Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

scrimshanker

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I wrote a long reply to you Mocha and it disappeared. :mad: anyway one thing I thought was perhaps you should show your post to your consultant.. It's perfect I think for them to get some insight.

Hugs for you, mind yourself I hope you get back to your room soon.. I was never able to sleep on wards, so I get you.

Oh Mocha, that really sounds awful. Must be so tough to go through and missing your little boy all the time. My heart really goes out to you.

I'd second Grem's advice though. You wrote very clearly in your post and explained what is bothering you and why. If you think you'll struggle to communicate that verbally, showing your consultant would be a good idea.

heyday30

Thinking of you mocha. Hope you feel more at ease soon.

scrimshanker

Jaysus, I've enough sleeping trouble as it is, I don't need cats fighting outside my window

Gremlinertia

You have my sympathies Scrim. Bin trucks will keep me up after work.. There suddenly seems to be at least five driving up around me on a Monday..

freudiangirl

mocha please! wrote: »

I'm having a tough time of it.

My mind is racing, and I've this weird mixture of anxiety but also complete recklessness, like I just couldn't give a crap. I feel like I'll never get better and I'm finding it hard to care that I won't. But I don't have any suicidal or self-harm thoughts, nothing like that. I mean, I would like to get better, but it's been so long that I don't know what normal me feels like anymore. I don't see what my future will be like. I want me in it, but I can't imagine me in it.

The staff moved me from my bedroom in the hospital into the shared ward on Friday night. It's basically a ward with three beds and huge glass windows overlooked by the nurses station. I hate hate hate it there, I feel like a monkey in a cage. Saturday morning, they tried to have me move my stuff from "my" bedroom down to the shared ward. I said that if I wasn't sleeping in "my" room that night, I'd be sleeping in my own bedroom at home in my own bed. A bit of a stand-off ensued, they got the registrar on call to come over, and eventually I was allowed keep my room. Which helped, a bit. But I've to face the "consequences" now when I meet my own consultant in the next day or two. The nursing staff do not appreciate ultimatums like that ... but I just can't seem to get across to them how important it is to me to have my own little bit of enclosed space, where I can close the door and close the curtains and maybe it's agoraphobia or something, but not really ... it's more that I can't stand the instability of being moved bed to bed, ward to ward. I know no one would like that but most people would accept it as being for their own good and just part of being in hospital. But I just can't, it completely unearths me.

I've this weird internal conflict, where I can't seem to find the motivation to care about getting better. But I've the biggest motivation in the world - a toddler son who I adore, and I'm constantly missing him and every time I check my phone I can't stop looking at photos of him. I need to get home, I'm just afraid that he'll stop associating me with home, that he'll be confused when I come back there. That it'll feel to him like one of his creche workers suddenly move into his house. They see him a hell of a lot more than I do anyways!

My parents and sister visited today, along with my partner and son, I tried to put on a brave face for my parents. It didn't work though, my sister called to ask how I am because I seemed very down. Oh well.

I'm dreading the meeting with my consultant because I think I'll just come across as flippant, and arrogant, when it's not really the case. I'm going to suggest that I have a few nights at home, to ground myself and refocus, before continuing with the programme I'm on (or starting a more relevant programme.) I think she'll say no to that, and I'm really unclear on my rights if she does say no. I honestly feel it's what I need, but I know I won't be able to communicate it in the room with all her team there scribbling away and her being the expert and me babbling away and trying to communicate when I seem to have lost the ability to do so anymore. As far as I know she could decide to detain me here if she considers me to be a danger to myself or others - I'm absolutely not. I just need to remind myself that I have a home and a family, where I'm loved, where I belong. I just need my baby to have me there to put him to bed at night and wake him up in the morning.

I feel like the nurses just see me as a pain in the arse at this stage.

I wish I could disappear. I wish I could live the rest of my life as an observer on the outside. I wish I could feel less, but only because I feel too much. Sometimes I wear my headphones when I'm not even listening to anything - just because they muffle the sounds and sensations of the world. Sometimes I wonder if I have Aspergers or something. Or hypochondria!

I wish I could go back and relive the past 18 months. Do it all differently. But in a weird way, if I was a better mother, would my son have turned out differently? Because as he is, he's perfect, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. Everyone says he's the proof that I'm a good mother (even if I'm messed up in the head myself!)

My head hurts.

Hugs mocha....message me whenever you need to,! Soon hopefully we will be able to go for coffee..I promise you a huge hug

NicoleW85

Whyyyyyy is this so difficult???? I go for weeks of feeling great, believing my medication is amazing and really doing the trick, then BAM - I feel like s***e and can't stop crying, feeling so angry with myself!! I had my psych appt rescheduled for 8th July as my date this month clashed with my first aid course (and at that time I felt great, so waiting a month was no bother). I just rang and got it moved to 1st July - really struggling!! I feel like I'm living a life of self sabotage an it's just crazy. I want a baby so badly yet I don't feel it's gonna happen any time soon an im nearly 30. It's all getting too much.

greenfrogs

mocha please! wrote: »

I'm having a tough time of it.

My mind is racing, and I've this weird mixture of anxiety but also complete recklessness, like I just couldn't give a crap. I feel like I'll never get better and I'm finding it hard to care that I won't. But I don't have any suicidal or self-harm thoughts, nothing like that. I mean, I would like to get better, but it's been so long that I don't know what normal me feels like anymore. I don't see what my future will be like. I want me in it, but I can't imagine me in it.

The staff moved me from my bedroom in the hospital into the shared ward on Friday night. It's basically a ward with three beds and huge glass windows overlooked by the nurses station. I hate hate hate it there, I feel like a monkey in a cage. Saturday morning, they tried to have me move my stuff from "my" bedroom down to the shared ward. I said that if I wasn't sleeping in "my" room that night, I'd be sleeping in my own bedroom at home in my own bed. A bit of a stand-off ensued, they got the registrar on call to come over, and eventually I was allowed keep my room. Which helped, a bit. But I've to face the "consequences" now when I meet my own consultant in the next day or two. The nursing staff do not appreciate ultimatums like that ... but I just can't seem to get across to them how important it is to me to have my own little bit of enclosed space, where I can close the door and close the curtains and maybe it's agoraphobia or something, but not really ... it's more that I can't stand the instability of being moved bed to bed, ward to ward. I know no one would like that but most people would accept it as being for their own good and just part of being in hospital. But I just can't, it completely unearths me.

I've this weird internal conflict, where I can't seem to find the motivation to care about getting better. But I've the biggest motivation in the world - a toddler son who I adore, and I'm constantly missing him and every time I check my phone I can't stop looking at photos of him. I need to get home, I'm just afraid that he'll stop associating me with home, that he'll be confused when I come back there. That it'll feel to him like one of his creche workers suddenly move into his house. They see him a hell of a lot more than I do anyways!

My parents and sister visited today, along with my partner and son, I tried to put on a brave face for my parents. It didn't work though, my sister called to ask how I am because I seemed very down. Oh well.

I'm dreading the meeting with my consultant because I think I'll just come across as flippant, and arrogant, when it's not really the case. I'm going to suggest that I have a few nights at home, to ground myself and refocus, before continuing with the programme I'm on (or starting a more relevant programme.) I think she'll say no to that, and I'm really unclear on my rights if she does say no. I honestly feel it's what I need, but I know I won't be able to communicate it in the room with all her team there scribbling away and her being the expert and me babbling away and trying to communicate when I seem to have lost the ability to do so anymore. As far as I know she could decide to detain me here if she considers me to be a danger to myself or others - I'm absolutely not. I just need to remind myself that I have a home and a family, where I'm loved, where I belong. I just need my baby to have me there to put him to bed at night and wake him up in the morning.

I feel like the nurses just see me as a pain in the arse at this stage.

I wish I could disappear. I wish I could live the rest of my life as an observer on the outside. I wish I could feel less, but only because I feel too much. Sometimes I wear my headphones when I'm not even listening to anything - just because they muffle the sounds and sensations of the world. Sometimes I wonder if I have Aspergers or something. Or hypochondria!

I wish I could go back and relive the past 18 months. Do it all differently. But in a weird way, if I was a better mother, would my son have turned out differently? Because as he is, he's perfect, and I wouldn't change a thing about him. Everyone says he's the proof that I'm a good mother (even if I'm messed up in the head myself!)

My head hurts.

Did the nurses discuss with you why they wanted you to move rooms.

Maybe you shouldn't focus on getting better for your son but get better for yourself. I can't imagine how it must feel to be away for them. But he is with family so he is in safe hands. A mother's love is irreplaceable. Mothers are also neither good or bad. Most are in between. You are being the best mother you can be.

Could you ask to have a private meeting with the consultant. It is very intimidating to be surrounded by doctors and discussing such personal issues.

mg1982

NicoleW85 wrote: »

Whyyyyyy is this so difficult???? I go for weeks of feeling great, believing my medication is amazing and really doing the trick, then BAM - I feel like s***e and can't stop crying, feeling so angry with myself!! I had my psych appt rescheduled for 8th July as my date this month clashed with my first aid course (and at that time I felt great, so waiting a month was no bother). I just rang and got it moved to 1st July - really struggling!! I feel like I'm living a life of self sabotage an it's just crazy. I want a baby so badly yet I don't feel it's gonna happen any time soon an im nearly 30. It's all getting too much.

On the road to recovery we will have bad days and setbacks along the way. Hopefully its just a blip and you can get back to feeling positive and energised.

Hugo Stiglitz

NicoleW85 wrote: »

Whyyyyyy is this so difficult???? I go for weeks of feeling great, believing my medication is amazing and really doing the trick, then BAM - I feel like s***e and can't stop crying, feeling so angry with myself!! I had my psych appt rescheduled for 8th July as my date this month clashed with my first aid course (and at that time I felt great, so waiting a month was no bother). I just rang and got it moved to 1st July - really struggling!! I feel like I'm living a life of self sabotage an it's just crazy. I want a baby so badly yet I don't feel it's gonna happen any time soon an im nearly 30. It's all getting too much.

So sorry to hear that things have crashed in there Nicole. I hope those horrible feelings go away for you soon.

Joya

i have to say i managed to cut for within a month from 60 to 20 mg of citalopram.
i had huge headaches in a meanwhile also some flu like symptoms where me all body was hurting, felt so drowsy and low and sleepy and exhausted but i did it.., i didnt step back.

however i had my family support and in 2 days im back to big smoke and am afraid of it how will i manage..
i have to have my fingers crossed to continue this and come clean within another month so help me god.....

Hugo Stiglitz

Joya wrote: »

i have to say i managed to cut for within a month from 60 to 20 mg of citalopram.
i had huge headaches in a meanwhile also some flu like symptoms where me all body was hurting, felt so drowsy and low and sleepy and exhausted but i did it.., i didnt step back.

however i had my family support and in 2 days im back to big smoke and am afraid of it how will i manage..
i have to have my fingers crossed to continue this and come clean within another month so help me god.....

It might not mean much, but you have us here Joya.

greenfrogs

NicoleW85 wrote: »

Whyyyyyy is this so difficult???? I go for weeks of feeling great, believing my medication is amazing and really doing the trick, then BAM - I feel like s***e and can't stop crying, feeling so angry with myself!! I had my psych appt rescheduled for 8th July as my date this month clashed with my first aid course (and at that time I felt great, so waiting a month was no bother). I just rang and got it moved to 1st July - really struggling!! I feel like I'm living a life of self sabotage an it's just crazy. I want a baby so badly yet I don't feel it's gonna happen any time soon an im nearly 30. It's all getting too much.

I know what it's like to feel that your actions are causing you so much harm yet you feel that you can't control it. Well done for changing your apt date. That is a very good step. You recognised that you may need an earlier apt and you carried it out. Well done.

Bear in mind that you aren't yet 30. There is plenty of time for a baby. For now maybe work on creating the best life you can for yourself.

NicoleW85

mg1982 wrote:

On the road to recovery we will have bad days and setbacks along the way. Hopefully its just a blip and you can get back to feeling positive and energised.

Thanks so much. I'm being proactive now and doing something to help myself with a particular issue & joining a weight loss group.

Hugo Stiglitz

greenfrogs wrote: »

Bear in mind that you aren't yet 30. There is plenty of time for a baby. For now maybe work on creating the best life you can for yourself.

This is very true. A relative of mine had her first child in her late 30s and the child is the healthiest baby ever.

The 30s are the new 20s!

NicoleW85

greenfrogs wrote:

I know what it's like to feel that your actions are causing you so much harm yet you feel that you can't control it. Well done for changing your apt date. That is a very good step. You recognised that you may need an earlier apt and you carried it out. Well done.

Bear in mind that you aren't yet 30. There is plenty of time for a baby. For now maybe work on creating the best life you can for yourself.

Thanks so much for your kind words - I admire you for having the courage to talk openly about your feelings and it's what inspired me to do the same. If I hadn't read your post I probably wouldn't have rang to change my date. 1st July can't come quick enough but I feel better than I did this morning

NicoleW85

Hugo Stiglitz wrote:

So sorry to hear that things have crashed in there Nicole. I hope those horrible feelings go away for you soon.

Thanks so much - I'm feeling more positive now than I did this morning! Mainly thanks to the inspiration and words of wisdom on here

Hugo Stiglitz

NicoleW85 wrote: »

Thanks so much - I'm feeling more positive now than I did this morning! Mainly thanks to the inspiration and words of wisdom on here

Glad to hear it Nicole!

mg1982

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

This is very true. A relative of mine had her first child in her late 30s and the child is the healthiest baby ever.

The 30s are the new 20s!

As a man in my thirties i am glad to hear that hugo.

scrimshanker

Finding it very hard to cope. Among other things going on at the moment, I really can't seem to deal with not knowing when I'll hear about my referral.

mg1982

scrimshanker wrote: »

Finding it very hard to cope. Among other things going on at the moment, I really can't seem to deal with not knowing when I'll hear about my referral.

It shouldnt take long too see a psychiatrist. I know with me i was waiting less than a month. For a psychologist i was waiting a good bit longer.

Try not too stress over this, at least you know now that it will happen soon.

Hugo Stiglitz

mg1982 wrote: »

As a man in my thirties i am glad to hear that hugo.

The world is yours, my good man!

scrimshanker wrote: »

Finding it very hard to cope. Among other things going on at the moment, I really can't seem to deal with not knowing when I'll hear about my referral.

Hey Scrim. Sorry to hear that. Try to keep in mind that this could be the first step into a new and better life for you. What you feel now will pass. In the meantime, talk things out with us all here. x

Joya

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

It might not mean much, but you have us here Joya.

every little helps hugo so thanks a lot lot lot ))

i really hope for the best, and thinking what i already went through will keep me from relapse....

Gremlinertia

I've been a bit out of the loop the last week or so but I'm back now pretty much.. I hope those of you currently struggling had a better day today.

runningbuddy

So great to see this thread. Had a week from hell last week....anxiety tearing me to shreds...my big issue is chronic insomnia...haven't had a decent nights sleep in exactly 5 months....have been prescribed Trazadone 50mg and zanax....it's the zanax that does the trick to be honest....depression, it's a rotten, rotten illness

scrimshanker

Hope you're okay today greenfrogs x

Gremlinertia

runningbuddy wrote: »

So great to see this thread. Had a week from hell last week....anxiety tearing me to shreds...my big issue is chronic insomnia...haven't had a decent nights sleep in exactly 5 months....have been prescribed Trazadone 50mg and zanax....it's the zanax that does the trick to be honest....depression, it's a rotten, rotten illness

Lack of sleep is often overlooked by us (I for one am very guilty of this) as being tired leads to low mood and of course can mess with the immune system meaning you fall ill, further adding to the misery..

Welcome to the thread Runningbuddy, hope you find some comfort and make a few friends here..

Hugo Stiglitz

runningbuddy wrote: »

So great to see this thread. Had a week from hell last week....anxiety tearing me to shreds...my big issue is chronic insomnia...haven't had a decent nights sleep in exactly 5 months....have been prescribed Trazadone 50mg and zanax....it's the zanax that does the trick to be honest....depression, it's a rotten, rotten illness

Sorry to hear that, friend. Insomnia is a right bitch. It can truly spaghettify your mind.

Depression can really take away so much of who we are/were.

I'm happy that you've found the thread though. It's a great resource for information and a chance to get things off your mind.

runningbuddy

Have been a chronic insomnia for years but has got seriously out of control...jesus it's pure torture....thanks for the welcome folks

greenfrogs

scrimshanker wrote: »

Hope you're okay today greenfrogs x

Hi thanks. I'm good. I doubt I got the job but I'm glad I went. I definitely need to work on some interview prep. I may take you up on your offer another time. The interviewers were very nice. I'm glad my first interview is out of the way.

I also started the 2nd week of c25k today. I really would recommend it. I think it reduces my stress levels. And it's good exercise as well.

Gremlinertia

Nice one Frogs, both of those are good for you, be proud.