Letting go

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 months and our relationship is going well, we are very much in love but there is one issue that is always lurking in the background.

About six months before we met, he was cheated on and dumped by his now ex girlfriend, which destroyed him. They were together for about a year and a half. As far as I'm aware, after they broke up there was no contact between them but the when we started going out, about a month into our relationship, she contacted him out of the blue about an issue related to her and ended up telling him she still loved him, but then after they met up, told him that she didn't want to get back with him. It turns out that he did still love her, which caused us to break up but we got back together a short while after. He now has her blocked off fb newsfeed and chat but she still has his number and has texted him a couple of times in the past few months.

My boyfriend is getting over her in time and he claims he isn't as affected by her as he used to be, but knowing that she has an emotional influence over him is unsettling for me. I am tolerating how things are at the moment and I think that perhaps he is holding onto the old her, the girl he was in love with, and that because she was such an important part of his life he has difficulty in fully cutting her out. He says he's not going to get back with her again and sees her as an evil b**ch.

I understand that he will always keep the girl she was in his heart, but I am afraid that by giving her the opportunity to stay in his life she could play with him again. Should he completely cut all contact to give them both a chance to let go and move on completely? Keep contact in the hopes that they could remain civil? Does keeping contact with a significant ex ever work out?

I myself am trying to stay friends with a guy I was casually seeing about a month before I got with my boyfriend, but even though it wasn't serious between us I find things awkward, for example he has invited me to a couple of parties and has asked me to visit him while he's working down the country, which I am extremely hesitant about and I am now trying to keep my distance from him. And if it's awkward between us, how would my boyfriend and his ex work out as just friends?!

shane9689

sounds like the guy youre keeping in touch with wants to have sex, pure and honest, why else would he invite you out to such strange places....to be "friends" when someone he was with casually?

your boyfriends case is abit different from that, he had something that sounds quite romantic....but sounds like his ex ****ed it up and he shouldnt really talk to her much anymore (as in once maybe every year or something).

BUT, you cant control him or tell him what to do, hell only resent you for it. but just give him some light advice if he asks for it.....also, im not sure why youre with him in the first place, sounds like hes in an emotionally unstable place and not ready to commit to you, but thats just my opinion from what youve told me.

His attention should be on you, youre the girlfriend after all, not the other girl.... wait things out a little while maybe, but if you dont see him turn a new leaf, its likely bad news...just my opinion, dont take it as gospel

Recondite49

shane9689 wrote: »

sounds like the guy youre keeping in touch with wants to have sex, pure and honest, why else would he invite you out to such strange places....to be "friends" when someone he was with casually?

your boyfriends case is abit different from that, he had something that sounds quite romantic....but sounds like his ex ****ed it up and he shouldnt really talk to her much anymore (as in once maybe every year or something).

BUT, you cant control him or tell him what to do, hell only resent you for it. but just give him some light advice if he asks for it.....also, im not sure why youre with him in the first place, sounds like hes in an emotionally unstable place and not ready to commit to you, but thats just my opinion from what youve told me.

His attention should be on you, youre the girlfriend after all, not the other girl.... wait things out a little while maybe, but if you dont see him turn a new leaf, its likely bad news...just my opinion, dont take it as gospel

I think Shane is absolutely right girl, clearly you're concerned and that's natural but you don't need to make any firm decisions now. Suggest you let events play out for now.

If your boyfriend is being truthful he'll ignore his ex even when she texts.

You're right in saying that it's possible to love the person someone was. It's also possible to miss having them around without wanting to resume your relationship. Time will tell.

Recondite49

shane9689 wrote: »

sounds like the guy youre keeping in touch with wants to have sex, pure and honest, why else would he invite you out to such strange places....to be "friends" when someone he was with casually?

your boyfriends case is abit different from that, he had something that sounds quite romantic....but sounds like his ex ****ed it up and he shouldnt really talk to her much anymore (as in once maybe every year or something).

BUT, you cant control him or tell him what to do, hell only resent you for it. but just give him some light advice if he asks for it.....also, im not sure why youre with him in the first place, sounds like hes in an emotionally unstable place and not ready to commit to you, but thats just my opinion from what youve told me.

His attention should be on you, youre the girlfriend after all, not the other girl.... wait things out a little while maybe, but if you dont see him turn a new leaf, its likely bad news...just my opinion, dont take it as gospel

I think Shane is absolutely right girl, clearly you're concerned and that's natural but you don't need to make any firm decisions now. Suggest you let events play out for now.

If your boyfriend is being truthful he'll ignore his ex even when she texts.

You're right in saying that it's possible to love the person someone was. It's also possible to miss having them around without wanting to resume your relationship. Time will tell.

Recondite49

shane9689 wrote: »

sounds like the guy youre keeping in touch with wants to have sex, pure and honest, why else would he invite you out to such strange places....to be "friends" when someone he was with casually?

your boyfriends case is abit different from that, he had something that sounds quite romantic....but sounds like his ex ****ed it up and he shouldnt really talk to her much anymore (as in once maybe every year or something).

BUT, you cant control him or tell him what to do, hell only resent you for it. but just give him some light advice if he asks for it.....also, im not sure why youre with him in the first place, sounds like hes in an emotionally unstable place and not ready to commit to you, but thats just my opinion from what youve told me.

His attention should be on you, youre the girlfriend after all, not the other girl.... wait things out a little while maybe, but if you dont see him turn a new leaf, its likely bad news...just my opinion, dont take it as gospel

I think Shane is absolutely right girl, clearly you're concerned and that's natural but you don't need to make any firm decisions now. Suggest you let events play out for now.

If your boyfriend is being truthful he'll ignore his ex even when she texts.

You're right in saying that it's possible to love the person someone was. It's also possible to miss having them around without wanting to resume your relationship. Time will tell.

CaraMay

I don't understand why you took him back knowing he was still in love with her?!?!? That's never going to end well even if he isn't in contact with her.

Penny Tration

Tbh, and I'm sorry if I sound blunt, you're in contact with an ex that wants you to visit him, so how can you complain about your boyfriend being in contact with his ex? You're as bad as each other in that regard.

It sounds to me as though neither of you have ebenough respect for each other to ignore the exes and focus on the relationship you have with each other.

Alf. A. Male

There's four of you acting the maggot here. Your boyfriend's ex is trying to work her way back in just enough to string him along, he's facilitating her and also treating you shabbily by giving her cause to keep coming back, you're trying to stay friends with an ex, your ex is chancing his arm in spite of presumably knowing you're in a relationship and if he doesn't know you're in a relationship you're selling the relationship short by not telling him, which would also suggest you have no confidence in the relationship.

I think at this stage you'd be well entitled to tell your boyfriend that his continued contact with his ex is problematic for you and the relationship. Once you've told him, you may have a choice to make depending on his reaction. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Whatever you do though, take the beam out of your own eye first.

LegacyUser

OP here.
I do realise that I am being a hypocrite for staying in contact with my ex, and looking back since we ended things his behaviour has been less than appropriate, he became furious and jealous when he found out I had started going out with my boyfriend and since then it's as if he has been trying to get me back, when he was the one who dumped me. It is making myself and my boyfriend uncomfortable at this stage, and I will cut contact if he does anything inappropriate again. In a way I am hoping that the situation with my ex will allow my boyfriend to see that it's best to cut contact with his ex before she has the chance to try anything again.

shane9689

Yeah, your ex is just chancing his arm the same as his ex is.
"before she has the chance to try anything again" .....It has noting to do with her trying anything, it never has! people will flirt and hit on your boyfriend for the rest of yer time together, including his ex....same will happen to you. Its about trusting your boyfriend...it doesnt matter what she tries, aslong as your boyfriend is a loyal boyfriend it never matters......but a loyal boyfriend generally doesnt stay too close to their ex because they usually know what it means aswell, hes hardly an idiot. Just let him now how you feel and leave it at that. theres nothing else you can do...
Just as long as you realise its not his ex that is the root of the problem, but your boyfriend himself, its up to him to decide what he does.

Also, youre making a very typical "Girl" mistake by assuming he will pick up some sort of hint by you cutting off contact with your ex...he wont, trust me, you need to talk openly with him and tell him how you feel, but dont tell him what do, just how you feel (without being pushy). Otherwise nothing might change and youll get frustrated and end up arguing with him and he wont know why

Penny Tration

girlfriend_ wrote: »

OP here.
I do realise that I am being a hypocrite for staying in contact with my ex, and looking back since we ended things his behaviour has been less than appropriate, he became furious and jealous when he found out I had started going out with my boyfriend and since then it's as if he has been trying to get me back, when he was the one who dumped me. It is making myself and my boyfriend uncomfortable at this stage, and I will cut contact if he does anything inappropriate again. In a way I am hoping that the situation with my ex will allow my boyfriend to see that it's best to cut contact with his ex before she has the chance to try anything again.

So both of you are talking to people determined to get you back, and neither of you have cut contact?

Sorry, but it sounds as though neither of you are mature enough for a relationship if you're happy to mess each other around so much.