I slapped my 3 year old

lulu1

I think this slap was a once off because its clear to all how op is feeling. But talking from experience its all very well saying take up any offers of help babysitting ect from family and friends there might not be any offers. You will find some family and friends will only be around when it suits them to be.

diveout

I think the lady needs more sleep tbh, and that is what is comes down to.

ElleEm

lulu1 wrote: »

I think this slap was a once off because its clear to all how op is feeling. But talking from experience its all very well saying take up any offers of help babysitting ect from family and friends there might not be any offers. You will find some family and friends will only be around when it suits them to be.

The message that people are sending when they say "take up offers of babysitting" is that the OP needs more support, so if there are offers there, take them, if there aren't offers, then ask family and friends or the partner for help. The OP is clearly struggling, and this can only be helped by confiding in someone about the stress.

January

Qualitymark wrote: »

What did you learn about tantrums?

To be fair, there's more than one way to deal with a tantrum!

The method that works for me is usually distraction, although not always! Sometimes I have to ignore it and just let it run its course...

That's what works for me...

diveout

January wrote: »

To be fair, there's more than one way to deal with a tantrum!

The method that works for me is usually distraction, although not always! Sometimes I have to ignore it and just let it run its course...

That's what works for me...

Also tantrums can have so many different causes, there is no universal cure for them.

Qualitymark

I was taught, long years ago, that the best thing is to see when they're likely to happen and learn to find a route around!

Not always possible - there are times when you have to bring a tired, antsy toddler to the supermarket, for instance - but a surprising proportion of the time it is possible.

Zulu

Tantrums, like storms, need to be waited out.

Qualitymark

Zulu wrote: »

Tantrums, like storms, need to be waited out.

But kindly. A kid in the control of a hurricane-like tantrum is angry, but also scared by the loss of self-control. Best to give them the calm feeling that the anger will run its course soon, and you'll still be there, gently waiting.

Tasden

diveout wrote: »

I think the lady needs more sleep tbh, and that is what is comes down to.

Tbh that's hardly any consolation to the child that's being hit.

diveout

Tasden wrote: »

Tbh that's hardly any consolation to the child that's being hit.

Well it's a consolation in that if she gets more sleep she will have more control over herself.

Sleep deprivation is no joke. Behind a wheel it's as bad as being drunk.

And any anger management people will tell her that she her first port of call would be getting her needs met, and sleep is a basic human need.

Tasden

diveout wrote: »

Well it's a consolation in that if she gets more sleep she will have more control over herself.
.

A three year old can't comprehend that. So again, no consolation to the child. I'm not disagreeing with you, I know how hard it can be when you're tired. And that it was as a result of exhaustion and desperation, but the little three year old only knows that mammy, who is supposed to love and protect him, slapped him across the face; so to say that shes tired and that's all it comes down to is kind of insulting to the child being slapped. I'm sure op doesn't slap her colleagues/neighbours etc out of tiredness, it doesn't justify it, only explains how it got to that point. Op needs to develop coping mechanisms that allow her to control herself if it gets to that point again, not just accept that tiredness is to blame for it. There will always be days where she is exhausted, help or no help.

Advice to accept or look for more support is spot on but if that cant be done then what? Accept that when she is tired she might slap the child and its understandable because she hasn't enough support? Something stops op hitting others when she is tired so it is advisable to look into supports for dealing with the child specifically because she lashed out at the child, nobody else, the tiredness and frustration is exasperated by the child so if she has the tools to deal with the child especially during tantrums then she may not get to a point where she lashes out at the child.

marieholmfan

OP you've done nothing wrong and this is no big deal. A slap at the time of the tantrum is easily understood by the child. Stop beating yourself up about it get some fresh air and give your child a hug.

marieholmfan

The three year old knows that he was being a little see you next Tuesday an then his face hurt. Cause and effect in a way he can understand.

Tasden wrote: »

A three year old can't comprehend that. So again, no consolation to the child. I'm not disagreeing with you, I know how hard it can be when you're tired. And that it was as a result of exhaustion and desperation, but the little three year old only knows that mammy, who is supposed to love and protect him, slapped him across the face; so to say that shes tired and that's all it comes down to is kind of insulting to the child being slapped. I'm sure op doesn't slap her colleagues/neighbours etc out of tiredness, it doesn't justify it, only explains how it got to that point. Op needs to develop coping mechanisms that allow her to control herself if it gets to that point again, not just accept that tiredness is to blame for it. There will always be days where she is exhausted, help or no help.

Advice to accept or look for more support is spot on but if that cant be done then what? Accept that when she is tired she might slap the child and its understandable because she hasn't enough support? Something stops op hitting others when she is tired so it is advisable to look into supports for dealing with the child specifically because she lashed out at the child, nobody else, the tiredness and frustration is exasperated by the child so if she has the tools to deal with the child especially during tantrums then she may not get to a point where she lashes out at the child.

Tasden

marieholmfan wrote: »

The three year old knows that he was being a little see you next Tuesday an then his face hurt. Cause and effect in a way he can understand.

So in the playground a little boy cuts in front of OP's son on the slide. OP's son remembers this "cause and effect" and slaps the kid for being, as you say, "a little see you next Tuesday". What does OP do? Tell him its wrong to hit?

marieholmfan

Tasden wrote: »

So in the playground a little boy cuts in front of OP's son on the slide. OP's son remembers this "cause and effect" and slaps the kid for being, as you say, "a little see you next Tuesday". What does OP do? Tell him its wrong to hit?

What rational adult would intervene in a dispute between 3 year olds?

January

marieholmfan wrote: »

What rational adult would intervene in a dispute between 3 year olds?

If I saw my three year old hitting another child I'd intervene!

Tasden

January wrote: »

If I saw my three year old hitting another child I'd intervene!

I assumed that poster was just being facetious so ignored them!

Queen-Mise

January wrote: »

If I saw my three year old hitting another child I'd intervene!

Intervene for your child not the other child.


OP - let it go. Look at it as a wake up call (excuse the pun) as to how stressed and tired you really are.

This is white knuckled time. Another six weeks or two months should make a big difference. Get help from somewhere no matter what you have to do.

I presume you know, ignore the tantrums completely and utterly. Do not give a child acknowledgement of bad behaviour.
Remove yourself from the situation, keep walking away. Sing a song to yourself, whatever it is to ignore the child's behaviour. Turn up the radio, hang clothes on the line, obviously keep an eye on the toddler, but don't engage, you won't be able to calm them down.
The only way the child has of expressing that much anger, rage, pain, etc. is through the tantrum. Let them at it. And then when they calm down start praising all the good behaviour again.

You can't reason a child out of the tantrum. When you can reason the child out of the tantrums, that is when the terrible two/threes end. When I do x, then I lose or don't get y. And of course at this point, you may well get another tantrum, stand your ground though.


OP - its done. I don't think a smack every now and then is the worst thing in the world, but it shouldn't be the primary form of punishment or chastisement etc. Nor the second, or third either.

Sligo1

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Have you learned how to deal with children? It should be a proactive learning experience for you rather than a learn as you go. There are plenty of books available which I assume you will have read before the first child was born but if you haven't you really need to study up.

Firstly id like to say I would think most parents learn as they go! Now of course that is my opinion and perhaps a bit off topic. But I think trial and error is probably how most parents parent their children. No one child is the same, each a unique individual... Therefore a lot of the time different children will learn differently and from different cues. I'm definitely a parent who goes with the flow and learns as I go. No one parent is perfect.

As for the books??? What???!! Why on earth would you assume OP has read any parenting books before the first child came along? Im not saying a lot of parents dont read parenting books but That is an absolutely ridiculous assumption to make. I've 2 kids now and have never picked up a book on parenting... (Besides a weaning book that taught me how to purée a couple of foods!). And that doesn't make me a bad parent or one who doesn't take parenting seriously or any less of a parent than anybody else. Just ridiculous altogether.

Anyway with that rant over....

OP all I can say is support support support. Support is paramount to you and your child's wellbeing.

Nothing you have done is completely out of the ordinary. You have acknowledged it is something that you should not have done, that it has upset your child and yourself. It's all a learning experience for you and your child. Mind yourself and mind your child. It's obvious from your post you are upset about what has happened and that you love your little one. Give him a hug and learn from this experience.

lulu1

I know the child is only three but at that age they do know when and where to play up. Only a few weeks my sis had her grandchild in aldi she bought him a dvd and would he hand it to the cashier to scan it. He caught the dvd and flung it as far as he could down to the middle of the aisle could have hit someone that in my book would warrant a good slap on the behind.

Chattastrophe!

lulu1 wrote: »

I know the child is only three but at that age they do know when and where to play up. Only a few weeks my sis had her grandchild in aldi she bought him a dvd and would he hand it to the cashier to scan it. He caught the dvd and flung it as far as he could down to the middle of the aisle could have hit someone that in my book would warrant a good slap on the behind.

You really think a slap would have been the best way of dealing with this situation? Really?

As a matter of interest, did your sister go ahead and buy him the DVD after that?

diveout

Tasden wrote: »

A three year old can't comprehend that. So again, no consolation to the child. I'm not disagreeing with you, I know how hard it can be when you're tired. And that it was as a result of exhaustion and desperation, but the little three year old only knows that mammy, who is supposed to love and protect him, slapped him across the face; so to say that shes tired and that's all it comes down to is kind of insulting to the child being slapped. I'm sure op doesn't slap her colleagues/neighbours etc out of tiredness, it doesn't justify it, only explains how it got to that point. Op needs to develop coping mechanisms that allow her to control herself if it gets to that point again, not just accept that tiredness is to blame for it. There will always be days where she is exhausted, help or no help.

Advice to accept or look for more support is spot on but if that cant be done then what? Accept that when she is tired she might slap the child and its understandable because she hasn't enough support? Something stops op hitting others when she is tired so it is advisable to look into supports for dealing with the child specifically because she lashed out at the child, nobody else, the tiredness and frustration is exasperated by the child so if she has the tools to deal with the child especially during tantrums then she may not get to a point where she lashes out at the child.

Look I get what you are saying but we are wire crossing here.

One day I got off a plane very jet lagged on a red eye and got into my car. Entirely due to lack of transport available at this airport at that hour of the morning. I was facing a four hour drive and got pulled over for speeding into the third hour. And they were right to pull me over because I was so exhausted I wasn't realising I was going 75 miles an hour and the traffic officer said it was as bad or worse as being drunk. I said fair enough. Now it would be no consolation to anyone if I had hit them in an accident, and obviously I would be responsible for my actions, but I dont normally speed. I am normally a very conservative conncientious driver, and this would have been an abberation, not an example of my normal driving habits, all down to the products of exhaustion.

Similarly, when my child was a newborn and a young baby, he was a terrible sleeper, and I was totally out of it most of the time, I put coffee granules in the baby bottle once, would forget who I was talking to sometimes, put my car keys in the freezer, just completely zombified by it all.

And no...you're right this is no consolation to anyone who was around me at the time, but the fact is, sleep deprivation causes us to do things which are not our normal selves, so I think the judgy pantsness is a bit far fetched.

Zulu

lulu1 wrote: »

I know the child is only three but at that age they do know when and where to play up. Only a few weeks my sis had her grandchild in aldi she bought him a dvd and would he hand it to the cashier to scan it. He caught the dvd and flung it as far as he could down to the middle of the aisle could have hit someone that in my book would warrant a good slap on the behind.

How about a good slap across the face?

Pawwed Rig

Sligo1 wrote: »

Firstly id like to say I would think most parents learn as they go! Now of course that is my opinion and perhaps a bit off topic. But I think trial and error is probably how most parents parent their children. No one child is the same, each a unique individual... Therefore a lot of the time different children will learn differently and from different cues. I'm definitely a parent who goes with the flow and learns as I go. No one parent is perfect.

As for the books??? What???!! Why on earth would you assume OP has read any parenting books before the first child came along? Im not saying a lot of parents dont read parenting books but That is an absolutely ridiculous assumption to make. I've 2 kids now and have never picked up a book on parenting... (Besides a weaning book that taught me how to purée a couple of foods!). And that doesn't make me a bad parent or one who doesn't take parenting seriously or any less of a parent than anybody else. Just ridiculous altogether.

As you say this is slightly off topic but it is incredibly irresponsible to adopt a learn as you go attitude as you are then unable to deal with new issues as they arise. In my profession if I adopted the learn as you go I would have been fired long ago and parenting is much more important than that. Are you telling me that you were presented with a baby and had no idea what to do with it? You had to learn as you went how to change a nappy, feed it, wind it etc etc? Most parents in my experience at the least attend classes prior to the birth (at a bare minimum). As a new parent I realised I couldn't know it all so it makes sense to read the work of experts who have experience of hundreds of children to better look after my own. I am not sure why you are so shocked by books. They are ubiquitous in the shops which would mean that they must be pretty popular. It would have been incredibly arrogant of me to assume that I would make all of the correct decisions as I went along. There seems to be a reluctance with people to admit that they do not know it all.
If I were you I would take a step back and assess how prepared you are for issues that may arise. For example if your child inhales water or gets an electric shock do you know what to do?
What will you do if your child is bullied or a bully. How will you deal with puberty? Waiting until these issues arise seems irresponsible in the extreme (to me at least).

Rosy Posy

I have been in a similar position as the op.

My eldest has always been a handful and when he was four I was pregnant with my third we used to carpool to kindergarten. So I had five kids in the car and was trying to buckle him into the car seat in the back row of a seven seater with my big pregnant belly wedged in the gap and he started having a tantrum, refusing to have his seat done up. He kicked me in the belly and I told him that he shouldn't do that as it hurt me and the baby, and he purposefully kicked me full force in the belly again, after which I slapped him in the face.

I was almost as shocked as he was. I managed to do up his seatbelt. In the car on the way home I apologised to him and we had a talk with all the children about how it wasn't right for anyone to hit or kick. We had a one on one conversation later where I apologised again and he apologised to me and to baby.

The incident really shook me at the time, more so than it appeared to effect him in truth. When I thought back over it I saw that my tiredness and stress had led me not to notice the warning signs leading up to the incident. I'd say if I'd had a bag of apples in the car and had given him something to eat straight off the whole thing could have been avoided.

He's seven now and still prone to outbursts, but we have a few strategies to deal with them. We do everything we can to head things off before they get started- basic needs like hunger and tiredness, as well as attention. As soon as the behaviour begins it becomes impossible for him to have whatever it is that he's giving out about. I just say I can't give it to him because of his behaviour. I always frame things in respect to the behaviour- what he's doing wrong rather than what he himself is. It can be so easy for a child to be labelled as difficult and for it to become a self fulfilling prophecy. If he gets really worked up I obviously make sure he can't be a danger to himself or the other children then leave him to it. As another poster mentioned there's a point of no return after which it just needs to blow itself out, and IME this takes less time without an audience. If I'm feeling stressed and like lashing out I give myself a time out. Sometimes I go into the garden and scream (our neighbours probably think I'm nuts).

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, op, just remember it won't last forever. Don't expect too much from yourself and take all the rest you can get.

Penny Tration

I understand the OP is sleep deprived, and that can drive you nuts.

But this isn't a slap on the bum we're talking about (not that I agree with that either).

It's a slap across the face. On a toddler.

I often see parents slapping their kids on the bum if they misbehave when I'm dealing with their parents. But tbh, if I saw an adult slap their child across the face, I'd call the police.

The only advice I can give to the OP is the same as Pawwed Rig. Read some parenting books, understand exactly how and why it happened, and if sleep deprivation is affecting you that much, see your GP because it's seriously wrong to hit a kid across the face.

I'm actually shocked reading this thread tbh.

anncoates

Qualitymark wrote: »

I was taught, long years ago, that the best thing is to see when they're likely to happen and learn to find a route around! .

This is what I try to do. You can often predict when a situation might lead to moods with the kids like tiredness or being in certain places or indeed when you are tired or upset yourself.

Obviously that presumes the luxury of having help or down time for yourself though.

Nekarsulm

To the original poster, you really seem to need a break, or a few consecutive good nights sleep, as posting about this on a public forum is neither sensible nor safe. Hope you are feeling a bit better now, btw.

kippy

OP. Frustration obviously got to you. Sleep deprivation is a beach and I can imagine dealing with tantrums aint easy.
A smack on the face is a bit more serious than the usual spank on the bottom etc but sometimes unfortunately we make mistakes. You know you made a mistake this time and will get over it.

On the whole smacking side of things - needs must sometimes once its not out of hand. I was brought up by my mother who had no issues smacking where appropriate. We all turned out fine and in a house full of 5 or 6 kids with all the work that has to go on on its own, you don't always have the time or energy for the other forms of discipline - again once it doesnt get outta control.
People use far worse forms of psychological punishment on their kids now adays in my opinion the long term effects of it wont be know for ages.

As for those that compare smacking a child with smacking a grown adult - of course they are two totally separate issues in separate scenarios. You can't really compare the two at all.

Sligo1

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As you say this is slightly off topic but it is incredibly irresponsible to adopt a learn as you go attitude as you are then unable to deal with new issues as they arise. In my profession if I adopted the learn as you go I would have been fired long ago and parenting is much more important than that. Are you telling me that you were presented with a baby and had no idea what to do with it? You had to learn as you went how to change a nappy, feed it, wind it etc etc? Most parents in my experience at the least attend classes prior to the birth (at a bare minimum). As a new parent I realised I couldn't know it all so it makes sense to read the work of experts who have experience of hundreds of children to better look after my own. I am not sure why you are so shocked by books. They are ubiquitous in the shops which would mean that they must be pretty popular. It would have been incredibly arrogant of me to assume that I would make all of the correct decisions as I went along. There seems to be a reluctance with people to admit that they do not know it all.
If I were you I would take a step back and assess how prepared you are for issues that may arise. For example if your child inhales water or gets an electric shock do you know what to do?
What will you do if your child is bullied or a bully. How will you deal with puberty? Waiting until these issues arise seems irresponsible in the extreme (to me at least).

I'm an irresponsible parent because I haven't read a parenting book?! PFFT! I haven't had time to read your post in depth however look forward to it when I have time later that will illicit a further response. That is if I can be bothered to reply to such judgemental and highly ridiculous statenebts