Can't stop thinking about the guy I cheated with

carriemath14

I've been with my boyfriend for years, we have a child together and I love him very much. Lately however we've been fighting a lot. I've never even thought about cheating on him before, I never wanted to.

I was out with friends at the weekend and I ended up sleeping with a friend of a friend. We just seemed to hit it off straight away, even at the start of the night it was all innocent conversation, talking about our kids etc. But as the night went on we just attracted each other and ended up going home together.

I feel really really guilty about the fact that I cheated on my boyfriend (who as far as I know has been faithful to me), but the thing is I can't get this other guy out of my head. It wasn't just the sex that was great, we got on so well and I know that he felt the connection too. Although he wanted my number I wouldn't give it to him, I wouldn't even tell him my second name because I knew it could never work between us and I still love my boyfriend (I know a lot of you will say I shouldn't have cheated if I love him). I don't necessarily regret what I did because it was an amazing night, I just feel guilty that I was unfaithful.

I don't really know what I'm asking here as such, I just kind of wanted to tell somebody to get it off my chest. But if anyone has any advice as to how to get this guy out of my head it would be welcomed, because it has made me question my relationship ever since.

Merkin

carriemath14 wrote: »

I don't really know what I'm asking here as such, I just kind of wanted to tell somebody to get it off my chest. But if anyone has any advice as to how to get this guy out of my head it would be welcomed, because it has made me question my relationship ever since.

Well of course you should question your relationship. What on earth possessed you to go and shag some randomer when you've a partner and child at home?

CaraMay

He isn't even a stranger he is a friend of a friend. Why do you think this won't get back to your bf?

beks101

carriemath14 wrote: »

But if anyone has any advice as to how to get this guy out of my head it would be welcomed, because it has made me question my relationship ever since.

Why don't you think about how you'd feel if your boyfriend had sex with another woman. Imagine if he went out with mates and really "hit it off" with a friend of a friend, and ended up going home with her. Climbed into bed with her, got naked with her, spooned and cuddled and got turned on by her and had 'amazing sex' with her, and then instead of feeling mortified and ashamed to the core of his being, began to question the very premise of his relationship with you. Imagine if he 'couldn't stop thinking about' this woman.

Really try hard to imagine that. Because until you do, until you put yourself in his shoes and feel the pain and hurt and disappointment and absolute gut-wrenching, head fcuking agony of it, you're not going to have any perspective on the absolute betrayal and destruction of what you've done.

I'm well aware we don't live in a black-and-white world, and being in a relationship doesn't mean you're immune to temptation, but for most people who really love and respect their partners, it stops there - at temptation. There's a great leap that has to happen mentally and emotionally for you to go from fancying someone or admiring someone, to sleeping with them.

I can't for the life of me imagining ever crossing that boundary, because I simply have too much to lose. Why did you? What made it OK? What made it easy for you to put your child and your relationship to the back of your mind for the sake of a moment between the sheets with a stranger?

Tokyo

OP, I think that what what stands out for me most about your post is not so much that you cheated on your partner, but that you "don't necessarily regret what [you] did because it was an amazing night." AS has been pointed out already in this thread, we don't live in a black and white world and sometimes we do things that we wish we didn't. But the first step in getting past something as big as this is being remorseful for your actions, and you have made it pretty clear from your post that you aren't. You are quite right to question your relationship considering the above.

I think that you need to do two things:

1. You need to tell your partner about this - all things considered there's a good chance that this might get back to him eventually, and the man deserves to know what has been going on. He also deserves the opportunity to get tested if you didn't use a condom that night.
   
2. You need to think seriously about whether you want to stay with him - assuming he wants to continue the relationship after this - for his sake, your sake and for your child's sake. You seem to feel guilty for the actual act of cheating itself, but not sorry at all about the actual going out and sleeping with someone part of it, which for me at least, would be the death knell for my relationship if I were in similar circumstances.

Pippy1976

The worst part of this is that you actually slept with another person. A kiss could be forgiveable (just about) but having sex with someone when you've a long-term partner, with whom you have a child, is unacceptable.

The only reason why you're still thinking of this other guy is because it was a new experience for you, and probably exciting. Best thing to do is put this down to a bad judgement and move on.

carriemath14 wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for years, we have a child together and I love him very much. Lately however we've been fighting a lot. I've never even thought about cheating on him before, I never wanted to.

I was out with friends at the weekend and I ended up sleeping with a friend of a friend. We just seemed to hit it off straight away, even at the start of the night it was all innocent conversation, talking about our kids etc. But as the night went on we just attracted each other and ended up going home together.

I feel really really guilty about the fact that I cheated on my boyfriend (who as far as I know has been faithful to me), but the thing is I can't get this other guy out of my head. It wasn't just the sex that was great, we got on so well and I know that he felt the connection too. Although he wanted my number I wouldn't give it to him, I wouldn't even tell him my second name because I knew it could never work between us and I still love my boyfriend (I know a lot of you will say I shouldn't have cheated if I love him). I don't necessarily regret what I did because it was an amazing night, I just feel guilty that I was unfaithful.

I don't really know what I'm asking here as such, I just kind of wanted to tell somebody to get it off my chest. But if anyone has any advice as to how to get this guy out of my head it would be welcomed, because it has made me question my relationship ever since.

burke027

Ya know what what the other poster said about if it was your partner doing it how would u feel. I can tell you now you would feel like ****e worse then ****e.
There's a massive gap between thinking about doing something like tat and then actually doing it.
To be honest you don't deserve him and the reason your fighting is because something is wrong. Relationships take work and are not always easy but for feck sake if ur not happy and don't wana work at it tell they guy. Because I can tell you the truth always comes out and when it does it's gona be far worse then wat u feel now.
You think ur so high and mighty there with your " oh the sex was amazing the excitement" well guess what it was only that because it was new and that will ware off to. So your partner and child are at home in bed and your off sleeping in someone else's bed having sex with them. Jesus you have know respect I really hope your boyfriend leaves you and just walks away I can assure you that you won't feel to good then.
This ****e sickens me thinking you can have the best of both worlds if you where my other half and I found out I wouldn't even look at you twice it would be good bye and f@#k ya

But hey that's just my to cents

Mr.McLovin

carriemath14 wrote: »

because it has made me question my relationship ever since.

well cheating will do that!

I think you've been told off enough here and well we're suppose to be on your side I guess seeing its a problem forum...

Stop obsessing about this connection with this other guy for a start. You were talking about your/his kids? - he is in a relationship also? - sounds like a real trust worthy guy, he probably makes a lot of connections on nights out.

You seem to have made up your mind you aren't going to come clean by the sounds of it so all you can do is suck it up and hope this feeling goes away. So if this is the road you are going down...

1. if the sex was unsafe get tested and don't pass on anything unwanted to your bf by sleeping with him in the meantime

2. try fix what is broken in your relationship and most importantly access if you actually want to fix it

3. Forget about this guy and don't put yourself in his company again

4. Cross your fingers it doesn't get back to your bf and you bury your guilt which is a hard thing to do, these things have a habit of haunting you!

Good luck!

galwayredgirl

carriemath14 wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend for years, we have a child together and I love him very much. Lately however we've been fighting a lot. I've never even thought about cheating on him before, I never wanted to.

I was out with friends at the weekend and I ended up sleeping with a friend of a friend. We just seemed to hit it off straight away, even at the start of the night it was all innocent conversation, talking about our kids etc. But as the night went on we just attracted each other and ended up going home together.

I feel really really guilty about the fact that I cheated on my boyfriend (who as far as I know has been faithful to me), but the thing is I can't get this other guy out of my head. It wasn't just the sex that was great, we got on so well and I know that he felt the connection too. Although he wanted my number I wouldn't give it to him, I wouldn't even tell him my second name because I knew it could never work between us and I still love my boyfriend (I know a lot of you will say I shouldn't have cheated if I love him). I don't necessarily regret what I did because it was an amazing night, I just feel guilty that I was unfaithful.

I don't really know what I'm asking here as such, I just kind of wanted to tell somebody to get it off my chest. But if anyone has any advice as to how to get this guy out of my head it would be welcomed, because it has made me question my relationship ever since.

Did you use protection? Are you going to tell your boyfriend everything or just an edited version in case he finds out - (they always do) Believe me!

Sleepless and Manic

CaraMay wrote: »

He isn't even a stranger he is a friend of a friend. Why do you think this won't get back to your bf?

This.

Presumably this "friend of a friend" knows exactly who you are by now. Are you sure he'll keep quiet?

zuhuraswa

You need to sit and evaluate whether you really love your boyfriend NOW or the feelings may have shifted over the years. One is not supposed to cheat on their partner to begin with, but if on top of the cheating you also have feeling for the other guy, you really need to sit down and be honest with yourself about your relationship. And also let your boyfriend know where you stand after having an honest conversation with yourself.

carriemath14

When I posted this I knew the replies were going to be negative. I just needed to get it off my chest and attempt to put into words how I felt. I know what I did was horrible, deceitful and wrong. That's why I felt so guilty about it, I feel guilty both that I didn't resist like I should have, and that I didn't regret it immediately afterwards.

To be honest I think I posted too soon after it happened, I hadn't had a chance to actually think about just how wrong it was and how hurt I would be if it had been the other way around. I do now regret that it happened, and I feel disgusted that I even considered kissing the guy let alone sleeping with him. I've been with my boyfriend since I was a teenager and we became parents when we were very young, and that's as exciting as things got for us. I've always resisted temptation before, I never found it that hard and that's why I found it so hard to get this guy out of my head, because I don't quite understand just what it was about him that swayed me. I agree with every one of your comments, I'm completely 100% in the wrong, and that's why it got to me so much that I couldn't get him out of my head

@Mr.McLovin : We were talking about both of our kids, I think that's how we got on well in the beginning, we were the only two in the group that have a child. He's single and so I know I'm the only one in the wrong. We did use protection but I've booked myself in to get checked anyway to be on the safe side, and I won't risk passing anything onto my boyfriend in the mean time.

@galwayredgirl : I'm not going to tell him. We need to sit down and talk a lot more about whether we should stay together because we want to be together, or if it's just been for the sake of our child for a while now. If we do decide to break up there's no point in hurting him when it's over anyway, its not going to change anything. And that is kind of selfish of me but I can't face telling him yet anyway.

@Sleepless and Manic : I don't think he could get in contact. I made it pretty clear i didn't want to, and didn't tell him my surname, or where I live, and he doesn't live anywhere near me. My friend wouldn't give any of those details to him either.

@burke027 : I don't think I'm high and mighty. I know that I'm the exact opposite and that I don't deserve someone that has been faithful to me.

fergus1001

carriemath14 wrote: »

When I posted this I knew the replies were going to be negative. I just needed to get it off my chest and attempt to put into words how I felt. I know what I did was horrible, deceitful and wrong. That's why I felt so guilty about it, I feel guilty both that I didn't resist like I should have, and that I didn't regret it immediately afterwards.

To be honest I think I posted too soon after it happened, I hadn't had a chance to actually think about just how wrong it was and how hurt I would be if it had been the other way around. I do now regret that it happened, and I feel disgusted that I even considered kissing the guy let alone sleeping with him. I've been with my boyfriend since I was a teenager and we became parents when we were very young, and that's as exciting as things got for us. I've always resisted temptation before, I never found it that hard and that's why I found it so hard to get this guy out of my head, because I don't quite understand just what it was about him that swayed me. I agree with every one of your comments, I'm completely 100% in the wrong, and that's why it got to me so much that I couldn't get him out of my head

@Mr.McLovin : We were talking about both of our kids, I think that's how we got on well in the beginning, we were the only two in the group that have a child. He's single and so I know I'm the only one in the wrong. We did use protection but I've booked myself in to get checked anyway to be on the safe side, and I won't risk passing anything onto my boyfriend in the mean time.

@galwayredgirl : I'm not going to tell him. We need to sit down and talk a lot more about whether we should stay together because we want to be together, or if it's just been for the sake of our child for a while now. If we do decide to break up there's no point in hurting him when it's over anyway, its not going to change anything. And that is kind of selfish of me but I can't face telling him yet anyway.

@Sleepless and Manic : I don't think he could get in contact. I made it pretty clear i didn't want to, and didn't tell him my surname, or where I live, and he doesn't live anywhere near me. My friend wouldn't give any of those details to him either.

@burke027 : I don't think I'm high and mighty. I know that I'm the exact opposite and that I don't deserve someone that has been faithful to me.

You know what you have to do

If that happened to me (from the boyfriends point of view) I would be shaken to the core

You cheated on him in the most serious way so he will have alot of questions in his head

I think your position with him is untenable just because of the cheating regardless of the other factors

He never cheated on you, a relationship is about mutual respect and that is not there in your one

Freddie Dodge

carriemath14 wrote: »

@galwayredgirl : I'm not going to tell him. We need to sit down and talk a lot more about whether we should stay together because we want to be together, or if it's just been for the sake of our child for a while now. If we do decide to break up there's no point in hurting him when it's over anyway, its not going to change anything. And that is kind of selfish of me but I can't face telling him yet anyway.

So you're going to sit him down on a false premise and have a serious discussion about the future of your relationship ? You're going to make life changing decisions while he has half or less of the relevant information?

You got the last line correct anyway.

Tbh, just leave him, he would be better off with someone less selfish or on his own.

Taltos

I don't think like above you should just leave him but after so long together and a child he deserves to know the truth. How else can he make an informed decision on HIS future and yours unless you tell him now. Otherwise you run the risk of 5 or 10 years down the line someone (even you) telling him and the result - he will blame you for the rest of your life for tricking him into staying with you...

Tilly

This person is a friend of a friend. There is every chance this is going to get back to your BF. It's not like you shagged some randomer. This is going to come back and bite you in the arse if you dont confess. I promise you that!

Mr.McLovin

carriemath14 wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend since I was a teenager and we became parents when we were very young, and that's as exciting as things got for us. I've always resisted temptation before, I never found it that hard and that's why I found it so hard to get this guy out of my head, because I don't quite understand just what it was about him that swayed me.

@Mr.McLovin : We were talking about both of our kids, I think that's how we got on well in the beginning, we were the only two in the group that have a child. He's single and so I know I'm the only one in the wrong. We did use protection but I've booked myself in to get checked anyway to be on the safe side, and I won't risk passing anything onto my boyfriend in the mean time.

@galwayredgirl : I'm not going to tell him. We need to sit down and talk a lot more about whether we should stay together because we want to be together, or if it's just been for the sake of our child for a while now. If we do decide to break up there's no point in hurting him when it's over anyway, its not going to change anything. And that is kind of selfish of me but I can't face telling him yet anyway.

It may not be that this particular guy was anymore special than the last person you resisted temptation with as you put it but was probably the guy that broke the camels back if get me. I wouldn't go chasing him and jump into another relationship, you need to be single for awhile if that's the road you go down.

I think settling down and having a child so young has disaster written all over it. I see it time and time again. We're young we wanna have fun and you want to meet and fun with different people, its natural. You feel you've missed out, its up to you to weight this up against how you feel about your bf.

I don't really agree with not telling your bf want you have done but you must be honest with yourself about your relationship and then be honest with him, there is no cowardly way around that one and its got to be done.

The only reason I would not tell him about the cheating is if you are breaking up with him anyways, for your childs sake so the parenting relationship does not break down which often happens and the child suffers.

Hope you make the right choices, you know what they are, good luck

heretochat

This baffles me too. You state that you are going to sit down and talk to him about the future of your relationship while at the same time holding back a huge piece of information that he needs to make his own informed decision on where it is going. Very selfish in my opinion.

Pippy1976

I wouldn't go ending your relationship, that's been working perfectly o.k. up to now, over a stupid mistake that you acknowledge was silly and a huge error of judgement.

Sit with it for a while. Weigh up your options. You may not want this other guy at all but the excitement and illicitness of it is probably making you want to be a bit wreckless.

You have a child with your partner. You've been together for a long time. Of course things get stagnant but you've obviously got something that works with this man so deciding to give it all up over some random'er would be foolhardy.

You've made an awful mistake. This is true. But I wouldn't throw away a longterm relationship over it. I was with my boyfriend for 3 years, I cheated on him one night (a kiss with a stranger) and I broke up with him 2 days later... out of guilt, not out of not loving him anymore. It was the worst decision I ever made. Granted I've moved on but I was really silly to throw away a great relationship with a great guy over something that meant very little to me, if anything at all.

Think wisely is my tuppence worth.

Mr.McLovin

Pippy1976 wrote: »

You've made an awful mistake. This is true. But I wouldn't throw away a longterm relationship over it.

good point, I wouldn't advise the op to split from her bf to avoid her own guilt or to weasel out of telling him what she's done which maybe appealing at the moment because of what she's done.

heretochat

Mr.McLovin wrote: »

good point, I wouldn't advise the op to split from her bf to avoid her own guilt or to weasel out of telling him what she's done which maybe appealing at the moment because of what she's done.

I'm sorry but I don't think the OP should get to choose where this relationship goes from here. She slept with another guy. Her OH deserves to know the truth and then see where it goes.

Mr.McLovin

heretochat wrote: »

I'm sorry but I don't think the OP should get to choose where this relationship goes from here. She slept with another guy. Her OH deserves to know the truth and then see where it goes.

I don't either but she's clearly stated she's not going there

Pippy1976

No, she shouldn't get to choose. She should sit with her partner and talk things through. I'm sure her partner won't throw away the relationship as at this stage of the game they know eachother inside out and should be able to work things out, if that's what they both want.

She did sleep with another guy but splitting up and running for the hills, when there's a family unit involved, is not the solution. Nobody'll benefit from that. This is a longterm relationship with a child... not some teenage 6-month'er!

heretochat wrote: »

I'm sorry but I don't think the OP should get to choose where this relationship goes from here. She slept with another guy. Her OH deserves to know the truth and then see where it goes.

Tasden

Pippy1976 wrote: »

No, she shouldn't get to choose. She should sit with her partner and talk things through. I'm sure her partner won't throw away the relationship as at this stage of the game they know eachother inside out and should be able to work things out, if that's what they both want.

She did sleep with another guy but splitting up and running for the hills, when there's a family unit involved, is not the solution. Nobody'll benefit from that. This is a longterm relationship with a child... not some teenage 6-month'er!

Yet shes sleeping with other people as if it is some teenage six month relationship. If the "family unit" meant all that much to begin with then she wouldn't have slept with someone else, because op knew damn well what the consequences would be. Saving a family based on lies isn't exactly ideal either.

Op you should tell your partner and both decide together based on the facts, if the alternative is leaving him anyway you may as well lay all the cards on the table first.

I dunno, sometimes I think telling the cheated upon partner and letting them decide is actually the easy option, it saves the cheater from making hard decisions for themselves.

It depends on what you want to happen and how you want it to happen, there are pluses and minuses each way. IF and only if, you're absolutely certain, beyond all doubt at all, that you want to save your family and that you will never, under ANY circumstances cheat again, you have two ways to go.

1. You confess all to your partner, and let him decide if this is a deal breaker, and if it is you split the family, and if it isn't you wound him all but mortally and try pick up the pieces and earn trust again. This way puts the ball in his court, and you get to unburden yourself from the guilt, even if it doesn't absolve you from it. You might stay together, you might not. It's going to be a tough period of distrust and pain, and your child will certainly pick up on this and suffer too.

2. You don't tell him. You put your everything into addressing whatever it is in yourself and in your relationship that enabled you to give yourself permission to risk everything for a one nighter. You put your families stability at the front of your mind, and inform all decisions in future with their best interests at heart. This way saves him pain at least, makes you responsible alone for putting right what you did wrong, but it means you live with the knowledge and the guilt alone.

The second choice isn't really yours to make if there is any risk at all of your partner finding out about it. Nobody deserves to hear that from a third party. There is a family at stake here, don't hurt people unnecessarily and don't ever take risks with your partners, and even more pertinently, your childs stability like that again, it's the definition of selfishness.

galwayredgirl

He might be very reasonable and accepting and say OK "We all make mistakes, lets move on and put it behind us"

Its good to clear the air every now and then. He might even share info with you...

Notorious

I think that if you're planning on having a chat about where your relationship is headed, it's very unfair of you not to lay all of your cards on the table and come clean about everything. How can he make a fair call about the direction your relationship is headed if you don't let him know everything?

LegacyUser

I agree - tell him. I was in the position where an ex cheated on me and didn't tell me. I found out later and I was absolutely furious that he hadn't told me. In fact, I'd suspected him and he told me over and over that I was crazy and jealous and that he hadn't done anything.

The thing I was angriest about was that I wasted so much time with him and lost out on other opportunities. I had been asked out by other men and turned them down because I thought I was in a happy relationship. I turned down a job offer abroad because I wanted to stay in Ireland with my boyfriend. It's years later and I still feel so angry and resentful that I lost out on opportunities due to someone else's pure selfishness. It should have been MY decision whether or not to leave him after his cheating and you need to give you boyfriend that decision, not make it for him.

Fudge You

Tell him everything. He needs to know.

Id say your relationship is over. Because you said "it has made me question my relationship ever since."

Exclamation Marc

From experience, cheating to that degree ALWAYS comes out in the end. I was cheated on before and didn't know the full extent of it until nearly 6 months later when it came out, when my gf at the time probably thought it had been covered up.

Because it took so long, because of the utter betrayal and mainly because of the lack of honesty up front, I could never forgive her and to this day I still harbour bad feelings for her (rightly or wrongly).

If she had been more honest up front, there may have been a sliver of a chance. More so, I would have appreciated that I was given all the information up front and respected that she at least took responsibility. What hurt most was that I was lied to consistently for 6 months and made feel like I was paranoid. If you think it'll be awful telling him now, you've no idea how much worse it will be if and when he finds out.

Look at it in black and white, your friend of a friend may tell other people and eventually it WILL get back to your other half, either by a third party or it'll come out in a fight or by mistake by you. Have some respect for your other half and be honest. That's the least he deserves after what you've done to him.

galwayredgirl

Any news op?

Tokyo

galwayredgirl - as per the forum charter, it's not the done thing in PI/RI to ask fro updates from the OP. Seeing as you are a new poster here, it might be a good idea to take a read of the charter before posting again.

Regards,
Mike

fruitshot

Merkin wrote: »

Well of course you should question your relationship. What on earth possessed you to go and shag some randomer when you've a partner and child at home?

you should do the honest thing and leave your boyfriend,,,you are a cheat and don't deserve him,,,once a cheater always a cheater,,,imo,,,

Taltos

fruitshot please don't dig up old threads. As you are new to PI can I take this opportunity to ask you to read our charter before you post again.

Thanks
Taltos