I slapped my 3 year old

LegacyUser

As the title says, I slapped him across the face yesterday and I feel so bad that I cry every time I think about it. It wasn't particularly hard but would have stung a bit. Basically he was having a tantrum that involved hitting, kicking, trying to scratch me and spitting at me. I kept ignoring him until I just snapped and without even thinking I did it. It's no excuse but I'm exhausted at the moment as I have a baby that doesn't sleep, so I'm finding it so much harder to deal with my 3 year old.

I can't take it back but I'm so worried that it's sending my toddler a message that it's ok to hit. I said sorry to him after and got him to say sorry to me for his behaviour. I'm just looking for some advice to help me move on from this and how to handle the situation better the next time. I don't want to be a parent that hits their children.

January

Hi OP,
I am very sorry it took so long to approve your post, I'm also dealing with a newborn at the moment so only saw this unapproved thread now.

I hope you're feeling a bit better now... I'm not going to berate you for what you did, it already seems you know it was wrong and are looking to try to fix this.

You need to take a step back when your child is throwing a tantrum and maybe count to ten in your head or leave the room for a few seconds before you react to it to gather your thoughts. It might also be worth your while looking into a parenting course (I'm not saying you are a bad parent but I did one of these courses recently because it was recommended to me by my childs Early Intervention team and it helped a lot with me coping with her tantrums and the way she sometimes behaves) like Parents Plus or something similar.

Rose35

Hi OP,
I hope you are feeling better now, I think we all sometimes find ourselves in that situation where
we feel we are losing control and are frustrated, great advice from January above, I know there
are times I wish I had handled a situation differently, it is plain to see how sorry you are, it is an awful
feeling I know.

Pawwed Rig

There is an argument to be made for corporal punishment* whether you believe in it or not however one thing all will agree on is that you never hit a child in anger which you have done in this case. I do not think you fully accept what you did as you try to distance yourself from it when you say 'It wasn't particularly hard but would have stung a bit' and 'I'm exhausted at the moment'.
It sounds to me like you are not coping with your situation given the behaviour of the 3 year old so you need to ask for help if it is available. Have you got a routine for your children and do you stick to it? Have you learned how to deal with children? It should be a proactive learning experience for you rather than a learn as you go. There are plenty of books available which I assume you will have read before the first child was born but if you haven't you really need to study up.



*not trying to turn the conversation to for and against

sswathi

Feelingawful wrote: »

As the title says, I slapped him across the face yesterday and I feel so bad that I cry every time I think about it. It wasn't particularly hard but would have stung a bit. Basically he was having a tantrum that involved hitting, kicking, trying to scratch me and spitting at me. I kept ignoring him until I just snapped and without even thinking I did it. It's no excuse but I'm exhausted at the moment as I have a baby that doesn't sleep, so I'm finding it so much harder to deal with my 3 year old.

I can't take it back but I'm so worried that it's sending my toddler a message that it's ok to hit. I said sorry to him after and got him to say sorry to me for his behaviour. I'm just looking for some advice to help me move on from this and how to handle the situation better the next time. I don't want to be a parent that hits their children.

Just a hug from me...sometimes we are also human, rather than being parent...

mapaca

Just wanted to reply and say you're not alone, tantrums can be very upsetting and frustrating and it's easy to lose your cool. At least you can see that slapping your child is not the way to deal with it. Good on you for talking it out with him afterwards.
My little girl had the mother of all tantrums one day, in public of course, I cried for an hour after it, it was terrible!
I would suggest reading up on some techniques for dealing with it the next time you feel a tantrum is building up, a Google search will bring up loads. Then you will feel more ready for it and more in control.
If you feel you are on the verge of hitting him again, step back, walk away into the next room, close the door for a minute if you have to, phone someone, whatever it takes for you to collect yourself. You are doing your best. It will get easier.

Pawwed Rig

The responses here are staggering. What the OP did is not ok and from what we have heard so far most people here think it is. I can guarantee if I started a post saying I slapped my wife/girlfriend/mother across the face in a fit of rage because she was 'stressing' me and then forced her to apologise to me afterwards the condemnation would be going on for pages. There would be talk of anger management, legal intervention, marriage guidance and probable abuse.
What are we getting here? Awww hugs, if you know it was wrong don't upset yourself! Awww sure we all get stressed! Are we suggesting that the child somehow deserved it? Are we saying that the odd slap across the face when we lose control is acceptable? How about a punch? How about a 2 year old? A 1 year old? a newborn?
If the OP cannot handle her kids then she needs help rather than posters here telling her it is OK. Because IT IS NOT OK.

The poor little 3 year old is way too small to defend himself against the OP and is then forced to apologise? Unbelievable and sickening.

diveout

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The responses here are staggering. What the OP did is not ok and from what we have heard so far most people here think it is. I can guarantee if I started a post saying I slapped my wife/girlfriend/mother across the face in a fit of rage because she was 'stressing' me and then forced her to apologise to me afterwards the condemnation would be going on for pages. There would be talk of anger management, legal intervention, marriage guidance and probable abuse.
What are we getting here? Awww hugs, if you know it was wrong don't upset yourself! Awww sure we all get stressed! Are we suggesting that the child somehow deserved it? Are we saying that the odd slap across the face when we lose control is acceptable? How about a punch? How about a 2 year old? A 1 year old? a newborn?
If the OP cannot handle her kids then she needs help rather than posters here telling her it is OK. Because IT IS NOT OK.

The poor little 3 year old is way too small to defend himself against the OP and is then forced to apologise? Unbelievable and sickening.

I don't think this is true. If you had a three year old and a sleepless baby you were raising, I think you would get a lot of sympathy.

evolving_doors

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The responses here are staggering. What the OP did is not ok and from what we have heard so far most people here think it is. I can guarantee if I started a post saying I slapped my wife/girlfriend/mother across the face in a fit of rage because she was 'stressing' me and then forced her to apologise to me afterwards the condemnation would be going on for pages. There would be talk of anger management, legal intervention, marriage guidance and probable abuse.
What are we getting here? Awww hugs, if you know it was wrong don't upset yourself! Awww sure we all get stressed! Are we suggesting that the child somehow deserved it? Are we saying that the odd slap across the face when we lose control is acceptable? How about a punch? How about a 2 year old? A 1 year old? a newborn?
If the OP cannot handle her kids then she needs help rather than posters here telling her it is OK. Because IT IS NOT OK.

The poor little 3 year old is way too small to defend himself against the OP and is then forced to apologise? Unbelievable and sickening.

Read the thread again maybe, the oxygen seems to be a bit thin up there on your high horse.
Nobody suggested it was ok to slap.
The poster suggesting a hug was offering an alternative to slapping.
I don't think the OP is looking for advice on how best to slap their child either.

Anyway OP, next time you feel the urge when it gets too much you need to draw on how you feel now so it will remind you that its wrong.

Just remember its probably more about control than teaching your son a lesson. As a parent you exercise an enormous amount of control over your kids so naturally enough when they take that away (tantrums etc.) you are at a loss.. hence the violent act (this is your own form of irrational tantrum!)... Next time, remember that you are always in control no matter what they are doing wrong, use a firm voice and keep going , have patience if there is a mexican standoff.
Generally 9/10 times if boys are acting irrational its because they are hungry or tired.

Also remember..if your children are doing something wrong its ALWAYS your fault as you are their primary educator. When chastising them you should also be listening to your own words!

Pawwed Rig

diveout wrote: »

I don't think this is true. If you had a three year old and a sleepless baby you were raising, I think you would get a lot of sympathy.

Ok so stress is an excuse for violence? The children drove her to it? If I slapped a 3 year old across the face in anger it is not sympathy I would be looking for or expect. If she is not able to deal with her children she needs to ask for help.

Armelodie wrote: »

Nobody suggested it was ok to slap.

No but posters here are saying it is understandable to strike out at a defenceless 3 year old and the perpetrator deserves sympathy.

How often have we heard on this forum that if a person is violent once they will be violent again? Sure they feel remorse at the time and excuse it to themselves by giving excuses like 'I was stressed' 'His/her behaviour drove me to it'. Generally the advice here is pretty consistant and clear in that the victim or the perpetrator needs to seek help. In this case the victim is unable to seek help and the 'advice' to the perpetrator is that it is an understandable act of aggression.

Count to 10 and cool down?? I will put that advice on the next domestic abuse thread and see what the response will be. It is laughable advice and setting up this poor child to be lashed out at again the next time the OP is feeling stressed.

OP, if you care for your children get help.

diveout

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Ok so stress is an excuse for violence? The children drove her to it? If I slapped a 3 year old across the face in anger it is not sympathy I would be looking for or expect. If she is not able to deal with her children she needs to ask for help.

No but posters here are saying it is understandable to strike out at a defenceless 3 year old and the perpetrator deserves sympathy.

How often have we heard on this forum that if a person is violent once they will be violent again? Sure they feel remorse at the time and excuse it to themselves by giving excuses like 'I was stressed' 'His/her behaviour drove me to it'. Generally the advice here is pretty consistant and clear in that the victim or the perpetrator needs to seek help. In this case the victim is unable to seek help and the 'advice' to the perpetrator is that it is an understandable act of aggression.

Count to 10 and cool down?? I will put that advise on the next domestic abuse thread and see what the response will be. It is laughable advice and setting up this poor child to be lashed out at again the next time the OP is feeling stressed.

OP, if you care for your children get help.

Ok, PW one swallow does not a summer make.

No I don't have the same response when I read threads about violence that if they do it once they will do it again, and abusers never change and the usual PC cliched tripe I read over and over again on these boards.

She sounds like she needs help with the kids, so she can get some sleep. If this is not a pattern, she was probably at breaking point.

Actually counting to ten wont work that well, now that you mention it, but if you count backwards from 100 subtracting increments of 7 it slows down your brain and gives you something else to focus on.

January

This forum is for advice, not to judge. I think everyone knows hitting a child (or anyone) is wrong but the OP did not come here to be berated for that she came here for ADVICE on how not to end up in that situation again. Posters suggested she get some help (I myself suggested she take some parenting classes).

Maybe counting to ten won't help, maybe it will. Leaving the room for a while to gather their thoughts certainly will. There is no excuse for hitting a child but it is very stressful raising children as I'm sure you well know and sometimes some parents do lose control. It doesn't mean they should immediately give their children up to social services and hand them selves into the Gardai.

diveout

January wrote: »

This forum is for advice, not to judge. I think everyone knows hitting a child (or anyone) is wrong but the OP did not come here to be berated for that she came here for ADVICE on how not to end up in that situation again. Posters suggested she get some help (I myself suggested she take some parenting classes).

Maybe counting to ten won't help, maybe it will. Leaving the room for a while to gather their thoughts certainly will. There is no excuse for hitting a child but it is very stressful raising children as I'm sure you well know and sometimes some parents do lose control. It doesn't mean they should immediately give their children up to social services and hand them selves into the Gardai.

Also, to add to youe very good points, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to admit this both to yourself and to strangers. I had a friend of mine in absolute tears one day because she slapped her 8 year old after he ran off in a big shopping centre and the police had to be called to find him. There was fear behind her anger and she was crucifying herself with guilt but because it took so much courage for her to talk about it, I think that should be treated with some delicacy rather than punitive judgement.

Zulu

I have to say, as a father of an 18month old I'm with PW on this. Get help op, get help.

Folks this wasn't a slap on the bum or legs (not that they would be acceptable), but a slap across the face. op needs anger management before this gets worse.

diveout

OP, how much sleep are you getting?

Nodferatu

I approve of smacking your own children IF they deserve it. I was beaten with a wooden spoon and leathered across my palm of my hand when i was bold as a child and i turned out just fine. It did the world of good to me and my brother growing up. It gave us boundaries and to have respect and realize you CANT always get what you want. Respect is earned not bought with toys to shushh them for a few hours.

I think kids these days have it waaaay too easy and dont know what they want. They dont respect what they have. Iphones and tablets are the norm instead of toys or aswell as. Dont be so hard on yourself OP. You did it but didnt mean to. We all have a limit.

Whatsgonewrong

I dont see what the problem Is... children shouldn't be allowed to get away with that kind of bull****, they need to be put into line.

anncoates

I wouldn't necessarily be against occasional light snacking on the hand or bottom but a smack to the face is different.

I'm not judging though OP. We all know how far children can push us and I certainly have lost my cool with my boys on occasion. We're parents not super humans. Just move on and try and identify the times when you are under that kind of stress and anticipate it. It usually works for me. Also it's not bad parenting to occasionally get angry with your kids within reason.

whupdedo

Nodferatu wrote: »

I approve of smacking your own children IF they deserve it. I was beaten with a wooden spoon and leathered across my palm of my hand when i was bold as a child and i turned out just fine. It did the world of good to me and my brother growing up. It gave us boundaries and to have respect and realize you CANT always get what you want. Respect is earned not bought with toys to shushh them for a few hours.

I think kids these days have it waaaay too easy and dont know what they want. They dont respect what they have. Iphones and tablets are the norm instead of toys or aswell as. Dont be so hard on yourself OP. You did it but didnt mean to. We all have a limit.

I have to agree with you, and op you shouldn't be too hard on yourself these things happen, your child will forget it quickly, sometimes kids need a good sharp slap from time to time to bring them into line, the naughty step in my opinion is just a silly notion which doesn't really deter any bad behaviour

lulu1

While I agree a slap on the leg or bum when the child is playing up in my book will do no harm I have done it myself, but I do feel that to slap the child accross the face the op must really have lost it Having to deal with sleepless nights is definately not helping the situation. I dont think any one here is telling op that its ok to slap they are just saying that they understand how she feels. Op dont be too hard on yourself but I would make an app with doc just to rule out post natal depression

ElleEm

OP, you lost control and that is the crux of the issue here.
You clearly need more support. If your partner is around, talk to him about how you are feeling. Take family and friends up on any offers of help, maybe try to spend some time with/ talking to new parents in your situation and get in contact with a local family centre or Barnardos about doing a parenting course to help you cope better with your toddler's behaviour. I understand that parenting two little ones is not easy, but you really need to learn how to manage it as soon as possible.

Le Henry

Don't beat yourself up over thid OP, a slap is warranted from time to time..

Le Henry

Don't beat yourself up over thid OP, a slap is warranted from time to time..

lukesmom

As a mother of a 1 year old and 3 and 12 year old I can totally empathise with your situation. I have smacked my child on the back of the legs before. So shoot me! He was throwing a tantrum. Yeah it's probably not the best way of disciplining but at the time it's what I did. I felt awful after it and can honestly say I've not done it since. But I was very stressed and so was the op. Not like she committed attempted murder, she slapped her child on the face. It's the face bit that seems to be annoying people the most. Parenting is very tough, throw sleepless nights and tantrums in the mix and it gets much tougher.

Just learn from it OP. That's what it's all about, learning. They don't come with a manual unfortunately. Don't beat yourself up about it.

wingnut32

There's nothing wrong with the odd smack here or there when deserved. Ive seen many situations with kids out of control before while a clueless parent looks on..I know who Id be slapping first if I had the chance.

starlight baby

To all you saying it's ok to slap a child when they're acting up, tell me, if your boss or Neighbour or friend or relative was annoying you, or acting like an idiot, would you hit them? No, why not? Because they would hit you back? Because they're an adult? Because you don't OWN them, like you own your child?

Why is it ok to physically hurt a small defenceless human to 'teach' them a lesson, regardless of how minor you view the pain. Why do you get to decide its ok to hurt them? Are you that lacking in love and intelligence that you can't speak to your child and teach them consequences and right from wrong, and you need to inflict physical pain?

Let's take another example.. An elderly person suffering from dementia.. They can sometimes revert to a child like state and be incredibly frustrating to deal with, through no fault of their own. Would it be ok to give them a slap if they're not behaving the way you want them to?
Most people, if they saw somebody give a slap to an animal would be appalled.

The the original OP, I sympathise. I know what it's like to be exhausted and stressed. I think it's a good sign that you acknowledge you were wrong. You need to seek help with your children to allow you to sleep a little more and manage your stress. Hopefully this incident will have given you such a fright that this will never happen again. If you feel unable to cope ask friends, relatives, your partner, your public health nurse.. Sometimes just catching an hours nap during the day while somebody watches your children can make all the difference.

Chattastrophe!

I'm horrified that people actually think it's OK to slap toddlers. Even the OP isn't saying that it's OK to do so, they are looking for advice to stop it from happening again. They are not looking for anyone to justify their actions, or to say that it's OK.

Neither is it constructive to tell them how awful it is. I get the impression that they're very well aware that it's wrong to slap a child. You can't change what's done, and berating the OP isn't going to help.

OP I'd say learn from this and move on. You know yourself that slapping the child did not improve the situation. Next time you're feeling that level of frustration and anger, remove yourself from the situation. Go into the other room. If at all possible, have a family member or friend or neighbour take the child for a while, and you go for a walk (as someone with a small baby and with no family in the area, I'm very well aware that this is easier said than done!) No matter how bold the child is being, don't engage with them while you're angry. It's not constructive.

You are not a bad person and you are not a bad parent. It was a once-off which your child will probably never remember. I think it probably hurt you far, far more than it hurt your child! You are in control here, and you can make sure that it never happens again.

Qualitymark

Thread creep - whoever it was said "I'm not trying to turn this into for and against", well, that was a bit disingenuous.

OP, and any others who might be interested, there's an Alternatives to Violence Project workshop on July 10 and 11; it's being held in the Church of Ireland College of Education in Rathmines. It's not cheap - it costs €90 - but this is a useful course, which is used in prisons and elsewhere.

The workshop builds awareness and skills in establishing self-esteem, affirmation, trust and co-operation, awareness of violence/non-violence, transforming power and conflict resolution.

http://avpinternational.org is the website of AVP.

It's also not very well known that there are free parenting courses run by the HSE. They're small and not that easy to get into, but they teach fabulous methods - for instance, how to avoid tantrums where possible before they happen, so both parent and child don't have to confront the stress and anger.

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/2/PrimaryCare/pcteams/dublinsouthpcts/dunlaoghaireglasthulepct/parentsplus.html

January

Qualitymark wrote: »

Thread creep - whoever it was said "I'm not trying to turn this into for and against", well, that was a bit disingenuous.

OP, and any others who might be interested, there's an Alternatives to Violence Project workshop on July 10 and 11; it's being held in the Church of Ireland College of Education in Rathmines. It's not cheap - it costs €90 - but this is a useful course, which is used in prisons and elsewhere.

The workshop builds awareness and skills in establishing self-esteem, affirmation, trust and co-operation, awareness of violence/non-violence, transforming power and conflict resolution.

http://avpinternational.org is the website of AVP.

It's also not very well known that there are free parenting courses run by the HSE. They're small and not that easy to get into, but they teach fabulous methods - for instance, how to avoid tantrums where possible before they happen, so both parent and child don't have to confront the stress and anger.

http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/2/PrimaryCare/pcteams/dublinsouthpcts/dunlaoghaireglasthulepct/parentsplus.html

The parents plus course is fantastic, I attended a local one last year.

Qualitymark

January wrote: »

The parents plus course is fantastic, I attended a local one last year.

What did you learn about tantrums?

Tasden

whupdedo wrote: »

I have to agree with you, and op you shouldn't be too hard on yourself these things happen, your child will forget it quickly, sometimes kids need a good sharp slap from time to time to bring them into line, the naughty step in my opinion is just a silly notion which doesn't really deter any bad behaviour

And how does slapping them deter bad behaviour? They're so scared of getting a slap that they don't do it again?
I think I'd prefer my child to behave well because they've been taught what is right and wrong, not because they're scared they will be hurt if they do something wrong. I've never used a naughty step or a slap. She behaves herself. Lack of slapping does not equate to lack of discipline.
I'd be extremely let down in myself tbh if I thought that my child was scared of me hurting them with a "sharp slap". That's not a parenting tool. At least the op can admit that it was out of desperation and was not right.

Op I'd look into getting some more support if you're finding it so difficult with the two babies. Do you have a partner? Can you go to some parent toddler groups to break up your day and keep the toddler occupied for a bit? Talk to your PHN, you should see her regularly enough for the new baby so hopefully you feel you can talk to her, she will know how to support you, nobody will judge you for wanting help and preventing it happening again.