Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

871Mars

Hi guys,

I went to see a counsellor last month for a couple of sessions but was going through a bad patch the week I was due to go to my third appointment. I was finding it very hard to function and couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. I was off work due to a work related accident so nothing was really making me get out of bed, if that makes sense. Needless to say, I ended up not going to my appointment and now I can't bring myself to go back. This doesn't really bother me because I don't think I was gaining anything from these appointments anyway. I felt like I was listening but not connecting to what she was saying. I had never spoken to anyone about how I was feeling before but as my sister was getting worried that I was going to do something to myself I promised her that I would.

The problem is I feel that I am getting worse. I've changed shifts at work and only do four days a week now so I mostly find myself moping around the house or staying in bed until it's nearly dark and then staying up really late. I share a house with three others and I just can't bear to be around them. Every time they make a noise or talk to each other or me I cringe internally and I can feel rage building up inside me. I just want peace and quiet and to be left alone.

My doctor prescribed Lexapro for me around 18 months ago but I gave up about four months into it. That's a common theme with me though. If I ever need antibiotics I take them for a while and then just stop for no reason. I was suffering with gallbladder issues for nearly seven years and not until it became unbearable did I do anything about it. I was on and off my gallbladder medication throughout this seven year period even though I was supposed to take it continuously.

I am really shy and don't like drawing attention to myself. I am very self conscious and don't like the thought of coming across as stupid. I also feel that people are judging me when I try to express myself vocally. I get tongue tied and confused and then I just stop talking, wishing that I could just disappear. I also have really sensitive hearing and speak in a lower tone as I feel like I shouting otherwise. No matter how much I decide that I will go into my doctor and tell her in a confident manner how I'm feeling I end up just sitting there with her having to coax the problem out of me. And then if I finally manage to say something and she doesn't catch it because I'm speaking lowly, I can't bring myself to repeat it.

It's my birthday next week and it's got me thinking. I know that I can't continue with the way I've been, especially since I seem to be getting worse. The main problem is myself and no matter how much that I logically understand that, I can't seem to overcome it. I'm contemplating going back to my doctor and asking her to put me back on the medication but how do I get passed my own worst enemy, myself? I feel like I'm trapped inside myself, screaming at myself to get a grip and to sort my life out. But then there's another part of me that hears this and just shrugs and goes back to doing what I've always done and that's ignore it and hope that some day that I' ll magically snap out of it.

Sorry for the rambling. Hope it makes sense.

Under_Graduate

mg1982 wrote: »

I have had chronic fatigue for years now, im beginning to think its a physical problem now and not related to my mood. Any exercise at all and im in bits. The anti depressants dont do anything at all for it either.

Can you hold down a job?
Do you live by yourself?

I can say the same for the medication - except for olanzapine which helps me relax at night, but no effect in terms of energy (though I've only been on prozac).

Gremlinertia

871Mars, honestly thought I was in a time warp for a second.. You sound very like me starting out on my battle with my demons, as I see it..
So, regarding counsellors, don't settle with the first one you meet, I did and ended up pretty much daring her to get me to talk.. Eventually I researched other local options.
With medication, one I think you should see your gp again, write a list if you think won't talk audibly. Two, I bought a pill dispenser thing. Load it once a week, leave it beside my water on nightstand, keeps me taking them on a regular basis. Otherwise I often wouldn't get out of bed to get them, making things worse.

Hope this helps, feel free to ask more anytime.

Throwaway3754

+1 on writing things down to give to your doctor if you struggle to tell them! It was a tip given to me on here and it really helps.
Also it's really good to keep track of how you've been feeling and so you don't get flustered in the doctor's office trying to remember everything

stinkle

heyday30 wrote: »

Hi stinkle. I haven't seen ur name pop up in a while. Hope you getting on ok.

I think it's the general consensus today has been Sh1te.
Im hoping it's short lived.

Hiya, hope you're doing well! I read the thread as much as i can but being a few time zones away means ive not been contributing much. Today was a pain for many of us, hope everyone's ok.

Things did get better today thankfully. The dread wore off as the day progressed. Plan to get an early night tonight. Intended to take some xanax which ive not needed for months, but am ok without right now. would have taken some in work only it sends me to sleep even at low dose.

Ive just thought of something...am fairly unmotivated when I get bad and am at home BUT can do stuff that's repetitive and I cant mess up. Like laundry. Or washing up. Or even cooking for myself cos Im not fussy. But anything that requires thought and real effort just leaves me cold.

871Mars a lot of your post is so similar to my own story recently. Hopefully writing stuff down will help, and dont worry about missing appointments. You wont be the first or the last there. If you really dont want to go back then maybe a different counsellor could help, there's no rule that says you need to stick with the first one you meet.

Gremlinertia

I've been keeping the fear at bay most of the night now but I've slipped now. Therapy in three hours and am a bit terrified again.

stinkle

What has you terrified G?

Gremlinertia

My appointment, or more accurately fear of the unknown.

stinkle

Can you at least look forward to when its over? Therapy is a tough slog IME, even when its going well can be upsetting

Gremlinertia

I'll be ok I just can't breath and have a tight chest, light headed etc.

carzony

First morning in a while im having real difficulties. Kinda hard to breath and defo a bit of panic..... feck sake

mg1982

Under_Graduate wrote: »

Can you hold down a job?
Do you live by yourself?

I can say the same for the medication - except for olanzapine which helps me relax at night, but no effect in terms of energy (though I've only been on prozac).

Im only able to work part time as being around people for 40hrs a week is not an option for me and the tiredness doesnt help either. I live at home with satan, otherwise known as my mother. I have tried 5 anti depressants but none have helped with the fatigue.

stinkle

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I'll be ok I just can't breath and have a tight chest, light headed etc.

Hope it went ok in the end.

Seem to have some kind of upset stomach today. Not sure should I call in sick or not - am kinda torn between "go in and see how you feel, can always leave if its bad" vs not sure can I make it down the road without getting sick. Initially put it down to anxiety feeling in stomach but it's not that. At least it might explain why ive been bad the last few days. Was supposed to go in early, that didnt happen obv.

Am actually beginning to get anxious about calling in sick. Grrr!!! Ok feel a small bit better, will walk in slowly and go from there. blehhhhhhhhhhh

Whizzzy

Had a bad end to last week.

Started with a dire migraine on Wednesday night. Felt sick on Thursday and Friday.

As usual, went cold turkey (or think I went cold turkey) on my 1000mg of Epilim. So, felt like putting my head in an over for most of the weekend.

Only starting to re-balance now. Last night was first decent night's sleep in five. And I didn't have to take a sleeping pill.

Based on past experience, I'll return to a normal sleep cycle now.

Am definitely giving up alcohol this time - totally. Went way over weekend before last. Felt high as a kite leading to the migraine on Wednesday.

I've probably asked this before, but, if you go cold turkey on Epilim (if you totally undermine it/overstretch it, in some way) can you experience bi-polar type symptoms? (I take the Epilim for epilepsy.)

I go from feeling great, to feeling I want to have a big boo-hoo and, at worst, top myself - though I know I wouldn't have the cojones.

Thanks.

D.

Euphoria Intensifies

Having an eating disorder is f*cking sh*t.

Gremlinertia

Made it through today, have another bunch of pulled muscles though.. Hope that doesn't keep happening.

heyday30

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Made it through today, have another bunch of pulled muscles though.. Hope that doesn't keep happening.

Can you have a bath Gremlinertia?
Find a hot bath good to relax the muscles.
I put a handful of Epsom salts and a few drops of lavender in the water.

it's great.

Gremlinertia

I'd love to and thanks heyday for suggestion however I'm working and at dbt course right through til about one tomorrow..

Gongoozler

I'm worn out.
Everything is a thing. Everything is something I'm doing wrong. This is the type of time that I think, what's the point. What am I even bothering to aim for anymore. I hate that this is the person that I am. I ruin everything for myself. I don't know right from wrong anymore. I'm so ****ing tired of being like this. I actually hate myself. There's just too many things. And I'm tired of trying to fix it all.

greenfrogs

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'm worn out.
Everything is a thing. Everything is something I'm doing wrong. This is the type of time that I think, what's the point. What am I even bothering to aim for anymore. I hate that this is the person that I am. I ruin everything for myself. I don't know right from wrong anymore. I'm so ****ing tired of being like this. I actually hate myself. There's just too many things. And I'm tired of trying to fix it all.

I get that. Today I was like whats the point in trying to get better. I can't cope with what I am being told is wrong with me. First it was depression then borderline personality traits and now social anxiety. I hate the person I am. I hate the people who have abandoned me.

Gremlinertia how are you finding the dbt? Is it group or individual therapy or a mixture of both?

Gremlinertia

Gongoozler - I hear ya.. I'm exhausted, sometimes it's bloody easier stay in the rut. Trying to vary/improve anything is difficult and draining.. Changing outlook seems like a sheer wall.. I have some faith in being able to change my habits with some guidance but I sure as hell do it on my own. What about you, are you getting any support?

Gremlinertia

Greenfrogs - I'm only just starting out yet. It's a mix of group and one to one support. It's terrifying but I can already see promise in it.. It's definitely very person-centric so it's very much about me sticking with and working at it.. I'm worried I won't when it gets tough. Determined but terrified would be about the measure of me right now.

Gongoozler

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Gongoozler - I hear ya.. I'm exhausted, sometimes it's bloody easier stay in the rut. Trying to vary/improve anything is difficult and draining.. Changing outlook seems like a sheer wall.. I have some faith in being able to change my habits with some guidance but I sure as hell do it on my own. What about you, are you getting any support?

Yes, staying in the rut seems comfortable at this point. At least I feel its only temporary. I think I'm generally doing fine, just that its my hormones messing with me.
I wouldn't say I'm getting no support, but definitely feeling by myself the majority of the time. I'm sure my boyfriend is trying to be understanding, but everything still feels like a dig. I shouldn't need anything though.

Gremlinertia

Have you ever discussed this with a gp or a pharmacist?. Sometimes just chatting may alleviate any worries it's causing you.

Gongoozler

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Have you ever discussed this with a gp or a pharmacist?. Sometimes just chatting may alleviate any worries it's causing you.

Discussed what?

Gremlinertia

Well, just rereading your posts and the one at 21.02 seems like something you could straight out say to a doctor.. If you feel like that on a fairly ongoing and frequent basis it could warrant examination imo.

Gongoozler

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Well, just rereading your posts and the one at 21.02 seems like something you could straight out say to a doctor.. If you feel like that on a fairly ongoing and frequent basis it could warrant examination imo.

Oh right.
I get that that's the line anyone will say, but no. I'm done with drugs (which, lets face it, is the only solution a doctor will offer) and just finishing up my (i've lost count) most recent counselling attempt, with Pieta. I am doing better than before. I think. As I say, probably just the hormones. I'm doing my best to ignore it, and keep in mind that it's temporary. But temporary shouldn't be days at a time. It's hard going.

Gremlinertia

Pity you're having such a struggle with assistance, well there will always be a few around on this thread I guess. I've just started dbt, having tried all other approaches barring hypnosis and electro shock I'm investing a good bit into this..

Gongoozler

I've been meaning to look up this dbt.
You could try hypnotherapy. Tried it years ago, but didn't feel comfortable with the guy doing it so it didn't work out. Though I have a feeling it wouldn't work for me anyway. Is it one therapy at a time, or have you just not got round to it?

greenfrogs

Is shock therapy regularly carried out or is it a last resort. I was fed up with myself last week desperately looking for a way to feel better. I googled shock therapy but wiki quickly turned me off the idea.