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Long Term Relationship - I can't end it / don't know how

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    #32
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Glad you are seeing sense op. It's fair to both of you in the end that you have the chance to meet someone very special.

    Have a plan in place to move out so she gets some space quickly. Don't offer to be friends but do answer all her questions gently. I wouldn't say it's been two years but I would make sure she knows there is no going back. It's also important that you know there is no going back so you don't turn to her when you are missing her or feeling lonely etc

    I finished an engagement before and it was very hard but he has moved on and married since and I'm sure he is very happy. She deserves someone who loves the bones of her and each day you keep her is a day you are denying her that. Do it today


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    #33
    iwantmydinner
    Registered Users Posts: 3,246 ✭✭✭iwantmydinner


    Good stuff OP. It's not easy but you clearly know that this is over. There's no way to approach it other than just blurring it out face to face. Be clear about your own reasons for ending it, be patient, be firm.


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    #34
    Meathlass
    Registered Users Posts: 3,023 ✭✭✭Meathlass


    Hey OP. I've been on the other side of this. After a 3.5 year relationship I was dumped out of the blue in a carpark in early January! The worst part though was that he admitted he'd realized he wanted to end it in early December but wanted me to enjoy my Christmas so waited until January to break it off.

    I felt like crap, like everything all over Christmas was a charade: all the nights out, presents, weekend away for NYE. Now imagine your girlfriend dealing with the realization that the last 2 years of her life is a charade?

    You need to man up and do it. It'll be difficult, there'll be tears and hurt but it's best for the long term.


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    #35
    Maphisto
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,014 ✭✭✭Maphisto


    iwantmydinner wrote: »
    Good stuff OP. It's not easy but you clearly know that this is over. There's no way to approach it other than just blurring it out face to face. Be clear about your own reasons for ending it, be patient, be firm.

    I didn't read that.

    I seem to be out of kilter with eveyone else, but I'm reading "I love this woman but not in love" "I want this relationship to work". I've probably para-phrased badly but that the jist of what I get :confused:


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    #36
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Maphisto wrote: »
    I didn't read that.

    I seem to be out of kilter with eveyone else, but I'm reading "I love this woman but not in love" "I want this relationship to work". I've probably para-phrased badly but that the jist of what I get :confused:

    He doesn't want to marry / have kids with her and she wants both.


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    #37
    Raminahobbin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,983 ✭✭✭Raminahobbin


    Maphisto wrote: »
    I didn't read that.

    I seem to be out of kilter with eveyone else, but I'm reading "I love this woman but not in love" "I want this relationship to work". I've probably para-phrased badly but that the jist of what I get :confused:

    He's just processing the idea of the relationship ending and is struggling to come to terms with what he knows to be true. If he's saying he's pretty sure he doesn't see a future with her, then the other stuff he says is irrelevant. Idealistic subjectivity that will fade the further he gets from the relationship.


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    #38
    Maphisto
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,014 ✭✭✭Maphisto


    CaraMay wrote: »
    He doesn't want to marry / have kids with her and she wants both.
    Raminahobbin wrote: »
    He's just processing the idea of the relationship ending and is struggling to come to terms with what he knows to be true. If he's saying he's pretty sure he doesn't see a future with her, then the other stuff he says is irrelevant. Idealistic subjectivity that will fade the further he gets from the relationship.

    OK got it, I'm back up with the rest of the class now.


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    #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,

    I'm going unreg for this as its deeply personal.

    I've been on the receiving end of a relationship break up. Long term, thought we were madly in love, it wasn't perfect, but I was willing to do anything for him, and for us to work. He pretended that he felt the same.

    Until one day I got a phone call on my way home from work saying we need to talk. I innocently thought he might be sick, or something major with his family etc.

    He ended it. Said exactly what you are thinking, that he was not in love with me, he wanted to remain friends, but we had no future.
    I'm not going to lie, it BROKE my heart. I was inconsolable. I asked him never to contact me again. He seemed upset at this which I found a bit rich. We went from living together, being what I thought was madly in love, to beings strangers in the space of 5 mins. What I found most difficult was that my best friend and partner had in my eyes deceived me in every way, as he hadnt even discussed with me how he felt. The pretence that he kept up for what must have been months was the most hurtful.

    BUT I got over it. It upturned my life, but with the benefit of hind sight I can now say that he did completely the right thing. So much iso that 2 years on I've never been happier. I am now in what is a fantastic relationship with someone I never thought it was possible to feel so good about and in love with. We have an open and honest conversations about how we feel, and I am so thankful to my ex for breaking up with me.

    Please do it now. Dont wait any longer. Break up with her. Let her go off and live her life. Do not stay friends, as she wont be able to get over that. It will hurt you too, but you know what, you need to suck that up, and let her go. You have no right to keep lieing to her , just so you dont feel bad about hurting her. You owe her that much.


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