back to work or stay at home mammy

flagnoflag

Hi folks, I am returning to work... i THINK. I have 3 children under 5 with the eldest starting primary in september. and then a 3 year old son and 1 year old baby. I think I would prefer to stay at home as I want to be there with my children especially my child is starting school. But my husband would prefer me to go back, he is worried about money, I understand that. and tells me as I am a teacher how great a job i have and all the time I have with the kids. I am just looking for some advice from people who have made the decision either to go back or to stay at home? I think we can make ends meet, and I can always go back to my job, but hen this time is gone it is gone.

SterlingArcher

flagnoflag wrote: »

Hi folks, I am returning to work... i THINK. I have 3 children under 5 with the eldest starting primary in september. and then a 3 year old son and 1 year old baby. I think I would prefer to stay at home as I want to be there with my children especially my child is starting school. But my husband would prefer me to go back, he is worried about money, I understand that. and tells me as I am a teacher how great a job i have and all the time I have with the kids. I am just looking for some advice from people who have made the decision either to go back or to stay at home? I think we can make ends meet, and I can always go back to my job, but hen this time is gone it is gone.

Sounds to me ,like you see what is more meaningful in life, no matter how you put it. You want to be there and see your kids growing up. And why not ,all these moments will be lost in time, like tear drops in the rain.

My own mam sacrificed like this. Wanting to be there for us. maybe we had a little less money because of it. But I'm glad she did. She is amazing.

women go back to work and that is great for some and some have to. But if you are having doubts and go back to work. These doubts may manifest in other ways. Such as guilt. Like maybe spoiling the children out of guilt for not being there.

highly1111

Have you done then financials and is it possible?? Remember to include transferring tax credits to your husband, petrol costs etc.

If you are permanent, why not apply for a one year career break?

December2012

I think you need to give your husbands thought some consideration - are you talking about having him support you for the next 18 years?

Orion

That's a bit harsh December2012. He would be supporting his family - not just her.

Going back to work or not - each has it's advantages. It's its purely financial then going back means you have more money to provide for your children from food, clothing to extracurricular activities, holidays etc. On the other hand you need to factor in child care costs - they can be expensive and could well cost more than you earn for 3 kids. AS a teacher you would be able to spend more time with your kids than other 9-5 parents so that's another factor but you would lost some of the time that you cherish.

It's a decision only you and your husband can make ultimately once you've weighed up all the pros and cons.

December2012

Yep he would be supporting his family - which he has an obligation to do. He does not have an obligation to take on more money worries simply because his wife wants to be at home with the children.

Its a very different story if he's happy with and so is she.

Moonbeam

would you actually be better off financially with 3 of them in childcare?
Can you take a career break?

diveout

Childcare for three is expensive. Very expensive. Would it be worth the cost?

Orion

December2012 wrote: »

Yep he would be supporting his family - which he has an obligation to do. He does not have an obligation to take on more money worries simply because his wife wants to be at home with the children.

Its a very different story if he's happy with and so is she.

He'd be taking on money worries by himself would he? She'd have no worries? I think you're missing my point - they are a partnership - what affects one affects both.

There is a lot to be said for having a stay at home parent with regard to nurturing and generally just being there for the kids. It's not to say that kids with two working parents are neglected but I'd have loved for one of us to be home for ours - the creche saw them awake more than we did for the first year or two. My impression of the OP was not that she's wants something selfish - she said she wants to be there with her children especially as one is just starting school. That's not something to dismiss.

In fact reading the OP again I think the husband is being a bit selfish and/or passive aggressive by telling her that she has a great job and lots of time with the kids. He should be happy for both her and them rather than critical of the desire to raise her kids.

December2012

We actually agree on a similar point - what affects one affects both.

Being an at home parent myself I know the value in it.

But it suits all of us, my point is that it's not something where one person gets to decide.

nick 56

I stayed at home and my teacher wife went back to work. my / our children were having problems with our moving back to Ireland (new schools, new friends) . one of us had to be around full time

I took 2 years out from building. She worked -- long holidays, good pay , pension.

No brainer

Suucee

I work part time. 5 hours a day 5 days a week. Im currently on maternity leave but will not be going back. The childcare is a huge issue. As I work part time it could be mornings or afternoons, to hold a place any crèche I looked in to wanted me to pay full days to hold their places. They would only be in childcare 3 days id say as MIL would take them 2 but what I earn in those 3 days would just be going straight to the childcare along with a little extra. Another factor for me is that I am not a huge fan of my job anyway and find it very stressful. I have a 2 year old and a 2 month old. Yes my kids wont be going on any foreign holidays any time soon. All there clothes are from pennys/dunnes or hand me downs . But they are happy, im happy and OH is happy.
Its a decision only you can make though (with your OH of course)

poolsandles

flagnoflag wrote: »

tells me as I am a teacher how great a job i have and all the time I have with the kids.

I think we can make ends meet, and I can always go back to my job, but hen this time is gone it is gone.

OP, the above two points stood out for me. Yes as a teacher you have good holidays but factor in croke park hours and the endless paperwork which will still have to be done. I know several teachers whose husbands are home before them in the evenings!

You mentioned when the time is gone, it is gone. This would suggest to me that you may regret going back to work now in the future. Would you consider job sharing? It may be an ideal compromise for you and your husband as you will still be earning some money and getting to spend time with your children, which seems to be your priority. Another option is a career break if you can afford it.

Good luck with your decision!

The Princess Bride

highly1111 wrote: »

If you are permanent, why not apply for a one year career break?

I agree with this -is it an option?Or job-sharing /part-time?
In 4 years,your youngest will be attending primary -those few years will fly by.
I was in a similar position 13 years ago-I choose to return part-time. Best decision ever.Having worked full-time with 2 under 2- part-time with 3 was a doddle!

As a teacher,you have an ideal career for parenting( imo!).
In my experience,my children needed me more the older they were-orthodontic appointments,school matches,etc..Not to mention the expense.

Financially speaking, if there is a reasonable profit after childcare costs,then it's worth it.
I love my job,love my independence,my children always come first -but the balance I sought was easily achievable -a bit of organisation etc....

From a self esteem point of view, had I left the workforce,I'd probably not have returned,as my career is forever changing at a ridiculously fast pace & I doubt I'd have had the confidence to adapt,years later.

Best of luck with your decision - no matter what your choice,accept it is the right one for you & yours.

icescreamqueen

Maybe think about going on a job share, a week on and a week off. I've heard from fellow teachers that you still come out with 2/3s of your salary.

Hannibal Smith

December2012 wrote: »

I think you need to give your husbands thought some consideration - are you talking about having him support you for the next 18 years?

Oh my god we've gone back 50 years where the work a stay at home mum does is completely underrated and unappreciated.

December2012

Who said anything about being unappreciated? How about appreciating that the burden of providing is a heavy one?

My family appreciate everything I do the same way I appreciate everything my husband does.

Appreciation and gratitude and support is a two way street. And in decisions like finance everybody needs to be on the same page. It happens all the time in families - eg will we spend our money on X or save it for Y.

It has to suit the whole family. The OP must factor in exactly how long she proposes to stay out of work and then see if it's affordable.

Hannibal Smith

December2012 wrote: »

Who said anything about being unappreciated? How about appreciating that the burden of providing is a heavy one?

My family appreciate everything I do the same way I appreciate everything my husband does.

Appreciation and gratitude and support is a two way street. And in decisions like finance everybody needs to be on the same page. It happens all the time in families - eg will we spend our money on X or save it for Y.

It has to suit the whole family. The OP must factor in exactly how long she proposes to stay out of work and then see if it's affordable.

Yes PROVIDING FOR A FAMILY. ...not having to support his wife, which is what you said. There is a huge difference between those two comments.

pwurple

How does it work out childcare-wise?

The 5 year old is starting school, is the 3 year old starting ecce?

It's a pretty nice position to be in, either way.

Is there a jobshare option available? I know a few teachers with small children who do that.

Chattastrophe!

As others have said, it's hard to imagine that you'd come out any better off after taking childcare into consideration? Having said that, are you a primary or secondary school teacher? If primary, would teaching infants be an option? Might be easier to get out of work on time. If you went with a childminder rather than creche, you might be able to get more flexibility with regard to hours. Also how does childcare usually work out for teachers during the summer months? Again I'd imagine you'd get more flexibility with a childminder than a creche (but you'd also need to weigh into consideration what would happen if the minder ever got sick, or if your children did.)

Best thing is to sit down and factor in all the finances. Get it on paper (or computer!!) The idea of being the sole earner probably freaks your husband out a bit (what if he were to lose his job?) As mentioned above, you should take into account that your husband can use your tax credits if you're not working. Could you give grinds perhaps? It would be a nice bit of extra income.

Also might be good to discuss with your husband what kind of timeframe you're thinking of. Would you be planning on returning to work when the youngest starts school (and what if you have more children in the meantime?) Will you be able to return to your current job, do you think, and if not how difficult would it be to find another?

I'd also really consider what it would be like not going to work and interacting with other adults on a regular basis - I know personally I'm actually quite looking forward to returning to the routine of work after maternity leave, and the human interaction, and just having a break from being at home every day. However I'm sure that, having been on maternity leave three times, you've already considered it and would be happy to do it full-time.

meeeeh

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Yes PROVIDING FOR A FAMILY. ...not having to support his wife, which is what you said. There is a huge difference between those two comments.

Whatever it is there is no denying that one of partners is dependant on the other one. Not much of an issue if things are good. A big issue if they are not. I like the freedom own money offers and I also like that I do work that has actual monetary value. It is good for my confidence so for ne being stay at home parent isn't an option. But whatever the decision might be I don't think only financial arguments should decide it (if you have a luxury of choice).

Glinda

Going back to work will be tough for a couple of years, but that's all - childcare costs are very high in the first year or two, but you need to look a bit further down the road than the next year or two if you can, after all this is a lifetime we are talking about - you have worked hard, probably since your schooldays, and done well to get your education, qualifications and a really good, family friendly career. I think it would be a mistake to give up those hard won things easily.

There is also the matter of giving up your ability to support yourself financially. I know some won't agree, but I think this is a bad idea. It is completely different to taking a year or two out to care for a loved-one (whether a baby or elderly person or whatever). I have seen many women left very vulnerable in middle age by decisions they made years ago to stop supporting themselves financially and become reliant on someone else for money.

Lastly, don't forget your children will soon be gone to school and there will be little need for you at home - I know it is hard to leave them when they are small - as others have said maybe a career break or part-time work is the answer for the next couple of years - that way you get lots of time with your family without giving up completely on your career.

ash23

There was a while back when my partner lost his job and I was the main earner. It was a lot of pressure and I would say that it would be a bad idea to become a stay at home parent if your partner doesn't agree as I can see from experience how it would lead to resentment.

I think that your husband has a point and it's something you really need to listen to before making any decisions.
I think there's a compromise to be reached in terms of maybe a career break or looking for part time.

It isn't really fair to put him in the position of sole earner if he isn't in agreement.