Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

mg1982

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Anyone else get hard hitting realisations at times like "Jesus, this is my life!"?

I try to block those thoughts out Hugo. Too scary to even think about.

Gremlinertia

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Anyone else get hard hitting realisations at times like "Jesus, this is my life!"?

I do all the time and they used to pull me down a lot and still do sometimes. However my success rate at remaining here has been 100% so far which is corny as hell but when I'm not feeling to cynical I take a little bit of strength from it..

mg1982

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I do all the time and they used to pull me down a lot and still do sometimes. However my success rate at remaining here has been 100% so far which is corny as hell but when I'm not feeling to cynical I take a little bit of strength from it..

We are all survivors on here grem. We should say to ourselves, well done on making it this far despite what life has thrown at you.

scrimshanker

greenfrogs wrote: »

Yah I get you on the birdsong. I also hate the sounds of dogs barking. I struggle to fall asleep until around 3am these days. Are you having trouble falling asleep or waking repeatedly through the night?

Trouble with both tbh. Got asleep around 2, woke at around 4:30

Exams in a few weeks, starting to think of withdrawing.

Hugo Stiglitz

mg1982 wrote: »

I try to block those thoughts out Hugo. Too scary to even think about.

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I do all the time and they used to pull me down a lot and still do sometimes. However my success rate at remaining here has been 100% so far which is corny as hell but when I'm not feeling to cynical I take a little bit of strength from it..

Sometimes such thoughts grip hold of me and they're very hard to kick off. It can happen when I'm anxious or when my mood drops or when my mind is otherwise acting up. Sometimes it happens even when I'm doing ok, as if it is a fear of something happening in the near future, almost that it's a futile existence as it seems to be doomed.

Hugo Stiglitz

scrimshanker wrote: »

Exams in a few weeks, starting to think of withdrawing.

*hugs*

As tough as it is, withdrawing will be much worse in the long run.

greenfrogs

scrimshanker wrote: »

Trouble with both tbh. Got asleep around 2, woke at around 4:30

Exams in a few weeks, starting to think of withdrawing.

I remember in college thinking I would defer my exams in second year. I spent some days crying and did no studying. In the end I got a 1.1 in my exams. I went on to quit the course after my exams. But at least I can put these results on my cv. Do you honestly think you can do better in your exams if you defer them? You still have a few weeks left to study. Take every day as it comes. Even a couple hours of study is better than none.

I think you should definitely go see your doctor re the not sleeping. It is very hard to have the energy to do anything with so little sleep.

scrimshanker

sorry

Guys I don't know what to do. Some Saturday night.

Gremlinertia

Having a pretty sh1t one myself.. Trying to remain chatty but getting angrier. If the doc gave you higher of that one and it's not happening it may be time to change type.. We're all in the game of survival here and fcuk me it's hard sometimes but we'll manage..

greenfrogs

scrimshanker wrote: »

Sometimes I wonder if I can make it through another day. I can't go back to my doctor. He put me on a higher dose and I failed to get better. Sometimes I just come crashing down and nobody is talking to me. Today I'm fairly certain I made a big mistake and a friend of mine has disappeared and it's my fault because of what I said, but now that's all over and I've very little left. I have to stick around for two reasons, the first is that I can't bear the thought of the guilt of what it would do to my family if I ended matters, and the second is because I'm not strong enough to end matters. I don't know what I can do at this stage. I feel like surrendering myself to the world, but the world keeps going and everyone just keeps expecting me to come along with it and even though I can't I get dragged along. Sometimes I wish I had something incurable that will kill me swiftly and soon. Maybe tomorrow I'll fall in front of a train, by accident, by pure and absolute accident and it'll all just be desperately sad. But it's more likely that I'll have to keep going. It's possible that I am going to die too young, but if that comes to be it won't be a happy death, it'll be protracted, painful and there will be no dignity or privacy. The future terrifies me. Absolutely shakes me to my core. And I keep making life worse for people around me. I wish I could go back to when I was I think about 16 or 17. A random stranger talked me out of killing myself/running away. I wish I'd put on a happy face, I wish that person didn't notice. I wish I never created expectations, and if I do anything, if I don't amount to anything, so many people will say "see, I knew she'd fail, I told her so" and here I am failing.

Guys I don't know what to do. Some Saturday night.

You have used the word fail a lot in your post. I use that word often too. I see myself as a failure. I read somewhere that the world is very goal oriented nowadays. We measure our value on what we have achieved. However it doesn't have to be that way. If I look at my life I see so much failure. But it's about the journey not the end goal. I have been fired, dumped, lonely, a college dropout, bullied and so much more throughout my life. But I am also strong because I have been through much at an early age. I try to focus on what I learned even though my past experiences have scarred and hurt me.

I think I may be in the middle of my journey through this illness. I have thought all the things you have. I have wished the car would crash and I have wished that I was never born because I have caused my family so much pain. Now I want to live. In fact the thought of death terrifies me. I still have a long road to go but I will get there. So you will get there too.

My doctor upped my dose as well. Go to your doctor. They are there to help you. Every single person is different so what works for one person may not work for the next. There are so many different treatments available so it may take time to find the one that suits you. If you want change your doctor. Your health is so important. Could you talk to your parents or a sibling about how you feel.

scrimshanker

Grem, sorry to hear you're having a bad one. Thinking of you.

greenfrogs, sorry I can't reply, something about storage limits. Anyway I was second guessing myself and then worried I would start someone else on a downward spiral which is why I edited it so I dunno. I don't personally mind it being there. Thanks for your post. I guess I'll have to go back, I need a new prescription soon anyway. Can't really talk to family, not that type of family.

Thanks to everyone on this thread. You guys all give such considered, kind responses. It helps, and I'm sorry if I burden you with my ramblings. So thanks, you're all a really nice bunch of people and I'm sorry if my ****ty replies make me seem ungrateful. I do really appreciate all the time and effort that people put in to here when they themselves aren't feeling well either.

Hugo Stiglitz

Hugs for ye all. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

greenfrogs

scrimshanker wrote: »

Grem, sorry to hear you're having a bad one. Thinking of you.

greenfrogs, sorry I can't reply, something about storage limits. Anyway I was second guessing myself and then worried I would start someone else on a downward spiral which is why I edited it so I dunno. I don't personally mind it being there. Thanks for your post. I guess I'll have to go back, I need a new prescription soon anyway. Can't really talk to family, not that type of family.

Thanks to everyone on this thread. You guys all give such considered, kind responses. It helps, and I'm sorry if I burden you with my ramblings. So thanks, you're all a really nice bunch of people and I'm sorry if my ****ty replies make me seem ungrateful. I do really appreciate all the time and effort that people put in to here when they themselves aren't feeling well either.

No problem. Sometimes I write posts but then regret putting so much info about myself out there. I'm conscious that someone could recognise me. I think everybody here has had a fair few downward spirals. I personally find some comfort reading about other peoples down days when I myself am feeling down. It's like a weird but cool community feel to it. We all have our good days and bad days. It could very well be me next Saturday night looking for advice and kind words here. I remember when I first posted here some posters were so nice giving me advice and kind words. It made a big difference to me. I talk to my family about some things but leave a lot of information out. I feel far more comfortable talking to strangers about my situation.

That's good that you will be seeing your doctor soon. The most important thing is that you are honest with your doctor and tell them everything you want to say. Try not to be anxious or worried you are wasting their time. The doctor will be able to help better when he knows all the information

Gremlinertia

In the years I've been ignoring my health issues, then acknowledging them and trying to get help this thread has been the one helpful and constant thing going for me.. No matter how down I am I can post because I know someone else is reading and nodding their head in agreement. Keep on writing guys, that is the exact purpose of the place.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

In the years I've been ignoring my health issues, then acknowledging them and trying to get help this thread has been the one helpful and constant thing going for me.. No matter how down I am I can post because I know someone else is reading and nodding their head in agreement. Keep on writing guys, that is the exact purpose of the place.

This thread has been a well of support for me for literally years now. I'd be so lost without it. It actually grounds it sometimes.

greenfrogs

Gremlinertia wrote: »

In the years I've been ignoring my health issues, then acknowledging them and trying to get help this thread has been the one helpful and constant thing going for me.. No matter how down I am I can post because I know someone else is reading and nodding their head in agreement. Keep on writing guys, that is the exact purpose of the place.

I love this post. Here I never feel judged. It's a place where I can truly relax and be myself. I constantly find myself nodding in agreement with other peoples posts. It's like in my everyday world I don't fit in. But here I do.

carzony

Back in college on Monday and already dreading the transport ffs.. It's my last week and that'll be the end of a very difficult commute forever.. Thank god.. Don't think i'd cope doing that journey long term....

Gremlinertia

carzony wrote: »

Back in college on Monday and already dreading the transport ffs.. It's my last week and that'll be the end of a very difficult commute forever.. Thank god.. Don't think i'd cope doing that journey long term....

Glad it's your last week of it so.. I'll be online in the mornings if you want to pm for distraction purposes..

alaskayoung

Leaving Cert in 6 weeks. Still don't know if I'm going to do it or not. I've spent the last 3 days going over and back, over and back, crying, wrecking my head. I can't make a decision. This is crazy.

scrimshanker

Oh alaskayoung, I really feel for you. So much is made of the leaving cert, it's a very stressful position for you to be in. The wonderful thing is though, you can take it whatever year you feel ready for it, and very little changes year to year. Have you gotten input from your mental health team about sitting it?

spudger1

scrimshanker wrote: »

Oh alaskayoung, I really feel for you. So much is made of the leaving cert,

Absolutely this, and fingers crossed for you alaskayoung.

Hugo Stiglitz

alaskayoung wrote: »

Leaving Cert in 6 weeks. Still don't know if I'm going to do it or not. I've spent the last 3 days going over and back, over and back, crying, wrecking my head. I can't make a decision. This is crazy.

You can do it. You're more than able for it.

alaskayoung

Thanks everyone for your kindness. I don't know why, but even though I don't know any of you, knowing that someone else has even read this or listened to me helps. Writing out your thoughts really allows you to see things more clearly, allows you to make realisations and connections you'd have otherwise missed if they were just fleeting thoughts racing through your mind.

You know, I think I'm going to make the decision I've been trying to make for a long time now and just leave the leaving cert. It's so difficult to let go because I know myself academically how capable I am, how much potential I have, how achievable my goals and dreams could be for me if I was in the right frame of mind to do this, but no matter how much I wish things were different, or how I feel things should have gone, this is my reality right now and no amount of wishes or shoulds is going to change that.

I've been through so much this past year, this past 6 months especially have been so so difficult for me. In September I spoke to a GP for the first time about how I was feeling, the things I was struggling with and she asked me even back then to just take a break from school, to focus on myself and get better. I thought she was crazy. Not doing the leaving cert was unimaginable but for the next 6 months, on the days I was able to get out of bed, I felt like I was in a living nightmare. All through the day, all I could hear in my head was "please, I can't do this anymore" over and over and over, my head felt so dark, I couldn't speak, I couldn't hear anything in class, I couldn't even read at times. I tried so hard, I got so angry at myself, I was so confused. None of it made any sense to me. I couldn't understand why other people could just get up in the morning, go to work or school, and just do what they had to do. Why wasn't I able to do that? Why was it so hard for me? I've never felt so alone in my whole life. I felt like such a failure, 9A Junior Cert, good family, friends, I had no reason not to be achieving, I had no excuses. I learned to hate myself so much, to blame myself for everything, if everyone else could manage, I must be so lazy so flawed not to be able too.

Before Christmas I broke down and said I couldn’t do it, I needed time and space and I did. I took a week or two, but again I told myself that I had no excuse, I was in control of myself, I’m the one making the decisions here so suck it up and get on with it. So I forced myself on again, made myself go to school, pretending constantly to everyone around me that I was fine because I needed to be. I had to be fine. I knew I wasn’t, behind the scenes I was crying constantly, overwhelming anxiety, self harming, making myself sick, my world was getting smaller and smaller because I couldn’t speak to anyone or go anywhere or do anything. Eventually 2 months ago I completely broke down in front of my psychologist who sent me into A&E and I spent 5 weeks in hospital. It was difficult being there but ironically at the same time, confined in there I’ve never felt so free in my entire life. In there, I didn’t have to hide anything, I was allowed to be completely honest with myself, I was allowed to admit to myself that something was wrong, like any other illness I was sick and that was nothing I had control over. Even the relief of that alone, to allow myself to shift so much of that blame and self hatred off myself was huge. I improved a lot in there. The nurses and staff were incredible, it gave me time to think, to learn about myself. It was very hard coming back out, going home, I think to understand you have to be in the situation yourself. I wanted to go, it was time, but the fear of regression and to return back to your old life was huge because nothing in your life changes while you’re in there. You still need to return at some stage and deal with your problems because they don’t go anywhere no matter how long you spend there.

So I was discharged 3 weeks ago and looking back now I can see my biggest mistake. Returning to my old life, not changing very much was never going to work. Living that life sent me in there beforehand and living it afterwards wasn’t going to yield any different results. Two days later I overdosed. It was for a variety of reasons but now that I think about it one way or another I needed a way to escape my situation. I felt trapped. I couldn’t leave school because I needed it to get where I want but I couldn’t be in school either because mentally I wasn’t there yet. I hated both options so I created a third in the hope that I’d be forced into one either by circumstance or due to someone making the decision on my behalf. So many people have told me to leave it, to give myself a break but I couldn’t allow myself to let go. These past 2 weeks I’ve gone over and back so many times in my head, it’s exhausting but the reason I keep ending up here is because I keep making the wrong choice.

I need to be honest with myself. I can’t do this right now. I just can’t and it’s not my fault. Yesterday, for the first time throughout this whole experience I told myself this is unfair, I didn’t deserve this and I allowed myself to feel sorry for myself. Never once did I allow myself to feel sorry for myself these past few months because I felt I deserved all of the blame, that all of the fault lied with me. People have said it to me over and over again, it’s the same as a physical illness, if a runner broke his legs would you expect him to be forced into running a marathon, but it’s time I believed it. It’s hard and it really sucks but it’s not my fault. Nothing is going to get better if things don’t change, so things are going to have to change.

It’s my dream to do medicine and become a psychiatrist so that I can help other people who have gone through similar things in their lives. I can’t imagine doing anything else that I care more or feel more passionately about. But right now I can’t do it, I’m not able. There are other means and ways and they may not be perfect or exactly what I wanted and that’s hard but that’s okay. I’m going to say to myself the same thing that one of my nurses said to me. “Not never, just not now”.

Gremlinertia

Just read your post Alaska, you've written extremely well about your situation and I would be in agreement with a break as your argument leaves it in no doubt that an extended break to look after yourself would be in your best interests. Also glad you feel the same way I do about how helpful this thread can be btw!
You seem like a very logical and coherent person and a year or whatever you wish to take out in order to set things right for yourself is no time in the grand scheme.. I have no doubt you'll end up helping many people in your boat in years to come.. Well done..

mg1982

The Leaving cert is not your priority now AY your mental health is. Its no big deal to put it off for another year to concentrate on getting better. Maybe in a years time you will be able to do yourself justice and do a good leaving cert so you can get the points required for your chosen career. But its your decision, you will know best you yourself.

greenfrogs

This post seems very trivial compared to previous posts. I have issues in having normal friendships with men. I get very intense very quickly. A few such friendships have ended badly largely due to my behaviour. Sometimes I get the urge to text one of them. Tonight the urge was so strong but I over came it. It probably doesn't mean that much to anyone else. I don't even understand it myself. But I feel like a recovering alcoholic who has refused some alcohol. I feel like I am taking control of my behaviour rather than texting him and me dealing with the consequences for the next while and relying on my therapist to make this better.

Euphoria Intensifies

Good on you alaskayoung - you have made a really big decision, and you should be proud of yourself. You need to look after yourself at the minute. I've no doubt that you will get where you want to be in the end

Well done to you too greenfrogs

People here who have periods - do you find that your mood is affected by the hormone fluctuations etc? Not in a simple PMS-like weepy and sad way, but in that your moods are more likely to be more erratic than usual? I think I'm noticing a bit of a pattern.

heyday30

Euphoria Intensifies wrote: »

Good on you alaskayoung - you have made a really big decision, and you should be proud of yourself.

People here who have periods - do you find that your mood is affected by the hormone fluctuations etc? Not in a simple PMS-like weepy and sad way, but in that your moods are more likely to be more erratic than usual? I think I'm noticing a bit of a pattern.

Absolutely EI more so in the last 2/3 years. I tend to get crazy angry and irrational which is not me at all. And more down. Was told to take Evening primrose oil made no difference at all tbh.

scrimshanker

Euphoria Intensifies wrote: »

People here who have periods - do you find that your mood is affected by the hormone fluctuations etc? Not in a simple PMS-like weepy and sad way, but in that your moods are more likely to be more erratic than usual? I think I'm noticing a bit of a pattern.

not really tbh, but I've been on the pill for years so I guess the "like clockwork" aspect of that helps

greenfrogs

Euphoria Intensifies wrote: »

Good on you alaskayoung - you have made a really big decision, and you should be proud of yourself. You need to look after yourself at the minute. I've no doubt that you will get where you want to be in the end

Well done to you too greenfrogs

People here who have periods - do you find that your mood is affected by the hormone fluctuations etc? Not in a simple PMS-like weepy and sad way, but in that your moods are more likely to be more erratic than usual? I think I'm noticing a bit of a pattern.

Thanks EI.

I don't find my mood greatly affected. I just find I am cranky and more irritable. I think it's really good though that you have identified a pattern. I am now making a more conscientious effort to recognise how different things affect me so that maybe I can identify a pattern or a trigger.