Can't find place to live <Mod warning 1st post>

Pippy1976

My relationship seems to have deteriorated beyond any recognition and I need to find a place to live.

The problem is, I can't find anywhere! I can't move home, as I did that a few months ago when we were on a break. My friends are all married with kids and babies so that's not an option. I've been searching on Daft this morning but I can't find anything suitable.. I'm an older lady and don't want to move in somewhere that's less than adequate, i.e. student accommodation-type studio apartments / bed sits are not what I'm looking for.

I don't know what to do. Anyone got any advice? I'm really worried.

<Mod Warning Post #143
OK folks - this is an emotive topic and while I realise many of you bring your own experiences can I please ask for calm here.
<<snip on direction to a specific poster; it still stands in the main mod warning>>
Everyone else - please remember, if you don't have "constructive" advice please don't post, and please no more off topic arguments with each other.

Otherwise, we will have no choice but to either close the thread or take moderator action & still close the thread. This is a key time for the OP - please keep that in mind.

Thanks
Taltos>

Magicmatilda

Have you thought about a house share?

I am 33 and sharing a house with two other women my age, it is a far cry from student accomadation I can assure you.

Also you generally meeti new people and maybe make new friends.

Pippy1976

Thanks for your suggestion.

I'm at an age (a good bit older than you) where I don't want to go back into a house share. I was doing that before I moved in with my partner. I found I was at the end of my tether with it, as I like my own space.

I'm at an age where I'd be happiest with a place of my own. I'm at a loss of where to turn.

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Have you thought about a house share?

I am 33 and sharing a house with two other women my age, it is a far cry from student accomadation I can assure you.

Also you generally meeti new people and maybe make new friends.

Tilly

Is it the price that is the problem or the actual places not being up to scratch that you're having trouble with?

Gongoozler

You don't mention what your price range is, but if you can't afford a place by yourself then it looks like you'll have to go for a house share. Believe me, I'm of age that I really don't want to live with someone but finances don't allow otherwise so that's that.

I'm not really sure what you're looking for people to say here.

Stavro Mueller

How about moving into a house share in the short term and keep your eye out for something more suitable to rent?

Pippy1976

Problem is: I'm late 30's and I'm finding myself in this situation. I'm devasted.

The other problem is that the places for rent are awful and I have nowhere to go.

Tilly wrote: »

Is it the price that is the problem or the actual places not being up to scratch that you're having trouble with?

Pippy1976

Price range would be up to e900 a month.

I can afford it but most are in awful condition. Honestly can't believe what landlords expect people to live in for quite alot of money.

And I'm not sure what I'm looking for people to say either. Perhaps just a reassuring post about how it'll all work out would suffice.

i don't know. I just didn't have anyone else to talk to about this. Sorry if it's coming across as a bit pathetic.

Gongoozler wrote: »

You don't mention what your price range is, but if you can't afford a place by yourself then it looks like you'll have to go for a house share. Believe me, I'm of age that I really don't want to live with someone but finances don't allow otherwise so that's that.

I'm not really sure what you're looking for people to say here.

Pippy1976

I could do that. Hadn't thought of it until you mentioned it.

Thank you.

cymbaline wrote: »

How about moving into a house share in the short term and keep your eye out for something more suitable to rent?

stargazer 68

You haven't said where you are looking but these don't look that bad!

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/dublin-road-sutton-dublin/1440003/#

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/cross-guns-quay-phibsborough-dublin/1447027/#

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/4950-ranelagh-road-ranelagh-dublin/1438638/

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/45-grove-park-rathmines-dublin/1446950/

ongarboy

Sometimes you just have to live within your means and compromise.

If this means a house share because you can't afford a quality apartment of your own, then that is the compromise. If it means having your own place but in a less than ideal quality apartment or location, then that is a compromise. If it means affording a really nice one bed but miles from where you work and significant commuting (ie join the club -half the people who work in Dublin have to do this), then that is the compromise you have to make.

I get the age thing and not wanting to house share. It's the rite of passage of your 20s but very hard to do from 30s onwards or return to it if you were used to independence but again it's all about compromise.

Tilly

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Problem is: I'm late 30's and I'm finding myself in this situation. I'm devasted.

The other problem is that the places for rent are awful and I have nowhere to go.

Aw we're here to help. Is there anywhere you would like to live? I know there are a lot of 2 bed places out in north county Dublin. But like that, it really depends on where you have your heart set on?

It's not going to be easy but you have to look at it as a fresh start. If we can help find somewhere for you then you could maybe start making plans on your future and try look at it as a new begining?

Pippy1976

I get the compromise thing. I'm looking at various places an hour from my work place.

Thanks for the replies and suggestions. It's a huge step to give up on a relationship and acknowledge that yes, indeed, it's over. Getting my own place where I'm comfortable will ease the blow, I'm sure of it.

ongarboy wrote: »

Sometimes you just have to live within your means and compromise.

If this means a house share because you can't afford a quality apartment of your own, then that is the compromise. If it means having your own place but in a less than ideal quality apartment or location, then that is a compromise. If it means affording a really nice one bed but miles from where you work and significant commuting (ie join the club -half the people who work in Dublin have to do this), then that is the compromise you have to make.

I get the age thing and not wanting to house share. It's the rite of passage of your 20s but very hard to do from 30s onwards or return to it if you were used to independence but again it's all about compromise.

Pippy1976

The south Dublin ones look great and I've made enquiries.

I really appreciate you doing that for me.

Dovies wrote: »

You haven't said where you are looking but these don't look that bad!

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/dublin-road-sutton-dublin/1440003/#

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/cross-guns-quay-phibsborough-dublin/1447027/#

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/4950-ranelagh-road-ranelagh-dublin/1438638/

http://www.daft.ie/lettings/45-grove-park-rathmines-dublin/1446950/

Pippy1976

Thanks!

Tilly wrote: »

Aw we're here to help. Is there anywhere you would like to live? I know there are a lot of 2 bed places out in north county Dublin. But like that, it really depends on where you have your heart set on? South County Dublin, South City, Bray, Wicklow - commuter towns.

It's not going to be easy but you have to look at it as a fresh start. If we can help find somewhere for you then you could maybe start making plans on your future and try look at it as a new begining? I totally get that. I need to focus on a new beginning. I don't want to leave my partner but I feel there's no other way around it as the same argument comes up again and again. If I stay it'll deteriorate further until it's unbearable and we hurt eachother more. I can't believe it as I'd only just moved back in thinking we could start afresh.

Tilly

Have you tried all options? Like maybe going to talk to someone together? It seems like you dont want to do this. Have you spoken to him about it all?

Pippy1976

Spoken to him 'til I'm blue in the face. Same issue. Never gets resolved. And I'm tired of having the same conversation repeatedly with no successful results.

Before I moved back in he promised we'd go see someone together. I threw out a few suggestions. He didn't seem bothered. I let it slide. I knew this would come up again. It was just a matter of time.

Tilly wrote: »

Have you tried all options? Like maybe going to talk to someone together? It seems like you dont want to do this. Have you spoken to him about it all?

cactusgal

Hi op, sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

TBH, with your earlier posts, I thought you must have been a lady in her 50s or 60s, and I was a bit confused by your username!

Don't be hung up on your age. Late 30s is not old.

I was in a similar situation last year at age 36. Split up with my boyfriend, who I'd been living with, and had to find a new place to live. I didn't really want to live on my own, and like you, I was horrified by the insane prices for 1 bedroom places (e900). I suppose I was lucky, but I found a lovely place on Daft, sharing with another 30-something girl, who is lovely as well. One of the best living situations I've ever had.

On a sidenote, I met another guy after my ex and I split up and, now I couldn't be happier My late 30s have been very good to me

You have a job and an income, which is great. Look at all of your options, there are many!!

Good luck xx

Pippy1976

I'm not necessarily hung up on my age. It doesn't bother me that I'm late 30's but I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't a college student in my mid-20's willing to live in a grotty flat.

As you said, I've got a job and an income. I feel at this stage I want to live in a comfortable, well-maintained place. I vowed never to go into a house share again as I found, coming towards the end of my tenure in my last place, that it really wasn't for me.

I just hope I can be strong enough to stick to my guns and make the move this time... I know if I stick around this situation with my partner will crop up again and again. Emotionally I can't take any more.

cactusgal wrote: »

Hi op, sorry to hear you're going through a tough time.

TBH, with your earlier posts, I thought you must have been a lady in her 50s or 60s, and I was a bit confused by your username!

Don't be hung up on your age. Late 30s is not old.

I was in a similar situation last year at age 36. Split up with my boyfriend, who I'd been living with, and had to find a new place to live. I didn't really want to live on my own, and like you, I was horrified by the insane prices for 1 bedroom places (e900). I suppose I was lucky, but I found a lovely place on Daft, sharing with another 30-something girl, who is lovely as well. One of the best living situations I've ever had.

On a sidenote, I met another guy after my ex and I split up and, now I couldn't be happier My late 30s have been very good to me

You have a job and an income, which is great. Look at all of your options, there are many!!

Good luck xx

LegacyUser

I am in my 30s and suddenly found myself having to house share after my relationship ended. My advice is to get a place short term, which is what I did if nothing else seems to fit. I moved in with two of the nicest girls also in their 30s that you could meet.

I did the whole house share thing in college/ 20s and it was a nightmare. I was so worried about it this time around. The dynamic is very different though. You all have your own jobs/ friends/ hobbies/ interests. What I found was that there was no drama. You cooked, cleaned up after, cleaned the bathroom/ living room/ etc on your week. It is all very casual. If something happens and you can't get it done, there is no drama, we simply say it to the other two and then you do it when you can.

There are no crazy parties, boyfriends in and out, etc. I like my space too, but it isn't an issue. We are all independent. I can happily head to my room after dinner to read/ do some work and it is honestly fine. There is no noise, doors slamming, people in and out, etc.

Give it a shot, it is hard but it is worth it when you find the right place.

Pippy1976

So, I found a place. Gave the letting agent a definite 'yes' in their presence. Then when I got home I chickened out. Called the whole thing off.

A week on and things have deteriorated further with my 'partner' to the point where I no longer want to speak to him. I called the letting agent to enquire whether the apartment was still available. It is. I told him I'd take it. I'm committed now. I can't back out of the same place twice!!

I'm terrified. I didn't think it would come to this. I don't want to leave him but I know I have to. It's a huge step.

Anyway, wish me luck that I'll be in my little apartment for one!

p

Pinkmoon19

Hi Pippy,

I recently broke up with my partner that I was living with. Thinking of sharing with someone you don't know is a horrible thought. Luckily enough I was in a 2 bed apartment so I interviewed a few people before deciding on a new flat mate.

Maybe it would give you a feeling of control if you where to pick an apartment that you really like and then start to look for a nice flat mate. This means that you will get a home that you are happy with and won't be moving into a house that people are already settled into. Plus you will get to interview the new flatmate and pick someone who you think you could live with.

I know it's not ideal and it's a huge step but it could work out really well. Best of luck and I hope you get out of the situation you are in.

Pippy1976

I've accepted a 1-bed apartment this afternoon. I've to pay a deposit in the morning.

I'm sad about leaving him as he's been my best friend. I don't want to leave him on his own but I need to, for my own sanity.

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Pippy,

I recently broke up with my partner that I was living with. Thinking of sharing with someone you don't know is a horrible thought. Luckily enough I was in a 2 bed apartment so I interviewed a few people before deciding on a new flat mate.

Maybe it would give you a feeling of control if you where to pick an apartment that you really like and then start to look for a nice flat mate. This means that you will get a home that you are happy with and won't be moving into a house that people are already settled into. Plus you will get to interview the new flatmate and pick someone who you think you could live with.

I know it's not ideal and it's a huge step but it could work out really well. Best of luck and I hope you get out of the situation you are in.

Sephiroth_dude

Best of luck OP I Hope it works out for ya.

miamee

Glad to hear you have taken the step OP, it will be tough but once you have done the hardest bit - making the decision to leave for sure. It seems to be the right thing for you from what you have said and if you don't put 'you' first, who will?

Best of luck with the move and all that goes with it.

Pippy1976

Thanks a million!

Tough decision to make, for sure, but then I think of the arguments we have and the names he calls me and I think 'nah, couples don't call eachother names like this' and it confirms it for me.

As I said, I'll miss him terribly, I already do and I haven't even moved out yet!

miamee wrote: »

Glad to hear you have taken the step OP, it will be tough but once you have done the hardest bit - making the decision to leave for sure. It seems to be the right thing for you from what you have said and if you don't put 'you' first, who will?

Best of luck with the move and all that goes with it.

Stavro Mueller

Do you have anyone who can help you with the move? Or to call over and visit soon? Naturally you're going to feel nervous because you're not only saying goodbye to your partner but to your home as well.

Pippy1976

I don't really have that much stuff and yes, I'm sure people would help if I asked them but I don't want to bother anyone.

At the moment I've not told anyone because I'd only just moved back in with him (after a break of a month or more to sort things out) and I can't believe it's come to this.

What do I tell everyone? They'll think I'm a fool!

cymbaline wrote: »

Do you have anyone who can help you with the move? Or to call over and visit soon? Naturally you're going to feel nervous because you're not only saying goodbye to your partner but to your home as well.

Tilly

Have you told him you're moving out or are you just going to be gone one day when he gets home?

ABajaninCork

Well done for taking that leap. It's taken real guts for you to make that call. Never mind what people think!! It's YOUR life. Let me repeat that - IT'S YOUR LIFE!!

You only get one shot, so you have to do what's right for you. If it means leaving your partner - then so be it. You can come and go as you like. Make as much noise as you want (within reason!). Leave dirty plates and clothes around, if you like. What's not to like about living alone?

When you get settled, and feel like telling people, why not invite a few of the girls over for wine, nibbles and a good old moan! Play dance music and have a dance around.

Hope it works for you. Be brave!

Pippy1976

Oh my gosh, no, I've told him. I couldn't walk out and leave him like that.

Tilly wrote: »

Have you told him you're moving out or are you just going to be gone one day when he gets home?

Pippy1976

Thank you!

It is my life but I'm sure my family will wonder where he is when I turn up to things without him!

I was thinking of saying nothing to anyone (family / friends), make the move and then let them know after the fact.

Not sure. I'm so nervous about it all.

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Well done for taking that leap. It's taken real guts for you to make that call. Never mind what people think!! It's YOUR life. Let me repeat that - IT'S YOUR LIFE!!

You only get one shot, so you have to do what's right for you. If it means leaving your partner - then so be it. You can come and go as you like. Make as much noise as you want (within reason!). Leave dirty plates and clothes around, if you like. What's not to like about living alone?

When you get settled, and feel like telling people, why not invite a few of the girls over for wine, nibbles and a good old moan! Play dance music and have a dance around.

Hope it works for you. Be brave!

Merkin

Pippy1976 wrote: »

What do I tell everyone? They'll think I'm a fool!

I've always lived by the motto,

People that mind don't matter, people that matter don't mind

Anyone who cares for you and has your best interests at heart will wholeheartedly support your decision and want the best for you. As for anyone else? I wouldn't even let them occupy brain space. You're doing what is best FOR YOU, that's all that's important.

Pippy1976

Merkin wrote: »

People that mind don't matter, people that matter don't mind

I like that. I'll remember it too. Thanks a million, everyone.

Stavro Mueller

Try telling the news to someone who you know is talkative. Before you know it word will have spread and you'll not need to tell people ;-)

Also there's no shame in having this relationship break down. The people who care about you won't judge. They might even be pleased you've split up if they picked up bad vibes. You'd be surprised what people notice.

ABajaninCork

I second what Cymbaline said. On a lighter note, when I got engaged, it was a week before I told anyone outside our families. I told a work colleague 'in confidence'. He wasted NO time in telling everyone! Saved me a job...

December2012

They won't think you're a fool.

They might not know why you're making the choices you are, but they're not in your position.

They'll want to support you anyway.

Good luck OP. I hope you're happy in your new home.

Pippy1976

Thank you very much for you kind words.

I guess I feel like a fool because I moved out earlier this year and only moved back in 5 weeks ago.

Some would say that was foolhardy but I thought things would be different when I went back. They didn't get any worse but they haven't improved either.

December2012 wrote: »

They won't think you're a fool.

They might not know why you're making the choices you are, but they're not in your position.

They'll want to support you anyway.

Good luck OP. I hope you're happy in your new home.

miamee

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Thank you very much for you kind words.

I guess I feel like a fool because I moved out earlier this year and only moved back in 5 weeks ago.

Some would say that was foolhardy but I thought things would be different when I went back. They didn't get any worse but they haven't improved either.

Well look at it this way, you gave it your very best shot and left no stone unturned in trying to make it work but it wasn't to be. I don't think anyone can say you are foolish for realising that something is not going to work long-term and walking away before it gets any worse. They will think you are brave for making the decision and taking your happiness into your own hands

Merkin

Pippy1976 wrote: »

Thank you very much for you kind words.

I guess I feel like a fool because I moved out earlier this year and only moved back in 5 weeks ago.

Some would say that was foolhardy but I thought things would be different when I went back. They didn't get any worse but they haven't improved either.

Look, plenty of people stay in bad relationships due to fear of the unknown or starting again. It takes courage to do what you have done but you've absolutely done the right thing. No point in living a life of quiet desperation in order to keep up appearances. This is the start of an exciting new chapter so relish it and just cut ties completely with your ex.

Pippy1976

Merkin wrote: »

Look, plenty of people stay in bad relationships due to fear of the unknown or starting again. It takes courage to do what you have done but you've absolutely done the right thing. No point in living a life of quiet desperation in order to keep up appearances. This is the start of an exciting new chapter so relish it and just cut ties completely with your ex.

I totally agree. It was great to be with him but there was always this underlying current of 'this could blow any minute'. Which I guess doesn't sounds like it was great to be with him, but it was.

I've tried to explain to one particular friend what it was like but it just doesn't translate. No-one will ever know what it was like except me. Great guy, but has issues that I just can't help him overcome... and it seems he doesn't want to overcome them either. So, I'm not the right person for him.

ibarelycare

Pippy you're so brave. So many people open threads in here talking about how unhappy their relationships are, and they get given tonnes of advice, but you know they're not going to take that step to change things. You're putting yourself first, which is something that so many people in situations like this find very difficult, and it's extremely admirable and shows how strong you are.

As miamee said, you gave the relationship your best shot, and it didn't work. You couldn't have done anything more and at least you won't look back and think "what if".

The people who love you will accept that the decision you made is the right one for you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't be afraid to ask people for support, that's what friends and family are there for.

Stavro Mueller

Don't worry about trying to explain what happened to people. They don't need to know. Relationships don't work out for all sorts of reasons and you did everything you could. You're now walking away without a nagging "what if" question in your mind.

You've also mentioned being embarrassed a few times. I don't think you should be at all. If people lived their lives worrying about what others think they'd never do anything. I admire you for having the guts to leave when it's clearly an upsetting and trying time for you. Once you get settled in your new home and stsrt to get used to your new life you'll be delighted you had the bravery to do this.

LegacyUser

You have done the right thing here even though it has not been easy for you.
So many people stay in bad relationship because they are to worried about what family, friends ect think.
From what you told us you have given this man a number of chances to change things but this was not happening.
I would ring a good friend that is discreet so you have some one to talk to now as it is not an easy time for you.

I hope you will be happy in your new home.

Pippy1976

I spoke to him briefly at the weekend. I'm still living there as my new place won't be ready for a few weeks. He wants me to come clean about going to the 'cinema' with some guy called 'Sean'.

I didn't go to the cinema. And certainly not with anyone called Sean.

He is throwing away a relationship over some crazy story he's made up in his mind. How can anyone do that? If I'd done something wrong I'd own up to it and admit it. But I've done nothing. And now I'm left with nothing.

Why would I go to the cinema with another man when I had a boyfriend at home whom I loved very much. It's bananas!

lady 213 wrote: »

You have done the right thing here even though it has not been easy for you.
So many people stay in bad relationship because they are to worried about what family, friends ect think.
From what you told us you have given this man a number of chances to change things but this was not happening.
I would ring a good friend that is discreet so you have some one to talk to now as it is not an easy time for you.

I hope you will be happy in your new home.

Stavro Mueller

This just reinforces why you're doing the right thing. The guy obviously has issues and you can't be living your life like this. Once trust goes out of a relationship you're fecked anyway. And that's before you throw paranoid notions like this into the mix.It doesn't matter that you love him and would never cheat. He doesn't agree with you.

Merkin

Pippy1976 wrote: »

He is throwing away a relationship over some crazy story he's made up in his mind.

Maybe the story is a convenient get-out-clause. Who knows. If it is then he's manipulative and dishonest. If it's not and he has made this stuff up then he is paranoid and delusional and mistrusting. I'd see that as a win-win for you, whichever way you look at it.

Pippy1976

Y'know, I've been living with this for a number of years now but only yesterday realised what you're saying - I would never cheat but he will never agree with me.

It doesn't matter what I say, it doesn't matter what I do and it wouldn't matter if I gave up work in the morning, decided to not meet up with another friend 'til the end of days. He'll still think I had the capacity to cheat on him.

I've never been with anyone who has said these kinds of things about me before. It's so hurtful. He says he knows me better than I know myself and he can tell when I'm lying.

Clearly he doesn't know me at all.

cymbaline wrote: »

This just reinforces why you're doing the right thing. The guy obviously has issues and you can't be living your life like this. Once trust goes out of a relationship you're fecked anyway. And that's before you throw paranoid notions like this into the mix.It doesn't matter that you love him and would never cheat. He doesn't agree with you.

Pippy1976

I've kind of come to the conclusion that it's a get-out clause. But he's making me looking like a slithering, weeping mess in the process.

I read on here somewhere a while back that if he's judging me by these low standards then they're the standards he lives by himself. So, nothing will ever change. I never stood a chance.

Merkin wrote: »

Maybe the story is a convenient get-out-clause. Who knows. If it is then he's manipulative and dishonest. If it's not and he has made this stuff up then he is paranoid and delusional and mistrusting. I'd see that as a win-win for you, whichever way you look at it.

Merkin

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I've kind of come to the conclusion that it's a get-out clause. But he's making me looking like a slithering, weeping mess in the process.

Exactly, it's masterful manipulation. It also constitutes as abuse so you are actually removing yourself from an abusive relationship as no loving partner would accuse you in this way. What a wonderful new start for you, well done for extricating yourself from the situation.

username123

Pippy1976 wrote: »

I read on here somewhere a while back that if he's judging me by these low standards then they're the standards he lives by himself. So, nothing will ever change. I never stood a chance.

Yes, the world we see is a reflection of ourselves. People subconsciously assume that other people are like them.