I slapped my 3 year old

LegacyUser

Sligo1 wrote: »

I'm an irresponsible parent because I haven't read a parenting book?! PFFT! I haven't had time to read your post in depth however look forward to it when I have time later that will illicit a further response. That is if I can be bothered to reply to such judgemental and highly ridiculous statenebts

i think you missed the gist of what was said.
it would have taken less time to read the post than it did to make your reply to it.

kippy

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As you say this is slightly off topic but it is incredibly irresponsible to adopt a learn as you go attitude as you are then unable to deal with new issues as they arise. In my profession if I adopted the learn as you go I would have been fired long ago and parenting is much more important than that. Are you telling me that you were presented with a baby and had no idea what to do with it? You had to learn as you went how to change a nappy, feed it, wind it etc etc? Most parents in my experience at the least attend classes prior to the birth (at a bare minimum). As a new parent I realised I couldn't know it all so it makes sense to read the work of experts who have experience of hundreds of children to better look after my own. I am not sure why you are so shocked by books. They are ubiquitous in the shops which would mean that they must be pretty popular. It would have been incredibly arrogant of me to assume that I would make all of the correct decisions as I went along. There seems to be a reluctance with people to admit that they do not know it all.
If I were you I would take a step back and assess how prepared you are for issues that may arise. For example if your child inhales water or gets an electric shock do you know what to do?
What will you do if your child is bullied or a bully. How will you deal with puberty? Waiting until these issues arise seems irresponsible in the extreme (to me at least).

I dont think anyone is every fully prepared to have kids, no matter how many books they read. If you read enough books you'll also find they tend to contradict one another.

There are so many personality types, medical issues and general bits and pieces that differentiate kids.

Chattastrophe!

Parenting is pretty much the most natural thing in the world.

How do you think your own parents managed without classes and books?

Personally I love reading pregnancy and parenting books and internet forums, and I did attend antenatal classes.

However suggesting that someone is being irresponsible for not doing so is just wrong. It is absolutely fine to learn as you go along, we're all doing it, no matter how much we've read about how to be a good parent.

No matter how much you read and learn, you can't learn it all, and in my opinion it's very naive to think that you're in some way more prepared just as a result of reading a few books! I'm constantly reading about parenting, I still make it all up as I go along, this does not make me a bad parent ... it makes me normal!

Tasden

kippy wrote: »

As for those that compare smacking a child with smacking a grown adult - of course they are two totally separate issues in separate scenarios. You can't really compare the two at all.

Yep, a child cant fight back. A child cant understand why the person that is supposed to love and protect them is actually physically and deliberately hurting them. A child is being hurt by someone bigger and stronger than them. Its entirely different to hitting an adult, its not comparable at all, yet most of us can control ourselves and not hit adults- but when it comes to children its used as a parenting tool??
Its not ok to hit an adult and its not ok to hit a child imo, don't see why people think it is tbh.

diveout I think we'll agree to disagree, I do get what you're saying and see where you're coming from but I still stand by what I said tbh.

diveout

Tasden wrote: »

Yep, a child cant fight back. A child cant understand why the person that is supposed to love and protect them is actually physically and deliberately hurting them. A child is being hurt by someone bigger and stronger than them. Its entirely different to hitting an adult, its not comparable at all, yet most of us can control ourselves and not hit adults- but when it comes to children its used as a parenting tool??
Its not ok to hit an adult and its not ok to hit a child imo, don't see why people think it is tbh.

diveout I think we'll agree to disagree, I do get what you're saying and see where you're coming from but I still stand by what I said tbh.

I'm not saying it's ok, I'm saying people are flawed and make mistakes. If it were a pattern then that's something different.

Tasden

diveout wrote: »

I'm not saying it's ok, I'm saying people are flawed and make mistakes.

If it were a pattern then that's something different.

Completely agree. I just think op should look into supports to ensure it doesn't happen again. Which is what posters have suggested and what op came here asking for.

Patterns start somewhere. If op examines why it happened and develops coping mechanisms it probably wont happen again.

Imo if OP accepts it was just tiredness then there is a much higher chance of it happening again than if she deals with it head on now.

I'm not saying you're wrong, or I'm right, I just have a different opinion to you

Pawwed Rig

kippy wrote: »

I dont think anyone is every fully prepared to have kids, no matter how many books they read. If you read enough books you'll also find they tend to contradict one another.

There are so many personality types, medical issues and general bits and pieces that differentiate kids.

True but I would rather have too much information and then make a judgement call rather than no information and muddle through based on 'trial and error'.

Those talking of corporal punishment are in the wrong discussion as it was not corporal punishment in this case. Personally I would not be a proponent of corporal punishment but concede that there is an argument for and against it. That said even those that advocate the use of CP would say that it should inflicted in a controlled measured way rather than in anger as it was in the OP and a few other posters subsequently.

By the responses on this thread excessive violence is understandable when you're tired or stressed

Moonbeam

marieholmfan wrote: »

The three year old knows that he was being a little see you next Tuesday an then his face hurt. Cause and effect in a way he can understand.

There is no need to refer to a child in that way,consider this a warning.

Rosy Posy

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

By the responses on this thread excessive violence is understandable when you're tired or stressed

I don't think that anyone, the OP included, is suggesting that the slap was an appropriate response but the OP obviously feels terrible, knows that what she did was wrong and is looking for guidance about how to avoid coming to a place of violence again. I don't think that us berating her or her berating herself is going to make her a better parent. If she came on here with an attitude then I could see how that might be warranted but she knows it's not right and is looking for ways to change things so that it doesn't happen again, which is admirable and a sign of her wanting to grow and expand her parenting skills. Advice, not judgement, is what will improve this situation.

kippy

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

True but I would rather have too much information and then make a judgement call rather than no information and muddle through based on 'trial and error'.

Those talking of corporal punishment are in the wrong discussion as it was not corporal punishment in this case. Personally I would not be a proponent of corporal punishment but concede that there is an argument for and against it. That said even those that advocate the use of CP would say that it should inflicted in a controlled measured way rather than in anger as it was in the OP and a few other posters subsequently.

By the responses on this thread excessive violence is understandable when you're tired or stressed

Yeah, it was a bit more than corporal punishment and I'd agree with you there.

You're right, as well on the reading and trying to get information together. It definetly does help, however it's not always practical or possible or indeed relevant.

Usually I wait for the scenario to arise (child not sleeping, having issues with toilet training etc) before I stare researching it.

kandr10

kippy wrote: »

Yeah, it was a bit more than corporal punishment and I'd agree with you there.

You're right, as well on the reading and trying to get information together. It definetly does help, however it's not always practical or possible or indeed relevant.

Usually I wait for the scenario to arise (child not sleeping, having issues with toilet training etc) before I stare researching it.

I'd have to agree with you on researching as you go. What's the point in reading about tantrums/fussy eating / bad sleeping etc if you're never faced with those problems? God knows there's enough to think about. As chatt said earlier you do have to have a take it as it comes approach because you can't possibly predict every scenario and you have to learn to read your own children. If you didn't it would lead to very uptight stressed out parents. That said hopefully most people would look for advice before ending up in ops situation.

Rosy Posy

kippy wrote: »

You're right, as well on the reading and trying to get information together. It definetly does help, however it's not always practical or possible or indeed relevant.

Usually I wait for the scenario to arise (child not sleeping, having issues with toilet training etc) before I stare researching it.

I would agree with this. I think you need to be careful what you read too. There's a lot of conflicting theorists out there. My cousin gave me the 'what to expect in the first year' book when I had my first and I had to bin it, it was basically a catelogue of new things to worry about. I also have a friend who followed Tracey Hoggs 'Baby Whisperer' technique to the letter with her first and couldn't establish breastfeeding. Binned the book and followed her instincts with her second and exclusively bf him no problems. I find Penelope Leach to be really measured and her approach has stood the test of time.

Xcellor

Feelingawful wrote: »

As the title says, I slapped him across the face yesterday and I feel so bad that I cry every time I think about it. It wasn't particularly hard but would have stung a bit. Basically he was having a tantrum that involved hitting, kicking, trying to scratch me and spitting at me. I kept ignoring him until I just snapped and without even thinking I did it. It's no excuse but I'm exhausted at the moment as I have a baby that doesn't sleep, so I'm finding it so much harder to deal with my 3 year old.

I can't take it back but I'm so worried that it's sending my toddler a message that it's ok to hit. I said sorry to him after and got him to say sorry to me for his behaviour. I'm just looking for some advice to help me move on from this and how to handle the situation better the next time. I don't want to be a parent that hits their children.

Not a parent myself but just my two cents worth. I think parents have one of the hardest jobs possible. For the most part it goes unthanked. Rasing the next generation of adults is a huge responsibility.

Unlike some other posters I don't think you need an anger management course. You made a mistake, you accept it, you are going to make sure it doesn't happen again. That is the sign of a good parent. The bad parent would not have bothered posting and would have felt justified in doing what they did and probably carried on doing it...

Neyite

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

By the responses on this thread excessive violence is understandable when you're tired or stressed

No. Its not. I'm not impressed by what she did, and while I understand how sleep deprivation causes us to make bad decisions, I dont excuse her slapping as a result. But I would be ringing Social Services a hell of a lot quicker on somebody who wasnt as horrified and contrite and devestated as the OP for her actions, or the ones who may not slap, but use vicious verbal abuse like the poster above which can be equally as damaging if not moreso. Just because you dont slap does not make you a good parent. Just because you read a parenting book, does not make you a good parent. In some cases, far from it.

She is posting here because she never wants to do this again. Because she recognises that no matter what else is going on, slapping is not how she wants to parent her children. That her child deserves more from her. And she wants to know how best to achieve that. And I will fully support her on that. If she was my sister I'd want to help. That does not mean I condone what she did.

Personally, I dont rely on books to give me my parenting information. I use a range of sources - my mother, siblings who are parents, friends, parenting websites, whereas I feel that a book gives a single point of view that may come from a very rigid point of view and may not suit my child, or me.

I think suggestions that are practical are what she needs now - help to ensure she gets more rest, help to give both toddler and mum a little break for each other, ways to distract the toddler, ways to recognise the early warning signs of a meltdown, classes and courses and written information that we found useful when our patience was tested.

paradigm

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

As you say this is slightly off topic but it is incredibly irresponsible to adopt a learn as you go attitude as you are then unable to deal with new issues as they arise. In my profession if I adopted the learn as you go I would have been fired long ago and parenting is much more important than that. Are you telling me that you were presented with a baby and had no idea what to do with it? You had to learn as you went how to change a nappy, feed it, wind it etc etc? Most parents in my experience at the least attend classes prior to the birth (at a bare minimum). As a new parent I realised I couldn't know it all so it makes sense to read the work of experts who have experience of hundreds of children to better look after my own. I am not sure why you are so shocked by books. They are ubiquitous in the shops which would mean that they must be pretty popular. It would have been incredibly arrogant of me to assume that I would make all of the correct decisions as I went along. There seems to be a reluctance with people to admit that they do not know it all.
If I were you I would take a step back and assess how prepared you are for issues that may arise. For example if your child inhales water or gets an electric shock do you know what to do?
What will you do if your child is bullied or a bully. How will you deal with puberty? Waiting until these issues arise seems irresponsible in the extreme (to me at least).

Yet it's not incredibly arrogant nor is it ignorant to call someone irresponsible because they've not read a book on parenting.

I died a little inside reading this.

Parenting is the most natural thing in the world, you do not need to have read a book to ensure you love your kids and provide for them like any other book read parent. Calling someone irresponsible because they've not read a BOOK. I've heard it all now.

Everyone has their own way of being a parent, no one way is better than any other and for you to suggest that reading a book is irresponsible is just the height of ignorance.

What do you think the human civilization did before there were books on the matter? I'll tell you what they did they drew down on resources around them from people who've done it before, Mothers, Fathers, Siblings and Friends to name but a few. I'd be more inclined to take advice from the person who gave birth and reared me to be the (I think) good person I am today than go down to the shop and spend money on a book published by someone who in some cases isn't even a parent.

I'm not saying books don't help they probably do but I know plenty of GOOD parents and I'm sure there are a few of them who didn't read "Parenting for Dummies" and are getting on just okay.

Sligo1

Neyite wrote: »

No. Its not. I'm not impressed by what she did, and while I understand how sleep deprivation causes us to make bad decisions, I dont excuse her slapping as a result. But I would be ringing Social Services a hell of a lot quicker on somebody who wasnt as horrified and contrite and devestated as the OP for her actions, or the ones who may not slap, but use vicious verbal abuse like the poster above which can be equally as damaging if not moreso. Just because you dont slap does not make you a good parent. Just because you read a parenting book, does not make you a good parent. In some cases, far from it.

She is posting here because she never wants to do this again. Because she recognises that no matter what else is going on, slapping is not how she wants to parent her children. That her child deserves more from her. And she wants to know how best to achieve that. And I will fully support her on that. If she was my sister I'd want to help. That does not mean I condone what she did.

Personally, I dont rely on books to give me my parenting information. I use a range of sources - my mother, siblings who are parents, friends, parenting websites, whereas I feel that a book gives a single point of view that may come from a very rigid point of view and may not suit my child, or me.

I think suggestions that are practical are what she needs now - help to ensure she gets more rest, help to give both toddler and mum a little break for each other, ways to distract the toddler, ways to recognise the early warning signs of a meltdown, classes and courses and written information that we found useful when our patience was tested.

+1. Thank you. You have saved me from posting again. 100% agree with all you have said and couldn't have said it better myself.

Pawwed Rig

Neyite wrote: »

No. Its not.

With respect Yes it is. Many have defended her actions on this thread. Some even supported them. As far as the rest of your post goes I couldn't agree more although I hope it is not me you are referring to as 'the poster above'.

paradigm wrote: »

Yet it's not incredibly arrogant nor is it ignorant to call someone irresponsible because they've not read a book on parenting.

A little bit of selective reading there I think:rolleyes:. I also mentioned classes along with other supports. I stand by my comment that it is irresponsible to bring a child into this world and rely on 'trial and error' as some posters seem to be doing. There are plenty of resources available other than books such as courses, internet sites, other peoples experiences that you can rely on. Assuming you know it all and that your way is best is irresponsible.

Rosy Posy wrote: »

I don't think that anyone, the OP included, is suggesting that the slap was an appropriate response but the OP obviously feels terrible

If you read the thread a good few people are of the opinion that the OP was right in what she did while others consider it 'understandable'. It is a good sign that the OP feels terrible but so does a domestic abuser after they punch their wife in the face. The goal is to ensure it doesn't happen again by whatever means necessary; whether that be educating herself, asking for help or even taking a step away for a while then that is what should happen for the welfare of all concerned.

LegacyUser

Just thought I'd update and say thanks to those of you who have posted constructive advice.

It's 2 weeks since this happened and while I'll always feel guilty about it, a lot of positives have come out of the incident. For a start it made me think big time about the haphazard way I've been parenting my son since my daughter was born. Ignoring his tantrums has never really worked as they just continue to escalate, so I've started talking to him about why he's frustrated the minute I see a fuse about to blow. Thankfully my daughter is sleeping a bit better during the day at least, so those times are 100% for him. He chooses an activity such as painting that we do together. Ironically one of the reasons I was so exhausted was that I was determined to keep him happy by bringing him to playcentres, the park, the playground etc. I'm now just letting him amuse himself a lot of the time and the TV is on more than I'd like but needs must.

I will certainly look into a parenting course. I know that this will never happen again despite what some people might think, as I never ever want to feel that bad about myself or for my son again.

audi12

Dont know how you can deal with children anyway would drive me mad listening to their screaming and crying the whole time

kippy

audi12 wrote: »

Dont know how you can deal with children anyway would drive me mad listening to their screaming and crying the whole time

In fairness, most of em don't scream and cry the whole time. Some do, and it can be difficult to sort out, particularly those that cannot fully communicate with you.
Sometimes crying and screaming IS their way of communicating with you.

Sligo1

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

A little bit of selective reading there I think:rolleyes:. I also mentioned classes along with other supports. I stand by my comment that it is irresponsible to bring a child into this world and rely on 'trial and error' as some posters seem to be doing. There are plenty of resources available other than books such as courses, internet sites, other peoples experiences that you can rely on. Assuming you know it all and that your way is best is irresponsible.

In your first post you specifically mentioned books. No other resources were mentioned. Had you mentioned books, other people's experiences, classes, courses, Internet but to name a few... I would not have commented. But in your initial post you did not. And for your information books are actually a secondary resource. Although books are a great resource one would in actual fact be better off drawing from primary resources... I can recommend many... My mother being one....

I'm am an extremely well read person I an assure you. And have spent years researching health and many things related to androgogy health and behaviour. However, to assume a parent will have read a parenting book prior to becoming a parent as you did is ludicrous...

audi12

kippy wrote: »

In fairness, most of em don't scream and cry the whole time. Some do, and it can be difficult to sort out, particularly those that cannot fully communicate with you.

Fair enough i coudlent do it rather you than me i wouldn't have the patience for it

billie1b

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

The responses here are staggering. What the OP did is not ok and from what we have heard so far most people here think it is. I can guarantee if I started a post saying I slapped my wife/girlfriend/mother across the face in a fit of rage because she was 'stressing' me and then forced her to apologise to me afterwards the condemnation would be going on for pages. There would be talk of anger management, legal intervention, marriage guidance and probable abuse.
What are we getting here? Awww hugs, if you know it was wrong don't upset yourself! Awww sure we all get stressed! Are we suggesting that the child somehow deserved it? Are we saying that the odd slap across the face when we lose control is acceptable? How about a punch? How about a 2 year old? A 1 year old? a newborn?
If the OP cannot handle her kids then she needs help rather than posters here telling her it is OK. Because IT IS NOT OK.

The poor little 3 year old is way too small to defend himself against the OP and is then forced to apologise? Unbelievable and sickening.

Parent of the year award here or most likely a person with no kids, my mother used to slap me for being out of line and being bold when I was a child, she never needed help from it, neither did I, I turned out a perfectly fine human being, educated, good job and respectful to others. Hate these people who say a hug would be better for the kids, its not, they end up worse in the end. If a child is way out of line, they need a small slap on the bum to put them back into line, they wont do it again after that.
I have slapped my kids (small tap on the bum) when being extremely bold and they have learned their lesson from it and don't make the same mistake again.
There's too many do-gooders in this country with the softie, give them love and a hug approach. No wonder the prisons are full of little bastards running amok

Geomy

audi12 wrote: »

Fair enough i coudlent do it rather you than me i wouldn't have the patience for it

Aren't you lucky someone had the patience to put up with you :-)

PLUG71

Le Henry wrote: »

Don't beat yourself up over thid OP, a slap is warranted from time to time..

Not across the face!!

lulu1

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

You really think a slap would have been the best way of dealing with this situation? Really?

As a matter of interest, did your sister go ahead and buy him the DVD after that?

yes i do think think a slap on the hand or bottom would have done no harm

and as he is her only grandson I will give you three guesses if she bought the dvd

lulu1

lulu1 wrote: »

yes i do think think a slap on the hand or bottom would have done no harm

and as he is her only grandson I will give you three guesses if she bought the dvd

What would have done in this situation??

Zulu

lulu1 wrote: »

What would have done in this situation??

Well I wouldn't have rewarded the bad behavior by buying the DVD.

lulu1

Zulu wrote: »

Well I wouldn't have rewarded the bad behavior by buying the DVD.

Or me

January

Geomy wrote: »

Aren't you lucky someone had the patience to put up with you :-)

Attack the post, not the poster.