Guilt associated with parenting?

Sligo1

So I'm not sure if this thread will get a lot of replies but I really hope it does... Even of not for anything more but to ease my conscience and that of others. But then perhaps I am the only one feeling this? Hopefully not...

So as the title suggests, does anyone feel guilty for the way they deal with different situations in the way they parent their toddler?

Basically I have an 18 month old and an 11 week old. There are lots of little minor situations and the way I deal with them that make me feel incredibly guilty! Of course we all want to be the perfect parents and I know a lot of the time this guilt seems ridiculous however I can not help feeling it! It's kinda crazy tbh.

I'll tell of a couple little situations. I was chatting to my friend yesterday and she recommended this crèche in dundrum town centre where You can put your toddler for 2 hours while you get your groceries etc done. It sounds fantastic! My fella hates shopping, hates dundrum, hates being pushed around shops in his pram when he could be running around. And will scream after about 30 min of shopping. which leads to me running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get things done. So this sounds like a great outlet for him while I can get my shopping done. However, problem is I was thinking of putting him in today but have now started feeling incredibly guilty for even thinking of it!! I know it's irrational! He's never ever been minded by anyone else except me, my husband or my mum. I just feel I should be able to cope without having to put him in. But I know the 2 hours peace would be great! Then I feel guilty for even thinking this!

My toddler has never ever been allowed tv. Not that I would condem parents who allow their babies to watch a bit of tele. It's just it's not for us. New baby comes along, and he now after 18months gets about 20mins of cartoons a day just so i can get sorted and breastfeed (exclusively breastfeeding)... Baby won't take bottle . I feel guilty for letting him watch tv.

I feel guilty when he's crying and inconsolable and i give him a little biscuit!

I realise there are different ways to deal with different situations and I can assure you many have been tried and tested. He is played with and walked everyday. He is read to every day. Has so many words and understands things like you would never believe! But I feel guilty for the smallest things.

So I was wondering does anyone else kinda feel like this when they are just trying to make ends meet? It's tough with a baby and a toddler. I know im doing a good job. But it'd be good to know I'm not the only one thinking these irrational thoughts! And trying to be the perfect parent when that is obviously an impossible task! Apologies for long post!

P.s. I've heard of guilt associated with not breastfeeding going back to work etc.. I think it's just terrible we should be feeling guilt when we are all trying to do the best we can by our kids.

addob

Hi Sligo,

I see your post has been up an hour and no replies. I just wanted to say I understand the guilt, the pressure and the want to do everything right.

You're not alone!
addob

Sweet_pea

I have terrible guilt that my son is growing up without his father, although I do know how stupid that is as it's the one thing I have no control over.

Otherwise, so far I am mostly parenting the way I want to.

I am working my way through that guilt because as you know it just a complete waste of time and energy.

Tombo2001

Parents feel guilty all the time, about not doing things right, about not doing enough. Show me a parent that thinks they are doing a really good job, and I will show you a smug git.

bp

Ah god I feeling guilty all the time - guilty for wishing I could take a walk in the evening but am stuck in because baba is sleeping, guilty that I day dreaming about the days of hassle free traveling/ nights out etc. and then I remember why and am happy but when you become a parent the old you doesn't just disappear

Don't get yourself down - and try that play place for maybe 20mins first - ease yourselves into it.

Also you are not super woman and a few cartoons a day won't do harm - esp if it keeps you and baby sane

RentDayBlues

I have a 22 month and a 4 month old, I feel guilty all the time: giving out to toddler, focusing on baby, focusing on toddler, it's never ending!

But I had 2 children as I didn't want my first to be an only child and I wanted another child, in the end all this guilt will be far out weighed by the joy they bring each other and us.

You are only one person looking after 2 babies, give yourself a break

Big Davey

I have some similar feelings sometimes. Wish I had more time and energy to play. Thinking I should be making more money for a better future etc etc etc I think it's normal for most parents.





QUOTE=Sligo1;90776196]So I'm not sure if this thread will get a lot of replies but I really hope it does... Even of not for anything more but to ease my conscience and that of others. But then perhaps I am the only one feeling this? Hopefully not...

So as the title suggests, does anyone feel guilty for the way they deal with different situations in the way they parent their toddler?

Basically I have an 18 month old and an 11 week old. There are lots of little minor situations and the way I deal with them that make me feel incredibly guilty! Of course we all want to be the perfect parents and I know a lot of the time this guilt seems ridiculous however I can not help feeling it! It's kinda crazy tbh.

I'll tell of a couple little situations. I was chatting to my friend yesterday and she recommended this crèche in dundrum town centre where You can put your toddler for 2 hours while you get your groceries etc done. It sounds fantastic! My fella hates shopping, hates dundrum, hates being pushed around shops in his pram when he could be running around. And will scream after about 30 min of shopping. which leads to me running around like a blue arsed fly trying to get things done. So this sounds like a great outlet for him while I can get my shopping done. However, problem is I was thinking of putting him in today but have now started feeling incredibly guilty for even thinking of it!! I know it's irrational! He's never ever been minded by anyone else except me, my husband or my mum. I just feel I should be able to cope without having to put him in. But I know the 2 hours peace would be great! Then I feel guilty for even thinking this!

My toddler has never ever been allowed tv. Not that I would condem parents who allow their babies to watch a bit of tele. It's just it's not for us. New baby comes along, and he now after 18months gets about 20mins of cartoons a day just so i can get sorted and breastfeed (exclusively breastfeeding)... Baby won't take bottle . I feel guilty for letting him watch tv.

I feel guilty when he's crying and inconsolable and i give him a little biscuit!

I realise there are different ways to deal with different situations and I can assure you many have been tried and tested. He is played with and walked everyday. He is read to every day. Has so many words and understands things like you would never believe! But I feel guilty for the smallest things.

So I was wondering does anyone else kinda feel like this when they are just trying to make ends meet? It's tough with a baby and a toddler. I know im doing a good job. But it'd be good to know I'm not the only one thinking these irrational thoughts! And trying to be the perfect parent when that is obviously an impossible task! Apologies for long post!

P.s. I've heard of guilt associated with not breastfeeding going back to work etc.. I think it's just terrible we should be feeling guilt when we are all trying to do the best we can by our kids.[/QUOTE]

KKkitty

Sweet_pea wrote: »

I have terrible guilt that my son is growing up without his father, although I do know how stupid that is as it's the one thing I have no control over.

Otherwise, so far I am mostly parenting the way I want to.

I am working my way through that guilt because as you know it just a complete waste of time and energy.

I can empathise with this. My oldest's real dad did a runner. When I met my now fiance he wanted my oldest to call him dad so he'd have a mam and dad in his life. The guilt comes when I think of the day my oldest will be told the truth and how it may upset him. It's not an ideal situation at all. Some days I wish my fiance was his real dad so there'd be no guilty secrets.

pwurple

Yes, guilty sometimes.

Guilty for leaving my eldest to her own devices while I mind the baby. Especially when she comes back to me with a massive bump on her head from falling out of a tree she tried to climb. But I try to tell myself that a bit of freedom is what they need too. Can't have mammy standing over them all the time.

I think that sense of guilt leads to jealousy too... So I try to talk myself around it so I don't become bitter and twisted! I've guilt from not being able to figure out the breastfeeding, and am jealous of those who can do it. Guilty for having to go back to work soon, and jealous of those who get paid mat leave. You can't keep looking at other people's situations though, just have to do the best you can with what you have.

Tombo2001

KKkitty wrote: »

I can empathise with this. My oldest's real dad did a runner. When I met my now fiance he wanted my oldest to call him dad so he'd have a mam and dad in his life. The guilt comes when I think of the day my oldest will be told the truth and how it may upset him. It's not an ideal situation at all. Some days I wish my fiance was his real dad so there'd be no guilty secrets.

As a matter of interest, and sorry if this is prying, feel free not to answer....

but when he did a runner, do you mean he left the country, or is he still knocking around but you never see him.....?

As regards guilt in this situation.......there are certain things that you cant explain to a four year old, and that is probably one of them; I really wouldnt feel guilty about it, it won't be easy when you tell your child, but that doesnt mean you did the wrong thing.

KKkitty

Tombo2001 wrote: »

As a matter of interest, and sorry if this is prying, feel free not to answer....

but when he did a runner, do you mean he left the country, or is he still knocking around but you never see him.....?

As regards guilt in this situation.......there are certain things that you cant explain to a four year old, and that is probably one of them; I really wouldnt feel guilty about it, it won't be easy when you tell your child, but that doesnt mean you did the wrong thing.

Basically when I told him I was pregnant he wanted me to either have an abortion or to lose my baby. I have no idea where he is now and if I'm honest I never want to see him again.

Suucee

Oh boy as Sligo and pwurple already know I feel so guilty all the time.

Guilty that I need to stick on tv in the morning for toddler to get things done while baba sleeps.
Guilty that I haven't as much energy to spend with toddler as I used to before I was pregnant.
guilty that I need to bring her to play centres so I can have some adult company and she gets to play (it should be me playing with her)
guilty that new baba (10 weeks) doesn't get half as much attention that his sister used to when she was a baby.
Guilty when im having a cuddle with toddler and baba is looking and vice versa.
Guilty that baba has developed a flat head.
guilty that for a few weeks I resented my baba after the birth. (I had bad spd when pregnant so couldn't do much with toddler. stitches burst after having him and basically my down there was a bit of a disaster, spd still hasn't gone and I still need physio)
Guilty that I sometimes take baba in to bed when he wakes very early then toddler comes in to see him in the bed (this actually brakes my heart)
Guilty when my toddler pushes me over the edge and I shout at her which then makes her cry.( this only happened the other day and only happened once but I actually cried myself then)
Guilty that as I am giving up work they wont get as much as kids with 2 working parents.
Guilty when im too tired to cook and she gets some processed food.
Guilty EVERY time she falls.


I think ill stop there but yep nearly every decision I make I feel guilty about.
But then I think. My kids have 2 parents who adore them . They have food in their bellies so what if its formula or the odd fish finger or chicken nugget. They have clothes on their backs, who cares if it was bought in pennys . they are warm in their beds. They smile and laugh. They get a story every night before bed and maybe a few during the day. they get out for a walk most days. they get to go swimming, hiking and running around after their 4 dogs (well toddler does). Mammy will get over the guilt.

Mammy will get over the guilt. They will forget.

Suucee

Just re reading above and the whole "2 parents" was not meant to mean that 2 is better than 1. I really admire single parents and actually don't know how ye do it.

Im blabbering now but thought that sounded a bit mean when I re read that .

Hope you don't take it up the wrong way guys.

:-)

nikpmup

I think guilt is the default setting for parents. I work long shifts; last friday morning I dropped him off at my mam's at 7.30am. I got home at 9.30pm, my OH had picked him up and put him to bed. When I got up on saturday morning (OH had got up with him) he saw me and started this half cry, half laugh and seemed upset. I realised that he hadn't seen me for over 24 hours. Broke my heart.

Sligo, re the creche in Dundrum - given the choice between shopping that he hates and playing around in a fun playcentre, which do you think he'd prefer?! Don't feel guilty over that one!

Sligo1

Thanks for all the replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Sweet pea and Kkitty, I hope ye are ok. Your worries make mine feel so insignificant! But I spose each are different in their own context.

Nikpmup and Bp, thanks. I put him in for an hour today. So got the groceries done. I spose the guilt comes from the fact that I have taken time off work to mind my babies... So I think the thought the thought of putting LO in crèche for an hour just seems like I'm being lazy.... So I feel guilty... Even when I know he'd prefer to be running around! As I said... I know it's kinda irrational.

Suucee you have pretty much said exactly how I feel minus the SPD!

Hannibal Smith

You're not alone sligo...and it is everlasting. ..best you can do is accept you're making the right choices for your family and and next time you're feeling guilty. ..have a look at their happy little chops!!!

forgotten password

i mostly am confident i'm a good father,

however my daughter lives 1800 miles away and i see her circa twelve times a year

tbh i feel it's going well but there are days when i can't look at photos of her because i know i'm not there,

to my relief i'll see her next week

KKkitty

I was lucky that I had my family there for me when I found out I was pregnant and my mother made me move home too. It could have been worse for me.

forgotten password

KKkitty wrote: »

I was lucky that I had my family there for me when I found out I was pregnant and my mother made me move home too. It could have been worse for me.

i am of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a child,

dublinlady

There's guilt about what u feed them, how you entertain them, when you stop bottles, toilet train them, move them out of cot, what she they start school, return to work or not etc etc etc
I have the same age gap - 15 months - and only now and 2&1/4 and 1year is it getting easier to entertain them as the 1 year olds interests have developed in line with her older sisters - but they love each other or hate each other every five seconds and I still can't decide if it was best to have them so close together or if it would have been easier for everyone with a bigger age gap! I think tho it gets easier every few weeks now tho! I do seen to spend my time feeling guilty bout not hugging one child when I'm hugging the other etc! So now they just both sit on me and fight it out!

eviltwin

I don't feel guilty, I know I do the best I can and I set the bar quite low for myself. I don't need to be superwoman. We can be our own worst enemies judging ourselves in a way we would never judge anyone else and for what? You'll look back and think why did I waste so much time feeling guilty when I could have been enjoying it?

Flippyfloppy

I have the same guilt over dundrum crèche! I can't bring myself to do it!!! And guilt about all the other things!

DG Leixlip

You are DEFINITELY not alone Sligo! The guilt thing is always there!!!

emer_b

I'm due my second baby soon and my first will be 23 months when he/she arrives. I'm planning on keeping my toddlers full time child care (9am to 3pm) place for at least the first 3 months of my maternity leave, then I'll cut it back to 3 days.
This decision is absolutely killing me with guilt.
She adores the crèche, is a complete live wire, no interest in tv, just loves other kids to play with. Also if the new baby is anything like she was, I'm going to be shattered for first few months. I just don't know how I would cope with the 2 of them. Plan to exclusively breastfeed again so literally have to sleep when the baby sleeps.
I know in my heart that this is the right decision for our family but I feel incredibly guilty about it.

Chara1001

Parenting and guilt go hand in hand!

I used to feel guilty about EVERYTHING!
Like:
I couldn't breastfeed, I didn't have a pram for him till after he was born so couldn't take him for walks, I had not intended to stay in ireland after the birth so he had no nursery, when he woke for feeds i didn't always jump out of bed immediately... this was the newborn guilt.
As he got older, i felt guilty about was I playing with him enough, the type of food i was giving him, i couldn't always give him home cooked dinners, i often need to work from home at night, so i've engineered his sleeping habits to suit my hours. He has tried crisps, chocolate, ice cream & sweets (sometimes together). I have allowed him the ipad to watch Thomas the Tank Engine while I get our stuff ready to go out. If he does a loud burp we both laugh and then I wonder if i'm setting the precedent for bad behavior.... i could go on forever but the main thing was (and still is) guilt of raising him alone and all that entails. Trying to make sure his dad can see him when he wants (he lives abroad), to ensure the most peaceful relationship with his dad that I can etc...

And then there's the things like going to work (part time)- I cried the first time i left him with the childminder. The guilt...

But i guess it depends on how you think about it..

I realized that I could easily cripple myself with guilt. Luckily (and with the help of other people pointing these things out) i stopped feeling guilty about a lot of things- i might let him eat a biscuit, but he still loves fruit and broccoli more (hope that lasts a good while), I feel great about the home cooked dinners, but not guilty at all about the fishfingers in the freezer anymore. I take him to toddler cafes and he loves it there- and so do I!
I didn't feel guilty about giving him the Ipad because I was in a massive hurry- but i would have felt guilty if i shouted at him, so i will definitely do this again, I felt great at leaving him in the creche in dundrum because i know he would have been miserable shopping with me (and I felt so guilty about that before) - and he had a great time! Like you Sligo1, my fella HATES Dundrum.
He loves the childminder and her kids (around the same age) and he's got a little gang now, so that guilt has gone. I've tried to stop bursting out laughing when he burps but I can't.

A lot of people here have a toddler AND a baby, I've got the one tot so i'm trying to multiply the work and the guilt by two, and i can't!
My guilt has turned from being about the present to guilt and worry about the future- and the thought is making me knackered!

KKkitty

forgotten password wrote: »

i am of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a child,

You can sing that There was 10 kids in my family including me and while our dad was working to put food on the table and our mam was busy cleaning, cooking and doing everything else all us brothers and sisters looked after each other. Throw friends in the mix and the house was never empty.

Sligo1

Chara1001 wrote: »

Parenting and guilt go hand in hand!

I used to feel guilty about EVERYTHING!
Like:
I couldn't breastfeed, I didn't have a pram for him till after he was born so couldn't take him for walks, I had not intended to stay in ireland after the birth so he had no nursery, when he woke for feeds i didn't always jump out of bed immediately... this was the newborn guilt.
As he got older, i felt guilty about was I playing with him enough, the type of food i was giving him, i couldn't always give him home cooked dinners, i often need to work from home at night, so i've engineered his sleeping habits to suit my hours. He has tried crisps, chocolate, ice cream & sweets (sometimes together). I have allowed him the ipad to watch Thomas the Tank Engine while I get our stuff ready to go out. If he does a loud burp we both laugh and then I wonder if i'm setting the precedent for bad behavior.... i could go on forever but the main thing was (and still is) guilt of raising him alone and all that entails. Trying to make sure his dad can see him when he wants (he lives abroad), to ensure the most peaceful relationship with his dad that I can etc...

And then there's the things like going to work (part time)- I cried the first time i left him with the childminder. The guilt...

But i guess it depends on how you think about it..

I realized that I could easily cripple myself with guilt. Luckily (and with the help of other people pointing these things out) i stopped feeling guilty about a lot of things- i might let him eat a biscuit, but he still loves fruit and broccoli more (hope that lasts a good while), I feel great about the home cooked dinners, but not guilty at all about the fishfingers in the freezer anymore. I take him to toddler cafes and he loves it there- and so do I!
I didn't feel guilty about giving him the Ipad because I was in a massive hurry- but i would have felt guilty if i shouted at him, so i will definitely do this again, I felt great at leaving him in the creche in dundrum because i know he would have been miserable shopping with me (and I felt so guilty about that before) - and he had a great time! Like you Sligo1, my fella HATES Dundrum.
He loves the childminder and her kids (around the same age) and he's got a little gang now, so that guilt has gone. I've tried to stop bursting out laughing when he burps but I can't.

A lot of people here have a toddler AND a baby, I've got the one tot so i'm trying to multiply the work and the guilt by two, and i can't!
My guilt has turned from being about the present to guilt and worry about the future- and the thought is making me knackered!

Lol the burps!!

How Strange

emer_b our gap was more or less the same and I did the same; I kept the toddler in crèche fulltime initially. However, I felt so guilty about it and felt I had to justify myself when people asked if I was taking him out of crèche while on maternity leave. Once I found my feet and things settled down I took him out 2 days but I looked forward to those 3 days with just the baby. Now I'm back at work and I'm glad I left him in crèche as I got to spend a little one on one time with my daughter.

What about the guilt of realising in the morning that your little one is sick and your initial thought us 'damn, I'm going to have to ring into work again to take time off', then you look at your sick baba and you immediately think 'I'm such a terrible mother for thinking that'.

Or the first world type guilt that on your your first child you did baby swimming, yoga, god knows what and the second you did very little/nothing with them except put them in a buggy/baby carrier while you run around after the older one.

Sligo1

How Strange wrote: »

Or the first world type guilt that on your your first child you did baby swimming, yoga, god knows what and the second you did very little/nothing with them except put them in a buggy/baby carrier while you run around after the older one.

Yep the only time I seem to spend with my baby is when feeding her or changing her nappy! I'm running after 18 month old constantly. And when he takes his short nap I'm preparing his food! I haven't even really done tummy time with her if I'm honest! Luckily she's got good head control anyway.

As for my 18 month old... All I really did with him when he was a younger baby was go for walks. I feel guilty about not doing all that other stuff I could have. And when I got pregnant when he was 6 months... Well I was barely able to do anything with him! I feel terrible about those last 6 months i was pregnant and couldn't even go for walks with him or barely play with him.

How Strange

On the plus side you'll enjoy the second baby much more (does that make is feel guilty about not 'enjoying' it the first time around??)

We're so much more relaxed (except for this morning as no.2 was awake since 2.30am!) and we notice all the little things she's doing week by week without worrying what she should be doing. Also it's lovely when the two of them start interacting and you see them playing with/beside each other. It kind of assuages the guilt!

Sligo1

How Strange wrote: »

On the plus side you'll enjoy the second baby much more (does that make is feel guilty about not 'enjoying' it the first time around??)

Also it's lovely when the two of them start interacting and you see them playing with/beside each other. It kind of assuages the guilt!

Ha yes it does actually! Im finding it so much easier this time around and feel guilty for not feeling that with my first! It's all a learning curve tho isn't it.

I'm really looking forward to this next part!