Guilt associated with parenting?

Sligo1

Sligo1 wrote: »

So as the title suggests, does anyone feel guilty for the way they deal with different situations in the way they parent their toddler?

I do not think "guilt" is the right word. I constantly evaluate what I have done and why I did it - and whether it was the best thing I could have done at the time. And I feed back the results of those evaluations into future decisions on similar scenarios when they arise.

There is no perfect rule book on parenting. And there is no "right" way to resolve any situation - despite the number of people in this world who will tell you their suggestion is the "right" one.

The best you can do is keep trying - and keep evaluating and re-evauluating yourself and your methodologies in an ongoing fashion.

Your issue with the shopping is not something to feel guilty about. Nor would using a minder to help during that period. However it does sound like a situation that - were I in your shoes - I would been keen to resolve myself rather than use external help.

This can be done from many angles. The first one would be to evaluate why it takes so long to do the shopping and if there is a better way. I shop for a family of 4 and the idea of needing more than 30 minutes to do it is surprising to me. So I would look at evaluating why it takes so long and if there are any ways to streamline and improve that side of the process.

The second angle would be to look at why the experience is so painful for the child. I have never observed how you shop of course so I can not even begin to guess - but I have observed enough parents doing it in person - and on supernanny and three day nanny type shows on television - to know where some of the common areas for improvement lie. Usually they lie in finding ways to engage the child in the shopping experience itself - rather than seeing the child as one of the burdens of shopping that just have to be coped with.

I for example constantly engage my child in conversation during the experience. Talking about what I am buying - why - how it will be used - or asking the child if they can help me spot the next thing on the list - or holding the shopping list for me - or sending them off on little missions to collect things from shelves - and much more.

Of course all children are different and all shoppers are different. I do not mean to say that this is a situation that can be resolved and maybe it is just one that will never work for _you_ and in that case using a creche to assist you is entirely justifiable and nothing to be guilty about. I just mean that _I_ relish the challange of resolving such situations - where possible - on my own.

Sligo1

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I do not think "guilt" is the right word. I constantly evaluate what I have done and why I did it - and whether it was the best thing I could have done at the time. And I feed back the results of those evaluations into future decisions on similar scenarios when they arise.

There is no perfect rule book on parenting. And there is no "right" way to resolve any situation - despite the number of people in this world who will tell you their suggestion is the "right" one.

The best you can do is keep trying - and keep evaluating and re-evauluating yourself and your methodologies in an ongoing fashion.

Your issue with the shopping is not something to feel guilty about. Nor would using a minder to help during that period. However it does sound like a situation that - were I in your shoes - I would been keen to resolve myself rather than use external help.

This can be done from many angles. The first one would be to evaluate why it takes so long to do the shopping and if there is a better way. I shop for a family of 4 and the idea of needing more than 30 minutes to do it is surprising to me. So I would look at evaluating why it takes so long and if there are any ways to streamline and improve that side of the process.

The second angle would be to look at why the experience is so painful for the child. I have never observed how you shop of course so I can not even begin to guess - but I have observed enough parents doing it in person - and on supernanny and three day nanny type shows on television - to know where some of the common areas for improvement lie. Usually they lie in finding ways to engage the child in the shopping experience itself - rather than seeing the child as one of the burdens of shopping that just have to be coped with.

I for example constantly engage my child in conversation during the experience. Talking about what I am buying - why - how it will be used - or asking the child if they can help me spot the next thing on the list - or holding the shopping list for me - or sending them off on little missions to collect things from shelves - and much more.

Of course all children are different and all shoppers are different. I do not mean to say that this is a situation that can be resolved and maybe it is just one that will never work for _you_ and in that case using a creche to assist you is entirely justifiable and nothing to be guilty about. I just mean that _I_ relish the challange of resolving such situations - where possible - on my own.

I am constantly evaluating and re-evaluating what works and what doesn't work. Which toy to bring, how to interact with him, what snack to bring, what time to leave the house when I know they are in their best form, what activity will keep him happy the longest, what ways to interact with him.

As for the shopping. Well tbh that does only take me 30 min (we are a family of 4). I can't let him run around the shop as he is only 18 months and would run off or pull the shelves down! Lol. So he has to stay in his pram. I always engage with him during this time.

However, sometimes obviously there are other errand I have to run while we are out. Yesterday I needed to look at some cot beds and go to a few other shops that would take at least an hour. Also needed groceries (30min). Add an 11 week old who is currently going through a growth spurt and things are going to take longer. She started crying after 30min so I had to find a place to sit and feed her and wind her (which again could take another 20 min at least). My toddler just doesn't want to be sitting in his pram all this time. I don't think many 18 month old would. And this is what we have always done as I have always felt too guilty to seek any other help. I cant take him out of his pram as have a doinle buggy and baby to pish around aswell. You can't really reason with an 18month old either as I'm sure you know... Perhaps in another 6 months I will be able to?

But that's only really one situation which makes me feel guilty... The thought that it would be easier with external help...

Hannibal Smith

I was only having a conversation with another mum the other day...she felt guilty that she was keeping her kid in creche over the summer. ..and I felt guilty for taking mine out and putting them with a child minder lol

emer_b

How Strange wrote: »

emer_b our gap was more or less the same and I did the same; I kept the toddler in crèche fulltime initially. However, I felt so guilty about it and felt I had to justify myself when people asked if I was taking him out of crèche while on maternity leave. Once I found my feet and things settled down I took him out 2 days but I looked forward to those 3 days with just the baby. Now I'm back at work and I'm glad I left him in crèche as I got to spend a little one on one time with my daughter.

What about the guilt of realising in the morning that your little one is sick and your initial thought us 'damn, I'm going to have to ring into work again to take time off', then you look at your sick baba and you immediately think 'I'm such a terrible mother for thinking that'.

Or the first world type guilt that on your your first child you did baby swimming, yoga, god knows what and the second you did very little/nothing with them except put them in a buggy/baby carrier while you run around after the older one.

Thanks How Strange, I'm constantly asking other pregnant mums what they're doing with their toddlers while on maternity leave. Makes me feel good that I'm not the only one using childcare.

I keep thinking back to my mothers time when they all had lots of kids and no childcare, makes me feel weak for not believing I could cope with a toddler and a newborn.
At the same time I think our quality of life as a family will be so much better with childcare.

Mink

nikpmup wrote: »

I think guilt is the default setting for parents.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I have mammy guilt over all the stuff already mentioned. I've been making more of a conscious effort to stop myself and just be rational about so I'm not constantly worrying that I'm fecking up my kid.

The thing that gets me is the contradictory guilt

- feel guilty for letting him have dodie too much / feel guilty for taking it away.

- feel guilty for bringing him to play centres when it's sunny outside / feel guilty for having him own in park when could be mixing with other kids at play centre

**implosion**

Tombo2001

KKkitty wrote: »

Basically when I told him I was pregnant he wanted me to either have an abortion or to lose my baby. I have no idea where he is now and if I'm honest I never want to see him again.

Just cant get my head around it, why someone would do that. But I suppose you cant put yourself inside someone else's mind.

Tombo2001

My feelings on this thread are

"I am a parent, sometimes I feel really guilty.....am I the only one?" is a bit like "I am a teenage boy, I fancy Scarlett Johansson.....am I the only one?"

Sligo1

Tombo2001 wrote: »

My feelings on this thread are

"I am a parent, sometimes I feel really guilty.....am I the only one?" is a bit like "I am a teenage boy, I fancy Scarlett Johansson.....am I the only one?"

Lol. I spose I needed to reassure myself.... And to make myself feel a bit better ...

KKkitty

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Just cant get my head around it, why someone would do that. But I suppose you cant put yourself inside someone else's mind.

I think because the biological fathers out there that do a runner are not physically pregnant they have no emotional attachment to the baby.

Sweet_pea

KKkitty wrote: »

I think because the biological fathers out there that do a runner are not physically pregnant they have no emotional attachment to the baby.

Yeah, I think it's just easier for them to compartmentalize their life and put the baby (esp if they have never met them) in a box out of their thinking. I do actually understand that, what i dont understand is still saying I should'vehad an abortion when they boy is alive and well, it just being horrible for the sake of it.

I do wonder if they (parents who run away) ever feel guilt.

pwurple

Sligo1 wrote: »

But that's only really one situation which makes me feel guilty... The thought that it would be easier with external help...

The only reason that one is making you guilty, is because of the odd comment from busy bodies about a babies place being with their mummy. Babies do need a parent, but they also need everyone else! They need other children their own age, children older than them, smaller babies, other adults, family,friends etc. No man, woman or child is an island, we all live in communities, and becoming part of that means letting someone else look after the baby or toddler as well. Especially when it is playtime and fun for them as well. I firmly believe that too much isolation is as bad as letting them fend for themselves on the streets. The more different situations and people you can let them interact with safely, the more confident they become.

My creche guilt is long gone, my toddler pleads with me to let her go there more than the three mornings she is in while I am on mat leave, tells me she misses her friends all the time. She literally skips in the door.

And the maternity leave is also for you to recover from the pregnancy. That takes a lot out of us. I'm still fairly run down from it, trying to get back to myself.

Pawwed Rig

Tombo2001 wrote: »

Just cant get my head around it, why someone would do that. But I suppose you cant put yourself inside someone else's mind.

Well I suppose many women who aren't ready for a child have the abortion option should they choose it whereas the guy is powerless in the whole decision making process as to whether to have the child or not. I am sure KKkitty has no regrets in her decision:)

Not much guilt here really. We do our best for him. Sometimes he is frustrated and bored as it is raining outside so we can't go for our walk or has to goto a supermarket but otherwise he sleeps, wees and eats regularly so has nothing major to complain about :pac:. It is a learning experience for us all regardless if new parents or on your 8th.

inlikeflynn86

Suucee wrote: »

I think ill stop there but yep nearly every decision I make I feel guilty about.
But then I think. My kids have 2 parents who adore them . They have food in their bellies so what if its formula or the odd fish finger or chicken nugget. They have clothes on their backs, who cares if it was bought in pennys . they are warm in their beds. They smile and laugh. They get a story every night before bed and maybe a few during the day. they get out for a walk most days. they get to go swimming, hiking and running around after their 4 dogs (well toddler does). Mammy will get over the guilt.

Mammy will get over the guilt. They will forget.

Oh Succee, im crying here after reading your post. Everything you said your right. You are a great mum x

I have been feeling guilty the last 2 months and after reading your post it made me realise I have no reason to be. Im awaiting a hip replacement and it hasnt been great since i had my son 8 months ago.

I feel guilty that now hes moving and sitting, on the verge of crawling i cant sit on the ground and play with him.
I can only hold him for so long before i need to put him in his entertainer or playpen.
But he is so loved by myself and my partner and partner plays with him as much as he can and hes brought swimming. He has food and clothes and hes a real happy baby.

I know im doing my best so i need to cop on and stop feeling guilty!