Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

Gremlinertia

Hey all, just dropping in to say I hope today wasn't too rough on you all. I know some people were dreading it.. Fcuk it, well done, you're still here.. I know how corny and motivational poster that looks but I discovered if I was able to get past that a little simple statements can help.. Take care all.

greenfrogs

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Hey all, just dropping in to say I hope today wasn't too rough on you all. I know some people were dreading it.. Fcuk it, well done, you're still here.. I know how corny and motivational poster that looks but I discovered if I was able to get past that a little simple statements can help.. Take care all.

That's a sweet post. There are some phrases and sayings that I used think were corny and so cliché but now I actually see their real meaning. I'm actually not a big tattoo fan but I was considering getting 2 such phrases tattooed when I get better. I might get them engraved on a piece of jewellery though instead. There some parts of my life that I wish I could erase. But this experience, this getting better I hope will be the making of me. So far this journey as been the best thing that has happened to me in my adult life.

Gremlinertia how's the dbt going?

Gremlinertia

Ah thanks.. I do find myself prone to being a mother hen sometimes - noticed even on boards..

Dbt is goin alright - it's tough but that's no surprise, it's challenging my thought process and like any rewiring job it's a bit messy. Hoping for the best as it's early days.. How are you? I like the jewellery idea, I have tattoos but doubt I'd ever get words on me..

greenfrogs

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Ah thanks.. I do find myself prone to being a mother hen sometimes - noticed even on boards..

Dbt is goin alright - it's tough but that's no surprise, it's challenging my thought process and like any rewiring job it's a bit messy. Hoping for the best as it's early days.. How are you? I like the jewellery idea, I have tattoos but doubt I'd ever get words on me..

It's funny how we all find our roles.

Therapy is hard work and draining. It can be so rewarding though. I always find it strange that cbt and dbt focus on changing the way we think. It sounds so simple when you think about it. But it's also empowering to know we can change. It's like we are healing ourselves in a way along with some help of course.

I'm good. I'm working on my social anxiety at the moment and finding it beneficial so far. I remember my therapist saying to me a few weeks that she thought I may have social anxiety. My reply was no, no I don't have that. Then I thought about if for a week and was like actually your dead right I think I have it. I completely lack any self awareness. I think it's because I shut off my feelings and emotions for so long now I find it hard to register what exactly I feel. Does anybody else find that happened them.

Gremlinertia

The last half of your last paragraph jumped out at me.. I've been asked how I felt by my therapist at different points and found it surprisingly difficult to answer.. Like my wiring is all crossed. Guess it's just how I coped and has become habit.

scrimshanker

Has anyone ever asked their therapist what they write during the sessions? I know it's weird but it's really starting to bother me not knowing what is being written...

Euphoria Intensifies

I never have, but then again I'm the sort of person who constantly writes during meetings etc to keep track of things in case I forget, so I always assume that's what others are doing too. I imagine they are just noting some of the things you say in case they want to bring it up again, or to help them understand your frame of mind. I can't imagine there be an issue with asking though.

Umekichi

scrimshanker wrote: »

Has anyone ever asked their therapist what they write during the sessions? I know it's weird but it's really starting to bother me not knowing what is being written...

Ask away they usually will have no problem. Mostly it's notes, ideas that popped up, questions etc.

My depression and Anxiety disorders have flared up. My back window was put in by knackers living next door and now I honestly feel like I can't live there anymore. I can't sleep, can't breathe at times and feel nauseous all the time. I have to tidy my house but I cannot get the energy and focus to do anything bar sit here and blob out. I really need to leave this house, but unfortunately I'm tied into the lease until November.

Luckily enough I'll be meeting my social worker tomorrow so hopefully I'll get through tonight but I can honestly see myself ending up in the hospital if I have to stay living next door to these scum(I'm really p'd off, as I was doing much better - lost weight, took better care of myself etc. but now I'm regressing back to what I used to be )

scrimshanker

Hmm it's hard to know whether to ask or not. He did ask if it was okay to take notes, and I'm fine with that, it's just that the last couple of sessions I've been getting more and more curious about what exactly is being written about me. I wish I knew what type of stuff it is, but then I'm afraid of actually finding out what's written in case I dunno, might be difficult. Was thinking of asking in my last session but I got hit with a huge wave of anxiety at the start because I had to explain something so spent the whole session finding it too difficult to engage with even basic stuff never mind asking questions. Yet another thing to be anxious about and overthink . Having persistently more trouble breathing during the day, nearly got sick a few times today. And today was a good day.. I just want to be normal. I'm so done with this already, why I can't just stop being anxious and stop worrying so much is completely beyond me.

Umekichi wrote: »

Ask away they usually will have no problem. Mostly it's notes, ideas that popped up, questions etc.

My depression and Anxiety disorders have flared up. My back window was put in by knackers living next door and now I honestly feel like I can't live there anymore. I can't sleep, can't breathe at times and feel nauseous all the time. I have to tidy my house but I cannot get the energy and focus to do anything bar sit here and blob out. I really need to leave this house, but unfortunately I'm tied into the lease until November.

Luckily enough I'll be meeting my social worker tomorrow so hopefully I'll get through tonight but I can honestly see myself ending up in the hospital if I have to stay living next door to these scum(I'm really p'd off, as I was doing much better - lost weight, took better care of myself etc. but now I'm regressing back to what I used to be )

Really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's such an invasion of your safe space and so stressful to deal with. Anyone would find it very difficult to cope with. Have you talked to your landlord about it? Maybe he knows the neighbours landlord who might be able to kick them out instead of you having to move?

Umekichi

scrimshanker wrote: »

Hmm it's hard to know whether to ask or not. He did ask if it was okay to take notes, and I'm fine with that, it's just that the last couple of sessions I've been getting more and more curious about what exactly is being written about me. I wish I knew what type of stuff it is, but then I'm afraid of actually finding out what's written in case I dunno, might be difficult. Was thinking of asking in my last session but I got hit with a huge wave of anxiety at the start because I had to explain something so spent the whole session finding it too difficult to engage with even basic stuff never mind asking questions. Yet another thing to be anxious about and overthink . Having persistently more trouble breathing during the day, nearly got sick a few times today. And today was a good day.. I just want to be normal. I'm so done with this already, why I can't just stop being anxious and stop worrying so much is completely beyond me.



Really sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's such an invasion of your safe space and so stressful to deal with. Anyone would find it very difficult to cope with. Have you talked to your landlord about it? Maybe he knows the neighbours landlord who might be able to kick them out instead of you having to move?

heh I know the feeling, I hate the way I'm so anxious. It's a PITA if I'm honest.

I talked to him, but there's no proof(as they used a hammer or something) so realistically there is nothing he can do. It's annoying though as it was obvious by the fence(its a high wooden one and was leaning a bit, as if someone climbed it) that it was them, even the guards were like it was probably them, but we cant do anything. Thankfully my landlord is a diamond and repaired the window ASAP but still there was no need for it. At this point this house is "tainted" to me, IYKWIM? I can't leave because I'm afraid something will happen but I don't want to stay because this place makes me stressed and I feel unsafe

scrimshanker

Umekichi wrote: »

heh I know the feeling, I hate the way I'm so anxious. It's a PITA if I'm honest.

I talked to him, but there's no proof(as they used a hammer or something) so realistically there is nothing he can do. It's annoying though as it was obvious by the fence(its a high wooden one and was leaning a bit, as if someone climbed it) that it was them, even the guards were like it was probably them, but we cant do anything. Thankfully my landlord is a diamond and repaired the window ASAP but still there was no need for it. At this point this house is "tainted" to me, IYKWIM? I can't leave because I'm afraid something will happen but I don't want to stay because this place makes me stressed and I feel unsafe

Yeah I get what you mean. I wonder if a security light back and front would help? You know the motion sensitive ones? It might be offputting to them and maybe it's something the landlord would agree to install. You could look into getting little security cameras as well, I think they're cheap enough? It wouldnt fix the damage done to your sense of security but it might help make it bearable knowing there's an added deterrent and you'd have proof of who it is if it were ever to happen again (hopefully it won't).

Hugo Stiglitz

Sorry to hear of your trouble there Umekichi.

whatismyname

Today is one of those days it's definitely all too hard.

Also, how bad is it that I actually feel jealous of someone saying they get therapy twice weekly, when my NHS therapy is fortnightly, sometimes less?

It took me enough of a fight and enough of a wait to get that, especially since it's not time limited, but I just know I need more, but I know that it's all there is... and it just annoys me but feel stupid feeling jealous... and I could never come with twice weekly anyhow... probably couldn't even cope with weekly tbh.

scrimshanker

Sorry your day is so tough whatismyname.

It's not bad at all that you're jealous, it's coming simply from a desire to get well. I also wish I could get weekly therapy, but fortnightly is all I can get and that'll end when I leave college. Today I actually feel like I need another session to process yesterday's.

whatismyname

scrimshanker wrote: »

Sorry your day is so tough whatismyname.

It's not bad at all that you're jealous, it's coming simply from a desire to get well. I also wish I could get weekly therapy, but fortnightly is all I can get and that'll end when I leave college. Today I actually feel like I need another session to process yesterday's.

Thank you.

I really identify that. I joke that I have a 'scheduled breakdown day' every couple of weeks i.e. therapy day, and it often is an absolute breakdown that day, ,but that i've to get up and get on with life the next day... but the reality really is that it often knocks me down for several days...

which is part of the reason that I know I couldn't cope with more regular therapy...

... and also I don't mean this in a bad way, but I run a business and need to keep up a high level of functioning, the person saying they get therapy twice weekly have very different circumstances than that... and their life probably more enables them to do twice weekly therapy... it'd knock my life apart to do that, and that in itself would make me want to give up forever probably...

It's just frustrating cos I wanna work on stuff, but irregular appointments means it'll take so much longer. And of course it doesn't make the therapy as effective overall, and its' like my psychologist is one of the only people I can be really raw and vulnerable with.. and then to have to go away for weeks and put that back in its box is so hard...

Gongoozler

I'm becoming more and more aware of my social anxiety. I've spent some time with colleagues in the last few days and I have needed time away from them. Even not just talking, but being around them talking so much. I got about a half hour of peace earlier and it was great.

Also with everything I said, or didn't say I wondered what they'd be thinking of me. Wondering if I'm saying something bad, or weird, or something they don't agree with. I wonder are they looking at each other going wtf is she saying. I want to not care. they don't seem to. I actually hate caring. These people don't mean anything to me, why should I care. Trying to be all these things that are so much effort for me to be, and all to be polite, and to ultimately make them think I'm a good, normal, down to earth person. What's the point. I don't want to or plan to be friends with them. It's just such a waste of my energy. And then this worrying about it.

greenfrogs

I forgot to take my meds yesterday. I couldn't take them today as I had a vomiting bug. I've never felt so bad in my life. It was like a mutant super bug with terrible stomach cramps. I hope I'm feeling better tomorrow. I have an exam at the end of the week. Im usually a last minute crammer. Such bad timing.

Gremlinertia

Frogs, just keep the water in to ya and see if you can manage an early night. I'll be here all night if it's broken sleep. Can message back and forth.

Gong, I hadn't noticed too much until the other day that I've become seriously withdrawn lately.. The most communication I do at the moment is on boards.. I'm avoiding real life conversation any way possible.. I wonder if it's down to the strain of the dbt course which is taking a fair bit out of me.. I've made some baby steps in the last few days to try rectify things - reached out to a mate or two and apologised.. Hope you can manage something for yourself too.

scrimshanker

Sometimes I do things that are stupid and I do them knowing they'll do me more harm than good. I have another "physical" medical condition, but more than half of people with it have chronic anxiety. So I guess I'm never going to get past this anxiety. Wonderful.

whatismyname

It's all too much. Emotions are in chaos. I don't know what to believe or know or how to act anymore. I don't know how to contain it.

I do, yet I don't. I have to know since I've done it thousands of times, yet it really feels like I don't.

It's not anxiety. It's not depression. It's just my head being a mess and everything hurting way too much.

Gremlinertia

Chaos is a good word for being in a completely emotional state of mind.. I often describe it as the inside of my head must look like a blizzard with each snowflake being a fraction of a thought.

Are you doing anything for you? Sorry if you've explained yourself on thread before but my memory can be just awful. Another tell tale sign for me actually..

whatismyname

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Chaos is a good word for being in a completely emotional state of mind.. I often describe it as the inside of my head must look like a blizzard with each snowflake being a fraction of a thought.

Are you doing anything for you? Sorry if you've explained yourself on thread before but my memory can be just awful. Another tell tale sign for me actually..

It's ok. And thanks for replying.

I'm not doing anything nice for myself. I'm making it worse. I'm writing elsewhere about the thing that's most bothering me, and what's got me really distressed right now, but the more I go on about it, the more distressed I'm getting. I need to go and figure a way to calm down, cos I have meetings tomorrow that I need to get my **** together for, and I'm an absolute mess, and I'm only making it worse. I'm sorry.

scrimshanker

Seems like we're all having a rough time of it. I don't know how much longer I can last like this. Every minute is a battle today... Everything. Can't breathe. I want to stab myself. but I Don't. I just want to make my head STOP. Why can't I STOP. I can't even go to the doc tomorrow because he doesn't sit tomorrow.

Sorry for venting. I Really want to stops feeling. It's the cruelest kind of endurance test because there's no end to it, even asleep it keeps going and going and going and there's no way to shut it all off. I was so hopeful about the increase in meds and it started working, i started being able to eat but I spent all of today trying not to get sick. Several times I felt like I Was about to throw up whenever exams were mentioned. I nearly died during a lecture Because I couldn't breathe. I just can't do this anymore. Life has to stp this.

Sorry for venting. Don't mind me. just have to get this out of my own head, maybe make some space but everything else just seems to blow up then. Here's hoping something happens tomorrow.

whatismyname

I don't know how to stop crying. I'm sorry

scrimshanker

whatismyname wrote: »

I don't know how to stop crying. I'm sorry

Sometimes crying helps though. Cry hysterically if it makes you feel any calmer. In the past I've find crying helps me sleep.

Gremlinertia

Scrim and Whatismyname, you both seem to be badly off tonight. I know this will sound like a reach but just if you can, box the **** up.. Most stuff can't be dealt with in the immediate moment.. Push it away and give up on paying it attention for today. Ye got to here, that'll do.. Also, no need to say sorry Whatis..

whatismyname

scrimshanker wrote: »

Sometimes crying helps though. Cry hysterically if it makes you feel any calmer. In the past I've find crying helps me sleep.

Sometimes yes.

But I think it's intensifying things. When it's beyond what feels safe. What escalates it, and just breaks my heart.

When I have to be ok tomorrow. Have to be for many reasons. And the more i cry the more I feel that I've falling apart, the more the pain is literally unberable, the more I think I can't stand the pain so have to die. Not there yet, but I know how my stupid mind works, and really want to find a way to calm for now.

I'm really, really sorry.

whatismyname

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Scrim and Whatismyname, you both seem to be badly off tonight. I know this will sound like a reach but just if you can, box the **** up.. Most stuff can't be dealt with in the immediate moment.. Push it away and give up on paying it attention for today. Ye got to here, that'll do.. Also, no need to say sorry Whatis..

Thanks. I definitely need to try to box it up for now, and get through to the weekend.

And I would tell anyone else no need to say sorry, ,yet when going on like that it feels like the most natural thing in the world to say.

heyday30

Struggling a bit the last few days too.
I've been on steroids and antibiotics for the past two weeks for chest infection.
Steroids reeking havoc with my mood.

Whatsmyname... I've had uncontrollable crying outbursts as well.

no sleep. Massive appetite no energy n self loathing big scale.

scrimshanker

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Scrim and Whatismyname, you both seem to be badly off tonight. I know this will sound like a reach but just if you can, box the **** up.. Most stuff can't be dealt with in the immediate moment.. Push it away and give up on paying it attention for today. Ye got to here, that'll do.. Also, no need to say sorry Whatis..

Thanks Grem, good advice as ever. You're totally right, I do need to box it up for a while. Difficult to do though when I've gotten into a funk of actively wanting to self destruct and no longer feel like I deserve to spare myself any of this ****. Going to go to bed and feel sorry for myself.

I hope you keep finding the strength to work with your DBT programme. Seriously impressive managing that and trying to mend relationships.