I slapped my 3 year old

kunst nugget

billie1b wrote: »

Parent of the year award here or most likely a person with no kids, my mother used to slap me for being out of line and being bold when I was a child, she never needed help from it, neither did I, I turned out a perfectly fine human being, educated, good job and respectful to others. Hate these people who say a hug would be better for the kids, its not, they end up worse in the end. If a child is way out of line, they need a small slap on the bum to put them back into line, they wont do it again after that.
I have slapped my kids (small tap on the bum) when being extremely bold and they have learned their lesson from it and don't make the same mistake again.

There's too many do-gooders in this country with the softie, give them love and a hug approach. No wonder the prisons are full of little bastards running amok

Absolute horse manure.

According to a study of UK prisoners:

Many prisoners had experienced abuse (29%) or observed violence in the home (41%) as a child – particularly those who stated that they had a family member with an alcohol or drug problem. Those who reported experiencing abuse or observing violence as a child were more likely to be reconvicted in the year after release than those who did not.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/278837/prisoners-childhood-family-backgrounds.pdf

Deciding to parent without resorting to slapping - which is never justifiable imo - does not mean parenting without boundaries. You're an adult, you should have the wherewithal to discipline them and interact without the need to resort to violence. And if you're incapable of doing that maybe you should look at doing a parenting course. Everyone gets frustrated with their children but it's inexcusable to take that out on their kids. I'm not perfect - I've raised my voice at my kids when I shouldn't have. I've felt bad and apologised to them afterwards and talked to them about it. Being a bully is not the example I want to give them and I will never, ever hit my kids. I don't think it's acceptable to hit an adult, why would I think it's acceptable to hit defenseless children?

The old maxim that 'it never done me any harm' is tripe tbh. You might have gotten away from the experience relatively unscathed but the same cannot be said many, many others who continue to perpetuate a cycle of violence upon their kids because that's all the know. Maybe you're fine with that. I know I'm not. And honestly, if you think giving them love and a hug is something to be sneered at, you really are doing it wrong.

Chattastrophe!

lulu1 wrote: »

What would have done in this situation??

I wouldn't have slapped the child.

I would have talked to them about how their behaviour was wrong, and why it was wrong.

I would have expected an apology.

I wouldn't have bought them the DVD. Even after the apology. And I would have made sure that they understand why they weren't getting it. Actions have consequences, children need to learn this, but the consequences do not need to involve violence.

billie1b

kunst nugget wrote: »

Absolute horse manure.

According to a study of UK prisoners:



https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/278837/prisoners-childhood-family-backgrounds.pdf

Deciding to parent without resorting to slapping - which is never justifiable imo - does not mean parenting without boundaries. You're an adult, you should have the wherewithal to discipline them and interact without the need to resort to violence. And if you're incapable of doing that maybe you should look at doing a parenting course. Everyone gets frustrated with their children but it's inexcusable to take that out on their kids. I'm not perfect - I've raised my voice at my kids when I shouldn't have. I've felt bad and apologised to them afterwards and talked to them about it. Being a bully is not the example I want to give them and I will never, ever hit my kids. I don't think it's acceptable to hit an adult, why would I think it's acceptable to hit defenseless children?

The old maxim that 'it never done me any harm' is tripe tbh. You might have gotten away from the experience relatively unscathed but the same cannot be said many, many others who continue to perpetuate a cycle of violence upon their kids because that's all the know. Maybe you're fine with that. I know I'm not. And honestly, if you think giving them love and a hug is something to be sneered at, you really are doing it wrong.

Ha ha, thats it, use a UK survey, I love and cuddle my kids very much, everyday actually, but there is a difference between child abuse and a small slap for being bold. Get back to us when your child is 15 and starts hitting you because your talks wont work as they know tgey are getting away with it.
Im not sneering anyone for cuddling and loving their child by the way, there is a big difference with cuddling and loving a child as everyday parenting and loving and cuddling them for being bold.
My kids are good kids, they have a very fun and loving relationship with my partner and myself and always will. We have rules and consequences before it gets to a small slap (xbox taken away/tablets/no library and so on) if it gets that far.
I wouldn't and dont judge how your raise your kids or say you are doing it wrong, id expect the same amount of courtesy from you

kunst nugget

billie1b wrote: »

Ha ha, thats it, use a UK survey,

I couldn't find a corresponding Irish survey but considering the cultural similarities of the countries, I expect the results would be similar. That's why I included it. The fact is that a high percentage of prisoners have been victims of violence and abuse.

billie1b wrote: »

Im not sneering anyone for cuddling and loving their child by the way, there is a big difference with cuddling and loving a child as everyday parenting and loving and cuddling them for being bold.
My kids are good kids, they have a very fun and loving relationship with my partner and myself and always will. We have rules and consequences before it gets to a small slap (xbox taken away/tablets/no library and so on) if it gets that far.

You said:

There's too many do-gooders in this country with the softie, give them love and a hug approach

You made no distinction earlier. You just railed against 'do-gooders'. Choosing not to slap or use violence doesn't mean you have to have a house with out structure or discipline.

I'm sure your kids are good kids. I never said anything to suggest they were otherwise. Do I think you should hit them? No. I'm not picking on you. I'd say that to any parent who says they slap their kids. If you think I'm an arsehole for saying, I'm fine with that.

billie1b wrote: »

I wouldn't and dont judge how your raise your kids or say you are doing it wrong, id expect the same amount of courtesy from you

You say you wouldn't and don't judge how I raise my kids and yet you said earlier:

Get back to us when your child is 15 and starts hitting you because your talks wont work as they know tgey are getting away with it.

I might be crazy but I'm pretty sure that's you judging how I raise my kids.

Geomy

January wrote: »

Attack the post, not the poster.

How do I do that ?

kippy

kunst nugget wrote: »

Absolute horse manure.

According to a study of UK prisoners:



https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/278837/prisoners-childhood-family-backgrounds.pdf

Deciding to parent without resorting to slapping - which is never justifiable imo - does not mean parenting without boundaries. You're an adult, you should have the wherewithal to discipline them and interact without the need to resort to violence. And if you're incapable of doing that maybe you should look at doing a parenting course. Everyone gets frustrated with their children but it's inexcusable to take that out on their kids. I'm not perfect - I've raised my voice at my kids when I shouldn't have. I've felt bad and apologised to them afterwards and talked to them about it. Being a bully is not the example I want to give them and I will never, ever hit my kids. I don't think it's acceptable to hit an adult, why would I think it's acceptable to hit defenseless children?

The old maxim that 'it never done me any harm' is tripe tbh. You might have gotten away from the experience relatively unscathed but the same cannot be said many, many others who continue to perpetuate a cycle of violence upon their kids because that's all the know. Maybe you're fine with that. I know I'm not. And honestly, if you think giving them love and a hug is something to be sneered at, you really are doing it wrong.

I have many many many friends who would have been brought up the same and would agree with my own sentiments on the topic.
There is a big difference between "abuse" and the odd slap on the backside when all other avenues are exhausted and that is the key reason why adults, like yourself, need to realise that not every parent who smacks their child the odd time is abusing their child.
The very fact that you've the gall to insinuate that my parents "abused" me and my family - well that's just an insult to them and the brilliant parenting style they had.

Yeah, I know there are parents/people in general out there who have a violent side to them and who take things way too far. That is a different kettle of fish and I have great sympathy for people who were brought up in that environment.


As for the study of prisoners........what exactly does that show?

I'll be honest, it is a lot "easier" now - to a point, to go with the "softly softly" parenting style because people have more time for it (in general - less kids) and as I said, the smack, if I ever use it is a last resort.

kunst nugget

kippy wrote: »

I have many many many friends who would have been brought up the same and would agree with my own sentiments on the topic.
There is a big difference between "abuse" and the odd slap on the backside when all other avenues are exhausted and that is the key reason why adults, like yourself, need to realise that not every parent who smacks their child the odd time is abusing their child.
The very fact that you've the gall to insinuate that my parents "abused" me and my family - well that's just an insult to them and the brilliant parenting style they had.

Yeah, I know there are parents/people in general out there who have a violent side to them and who take things way too far. That is a different kettle of fish and I have great sympathy for people who were brought up in that environment.


As for the study of prisoners........what exactly does that show?

I'll be honest, it is a lot "easier" now - to a point, to go with the "softly softly" parenting style because people have more time for it (in general - less kids) and as I said, the smack, if I ever use it is a last resort.

The study of prisoners was to show the effect the effect violence can have on people and to counter the notion that the poster I was responding to had in terms of the jails being filled with people who were loved hugged.

People's perception of what's acceptable in terms of physical punishment can be poles apart. It can range from a slap on the bottom to a full on battering and everything in between. The OP slapping her child in the face shows how easy it is for someone to use completely inappropriate force with a child.

I never insulted your parents. Dial down the hysteria there.

You only slap them when all other avenues have been exhausted? If you ask me, people only slap when they've lost control of a situation. It's what happened when my ma slapped me. Does that lower my opinion of my ma? Not in the slightest but I choose not to use physical punishment in the way she did because it was in no way effective despite what people on here think.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I make a hames of lots of things when it comes to parenting but myself and my wife work together to make sure that we work for what is best for us and our family and raising our hands to our kids is not an option. I don't agree with it in any instance and I'm not going to apologise for that.

Orion

Geomy wrote: »

How do I do that ?

Geomy - if you've a question about a mod instruction take it to PM. But to answer your question replying with a personal comment is attacking the poster; refuting or arguing against the content of a post is attacking the post. The latter is fine, the former is not. Your post was the former.

uck51js9zml2yt

OP
I'm in a similar position to yourself. A 3 year old finding out that he's an independent person and baby that has us sleep deprived.
I was listening to a program on sleep deprivation today and they reckon parents loose 700 hours sleep in the first year.

We don't always react as we'd like to when we've had weeks and months of broken sleep and the toddler wont do what he's told.
Sleep deprivation makes us react in ways we wouldn't do normally.

I was in the supermarket at the weekend and slapped my son for disappearing on me and not doing what he was told. I couldnt find him anywhere. Sometimes reasoning doesn't work and a short sharp smack is the only thing to bring them to their senses.

We had no sooner left the shop and he was laughing an joking again and telling me he was going on holidays. He's not scared for life as some would like us to believe.

Take advantage of any offers of help and ask for it if possible. We've no family near us but have a neighbour who will babysit for an hour or two to let us get out for a meal every few weeks.
We work on shifts regarding sleep most of the time and if something doesn't need to be done immediately, its left for another day.

My wife is normally in bed by 8 or 9 and I take the baby until his last night feed which is about 11 or 12. That gives her till 3 or 4a.m before the next feed and a decent stretch to rest and I get to sleep till 7 am. We catch up at the weekend.
You wont be sleep deprived forever. The baby will start sleeping longer and you'll be able to get to sleep longer.
If you can get your toddler into playschool for a few hours a week, it will give you a break. We've ours in montessori 5 mornings a week for 3 hours. It gives my wife some time to herself(almost)

Some here would want you to be beating yourself up over it. I'm not one of them, your not a bad parent- just a tired one.

evolving_doors

Kenna Delicious Queue wrote: »

OP
I'm in a similar position to yourself. A 3 year old finding out that he's an independent person and baby that has us sleep deprived.
I was listening to a program on sleep deprivation today and they reckon parents loose 700 hours sleep in the first year.

We don't always react as we'd like to when we've had weeks and months of broken sleep and the toddler wont do what he's told.
Sleep deprivation makes us react in ways we wouldn't do normally.

I was in the supermarket at the weekend and slapped my son for disappearing on me and not doing what he was told. I couldnt find him anywhere. Sometimes reasoning doesn't work and a short sharp smack is the only thing to bring them to their senses.

We had no sooner left the shop and he was laughing an joking again and telling me he was going on holidays. He's not scared for life as some would like us to believe.

Take advantage of any offers of help and ask for it if possible. We've no family near us but have a neighbour who will babysit for an hour or two to let us get out for a meal every few weeks.
We work on shifts regarding sleep most of the time and if something doesn't need to be done immediately, its left for another day.

My wife is normally in bed by 8 or 9 and I take the baby until his last night feed which is about 11 or 12. That gives her till 3 or 4a.m before the next feed and a decent stretch to rest and I get to sleep till 7 am. We catch up at the weekend.
You wont be sleep deprived forever. The baby will start sleeping longer and you'll be able to get to sleep longer.
If you can get your toddler into playschool for a few hours a week, it will give you a break. We've ours in montessori 5 mornings a week for 3 hours. It gives my wife some time to herself(almost)

Some here would want you to be beating yourself up over it. I'm not one of them, your not a bad parent- just a tired one.

You havnt made it clear about your intentions to never slap again though!

forgotten password

...

Armelodie

Armelodie wrote: »

You havnt made it clear about your intentions to never slap again though!

????

I dont think tatranksa made their intentions to never slap again clear...although thats nobodies business here really!

some very judgemental people on this forum!

TireeTerror

A lot of drama in here. Sometimes a right good slap is what someone needs. I would probably have a better attitude if my parents were not so anti-hitting against children. They feel that to hit a child to control them or to adjust their behaviour would be failed parenting. It resulted in me pushing my limits constantly and going well beyond what would be deemed to be acceptable behaviour.

Whenever I'm out in a shop or public place and I see a child throwing a fit, I tell the parent to control their child or take them elsewhere. I've nearly had huge altercations because of me being upfront about it, but seriously, I don't want to have to endure a child screaming rants and kicks and screams because they cannot get what they want or do what they want. If people cannot control their children don't bring them out into the public unless you are willing to accept judgement from others who are affected by piss poor parenting.

I often see people looking in disgust, shocked at the child's actions, at the parents reactions, but they are too scared to say anything. Nope, a long time ago I decided I would say something every time it occurs. Sometimes If I'm feeling especially troll like, I am almost disappointed if no kid starts bawling their eyes out. A real treat which is has me in fits of hysterics afterwards, is if I see a child screaming for attention, and there eyes are darting everywhere looking for strangers to show shock, I just laugh right at the child, point at them and keep laughing really louding exclaiming what an idiot of a boy/girl it is and what a disgrace it is to bring such a smelly animal into public! The parents are shocked, but the best bit is the kid cant believe this response and usually shuts up and sits there with the petted lip and a confused expression.

Rosy Posy

TireeTerror wrote: »

A lot of drama in here. Sometimes a right good slap is what someone needs. I would probably have a better attitude if my parents were not so anti-hitting against children. They feel that to hit a child to control them or to adjust their behaviour would be failed parenting. It resulted in me pushing my limits constantly and going well beyond what would be deemed to be acceptable behaviour.

Whenever I'm out in a shop or public place and I see a child throwing a fit, I tell the parent to control their child or take them elsewhere. I've nearly had huge altercations because of me being upfront about it, but seriously, I don't want to have to endure a child screaming rants and kicks and screams because they cannot get what they want or do what they want. If people cannot control their children don't bring them out into the public unless you are willing to accept judgement from others who are affected by piss poor parenting.

I often see people looking in disgust, shocked at the child's actions, at the parents reactions, but they are too scared to say anything. Nope, a long time ago I decided I would say something every time it occurs. Sometimes If I'm feeling especially troll like, I am almost disappointed if no kid starts bawling their eyes out. A real treat which is has me in fits of hysterics afterwards, is if I see a child screaming for attention, and there eyes are darting everywhere looking for strangers to show shock, I just laugh right at the child, point at them and keep laughing really louding exclaiming what an idiot of a boy/girl it is and what a disgrace it is to bring such a smelly animal into public! The parents are shocked, but the best bit is the kid cant believe this response and usually shuts up and sits there with the petted lip and a confused expression.

Do you actually have children? The behaviour that you describe here seems really inappropriate. Would you call an adult stranger an 'idiot' or a 'smelly animal'? All kids have tantrums to varying degrees- it's a recognised developmental phase. It doesn't mean the child is stupid, smelly or sub human. I agree that there are places where it's inappropriate for a child to behave that way and as a parent if this does happen I will remove my child as quickly as possible (an abandoned full shopping trolley and a missed wedding ceremony spring to mind). If I see another parent in this situation I would give a sympathetic glance (or not look at all). If someone behaved as you described I would think that they were deranged. How does that behaviour help the situation? Answering inappropriate behaviour with inappropriate behaviour is as daft as a deterrent as answering violence with violence, if your goal is to discourage the negative behaviour. It seems that your aim is to embarass the parent while enjoying some kind of schadenfreude at their expense.

January

Actually, not going to bother. Don't feed the troll people, will deal with it as soon as I get to a laptop.

Hannibal Smith

TireeTerror wrote: »

A lot of drama in here. Sometimes a right good slap is what someone needs. I would probably have a better attitude if my parents were not so anti-hitting against children. They feel that to hit a child to control them or to adjust their behaviour would be failed parenting. It resulted in me pushing my limits constantly and going well beyond what would be deemed to be acceptable behaviour.

Whenever I'm out in a shop or public place and I see a child throwing a fit, I tell the parent to control their child or take them elsewhere. I've nearly had huge altercations because of me being upfront about it, but seriously, I don't want to have to endure a child screaming rants and kicks and screams because they cannot get what they want or do what they want. If people cannot control their children don't bring them out into the public unless you are willing to accept judgement from others who are affected by piss poor parenting.

I often see people looking in disgust, shocked at the child's actions, at the parents reactions, but they are too scared to say anything. Nope, a long time ago I decided I would say something every time it occurs. Sometimes If I'm feeling especially troll like, I am almost disappointed if no kid starts bawling their eyes out. A real treat which is has me in fits of hysterics afterwards, is if I see a child screaming for attention, and there eyes are darting everywhere looking for strangers to show shock, I just laugh right at the child, point at them and keep laughing really louding exclaiming what an idiot of a boy/girl it is and what a disgrace it is to bring such a smelly animal into public! The parents are shocked, but the best bit is the kid cant believe this response and usually shuts up and sits there with the petted lip and a confused expression.

And you consider yourself to be of such high standards as to be in a position to judge others?

Actually your post has made me feel at ease about the judgemental looks of those without a clue what its like to be a parent. ...they are just selfish inconsiderate narrow minded nobodies only interested in their own environment and without any empathy to the stresses others find themselves in with nothing better to do than cast rolling eyed aspersions on a parenting ability based on a 5 minute view

Hannibal Smith

January wrote: »

Actually, not going to bother. Don't feed the troll people, will deal with it as soon as I get to a laptop.

Sorry only saw this after

uck51js9zml2yt

aaronc182 wrote: »

I dont think tatranksa made their intentions to never slap again clear...although thats nobodies business here really!

some very judgemental people on this forum!

As I said.... Sometimes a slap is the only thing that will bring them to their senses.
Reasoning with a 3 year old doesn't always work.
If you Re read my post you'll see that he had already been told not to do something.
Sometimes we can react on impulse from sheer exhaustion which is human nature but I've no problem with a slap when there have been warnings which are ignored.

kunst nugget

Kenna Delicious Queue wrote: »

As I said.... Sometimes a slap is the only thing that will bring them to their senses.
Reasoning with a 3 year old doesn't always work.
If you Re read my post you'll see that he had already been told not to do something.
Sometimes we can react on impulse from sheer exhaustion which is human nature but I've no problem with a slap when there have been warnings which are ignored.

If you think reasoning with a child doesn't work, what makes you think slapping a child does?
Is there an age limit on when I can hit my child? Do I stop at 10-12 or do I keep on slapping them into adulthood?
Can I hit somebody else's 3 year old if they are acting out of line?
Can I hit a special needs child if I don't think I'm getting through to them?
Is it okay to hit my wife when I feel tired?

Flippyfloppy

kunst nugget wrote: »

If you think reasoning with a child doesn't work, what makes you think slapping a child does?

Probably because a physical injury to the face or wherever will stun them for a few moments.


Giving their carer those valuable few moments to compose themselves. As well as releasing their frustration.

Zulu

Kenna Delicious Queue wrote: »

As I said.... Sometimes a slap is the only thing that will bring them to their senses.
Reasoning with a 3 year old doesn't always work.

So there's no reason behind the slap is it? I mean most people try to defend the slap with reason - you did something dangerous, here's some pain to teach you not to do it again. Are you now saying the slap is simply for the adult to vent frustration?

If you Re read my post you'll see that he had already been told not to do something.

I'm confused, so you do expect the child to understand the reason behind the slap?

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Probably because a physical injury to the face or wherever will stun them for a few moments.

Giving their carer those valuable few moments to compose themselves. As well as releasing their frustration.

Like the way you'd hit an aged person with say, dementia? I mean to stun them, and give you a chance to compose/vent frustration. I sincerely hope this last post is a complete wind-up, I can not stress that enough.

diveout

Zulu wrote: »

Like the way you'd hit an aged person with say, dementia? I mean to stun them, and give you a chance to compose/vent frustration. I sincerely hope this last post is a complete wind-up, I can not stress that enough.

Carers are known for losing it sometimes.

When needs aren't met...this kind of stuff happens.

Zulu

diveout wrote: »

Carers are known for losing it sometimes.

When needs aren't met...this kind of stuff happens.

While you are not completely wrong, your comment only applies to a small sub-section of carers: those committing criminal offences.

Thats hardly a defense though is it?

"People are know for genocide/murder/rape/theft/<insert other example here> - oh? thats ok so!"

Flippyfloppy

Zulu wrote: »

Like the way you'd hit an aged person with say, dementia? I mean to stun them, and give you a chance to compose/vent frustration. I sincerely hope this last post is a complete wind-up, I can not stress that enough.

My post is not a wind up. I am a parent and teacher and I see day in day out that slapping is unnecessary and in no way teaches children anything valuable.

That said, my post is my opinion on what slapping achieves for a parent. It doesn't teach children anything. They stop misbehaving because they have been stunned by the slap.

Zulu

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

My post is not a wind up. I am a parent and teacher and I see day in day out that slapping is unnecessary and in no way teaches children anything valuable.

That said, my post is my opinion on what slapping achieves for a parent. It doesn't teach children anything. They stop misbehaving because they have been stunned by the slap.

Apologies! I mistook your meaning for an excuse to slap. If you're being purely objective - then yes, you are probably entirely correct, but I'd argue the symantics of the word "valuable" in your post.

diveout

Zulu wrote: »

While you are not completely wrong, your comment only applies to a small sub-section of carers: those committing criminal offences.

Thats hardly a defense though is it?

"People are know for genocide/murder/rape/theft/<insert other example here> - oh? thats ok so!"

Look I'm not saying it's ok. I've divorced myself from the moral argument and more involved in the practical argument.

When needs don't get met, and people are under extreme stress, **** happens.

So for example, in the US right now, returned soldiers with PTSD are one of the strongest committers of domestic violence. They need help, not judgement, as do a lot of people who are under extreme stress.

Expecting too much from human capacity is not going to help either carers or their kids. They need help.

Pawwed Rig

diveout wrote: »

Carers are known for losing it sometimes.

When needs aren't met...this kind of stuff happens.

This thread is beginning to scare me

Zulu

diveout wrote: »

Expecting too much from human capacity is not going to help either carers or their kids. They need help.

hummm. That's fine once it's established that the behavior is wrong, but I'm not sure that's been established.

People seem to accept that domestic violence is wrong (against adults - leaving the obvious gender arguments out of this), but it would appear that there is a sizable group that doesn't extend that to children.

newtoboards

I wasn't going to reply to this but as someone who was hit a lot as a child, it has left a lingering effect. Slapping didn't teach me anything other than not to get caught again. Anyone that says it didn't do them harm are probably being honest but I would add that it did me no good either. To the OP you had a terrible moment and you should seek out support in the future where you can when you feel a little frazzled. None of us are perfect parents and we all have done and will do things that we regret.