Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

fr336

I have real issues with memory recall and the like in real life. Last night had the most vivid dream full of memories. Proof about how much anxiety can affect your mind and clutter it, even making you think you're going to lose lots of memories it's just not true.

fr336

NicoleW85 wrote: »

I'm struggling with binge eating again. I thought I had it under control up until about 4 months ago, then I fell off the wagon big time. I know this is an accumulation of things - mainly boredom due to my business failing and tiredness due to my pernicious Anaemia. I have zero motivation to do what I know I need to do and its frustrating the life out of me.

I don't have the perfect solution but to be really cliched here, the buzz I get from hard exercise is the only thing that tempts me away from the junk food...I feel so bloody alive and chilled, even if only for a few hours after it.

mg1982

fr336 wrote: »

I have real issues with memory recall and the like in real life. Last night had the most vivid dream full of memories. Proof about how much anxiety can affect your mind and clutter it, even making you think you're going to lose lots of memories it's just not true.

When it gets to a stage of almost forgetting who you are or feeling like you and everything around you seems unreal (depersonalisation) you know you got serious problems. The thing that gets me is how long it can sustain itself i mean this has been going on for over a decade now since i actually felt normal. Its more than likely permanent for me at this stage.

heyday30

Sorry to read some of you are struggling.
The 'light' will come visible to you in time and it will be like a reawakening.

I'm struggling with energy or lack there of. Also a little paranoia. I don't know if I'm bothering people or they want to be in my company if that makes sense.

Gremlinertia

Physical pain wearing me down big time today. Barely into my shift and I'm lost already.

scrimshanker

fr336 wrote: »

I have real issues with memory recall and the like in real life. Last night had the most vivid dream full of memories. Proof about how much anxiety can affect your mind and clutter it, even making you think you're going to lose lots of memories it's just not true.

Yeah, it's gotten better in the last couple of weeks, but there was a time there that I was having such weird and vivid dreams I couldn't seem to tell reality from what had happened in my dreams. It's very unpleasant when it happens.

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Physical pain wearing me down big time today. Barely into my shift and I'm lost already.

Sorry to hear it, Grem. Can you get a hot water bottle or anything that'd just give you a little comfort?

fr336

mg1982 wrote: »

When it gets to a stage of almost forgetting who you are or feeling like you and everything around you seems unreal (depersonalisation) you know you got serious problems. The thing that gets me is how long it can sustain itself i mean this has been going on for over a decade now since i actually felt normal. Its more than likely permanent for me at this stage.

No it's not.

mg1982

fr336 wrote: »

No it's not.

Hopefully not.

alaskayoung

Really need to sort out my eating. It's so fxcked up.

Roquentin

mg1982 wrote: »

When it gets to a stage of almost forgetting who you are or feeling like you and everything around you seems unreal (depersonalisation) you know you got serious problems. The thing that gets me is how long it can sustain itself i mean this has been going on for over a decade now since i actually felt normal. Its more than likely permanent for me at this stage.

normality is subjective though. each to their own. one has to try and embrace who they are. a lot of people dream of this idealistic life, but it seldom turns out the way they want. time spent wishing is time wasted

scrimshanker

alaskayoung wrote: »

Really need to sort out my eating. It's so fxcked up.

is it possible to make one small change this week?

Gremlinertia

Heat does nothing for the pain unfortunately, just try to treat myself well and distract myself..

Hugo Stiglitz

Iseedeadpixels wrote: »

New poster to this thread but Ive had bad anxiety for a year now and last Monday I had a huge anxiety attack at 2 in the morning, it was the final straw, my job provide a good service run by VHI and ill be meeting a Therapist within 2 weeks to sort it out, so hope to keep you all updated in the meantime and try help out with others if I can

Welcome to the thread, ISDP.

We have the the same VHI service. I've been meaning to get in contact for a couple of months now but I've been putting it off. I must do it soon though.

Glad to hear that you did get in contact though. Hopefully it'll help you out.

alaskayoung wrote: »

Really need to sort out my eating. It's so fxcked up.

I'm the same Alaska. I view food feasts as a reward and, even worse, a pick me up when times aren't going well. That's far from a healthy habit.

mg1982

Roquentin wrote: »

normality is subjective though. each to their own. one has to try and embrace who they are. a lot of people dream of this idealistic life, but it seldom turns out the way they want. time spent wishing is time wasted

I do see what your saying. I guess i never really accepted my new reality even after all these years. I still feel that life shouldnt be like this though. There should be more to life than merely existence.

Hugo Stiglitz

mg1982 wrote: »

I do see what your saying. I guess i never really accepted my new reality even after all these years. I still feel that life shouldnt be like this though. There should be more to life than merely existence.

So true, MG.

freudiangirl

I have realised that this pain I am in emotionally will never end. It is part of me that no matter how hard I try it will be there waiting to be triggered. It seems like a hopeless situation tbh.

It's been.going on for over a year now and still no glimmer of any light at end of tunnel.
I wish I had suceeded last year then there would be no issues like me and st pats etc....

greenfrogs

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Heat does nothing for the pain unfortunately, just try to treat myself well and distract myself..

I had some minor surgery today. One of the information leaflets included non - pharmacological pain treatments. It includes deep breathing, application of cold packs, repositioning or like you said, distraction. I hope it passes for you soon, Grem.

With regards to the eating, mine is out of control. I've put on a stone in the last few months. I don't even know how to tackle it. I suppose I find most days pretty boring so, I find food brings me some comfort. But, then I regret it when I see myself bursting out of my clothes. It doesn't make me happy in the long term. It actually disgusgs me. I don't know what to do about it. I just can't get myself into the mindset to eat well.

Gremlinertia

freudiangirl wrote: »

I have realised that this pain I am in emotionally will never end. It is part of me that no matter how hard I try it will be there waiting to be triggered. It seems like a hopeless situation tbh.

It's been.going on for over a year now and still no glimmer of any light at end of tunnel.
I wish I had suceeded last year then there would be no issues like me and st pats etc....

I've been suffering from whatever it is I'm suffering from since my mid teens. I spiralled way out of control in my twenties with every risky behaviour you can think of from food to drugs to sex. I'm now 36 and can see how I'm improving. For some reason even through the darkest nights and moments. Through the tragic loss of friends, through all of that sh1t I somehow clung on despite seeing no reason to.. In this last year or less I've been more stable and regained a couple of friendships. Oh believe me there are still awfully desperate dark days and weeks but I'm more here and myself than I have been since I was fifteen. Please keep the little flame of hope flickering..

mg1982

greenfrogs wrote: »

I had some minor surgery today. One of the information leaflets included non - pharmacological pain treatments. It includes deep breathing, application of cold packs, repositioning or like you said, distraction. I hope it passes for you soon, Grem.

With regards to the eating, mine is out of control. I've put on a stone in the last few months. I don't even know how to tackle it. I suppose I find most days pretty boring so, I find food brings me some comfort. But, then I regret it when I see myself bursting out of my clothes. It doesn't make me happy in the long term. It actually disgusgs me. I don't know what to do about it. I just can't get myself into the mindset to eat well.

Some medications can give you an insatiable appetite. So it might not be all down to you GF.

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I've been suffering from whatever it is I'm suffering from since my mid teens. I spiralled way out of control in my twenties with every risky behaviour you can think of from food to drugs to sex. I'm now 36 and can see how I'm improving. For some reason even through the darkest nights and moments. Through the tragic loss of friends, through all of that sh1t I somehow clung on despite seeing no reason to.. In this last year or less I've been more stable and regained a couple of friendships. Oh believe me there are still awfully desperate dark days and weeks but I'm more here and myself than I have been since I was fifteen. Please keep the little flame of hope flickering..

I don't. I am seeking help in the last place I can think of to help and tbh I cannot see a light.
People can list reasons why I should stay alive but unless I believe them there is no point. I don't believe them and I can't see the point of remaining a burden both to my family and myself.

I don't have a littlest flame of hope, it has been quenched out and I do not think it will ever be re lit.
This inner turmoil and pain is just too much. I am doing all I can but it's not good enough the pain keeps throbbing away and making me feel even more worthless as everyday happens.

I wake in the morning and think disappointedly "oh I woke up" & "f**k it another day I have to exist in and act as though life is worth it."

It has gotten to the point that my anxiety is preventing me from breathing comfortably as well as not being able to eat anything for days at a time. Even the word boo could trigger me lately. Added to this the self harm,suicidal thoughts,plans and urges and guilt. I just can't anymore

I feel that I am not able to put up with this anymore.
I have felt like this for past 20 years and the past year has been tortuous. There is no end to this. I am destined to be in pain.

Sorry for long post.

scrimshanker

greenfrogs wrote: »

I had some minor surgery today. One of the information leaflets included non - pharmacological pain treatments. It includes deep breathing, application of cold packs, repositioning or like you said, distraction. I hope it passes for you soon, Grem.

Actually there's CBT available for pain management. Not sure how effective it is, though.

Gremlinertia

freudiangirl wrote: »

I don't. I am seeking help in the last place I can think of to help and tbh I cannot see a light.
People can list reasons why I should stay alive but unless I believe them there is no point. I don't believe them and I can't see the point of remaining a burden both to my family and myself.

I don't have a littlest flame of hope, it has been quenched out and I do not think it will ever be re lit.
This inner turmoil and pain is just too much. I am doing all I can but it's not good enough the pain keeps throbbing away and making me feel even more worthless as everyday happens.

I wake in the morning and think disappointedly "oh I woke up" & "f**k it another day I have to exist in and act as though life is worth it."

It has gotten to the point that my anxiety is preventing me from breathing comfortably as well as not being able to eat anything for days at a time. Even the word boo could trigger me lately. Added to this the self harm,suicidal thoughts,plans and urges and guilt. I just can't anymore

I feel that I am not able to put up with this anymore.
I have felt like this for past 20 years and the past year has been tortuous. There is no end to this. I am destined to be in pain.

Sorry for long post.

I often wonder if a crystal ball would be a good idea at times like this.. I know I'll pretty much always be sick, I know my other long term condition will slowly cause more pain.. I do not know what keeps me pushing on.. And I certainly don't have any right to tell you that it will get better, I just shared my own things to hopefully provide a sliver of hope and it hasn't, I'm sorry.

scrimshanker

Freudiangirl, do you have to go home? Can you take a break from your program but stay in the hospital? It sounds like you are in a bit of a self destructive mode. Can you talk with anyone on your team about whether going home really is a good idea?

freudiangirl

scrimshanker wrote: »

Freudiangirl, do you have to go home? Can you take a break from your program but stay in the hospital? It sounds like you are in a bit of a self destructive mode. Can you talk with anyone on your team about whether going home really is a good idea?

Ya my consultant insists on weeks out when you are in a certain length of time.
I just talked to a nurse there, she wants me to speak to my team tomorrow but I honestly do not have the mental energy to do this on top of my course and having to travel back to cork. I find my course triggering enough without stress of travelling and having to face the public when you are already shaky.

I wrote my letter to Prof.lucey about changing consultant so will deliver it in the morning and see what happens.
It's just pure stress anxiety urges etc right now. I am.not able

Gremlinertia

Freudiangirl, I think you should basically write out most of your last post and give it to one of your treatment team first thing in the morning. It explains perfectly how you feel about the stress of travel and may help defer your week out.

freudiangirl

Thanks for replying peeps. Going to try and sleep. Tomorrow is a busy day tbh.

Sweet dreams.

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Freudiangirl, I think you should basically write out most of your last post and give it to one of your treatment team first thing in the morning. It explains perfectly how you feel about the stress of travel and may help defer your week out.

I feel as though I will be talking to a wall tbh.

Gremlinertia

freudiangirl wrote: »

I feel as though I will be talking to a wall tbh.

I hear you on that.. All you can do is try. I do hope you get some rest in the meantime.. Keep posting, the people on this thread will try support as best we can.

Diamond Doll

Freudiangirl I think changing your consultant is a really good idea. Sometimes it doesn't matter even if they're a "good" doctor, if they're just not suited to you or empathetic to your situation. If you were to leave St Pats, you're clearly a risk to yourself and they shouldn't be forcing this on you when you're not ready for it. I know it's not exactly fun in there, and that it seems like groundhog day a lot of the time, but it's the best place for you right now I think. Stick with it. You're worth getting better. x

An update on my situation. My partner has left me, for good and forever. I've been so difficult to live with for the last eighteen months since our baby was born, but I never thought he'd actually leave, and it sucks. I always suspected that the only reason he was sticking around was to be with our child, and it seems I was actually right in the end, because he took our child with him. Legally he has no right to guardianship of him right now, but I don't believe the child is in any danger with him, so no point getting Gardai etc involved. He'll be applying for custody through the courts, as will my parents.

I need to get myself better and once I do it's likely I'll get primary custody, with him having regular access. He's a great dad and I don't want to let things get messy. Because they've been quite ugly these last few days. In the meantime it seems he'll be "allowing" me limited access to my son, which is good.

It's kind of funny, it's like the worst thing in the world has come to pass, and all of a sudden I see how it's not so bad. I still love him and I miss the hell out of him, but I can envisage my life without him. It's somewhat of a strange relief that I'm not constantly waiting for him to throw in the towel on our relationship.

When I was in St Pats, the counsellor told me that he's basically been enabling my destructive behaviour for a long time by being almost too supportive. She was dead right. In the end I pushed him too far, and he's gone now, and I wish he wasn't ... but on the other hand, it's like it's pushed a switch inside me to get better again.

I know that I don't have the confidence in myself to be a good mother right now, but some bit of determination and confidence has risen in myself again. I can be an excellent mother and having to prove myself to the doctors and courts is going to bring out the best part of me. I will get custody of my son again, and not out of any spite or resentment towards his father - but because I believe I can be an excellent parent, and that my son needs me. Of course he needs his father too - his father is a wonderful man and an excellent father - but I'll be his primary carer, which is the way it should be.

Sorry for the essay! Basically from the outside, it's like I've reached my lowest point, the lowest of the low. But on the inside, I've finally started to rise up and fight for myself and my mental health again. And it feels good. I'm finally on the road to recovery.

Gremlinertia

You brought a smile to my face reading that Mocha. Sometimes the most positive thing that happens is the worst thing which makes you realise that actually, yes, you can survive this, in fact hitting absolutely rock bottom makes you see it's up from here.. I know it's not all sweetness and light from here but I huge step has happened.. My love to you, stay the course, I'll be thinking of you.