Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

mg1982

Gongoozler wrote: »

My boyfriend is breaking up with me.
I'm doing ok, then not ok. I would be fine by myself but I feel like such a mess. I'm clearly unloveable. I have no one. I thought at times he cared about me. But now it really seems not. I don't think any one has ever loved me. I want to just be gone, out of this, I have nothing to be here for. But then I get these thoughts, that I will be ok. I will be fine by myself. but it's not just that. I don't want to have to live my life by myself. I wanted things to work out for us. I made so much effort to change all these things about myself. I was doing good. despite not really having any help. I was doing good. I fell like it's too hard. And besides, what am I trying for anymore. Trying to be normal. Trying to be normal enough so that some people will like me, so that someone will love me.

But it's not enough. The effort I made was not enough. I don't want to feel like I'm a burden to anyone. That's what I feel all the time. I'm not good enough. Obviously not, since I have to change everything about myself. I want to feel like I'm worth something to someone. I have no family and no friends. And now I don't even have him anymore. So what am I trying for. What's the point in keeping going. I feel alone. I am alone.

Im really sorry to hear that gong, but as greenfrogs says we cant rely on others for our self esteem. I hope you can stay strong and get through this. You are a worthwhile person and you will meet nice people in the future.

Hugo Stiglitz

mg1982 wrote: »

We cant rely on others for our self esteem.

It can be so hard not to do so though. Our culture puts so much emphasis on the ideal person and coupling.

mg1982

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

It can be so hard not to do so though. Our culture puts so much emphasis on the ideal person and coupling.

I know. If only i could take my own advice,its so hard.

Hugo Stiglitz

mg1982 wrote: »

I know. If only i could take my own advice,its so hard.

I hear ya man. It'd be great if we all could!

greenfrogs

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

It can be so hard not to do so though. Our culture puts so much emphasis on the ideal person and coupling.

Honestly I feel there is so much to life than putting your self esteem on whether you have a romantic partner or not. There's family, friends, travel, hobbies, interests, work etc. Of course it's nice to be in a relationship but being in a relationship won't transform your life.

Hugo Stiglitz

greenfrogs wrote: »

Honestly I feel there is so much to life than putting your self esteem on whether you have a romantic partner or not. There's family, friends, travel, hobbies, interests, work etc. Of course it's nice to be in a relationship but being in a relationship won't transform your life.

That's a fair point there GF.

mg1982

greenfrogs wrote: »

Honestly I feel there is so much to life than putting your self esteem on whether you have a romantic partner or not. There's family, friends, travel, hobbies, interests, work etc. Of course it's nice to be in a relationship but being in a relationship won't transform your life.

Its by no means the be all and end all. Theres so much more too life.

greenfrogs

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

That's a fair point there GF.

The only reason why I think it is important is because I was certain my unhappiness stemed from not having a particular thing I wanted. When I eventually got this thing I was still unhappy. Sometimes the things we crave will not bring the happiness we think they will.

Hugo Stiglitz

greenfrogs wrote: »

Sometimes the things we crave will not bring the happiness we think they will.

Another good point there. I guess one needs to stand back and be objective about these things.

Roquentin

Gongoozler

greenfrogs wrote: »

Honestly I feel there is so much to life than putting your self esteem on whether you have a romantic partner or not. There's family, friends, travel, hobbies, interests, work etc. Of course it's nice to be in a relationship but being in a relationship won't transform your life.

I don't place my worth on being in a relationship.

Gremlinertia

I think what triggered the flurry of relationship based responses was the fact that you mentioned changing yourself.. I doubt anyone here thinks it's your be all and end all, its just an awful thing to be happening to you now.

Hugo Stiglitz

I think I steered it that way unintentionally. Sorry about that.

Gongoozler

I used to. Turns out, I don't anymore.
No need to apologise, I'm just my usual sensitive self.

But really, how are you meant to build any self esteem, when everything you do is wrong?

greenfrogs

Gongoozler wrote: »

I used to. Turns out, I don't anymore.
No need to apologise, I'm just my usual sensitive self.

But really, how are you meant to build any self esteem, when everything you do is wrong?

I think my first reply may have been a bit blunt. I suppose I can see a lot of myself in you. Not everything you do is wrong. Sometimes our perspective is skewed because we can't see the wood for the trees. Everything is turned upside down. It is hard to explain but a depressed mind is not a healthy mind.

I found it impossible to hold down friendships when I was down. I was not able for it. Does it mean that I am unlikeable, unlovable, not good enough? No it doesn't. Everyone has tough times in the lives. For us this is a tough time. We will get through it and we will get stronger. I have improved my self esteem through counselling. Now I am more confident talking to people and with the way I look. Both major downfalls in the old me.

Roquentin

Gongoozler wrote: »

I used to. Turns out, I don't anymore.
No need to apologise, I'm just my usual sensitive self.

But really, how are you meant to build any self esteem, when everything you do is wrong?

right and wrong is just a matter of perspective

Gongoozler

greenfrogs wrote: »

I think my first reply may have been a bit blunt. I suppose I can see a lot of myself in you. Not everything you do is wrong. Sometimes our perspective is skewed because we can't see the wood for the trees. Everything is turned upside down. It is hard to explain but a depressed mind is not a healthy mind.

I found it impossible to hold down friendships when I was down. I was not able for it. Does it mean that I am unlikeable, unlovable, not good enough? No it doesn't. Everyone has tough times in the lives. For us this is a tough time. We will get through it and we will get stronger. I have improved my self esteem through counselling. Now I am more confident talking to people and with the way I look. Both major downfalls in the old me.

I constantly feel like a failure. I fail at relationships, but I don't mind it so much because I'm not that interested in people. But I'd like to be able to have friends and to get on with my family. To get on with colleagues. To not feel awkward socially. To not feel like a burden on people, because of the problems I cause.

I am getting better. It's just maybe been too slow.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gongoozler wrote: »

I constantly feel like a failure. I fail at relationships, but I don't mind it so much because I'm not that interested in people. But I'd like to be able to have friends and to get on with my family. To get on with colleagues. To not feel awkward socially. To not feel like a burden on people, because of the problems I cause.

I could have written that post myself GG.

greenfrogs

Gongoozler wrote: »

I constantly feel like a failure. I fail at relationships, but I don't mind it so much because I'm not that interested in people. But I'd like to be able to have friends and to get on with my family. To get on with colleagues. To not feel awkward socially. To not feel like a burden on people, because of the problems I cause.

I am getting better. It's just maybe been too slow.

But you are interested in people as you want to have friends and family in your life. I really wanted to have friends and get on with my family but I couldn't do it. Now I feel more comfortable around people and more comfortable in social situations. I can't say I have developed any friendships yet more acquaintances but it is far better than I had previously been doing. Progress is slow. If you know that you are making progress then that is all that matters.

For me I have put relationships to the sidelines. For me that works as I am just not in the right headspace. Everyone is different so just do what works best for you.

Roquentin

Gongoozler wrote: »

I constantly feel like a failure. I fail at relationships, but I don't mind it so much because I'm not that interested in people. But I'd like to be able to have friends and to get on with my family. To get on with colleagues. To not feel awkward socially. To not feel like a burden on people, because of the problems I cause.

I am getting better. It's just maybe been too slow.

yea you are consciously putting yourself under pressure. this is a mistake people make, they consciously try overrule their unconscious thinking that they will get by.

so a man who has a date with a woman lets say, consciously says im going try really hard to impress this woman. By saying and hence doing that he consciously distracts his unconscious from performing and thus comes across as anxious and trying too hard.

If one goes out to try and impress people they wont. If you like you say want to not be socially awkard, you will invariably come across as socially awkard because you are consciously distracting your instinctive personality. (unconscious mind)

every day we rely on instinct to navigate through this world. When you drive a car you use unconscious response to turn at junctions and put on the indicator. Even conversation relies on unconscious response to be of substance. One cannot consciously respond to questions because it takes too long to think up of a reply.

Its a paradox of success/hedonism. the more one tries to gain success or happiness or be a certain person, the more it eludes them because they are consciously overruling their instinctive response.

The way to do it is to train the unconscious mind in private and then allow it to take the reins in situations.

Gremlinertia

For me it's achingly bloody frustratingly slow.. I'm getting to identify some issues recently but it's always the plodding pace that gets to me most.. No wonder I prefer to go off on the piss sometimes.

Gongoozler

I'm increasingly aware of how little time I could have and desperately don't want to regret not doing the right thing for myself. I'm just getting used to the idea of living the way I want to.

I want relationships with people because I need to feel of value to people, to feel I'm important, to feel connected to people. I suppose it's so I can say yes I belong here. When I feel I don't have anyone, I feel what am I doing here. I'm no use to anyone and don't contribute to anything. but I'm slowly moving away from that kind of thinking, finally. but I still feel alone. Because I am.

greenfrogs

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'm increasingly aware of how little time I could have and desperately don't want to regret not doing the right thing for myself. I'm just getting used to the idea of living the way I want to.

I want relationships with people because I need to feel of value to people, to feel I'm important, to feel connected to people. I suppose it's so I can say yes I belong here.When I feel I don't have anyone, I feel what am I doing here. I'm no use to anyone and don't contribute to anything. but I'm slowly moving away from that kind of thinking, finally. but I still feel alone. Because I am.

I still get lonely at times. I have been in cbt for depression since Sept. From Sept until March I felt constantly alone and isolated. I saw major improvements when I started cbt for social anxiety in March.

heyday30

RobbingBandit wrote: »

I felt very down last night and did something silly, swallowing 30 200mg ibuprofen, it's the first time in near 5 months I have done something like this, times are very tough at the moment, I am seeing a shrink twice a week which I think is doing more damage than good. My health issues are getting worse by the week, last year I was fixated on killing myself but I have tried to move on from this but this latest setback has me down even more now all I can think about is how i would love to go to sleep and never wake up again.

Sorry your feeling like this. Did you tell anybody about taking the tablets?
If not I urge you too and go to doctor/ a&e.

Hugo Stiglitz

greenfrogs wrote: »

I still get lonely at times.

Loneliness and depression often go hand unfortunately. Anxiety can make one withdraw from the world and fester in solitude and misery. It can be extremely difficult to get yourself out of that pit. Your mind can become so warped over time that you tell yourself that you don't want to, despite the wanting of company and all the potential good things that comes with it.

heyday30

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Loneliness and depression often go hand unfortunately. Anxiety can make one withdraw from the world and fester in solitude and misery. It can be extremely difficult to get yourself out of that pit. Your mind can become so warped over time that you tell yourself that you don't want to, despite the wanting of company and all the potential good things that comes with it.

To that I think it's hard to differentiate between enjoying your own company and avoiding the company of others. I find myself feeling happier when on my own but missing human interaction to at the same time.

Gongoozler

I'm trying to decide whether to go to work tomorrow or not. I have just started my self esteem book and I'd like to spend a few hours reading it, maybe I could make some progress. But I'm afraid if I don't go in I might spend much of the day upset.
I just hate the asking how was your weekend etc. I don't want to be upset at work. People will already be able to tell I've been crying, I just hate the attention.

Gremlinertia

That's a tough one Gong, I'd personally lean towards going in, but that's just me I wouldn't want to be festering at home.. Like I said just my thoughts oh plus luckily there isn't many people who would talk to me in work..

greenfrogs

heyday30 wrote: »

To that I think it's hard to differentiate between enjoying your own company and avoiding the company of others. I find myself feeling happier when on my own but missing human interaction to at the same time.

I think a combination of both is needed. We all need to find our own balance. For example I spent a few hours socialising today. I had a good time but I also left an hour or two before others did. That suited me so that is what I did.

Gongoozler wrote: »

I'm trying to decide whether to go to work tomorrow or not. I have just started my self esteem book and I'd like to spend a few hours reading it, maybe I could make some progress. But I'm afraid if I don't go in I might spend much of the day upset.
I just hate the asking how was your weekend etc. I don't want to be upset at work. People will already be able to tell I've been crying, I just hate the attention.

It's so hard to know. Why don't you set your alarm for the morning and see how you feel then.

guitarzero

Gongoozler, I hope it works itself out, you're not on your own with these particular issues.