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Is no father better than an absent father ?

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    #32
    Chimamanda
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Chimamanda


    diveout wrote: »
    Well it might be the end of the marriage, too soon to tell.

    But it's not her place to deny the visitation, in fact it's illegal to do it if your a biological mother, I can't imagine a step mother being looked on to fondly for it.

    I'd suspect in the case of the op's friend's wife , she doesn't particularly care how she's viewed at the minute (but she's allowed him visit ) . In the case of me too , we don't know that the wife is refusing the father access . The poster seems to have jumped to her own conclusions .


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    #33
    diveout
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭diveout


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    I'd suspect in the case of the op's friend's wife , she doesn't particularly care how she's viewed at the minute (but she's allowed him visit ) . In the case of me too , we don't know that the wife is refusing the father access . The poster seems to have jumped to her own conclusions .

    Right. We don't know that. He could also just be saying that. I've been there where I've seen the step mom scapegoated by the bio dad, but it's really the bio dad. And then the bio dad goes back to the step mom and claims biomom is denying access and a whole host of other lies.


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    #34
    meganj
    Registered Users Posts: 424 ✭✭meganj


    It's not really about what's "better" here - either way this kid loses out.

    But I will say from personal experience that there is nothing worse than being kept a secret. It took me a very long time to realise that my own Father would rather keep me a secret from his other children because it was easier that way, because it would hurt them too much, and at the end of the day the shame that goes with knowing you're a secret is almost impossible to bare.

    Your friend, his wife, the mother of his other child, all need to be honest here - with themselves and with their children.
    Chimamanda wrote: »
    In fact, I think she a downright saint to allow contact at all !!
    Both the children (all children) and the wife are the innocent parties in this . The husband and mother of the child must make a decision based on what is best for the innocent parties , not based on what is right for them (to assuage their guilt at this whole mess ) . Shame on them for putting themselves first (yet again ) .

    There's no guilty and innocent here. There's adults and there's children. No child should ever be forced to bare the weight of an adult situation. Standing around pointing fingers over who did what is irrelevant. Instead the mature, sensible and right thing to do is recognise that all the children in this situation are deserving of some level of love and respect.
    Chimamanda wrote: »
    And as someone who is working through the aftermath of an affair , I would have serious issues with my husband visiting his lovechild (and I don't care how selfish that makes me sound !)

    I'm a "lovechild". And I'm sure my Father's wife would despise me and all that I represent to her. But again - there's no right or wrong only adults and children. You or anyone in that situation does not have the right to punish any child (hypothetical or not) for being born in a difficult situation.

    Also - don't ever use the term "lovechild" again - it's outdated, moderately offensive and ridiculous.


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    #35
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    Y
    And as someone who is working through the aftermath of an affair , I would have serious issues with my husband visiting his lovechild (and I don't care how selfish that makes me sound !)

    In that case you should, as an adult, consider how many lives you are willing to make worse because your life didn't work out like you wanted it too. Because no matter how selfish you consider your husband and the woman he chose to have an affair with to be you are being worse. You are an adult who has been betrayed and you have choice and agency here. This is a tiny child that you would like to deny a father because you're too sore to cope with them. Which is awful, can you imagine how you would feel if your own children had a father who wouldn't see them? Honestly you've been put in an awful position by your husband but you have a choice as to how far the tsunami of your relationship difficulties goes.


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    #36
    Chimamanda
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Chimamanda


    meganj wrote: »
    It's not really about what's "better" here - either way this kid

    Also - don't ever use the term "lovechild" again - it's outdated, moderately offensive and ridiculous.

    However outdated it may be , it is in both Oxford and Collins dictionaries . I quite like the euphemism as I find the other definition highly offensive .
    Miss Flitworth
    If you read my post fully , you would realise that I stated I'd have a problem with my husband visiting his child , but I would NOT prevent him from doing so .


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    #37
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    If you read my post fully , you would realise that I stated I'd have a problem with my husband visiting his child , but I would NOT prevent him from doing so .

    How is saying that your marriage is over if your husband visits his child not preventing him from doing so?
    I would not stop my husband from visiting the child, however , but I know that it would be the end of our marriage


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    #38
    Chimamanda
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Chimamanda


    MissFlitworth wrote: »
    How is saying that your marriage is over if your husband visits his child not preventing him from doing so?

    I wouldn't tell him that . I wouldn't make him choose between me and his other child if that's what you think . If he wished to visit his child then I know our marriage couldn't survive , pure and simple. I might give it a try for a month or so , who knows , but it wouldn't last. It's hanging by a thread as it is after his confession it me . If I heard he had a child who he was going to visit regularly , I know, in my heart that that would be the end .


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    #39
    MissFlitworth
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    Your marriage is over then, if your husband is a normal decent person. Which is awful and painful and you have been betrayed but the people who were put in a situation like this who stay in it have to understand that the people who get looked after are the children of the relationships. Kids rate higher than the adults who could ruin their lives every single time


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    #40
    diveout
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭diveout


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    However outdated it may be , it is in both Oxford and Collins dictionaries . I quite like the euphemism as I find the other definition highly offensive .
    Miss Flitworth
    If you read my post fully , you would realise that I stated I'd have a problem with my husband visiting his child , but I would NOT prevent him from doing so .

    The 'euphamism'- as in a word applied to make it sound better than it actually is. Holy wow. You are talking about a child here who did not ask for any of this.

    It is your husband's son or daughter. Let it sink in.


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    #41
    Chimamanda
    Registered Users Posts: 23 ✭Chimamanda


    diveout wrote: »
    The 'euphamism'- as in a word applied to make it sound better than it actually is. Holy wow. You are talking about a child here who did not ask for any of this.

    It is your husband's son or daughter. Let it sink in.

    Just to clarify here , my husband had an affair , he does not have a child outside of our marriage . I was referring hypothetically to the situation , how I would feel if I discovered that he had a child with the other woman (trying to relate to how the wife of the OP's friend must feel) . I realise , reading back over my post that I did not make that clear .
    My husband and I are trying to repair our marriage , and thankfully do not have a child outside of our marriage to add to the hurt and betrayal .


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    #42
    diveout
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭diveout


    Chimamanda wrote: »
    Just to clarify here , my husband had an affair , he does not have a child outside of our marriage . I was referring hypothetically to the situation , how I would feel if I discovered that he had a child with the other woman (trying to relate to how the wife of the OP's friend must feel) . I realise , reading back over my post that I did not make that clear .
    My husband and I are trying to repair our marriage , and thankfully do not have a child outside of our marriage to add to the hurt and betrayal .

    Oh right. Ok. So an irrelevent fantasy.


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