Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

Gremlinertia

Heyo Handbagmad, I understand that.. Done it on and off for years. That's the thing - it's done now, don't dwell on it or consider it defeat, just keep moving.. Keep pushing, it's the way you get through to the next dawn..

Esel

handbagmad wrote: »

I cut this evening. First time in months. Couldn't cope, some relief wrong relief though

Excellent insight on your part!

Please don't be too hard on yourself over this little slip. It was just a bump in the road, and it is behind you now. Keep your focus on the road ahead.

cloud493

I find myself incapable of giving up self injury. It makes the anxiety a thousand times worse before anything else. Least pain is something to focus on.

handbagmad

Thank you,
Im just feeling stuck for the want of a better word, quite hopless. Trying to use cbt skills to change this but fruitless,

God, angels what ever higher powers out there give me some guidance

stinkle

hey everyone,

had to rely on phone internet for a while and it made me not want to post very much. ive been really anxious these past couple of days, and am hoping a good nights sleep will help. I sleep fine normally but have had appointments today and yesterday and I think I slept funny knowing I had to be up early. This was despite getting plenty of exercise on Saturday (which usually helps) and taking it easy on Sunday cos I was the good kind of tired - even ran a nice relaxing bath, which I always say I should do but rarely get around to.

I'm a lot better than when I was working, and I'm excited about my move away but also scared as some of it is tinged with sadness. I'm determined to have a positive outlook though. Which is why this latest anxiety is really annoying. I've plenty of stuff to tend to right now, but am fully aware that I can only do so much in one day so am conscious that I shouldnt feel bad/anxious/a failure if I dont get to do everything. It'll get done.

Might make a list of manageable things to get through each day though. Writing things down helps a lot.

Call Me Jimmy

handbagmad wrote: »

Thank you,
Im just feeling stuck for the want of a better word, quite hopless. Trying to use cbt skills to change this but fruitless,

God, angels what ever higher powers out there give me some guidance

Oh god no pun intended I can relate to this. I feel where you are.

I would be interested if anyone can relate to what I say:

I sometimes feel emotion coming in, real before-death kind of emotion, where I finally relent and it all comes out. 30 seconds later I think, no, I'm just being indulgent, I'm acting. Why does every thing that I feel seem untruthful, a second ago it felt like I was being honest. I want to be good person, but feel for some reason that I could be a bad person? Am I a bad person masquerading as a good person?

Similarly, snapshots from my childhood that feel significant come in. Am I fabricating a narrative to justify why I feel so broken? Have I been creating a self-fulfilling prophecy for most of my life? If it is all just a big fabrication, why do I do it? Is there a chance that something significant happened? Or did I just make a mistake and keep making it? Was it just that I couldn't handle that transition into adulthood where you find out you're not 'great'. Why did I think I was so great and why can't I let that go and just be normal?

Could it be that it is all meaningless chatter as a result of not taking care of myself? Symptoms of just a neglected body and mind?

Sometimes I feel like I have been interfered with. I want to be able to say that without anyone taking it the wrong way or jumping to conclusions about what I mean. I don't mean what it sounds like. It's just a feeling but I almost can't say it because nobody did anything to me and I just have too much time to think. But I feel damaged, possibly irreparably so. I suppose you naturally look for reasons, and are frustrated when they're not forthcoming. And then you're left with the uncomfortable truth that it's nobody's fault but your own - or maybe just nobody's fault, just things happen all the time. Too nebulous to be worth trying to figure out. As I'm thinking out loud here, this is most likely the case. And to move forward is the answer, however difficult that may be.

How to get out of quicksand? I suppose the obvious and cliched answer is you need someone's hand. It would just be such a scary thing to really try again, to give up giving up. I don't want to be rejected when I actually am trying.

Hugo Stiglitz

shezer wrote: »

Deferred a year of college today. I actually feel a huge relief. I'll see how the meds go and hopefully I'll be good to go next Sept. Get as much sun as ye can folks.It'll make ye feel a lot better.

Maybe think of it as a whole year to adjust to the medication and to try get your head into a better place. College will always be there for you even if it is a year or more down the road.

Roquentin

shezer wrote: »

I have a long year of boxsets, sporting events and Playstation ahead of me.

Oh and exercise, CBT and Sertraline concoctions :pac:

im in that same club but for different reasons. cant find a job

handbagmad

Wow Call me Jimmy,
Some 3/4 of that post could have come from my own mind.
So so many questions,
In the days past im pondering on the life im living or lack there of and thinking what the fcuk path am I o choose. Or do I even choose it or is it already chosen for me.
Has the soul that I was born with already left and why if so?
Is this it? Is this the eternal struggle for mistakes made or is there something else.
Is this a bubble ive created,

Call Me Jimmy

A very interesting thing my friend said about determinism is that if you fast forward to after your life and look back, it is all there, a single path effectively. There is in the end only that one thread that you passed through. It sounds kind of glib and pseudo-intellectual (maybe like a lot of the things I post) and it is a philosophical question but, which comes first a conscious decision or an unconscious event making you arrive at what you call a decision?

I'm in this kind of mood today. But ultimately I suppose these thoughts and stuff are just another form of entertainment while I linger between either doing something or not doing something major about my life.

handbagmad

I often feel like this before as you say major change, which I feel is imminent. The fear and anxiety of the unknown torments me.

Call Me Jimmy

Have you ever had a moment where the relief came and you felt it is possible, it is happening? I had that once and I'll never forget it. Almost like being reborn, all the things you deeply wished were true WERE true and you could go again? Kind of like it was a bad dream, the relief of waking up from a nightmare.

I hope that happens again, it was a glorious almost spiritual experience where suddenly all the colour seeped back in through my eyes. Like the lyrics 'was blind but now I see'

handbagmad

By fcuk jimmy I hope with every cell in my body( and there's a lot of cells im a big woman) it happens soon.

Reborn with a new attitude and vision wouldn't that be something.

handbagmad

shezer wrote: »

Is that the moment we all strive to experience. I feel extremely positive lately but I haven't had a moment like you describe.

I think so shezer its like when all the pieces of the puzzle match together and make sense


Ps Im sorry i know im hijacking the thread today

Dr.Alucard

shezer wrote: »

Deferred a year of college today. I actually feel a huge relief. I'll see how the meds go and hopefully I'll be good to go next Sept. Get as much sun as ye can folks.It'll make ye feel a lot better.

Good man shezer, you wont find it at all till next september when you will be fighting fit for college!! if i could give you one bit of advice, i was in your position this time last year, try to fit in some exercise everyday, even walking a bit and slowly progress to faster and further walks bit by bit, or a bit of walking and swimimng or what ever exercise you like to do. do it a couple of times a week if you can or more, also what helped me was a routine bedtime and wake up time. This really really helped me load because my sleeping was all over the place like sleeping till 3 am and waking at 12 or 1 feeling very tired and annoyed that i missed most of the morning, over sleeping will actually make you more tired. you will feel good in no time!!. Good luck!

Call Me Jimmy

shezer wrote: »

Is that the moment we all strive to experience. I feel extremely positive lately but I haven't had a moment like you describe.

Extremely positive is great to hear shezar. Mine could have been drug induced (but not in line with the effects of said drugs). It was a moment of letting go of everything and realisation that through the thin film of tension that I seemed to bubble-wrap my brain, so so close, was the opposite release and lightness. Like how you think of where your sensations are, where you think 'you' are in relation to say your eyes (behind them), your ears (between them), mouth (above it), nose (on top of it), it all just converged into the type of 'being' you might remember from childhood. Where there wasn't this thick glass bowl weighing your head and senses down.

probably sound like a loon I suppose.

is mise spartacus

Very shaky today... Anxiety quite bad too

handbagmad

is mise spartacus wrote: »

Very shaky today... Anxiety quite bad too

Seems lot of us in the same boat today,
Hope u feel better soon

is mise spartacus

*group hug*

BobCobb

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Oh god no pun intended I can relate to this. I feel where you are.

I would be interested if anyone can relate to what I say:

I sometimes feel emotion coming in, real before-death kind of emotion, where I finally relent and it all comes out. 30 seconds later I think, no, I'm just being indulgent, I'm acting. Why does every thing that I feel seem untruthful, a second ago it felt like I was being honest. I want to be good person, but feel for some reason that I could be a bad person? Am I a bad person masquerading as a good person?

Similarly, snapshots from my childhood that feel significant come in. Am I fabricating a narrative to justify why I feel so broken? Have I been creating a self-fulfilling prophecy for most of my life? If it is all just a big fabrication, why do I do it? Is there a chance that something significant happened? Or did I just make a mistake and keep making it? Was it just that I couldn't handle that transition into adulthood where you find out you're not 'great'. Why did I think I was so great and why can't I let that go and just be normal?

Could it be that it is all meaningless chatter as a result of not taking care of myself? Symptoms of just a neglected body and mind?

Sometimes I feel like I have been interfered with. I want to be able to say that without anyone taking it the wrong way or jumping to conclusions about what I mean. I don't mean what it sounds like. It's just a feeling but I almost can't say it because nobody did anything to me and I just have too much time to think. But I feel damaged, possibly irreparably so. I suppose you naturally look for reasons, and are frustrated when they're not forthcoming. And then you're left with the uncomfortable truth that it's nobody's fault but your own - or maybe just nobody's fault, just things happen all the time. Too nebulous to be worth trying to figure out. As I'm thinking out loud here, this is most likely the case. And to move forward is the answer, however difficult that may be.

How to get out of quicksand? I suppose the obvious and cliched answer is you need someone's hand. It would just be such a scary thing to really try again, to give up giving up. I don't want to be rejected when I actually am trying.

I too can relate to a lot of what you say here.
I've been in a kind of limbo for years now and the mental wanderings and thoughts can become encyclopedic, and probably mostly at a tangent to the central issues.
For myself, I have struggled to accept being gay and, coupled with smoking marijuana when it was not having any good effects on me, I just kind of got worse and worse and I just let it happen.

I experience the same thing with debating over whether I'm good or bad and as to how to get back to some kind of normality (or if that's even possible at this stage).
I have been making some small progress at times but it's tricky when everything is more difficult.

When I'm feeling better I can also see that I can relax around myself and if a bad thought or whatever arises I can shrug it off, and put it in context, whereas if I'm stressed then my ability to cope is banjaxed, and everything is more discordant.
I know what you mean about being interfered with too...it feels at times a bit like a part of my brain fell out or something!
As you say, moving forward is the only way.

Right, I must be tired, I thought this would be more eloquent and less rambling. Apologies!

NegativeCreep

If you use a prescription, can you then use that prescription again in the future? What I mean is, how long do they last? Effort of going back just to get the same thing again.

is mise spartacus

NegativeCreep wrote: »

If you use a prescription, can you then use that prescription again in the future? What I mean is, how long do they last? Effort of going back just to get the same thing again.

Ask for a repeat prescription

Esel

NegativeCreep wrote: »

If you use a prescription, can you then use that prescription again in the future? What I mean is, how long do they last? Effort of going back just to get the same thing again.

Only if it a repeat prescription, afaik. If the pharmacist gave the prescription back to you, it probably says repeat x times. If not, but you regularly use the same pharmacy and had agreed to allow them to keep your prescriptions on file, you could ask them if it is a repeat one.

Dr.Alucard

While the thread seems to be about reflecting, heres something i always used to get really upset thinking about.

up until a while ago, i was always yearning for the person i was in the past, the person i was before anxiety and depression got their choking grip on me, i yearned for the teenager that had copious amount of friends, the lad that everyone used to ring if they were going on a night out, the fella that was good with girls and could make people laugh, the sociable nice guy. i used to get upset thinking about the person i was, and comparing my old self to the anxiety ridden, depressed, socially crippled person that i turned into. I blamed my lifestyle choices for what happened to me, a mix of substances and alcohol, i quit them but did not get better..earlier this year i made peace with myself. i had to let go of the past and replaying the old events in my head. i had to live for the me that is in the now and not be stuck mourning the death of my past self.

Dr.Alucard

NegativeCreep wrote: »

If you use a prescription, can you then use that prescription again in the future? What I mean is, how long do they last? Effort of going back just to get the same thing again.

my doc lets me ring his secretary and tell her i need a new 3 month script, saves forking out 50 quid for a visit and me taking someones place that needs a docs visit. Im sure thats done all the time by other patients too. ring your docs sec and ask for a repeat.

NegativeCreep

Thanks guys!

TiMe2PaRtYYYYY

This is the way i see life as someone who has suffered fitting in or conforming to what we are brainwashed as children into believing is right or wrong. the only thing that matters in this life is love and when you realise that death is just a passage just enjoy your life

Roquentin

TiMe2PaRtYYYYY wrote: »

This is the way i see life as someone who has suffered fitting in or conforming to what we are brainwashed as children into believing is right or wrong. the only thing that matters in this life is love and when you realise that death is just a passage just enjoy your life

Call Me Jimmy

Dr.Alucard wrote: »

While the thread seems to be about reflecting, heres something i always used to get really upset thinking about.

up until a while ago, i was always yearning for the person i was in the past, the person i was before anxiety and depression got their choking grip on me, i yearned for the teenager that had copious amount of friends, the lad that everyone used to ring if they were going on a night out, the fella that was good with girls and could make people laugh, the sociable nice guy. i used to get upset thinking about the person i was, and comparing my old self to the anxiety ridden, depressed, socially crippled person that i turned into. I blamed my lifestyle choices for what happened to me, a mix of substances and alcohol, i quit them but did not get better..earlier this year i made peace with myself. i had to let go of the past and replaying the old events in my head. i had to live for the me that is in the now and not be stuck mourning the death of my past self.

Thanks for the post! Same spot here. Just curious was there a structure to how you dealt with it or was it more of an insightful thing? Was it part of a new recovery regime of say socialising more, therapy, taking better care of yourself. Or literally just talking to yourself over time and gradually letting it go?

Dr.Alucard

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Thanks for the post! Same spot here. Just curious was there a structure to how you dealt with it or was it more of an insightful thing? Was it part of a new recovery regime of say socialising more, therapy, taking better care of yourself. Or literally just talking to yourself over time and gradually letting it go?

I wish it was something more profound, but it was just acceptance, i was annoyed at me for being upset everytime i thought about myself in the years before anxiety. my meds have helped fix the mess that was in my head but they could not bring back the past me, and so i had to just accept that person i was is gone and just let it go and the yearning just kinda ceased. my conclusion was while i might not be able to become the person i was back then, i can still exist and live as me in the now. not as happy as i would have been if i wasnt hit with anxiety/depression, but a person that can exist and function and live without a chaotic brain that seeked the glory days of my younger self producing a recycling flow of sadness.