Is no father better than an absent father ?

smiler123

My friend has a son born through a one night stand during his marriage. He has two children with his wife (who he is still with) . When the mother of his son was pregnant , she left the country so he never had the opportunity to meet with the child . She has now returned to the country and wants him to have a relationship with the child (now 3 years old). The problem is this :
1. The mother and child lives 250kms away , so his involvement in his son's life would be limited to an occassional visit .
2. His wife will not stop him from having a relationship with his son , but she wants nothing to do with it and does not want their children to know about their half brother.
My friend would like to get to know his son , but , he is questioning whether it's in the child's best interest to know that he has a father who can only visit once a month as he spends the rest of the time with his 'other' family . He wonders if it's not in the child's best interest if he stayed out of his life completely . Now , I don't know if he's thinking this way for his wife's sake or because he truly believes this , but I wonder if he doesn't have a point .
Let's face it , the situation is desperate and one way or the other , the child can never have a proper father/son relationship . None of this is the child's fault , but it is how it is.
Psychologically , which is least damaging to a child ? : to believe his father left during the pregnancy never it be heard from again or to believe that daddy couldn't possibly love him as much as his other family as he spends 99% of his time with his other kids and a wife who will never meet him (and will eventually realise as he gets older that he was the result of a one night stand ) ?

fRlEnd

I would lean towards suggesting that a loving and committed father who lives 250km away and can only visit occasionally; would be better than no father at all.

Having said that, what do I know? My micro-opinion could be incorrect or ill-thought out. I hope you get a more informed, constructive and comprehensive response than I am able to offer you.

diveout

The most damaging outcomes are multiple failed attempts of an absent parent trying to reunite. So if he is going to try, they better all do it right.

To answer your last paragraph, which is worse.... a lot will depend on the child. So it's pretty unanswerable.

Big Bag of Chips

I know his wife must be devastated, but if she is agreeing to stay with him and try to make it work, then she will have to accept (eventually) that this child is a brother to her children. And much as she'd like to, she will not be able to keep it a secret forever.

Better to deal with that now, when they are all young and more accepting, than in 10-15-20 years time when they will be dealing with adults who could be much more upset at being 'lied to' all those years.

I get the impression this is all fairly new to everyone. So maybe it'll work itself out. But as a couple they need to decide if it's all or nothing. Because half arsed, I think, would be worse for everyone involved.. all parents and all kids.

MyNameIsMethos

If the child's mother were to find a non-biological father figure for him then I'd think it best. There will come a time when the kid will want to know who his father is, if he has not known his father throughout his growing up, but I'd very much agree with you that it could be very damaging to any child to know that he is playing second fiddle to his father's "real" family... Less chance of that being a problem though if he had some breed of stable father figure as he grew up.

Chances are that, when the child grows up, he'll want contact with his half-siblings but I would not bet on your friend's wife softening over time and going back on her want for him to keep this situation separate. She seems to be pretty understanding in her rationale, from what you say, but I'd advise not to push it or bet exclusively on change over time.

lulu1

Yea I say deal with it now and the child will grow up at least knowing he has a father even he is only able to see him a few times a year and when the child comes to an age that he wants to know why daddy lives with another family somewhere else I think that is where the mother comes in and explains the situation.

Greenmachine

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I know his wife must be devastated, but if she is agreeing to stay with him and try to make it work, then she will have to accept (eventually) that this child is a brother to her children. And much as she'd like to, she will not be able to keep it a secret forever.

Better to deal with that now, when they are all young and more accepting, than in 10-15-20 years time when they will be dealing with adults who could be much more upset at being 'lied to' all those years.

I get the impression this is all fairly new to everyone. So maybe it'll work itself out. But as a couple they need to decide if it's all or nothing. Because half arsed, I think, would be worse for everyone involved.. all parents and all kids.

These things always come out eventually. Moved into a house when I was about 10. Normal enough family across the road a few boy and a few girls. I was friends with one of the lads. My younger sister was friends with the youngest in the clan. One day my sister came home and announced that her friend had two mammies. Well I knew the family well enough but not this particular thing it had never been mentioned. It was the unmentionable. The youngest wasn't my friends little sister but his niece. Every family has a few skeletons.

No need to make any more.

hoodwinked

ok i have seen absent fathers from both sides of the coin,

mine used pop in and out as it suited him, (or at least thats how i saw it)

my cousins had no contact until she was in her teens. then tried to make contact,

honest answer, nether one of us talk to either one of them,

mine was probably the most damaging watching him go back to his "real" family every-time, always feeling like an outsider in their home because to his then girlfriend (now wife) i was "my mothers daughter" even though his girlfriend broke up their marriage (which wouldn't have lasted anyway as they only married because of me, and i didn't find any of this out until i was 20) my mother used cover it up by telling me "he's working" or "he's got to go somewhere for work" i knew she was lying to me and i hated her for it. it just caused so many unnecessary probems for what was effectively 5 hours a month.


with hers, she never knew about him, but she also had a stable father figure growing up, that made the world of a difference, she was always more confident than i was, and never broke down like i did, when she was a teenager he made the effort to "get to know her" but after meeting him once or twice she didn't want anything to do with him, to her family was those who were there for her growing up.


so my opinion on the answer was mentioned above, whats best for the child is probably he stay away and the mother find a non-biological father figure. but every situation is different and different factors are at play.

LegacyUser

Its hard to say what would be better really. My biological father left when mam was pregnant. Mum met someone when I was just 4months old and he actually adopted me.
Although I had a father figure mum was always honest with me about my biological dad and I got in contact with him 4 years ago when I was expecting my son. It was hard to find out when he left mam he met a woman who had 2 kids already and he took them on and then had another baby with her but im glad I met him.
On the other side ive also got a half brother 2 years older whos mother never told him that his "dad" is not his biological father. I could easily contact him and tell him even though he doesnt know me it could make him find out more (I wouldnt do this on him because it could cause too much trouble for him.)
But I honestly think honesty is best. I would have liked to think my biological father had time for me, even if it was just once a month. Just as long as the child is not being let down.

Paddy Cow

smiler123 wrote: »

2. His wife will not stop him from having a relationship with his son , but she wants nothing to do with it and does not want their children to know about their half brother.

I don't think the wife has thought this through. I know she must be devastated by what happened and probably sees this as a fair compromise but it's not fair on the three year old. It will be next to impossible for the father to hide the fact that he has another family and the child will feel terrible if he knows that he is being treated like a dirty little secret. Sorry to sound harsh but that's the way the child will see it and no child should ever feel like they are something to be ashamed of.

Children grow up and this secret will come out eventually. It would be better for all if it came out now. Children are very accepting but if they find out as teenagers it could really affect the relationship they have with their parents.

smiler123

Paddy Cow wrote: »

I don't think the wife has thought this through. I know she must be devastated by what happened and probably sees this as a fair compromise but it's not fair on the three year old.

Children grow up and this secret will come out eventually. It would be better for all if it came out now. Children are very accepting but if they find out as teenagers it could really affect the relationship they have with their parents.

Therein lies a big problem as far as the wife is concerned . They have two teenage children. The wife is terrified that it will unsettle them as they face into exams next year and also that it will affect their relationship with their father . She feels that it would be easier to break it to them when they've left school and may be more accepting that the parents marriage is secure (or as secure as it can be given the circumstances ). Had they been young children they would be more accepting of the situation . Both families and close friends are aware of the situation and the couple do not intend to keep it a secret indefinitely , but she is still unwilling to meet with the child ( and if you knew the background you'd understand why , even though the child is completely innocent , she could not bear to meet with him)

Big Bag of Chips

I think they are playing a dangerous game with their kids. No matter what age they are, if this is kept from them and told at a later date they will no doubt be met with "everyone knew except us".

There will always be excuses and there will never be a good time to tell them - it will be exams next year/college/moving out/starting a new job and in the meantime the more people who know, the more people who are likely to let something slip (or tell someone, who tells someone etc)

It's a mess of a situation no doubt. And both of them need to get their heads around what is going on. But the child is here, is real and exists. He's not going to disappear. So they have to deal with the fact that he exists. If they tell the kids and it affects their relationship with their dad, well then that's something else they are going to have to deal with. It will affect how they see their dad regardless of what age they are.

There is no answers to this one OP. None of us can tell the future and can tell how this will play out. I would say though, there has been enough secrets and lies in that family - maybe now it's time to stop them?

smiler123

We'll , it turns out that my friend went to meet up with the mother of his son today . They have agreed for the time being to tell the child that daddy works abroad and cannot visit very often , but will visit when he can ( he's hoping that'll be once every month) and Skype regularly .As he grows older he realises that the truth will have it come out . As for his children , both himself and his wife are going to seek professional advice as to how to proceed with breaking the news to them . Hopefully it will work out for the best for all three children .

diveout

smiler123 wrote: »

We'll , it turns out that my friend went to meet up with the mother of his son today . They have agreed for the time being to tell the child that daddy works abroad and cannot visit very often , but will visit when he can ( he's hoping that'll be once every month) and Skype regularly .As he grows older he realises that the truth will have it come out . As for his children , both himself and his wife are going to seek professional advice as to how to proceed with breaking the news to them . Hopefully it will work out for the best for all three children .

Why are they lying to the child?

So one day the child will grow up and one day realise he was a dirty little secret. Hello 1950s Ireland.

They are all complicit in the disaster that is on its way.

smiler123

diveout wrote: »

Why are they lying to the child?

So one day the child will grow up and one day realise he was a dirty little secret. Hello 1950s Ireland.

They are all complicit in the disaster that is on its way.

I don't disagree with you Personally I feel that the decision was made in haste and poorly thought out .

Big Bag of Chips

Where's he going to Skype from? Not from home, because I'm sure the wife won't be too happy with that, and he won't be able to keep it from the other kids.

Honestly OP, there is no other way than full disclosure here. Once it's out, it's out. There will be fall out whenever it happens. The older kids will be shocked/upset/annoyed etc whenever it comes out... Why not get it out of the way now? And then move on from here without lying to everyone involved.

Can you/they not see further down the line? The 3 year old isn't going to be 3 forever. The older ones aren't going to be thrilled about it whenever they find out, and the longer this goes on with monthly visits and secret Skype calls the more betrayed they will feel.

Give the older ones some credit. I would have hated as a teenager if there was something major going on in my family and it seemed all the extended family, friends and neighbours knew and it was kept from me. I wouldn't care about people insisting it was for my own good etc.. this is something I would be devastated to find out I was the last to know.

I hope the close family & friends are as close as you think... Because I feel this could all be taken out of their hands. I know if it was my kids, I'd be very selective about who knew before I told my children. This is one thing that they cannot risk them hearing from someone else. The longer it is kept a secret the more chance there is of them hearing it from someone else.

diveout

Honestly, I think no father is better than what is on offer here.

Seriously three year old will come to accept no dad up the line, but what he has prepared here is a head melt.

He is doing this to assuage his conscience so he can feel ok with himself but it does neither of his families any good.

diveout

Also is he paying anything towards the child's upbringing?

smiler123

diveout wrote: »

Also is he paying anything towards the child's upbringing?

Yes he is and has been since paternity established that he is the father (shortly after the child's birth).
I've spoken to him yet again this morning and asked him to think things through before making a decision that will probably have an awful affect on all children concerned, but he is adamant that this is what's 'right' and he has already made arrangements to travel down to visit the child this weekend.
As far as skyping is concerned, I honestly don't think he's thought it through, just like he hasn't thought anything else through. Those who know about the child will remain tight lipped, he is certain of that.
I just don't know. My heart goes out to that child, as it does to his other two who will be devastated at the deceit when it eventually does come out. If only people would think with their heads instead of their nether regions before they jump into bed together

Big Bag of Chips

I'd also wonder was he really that unlucky that in the course of his marriage he had 1 one night stand.. and it resulted in a baby.

I know that's slightly off topic, but I think he is in "damage limitation mode" and probably has been for longer than his wife knows about. But because he's been lying and ducking and diving for so long now he doesn't actually know any other way of dealing with situations.

Good luck to them all... It sounds like they're going to need it.

smiler123

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd also wonder was he really that unlucky that in the course of his marriage he had 1 one night stand.. and it resulted in a baby.

I know that's slightly off topic, but I think he is in "damage limitation mode" and probably has been for longer than his wife knows about. But because he's been lying and ducking and diving for so long now he doesn't actually know any other way of dealing with situations.

Good luck to them all... It sounds like they're going to need it.

I don't think so Big Bag of Chips.
This man and I have been the very best of friends since childhood (I'm female incidentally)and we have no secrets as far as I'm aware. I know his wife had her problems with our friendship when she initially started going out with him, but soon came to realise that she had nothing to fear.He's like a big brother to me. I know that he loves his wife very much and that they are a perfect match for each other ( probably why they've managed to weather this storm and bounce back stronger than ever after what happened). I really don't think he plays the field. That said , I never for one minute suspected that he would have a one night stand either, or that he'd make such a rash decision.
But you're right, good luck to them all. I very much fear that I'll be around to pick up the pieces when the proverbial hits the fan:(

Big Bag of Chips

smiler123 wrote: »

we have no secrets as far as I'm aware.

Did he tell you about the one night stand immediately? Or did he wait until he found out a baby had been conceived and as a result knew he had to tell people?

I know that's all incidental, and not really relevant, but I wonder if a baby had not been the result of the one night stand would he ever have admitted it to his wife, friends.

He's had 4 years to come to terms with this. This isn't a rash decision to keep it hidden. This is a "plan". A very selfish plan at that. I know nice guys can get caught doing stupid unexpected things, but genuinely nice guys will generally have a bit of sense to find a proper solution. This solution benefits nobody except him, and his wife. That's fine... But there are 4 other people directly affected, and 3 extended families also affected. He's only interested in saving his own skin at the minute.

smiler123

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Did he tell you about the one night stand immediately? Or did he wait until he found out a baby had been conceived and as a result knew he had to tell people?

I know that's all incidental, and not really relevant, but I wonder if a baby had not been the result of the one night stand would he ever have admitted it to his wife, friends.

He's had 4 years to come to terms with this. This isn't a rash decision to keep it hidden. This is a "plan". A very selfish plan at that. I know nice guys can get caught doing stupid unexpected things, but genuinely nice guys will generally have a bit of sense to find a proper solution. This solution benefits nobody except him, and his wife. That's fine... But there are 4 other people directly affected, and 3 extended families also affected. He's only interested in saving his own skin at the minute.

He told me straightaway (came from her house straight to mine to sober up and ask for advice). His wife was away at the time , but as soon as she arrived home he confessed all to her. It was a couple of months later before he found about the pregnancy. He's really not the type of person you suspect he might be, although his behaviour at the moment might lead you to think otherwise.

diveout

smiler123 wrote: »

Yes he is and has been since paternity established that he is the father (shortly after the child's birth).
I've spoken to him yet again this morning and asked him to think things through before making a decision that will probably have an awful affect on all children concerned, but he is adamant that this is what's 'right' and he has already made arrangements to travel down to visit the child this weekend.
As far as skyping is concerned, I honestly don't think he's thought it through, just like he hasn't thought anything else through. Those who know about the child will remain tight lipped, he is certain of that.
I just don't know. My heart goes out to that child, as it does to his other two who will be devastated at the deceit when it eventually does come out. If only people would think with their heads instead of their nether regions before they jump into bed together

Oh gosh. It when people are well meaning, that can be when the biggest mistakes are made because they are so confident in what they believe.

He can forget SKYPE and a three year old btw. No one can be certain of anyone remaining tight lipped. Things have a way of coming out and then you lose control and the dog has the lead.

LegacyUser

I am a mother of a child whose father is absent.
She was born out of an extramarital affair he had. He had 4 children at the time with his wife. My daughter is now 12 and hasn't seen her father since she was around 6 months of age. He has no interest in seeing her. He was forced to tell his wife when my daughter was around 3 months old due to my maintenance application. I believe she is stopping him from seeing the child and he is afraid to stand up to her.

It breaks my heart for my daughter as I grew up without a father, he died when I was a toddler, and I didn't want that for my child. But as they say, we are where we are. I always felt it would be good for her to see him, even if it only was once a month but at this stage of her life with hormones kicking in, I think she would find it frustrating.

They are still married, I'm quite certain that he told her it was a one night stand so perhaps that's why she felt it easier to stay with him; if it was an affair with emotions attached maybe she wouldn't be there. How and ever people choose what they want to believe. He is the one that has to live with his conscience, and I have to live with the guilt of choosing the wrong father for my child.

At the end of the day I think a father who makes a consistent effort to be in his childs life is preferable to a completely absent one.

Good luck to your friend OP, as others have said there will never be a good time to tell the other kids but who knows, they might be delighted with the idea of having a baby brother! Honesty is the best policy.

Big Bag of Chips

Just on a slightly different angle, someone in my extended family has been contacted by his 17 year old daughter. He has younger kids with his partner.

When his gf of the time got pregnant he was warned to stay away. They were little more than teenagers so he did what he was told. He didn't even know whether he had a son or daughter. He was never told. His partner knew from the beginning that a child existed, but they never tried to make contact.

A few weeks ago the daughter found him on Facebook, and made contact. I think but am not certain that she actually contacted his 13 year old daughter explaining who she was!

In their case the kids were shocked and upset that they were never told... And that was with absolutely no contact whatsoever. Imagine the hurt and upset of teenagers who this is being actively hidden from? That their dad is sneaking off at weekends to go see their sibling and is lying to them along with their mam, and other family members about where he is gone?

The kids in the scenario above are still a bit shocked over this. But understand that when they meet her, it will be a first for all of them. They would be absolutely devastated to meet her and find out her and their dad had been meeting for years, and they were being lied to.

So that is another side. The 3 year old won't be 3 for very long. And depending on how long they put off telling them it might be taken out of their hands. No matter how much they trust someone, they can not ever be certain something won't "slip". Or that in a few years time the child makes his own contact, or the mother gets sick of her child being a shameful secret and decides to let them know herself.

As we said... Nobody knows what will happen here. But there are enough scenarios of what *might* happen for me to decide I'd want to be in the driving seat with regards to handling it and my other children.

hoodwinked

me too wrote: »

At the end of the day I think a father who makes a consistent effort to be in his childs life is preferable to a completely absent one.

Good luck to your friend OP, as others have said there will never be a good time to tell the other kids but who knows, they might be delighted with the idea of having a baby brother! Honesty is the best policy.

it really does depend though, in my experience, adults who have extra martial affairs like my dad are (and were always) very selfish people, and that manifests itself in all area's of his life to the point it is damaging to his children,

when two adults create a situation like this the children and the cheated on spouse are the innocent victims of selfishness on behalf of the two adults involved, even more so when the two weren't careful enough to use adequate protection.

which is why you now need to exclude what the selfish pair WANT for "their" child, and look at what is best for the real victims here,

realistically no child is going to be happy with a sibling that came from an affair or one night stand. nether is the cheated on spouse, any person trying to force the result of their bad choices on these innocent people should be twice as ashamed of their selfish actions..

the best outcome here is imo, the mother of the 3 year old, moves on accepting the fact the father is not going to be around and was nothing more than a sperm donor, and actively tries to give that child a settled secure family life, there are plenty one parent families or non-biological parents who do a great job and raise great children, having a strange man turn up for 5 hours once a month will just cause problems, and the only reason to do it is to alleviate the guilt both feel due to their previous selfish actions, which is a selfish action in itself and not for the benefit of the child,

the family need to inform their children of what happened as soon as they can and let them make their own minds up on how they see their dad, but again this should be done when the mother is ready for it, as she is also a victim and probably needs to come to terms with it in her own head before dealing with the questions her children will have.

Chimamanda

me too wrote: »

I am a mother of a child whose father is absent.
She was born out of an extramarital affair he had. He had 4 children at the time with his wife. My daughter is now 12 and hasn't seen her father since she was around 6 months of age. He has no interest in seeing her. He was forced to tell his wife when my daughter was around 3 months old due to my maintenance application. I believe she is stopping him from seeing the child and he is afraid to stand up to her.

It breaks my heart for my daughter as I grew up without a father, he died when I was a toddler, and I didn't want that for my child. But as they say, we are where we are. I always felt it would be good for her to see him, even if it only was once a month but at this stage of her life with hormones kicking in, I think she would find it frustrating.

They are still married, I'm quite certain that he told her it was a one night stand so perhaps that's why she felt it easier to stay with him; if it was an affair with emotions attached maybe she wouldn't be there. How and ever people choose what they want to believe. He is the one that has to live with his conscience, and I have to live with the guilt of choosing the wrong father for my child.

At the end of the day I think a father who makes a consistent effort to be in his childs life is preferable to a completely absent one.

Good luck to your friend OP, as others have said there will never be a good time to tell the other kids but who knows, they might be delighted with the idea of having a baby brother! Honesty is the best policy.

I find your attitude quite interesting . You suggest his wife is stopping him from seeing his child and he can't stand up to her ??? He has hurt his wife very badly . Surely she is entitled to have a say ?? And surely he has to accept that he must respect her wishes in exchange for the complete lack of respect he had for her when he slept with you ? Or maybe he actually doesn't want to know about your daughter , but you're blaming his wife rather than seeing how selfish he actually is ?
Your heart is breaking for your child as you didn't want a child growing up without a father ?
YOU made a decision to have an affair with a married man . This is your fault just as much as it is his . You both made the decision to bring a child into the world knowing that there could only been a poor outcome for your child.
OP : I am coming through a very rough period in my life , having found out about my husband's extra martial affair . Thankfully it did not result in a pregnancy . My heart is breaking for that mans poor poor wife . It is difficult enough to accept that your husband was attracted enough to someone to sleep with them , but to have a child as a constant reminder of that fact must be horrific !! I believe that she has every right to tell her husband that she wants nothing to do with the child . In fact, I think she a downright saint to allow contact at all !!
Both the children (all children) and the wife are the innocent parties in this . The husband and mother of the child must make a decision based on what is best for the innocent parties , not based on what is right for them (to assuage their guilt at this whole mess ) . Shame on them for putting themselves first (yet again ) .

January

Chimamanda wrote: »

I find your attitude quite interesting . You suggest his wife is stopping him from seeing his child and he can't stand up to her ??? He has hurt his wife very badly . Surely she is entitled to have a say ?? And surely he has to accept that he must respect her wishes in exchange for the complete lack of respect he had for her when he slept with you ? Or maybe he actually doesn't want to know about your daughter , but you're blaming his wife rather than seeing how selfish he actually is ?
Your heart is breaking for your child as you didn't want a child growing up without a father ?
YOU made a decision to have an affair with a married man . This is your fault just as much as it is his . You both made the decision to bring a child into the world knowing that there could only been a poor outcome for your child.
OP : I am coming through a very rough period in my life , having found out about my husband's extra martial affair . Thankfully it did not result in a pregnancy . My heart is breaking for that mans poor poor wife . It is difficult enough to accept that your husband was attracted enough to someone to sleep with them , but to have a child as a constant reminder of that fact must be horrific !! I believe that she has every right to tell her husband that she wants nothing to do with the child . In fact, I think she a downright saint to allow contact at all !!
Both the children (all children) and the wife are the innocent parties in this . The husband and mother of the child must make a decision based on what is best for the innocent parties , not based on what is right for them (to assuage their guilt at this whole mess ) . Shame on them for putting themselves first (yet again ) .

I find your attitude quite interesting too.

It is BOTH of their daughter, not just the the mothers. Unfortunately the father made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Yes, the wife was hurt but the child is innocent in all of this and should not be punished for it's mother AND fathers behaviour.

The wife is not a downright saint to 'allow contact at all', it's the decent thing to do and it's got nothing to do with forgiving her husband for the affair that HE was involved in.

Chimamanda

January wrote: »

I find your attitude quite interesting too.

It is BOTH of their daughter, not just the the mothers. Unfortunately the father made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Yes, the wife was hurt but the child is innocent in all of this and should not be punished for it's mother AND fathers behaviour.

The wife is not a downright saint to 'allow contact at all', it's the decent thing to do and it's got nothing to do with forgiving her husband for the affair that HE was involved in.

Yes you are absolutely right , it is both of their daughter . The father however doesn't seem to want to know the child . I find it insulting that the mother would suggest that wife is at fault . She doesn't know why the father refuses to see his daughter .
And as someone who is working through the aftermath of an affair , I would have serious issues with my husband visiting his lovechild (and I don't care how selfish that makes me sound !) Maybe at some stage in the future , if our marriage survived I might mellow , who knows . I would not stop my husband from visiting the child, however , but I know that it would be the end of our marriage . That what I mean be her being a saint : to allow it and still remain married . Or maybe she's a fool .

diveout

Chimamanda wrote: »

Yes you are absolutely right , it is both of their daughter . The father however doesn't seem to want to know the child . I find it insulting that the mother would suggest that wife is at fault . She doesn't know why the father refuses to see his daughter .
And as someone who is working through the aftermath of an affair , I would have serious issues with my husband visiting his lovechild (and I don't care how selfish that makes me sound !) Maybe at some stage in the future , if our marriage survived I might mellow , who knows . I would not stop my husband from visiting the child, however , but I know that it would be the end of our marriage . That what I mean be her being a saint : to allow it and still remain married . Or maybe she's a fool .

Well it might be the end of the marriage, too soon to tell.

But it's not her place to deny the visitation, in fact it's illegal to do it if your a biological mother, I can't imagine a step mother being looked on to fondly for it.