats, the rats are above ground


Now don’t get me wrong
I hear they’re having more fun, in the next town along
So what must we do today
To save ourselves from boredom,from fading away
Gather your things, it’s time to go to ground
I have a sinking feeling that this ship is going down
There’s way out by the rubble
To the river at the edge of town

Chorus

This town is getting me down
The sounds are all around
The vultures are circling around
The rats, the rats are above ground

There’s way out by the rubble
To the river at the edge of town

migemo

Hi. Just wondering if posting your lyrics on Boards.ie would be as good as copywriting them? Or would Boards.ie have a claim on them?

seachto7

Good question....

and thanks for the feedback earlier folks.:cool:

seachto7

I kind of went at these again and not sure how these ones would seem to y'all:

We're somewhat out of tune
Our legacy is in ruins
I used the hip flask defence
It never really makes much sense

And so we beat on
Against the current, looking for that perfect storm
It's a dream you need to realise
Could pass you by, right before your eyes

Looking out over the sprawl
You're wondering was it worth it all
Beyond the city down by the sea
You breathe it in, breathe in what it is to be

This town is getting me down
Our hopes discarded on the ground
The vultures are circling around
The rats, the rats are above ground

Not sure about a chorus yet...

sephsleft06

I'd say for first line: ''We're Out of Tune''

it's more forcefull, direct, engaging....

than ''somewhat out of tune''.....(omit the needless word)

and the first line of the Verse should be strong.....


It's good...
Should you work on a clearly defined chorus?
with a different rhyme scheme and different length..