Help!! Cheating boyfriend wants to break up but I know it is crazy!

mangotracy

Any advice appreciated! Partner wants to break up but would stay if I asked. Should I just kick his ass and make him face up to his promises??

His family and friends think he is mad, they are very supportive and say that I am the best woman he's had, that his ex wife treated him like a doormat and he needs to get professional counselling and sort his life out. Even my partner says I'm a brilliant girlfriend.

Some background - we've lived together for four years but last year I found out that he had spent the whole relationship sexting other women, and met up with four women and kissed them.

I wanted to break up but we agreed I'd stay a year, with him declaring love and remorse etc. He said the sexting because compulsive and obsessive for him, and was grateful that it had come to light. The year is almost up now, and he has stopped sexting others, but relapsed twice.

A few months ago I suggested counselling to discuss our options and talk better, but he's delayed and today has written me a very long negative letter saying he wants to end our relationship because the trust has gone (even though he was the one who broke it!!!). He says he doesn't want to live with or marry anyone. Wish he'd said that before he persuaded me to move in with him and we planned the baby. He does say he still loves me.

Previously he was married for 15 years (and had four kids that I help to look after, one lives with us).

I know I have to leave. But I worked so hard and stayed through all this trauma, built relationships with kids and we were building something stable and loyal.

It's like he can't face me anymore because I know he is capable of lying and cheating.

I'm so angry with him!! He wants to start afresh but I know he'll go right back to cheating and he'll muck up his and other women's lives. Help!!

prettyrestless

It sounds like he got effed up by his ex wife and hasn't fully come to terms with the damage that was done. I can understand that you don't want to give up after all the time and effort you have put in, but I don't think you can fix this. He has issues and he needs counselling/therapy to deal with them. If he's not willing to do that yet, then there isn't anything you can do.

You deserve better than someone you can't trust or rely on. It might hard raising your son on your own, but do you really want to raise him in an environment like this? I think you already know what you have to do, wishing you all the best.

tiablue

he will never change, if you really loved somebody you wouldnt cheat. Dont put yourself down by staying with a pig like that, find somebody better and decent. a leopard never changes its spots. You'd be fooling yourself thinking he'll change. If you stay your only asking for trouble because you'll always have doubts in your mind and you'll never fully trust him. As for the kids. You can always maintain a relationship with them birthday & xmas cards ect

Taltos

Better here OP. For anyone who has followed this thread please read the local charter before posting.

Taltos

mangotracy

Hi Taltos,

Sorry I wasn't sure I understood your post. Should I move it somewhere else?

Tasden

Sorry OP but he wants to break up. Whatever his reasons for wanting to end it are (whether its guilt/lack of trust, or just that the relationship has run its course) he has decided its over. Even if you think you can convince him not to end it right now, technically its over, he has decided that if he has written to you saying such. He had a second chance and he still "relapsed". And now he is telling you its over instead of trying to fix things so why should you even try to make him stay?

You didn't build something loyal and stable, he was cheating. That's not loyalty. You deserve true loyalty and respect from a partner.

Taltos

mangotracy wrote: »

Hi Taltos,

Sorry I wasn't sure I understood your post. Should I move it somewhere else?

No it's ok mango - I have already moved your thread to the appropriate forum.

Merkin

This relationship is dead in the water so I'd cut my losses if I were you (and I use the term "losses" loosely, he doesn't sound like that much of a catch).

He has been relentlessly seeking the attention of other women throughout your relationship, he refuses to go for any relationship counselling and he has categorically told you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. All his talk of loving you is completely empty given the way he has treated you throughout your relationship.

Start making arrangements to separate.

Emme

I think you have more to gain by holding the door open for this joker and kicking his ass on the way out than by trying to save a non-existent relationship.

Let him go. There are plenty more fish in the sea but you are better off on your own than with someone like that.

Alf. A. Male

Why did he have any say in where you'd go if you broke up? That seems so small a thing, but I find it quite telling. You sound like you are taking no control of your own situation and have surrendered to his needs and wishes. If I was in your shoes I'd start making my own choices and the first choice I'd be making is to leave.

mikom

Sting operation time.
Put this baby to bed for good.

strobe

So he's been cheating on you for your entire relationship, even after being caught, and has said straight out in black and white that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you... ... ... ?

Why in earth are you even entertaining continuing in this relationship?

Madness...

Big Bag of Chips

If someone tells you they want to finish with you then you keep your dignity and you let them finish with you. By the time people say it out loud they have already checked out of the relationship long before. It's not something they wake up one morning and say out of the blue.

He doesn't want to be with you. He wants to be with others. He was sexting girls, met a few and only kissed? You believe that, do you? Why would he go to the bother of all that contact, the effort to meet up, just for a kiss?

Why do you want to stay with him? Do you think you can "fix" him, or something? This relationship will come to its inevitable conclusion at some stage. Holding onto a dead relationship is just dragging it out.

Ann84

Hi OP,

The title of your thread says a lot...
...'Cheating boyfriend wants to break up but I know it is crazy!'

1. Cheating boyfriend - actions clear of someone who is not happy in a relationship

2. Wants to break up - ok

3. - I know it's crazy - why?!?!?!!

What you, his family or friends think is not really relevant. It sounds like your boyfriend has been more than clear in both his actions and words. I really don't mean to be harsh but it really doesn't seem like you are listening or respecting what he is saying and getting angry is totally normal, but staying there when he doesn't want to be with you is definately not good for you.... At all.

Reading your post, it seems like your ignoring what he has said, he doesn't appear interested in your relationship, but stop trying to rationalise why you should stay, whatever everyone else thinks, he doesn't feel the same,

Best of luck OP,

Stavro Mueller

I've read your other posts about this relationship and I think it's time the plug was pulled on it. I get the impression that you've been so hell-bent on staying in the relationship that you've been making excuses for his behaviour. The last line of your original post says it all: He wants to start afresh but I know he'll go right back to cheating and he'll muck up his and other women's lives

Why would you want to stay with someone who has clearly been trawling around looking for other women all the time you've been together. Someone who you don't trust. I'm not sure he just "kissed" these women either. Don't forget cheats often downplay what they've been up to. You're just dragging the arse out of this relationship from what I can see. He has said he wants out so why try to haul him back in? You're just prolonging the misery - this is going to blow up again at some stage.

Flippyfloppy

mangotracy wrote: »

Any advice appreciated! Partner wants to break up but would stay if I asked. Should I just kick his ass and make him face up to his promises??

His family and friends think he is mad, they are very supportive and say that I am the best woman he's had, that his ex wife treated him like a doormat and he needs to get professional counselling and sort his life out. Even my partner says I'm a brilliant girlfriend.

Some background - we've lived together for four years but last year I found out that he had spent the whole relationship sexting other women, and met up with four women and kissed them.

I wanted to break up but we agreed I'd stay a year, with him declaring love and remorse etc. He said the sexting because compulsive and obsessive for him, and was grateful that it had come to light. The year is almost up now, and he has stopped sexting others, but relapsed twice.

A few months ago I suggested counselling to discuss our options and talk better, but he's delayed and today has written me a very long negative letter saying he wants to end our relationship because the trust has gone (even though he was the one who broke it!!!). He says he doesn't want to live with or marry anyone. Wish he'd said that before he persuaded me to move in with him and we planned the baby. He does say he still loves me.

Previously he was married for 15 years (and had four kids that I help to look after, one lives with us).

I know I have to leave. But I worked so hard and stayed through all this trauma, built relationships with kids and we were building something stable and loyal.

It's like he can't face me anymore because I know he is capable of lying and cheating.

I'm so angry with him!! He wants to start afresh but I know he'll go right back to cheating and he'll muck up his and other women's lives. Help!!

He'll be cheating anyway, whether it is on you, or the next woman he forms a relationship with. He's told you, by letter, meaning a lot of thought and planning went into it, that he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Hence why all the cheating occured in the first place.

And he's mucking up your life....your sons life...so what if he continues to muck up his life!! And as for the other women...again, not your problem!

mangotracy

Tasden wrote: »

Sorry OP but he wants to break up. Whatever his reasons for wanting to end it are (whether its guilt/lack of trust, or just that the relationship has run its course) he has decided its over. Even if you think you can convince him not to end it right now, technically its over, he has decided that if he has written to you saying such. He had a second chance and he still "relapsed". And now he is telling you its over instead of trying to fix things so why should you even try to make him stay?

You didn't build something loyal and stable, he was cheating. That's not loyalty. You deserve true loyalty and respect from a partner.

Merkin wrote: »

This relationship is dead in the water so I'd cut my losses if I were you (and I use the term "losses" loosely, he doesn't sound like that much of a catch).

He has been relentlessly seeking the attention of other women throughout your relationship, he refuses to go for any relationship counselling and he has categorically told you that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. All his talk of loving you is completely empty given the way he has treated you throughout your relationship.

Start making arrangements to separate.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If someone tells you they want to finish with you then you keep your dignity and you let them finish with you. By the time people say it out loud they have already checked out of the relationship long before. It's not something they wake up one morning and say out of the blue.

THANK YOU to all of you for your replies. Makes me feel a bit less alone in it!

I have told him I'm leaving him, in a couple of weeks I'll go with my two boys back to the UK and start again. He did say that he didn't want me to leave, but logically he said he didn't think he was making me happy so that's why he thought it best to end it. It's like he doesn't want to be in the relationship but doesn't want to end it either. Either way, like Big Bag of Chips - I think he checked out of the relationship with me long ago.