Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

kronsington

Dr.Alucard wrote: »

While the thread seems to be about reflecting, heres something i always used to get really upset thinking about.

up until a while ago, i was always yearning for the person i was in the past, the person i was before anxiety and depression got their choking grip on me, i yearned for the teenager that had copious amount of friends, the lad that everyone used to ring if they were going on a night out, the fella that was good with girls and could make people laugh, the sociable nice guy. i used to get upset thinking about the person i was, and comparing my old self to the anxiety ridden, depressed, socially crippled person that i turned into. I blamed my lifestyle choices for what happened to me, a mix of substances and alcohol, i quit them but did not get better..earlier this year i made peace with myself. i had to let go of the past and replaying the old events in my head. i had to live for the me that is in the now and not be stuck mourning the death of my past self.

What an elegant and articulate post.. I could have written nearly every word of this myself.. I often ask myself what happened to me? Everything was ok until ink left school and even at school I had all the text book anxiety symptoms. It's only now, in my early 30's that I am finally trying to deal with all this..

sumtingwong

Hi everyone,

Long time boardsie but posting under new profile here, obvious reasons.....

So my story.....first time I remember having any issues was 2010,.when I started thinking obsessively about 1 thing (dying and death) and couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried. Obviously the harder I tried to block it, the worse it was and it caused a lot of anxiety and depression and i was so scared... I was put on Lexapro and xanex, the xanex only for a couple of weeks and the lex for about 9 month along with some CBT , I obvs felt ok enough to come off it and within 18 months of the initial, I started to feel 'normal' again.

Then in late 2012, it started to hit me again....and I was so scared about going back to how i was before that it made me anxious again, very anxious..... I didn't think I could handle another 18-24 months of it so I tried everything apart from anti-ds....

It started to get a bit better over the summer just gone, I met someone, but she has gone to oz for the year and now this has started to affect me again.....

I feel overcome with anxiety at times, its a constant argument in myself telling myself I'll be fine but then thinking other times that I won't.....

In short i obsessively think through my problem at every minute of the day and all other things I do, I am doing while thinking about my OCD/anxiety/depression...I have OCD about my OCD

I am happy to admit that I have OCD and that its bringing on anxiety and depression which makes it hard to function so here is my question......I plan to go back on lex now, for however long it takes and keep going with my CBT...its ok because I realise now that I am sick and taking meds is only natural.... But I know that this will take a few weeks to kick in...I plan to check in here and keep posting as a bit of support because I am gonna try as much as possible to keep this private ( I have told my parents and my gf (yes the girl in oz.....I must be crazy) but any support or feedback on my plan is welcome....


Thanks, sorry for the essay

Gremlinertia

You have a good strategy in place, and you're in the right forum for it too. Main things for now are don't criticise yourself too much, let the medication take it's time to work, and keep posting here too. You're not alone!

Hugo Stiglitz

Dr.Alucard wrote: »

I had to just accept that person I was is gone and just let it go.

It's something I find really hard to accept though. Fair play to you for being able to get there.

handbagmad

Today for one whole hour I just Sat in silence. No tv no radio no internet.
just sat alone, tried not to think of anything. Just to be.

I feel a bit more grounded for it I have to say.

Gongoozler

So is it not normal to contemplate suicide every time I feel bad?

I question everything, and this is normal to me. I really don't know how much longer I will give myself. I have failed at life. I literally have no one to talk to. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter. I'm still wrong. I still fail at life. I do everything wrong. Every ****ing thing. I try so ****ing hard to be a good person and to be good to people and to do the right thing, and still here I am, the one in the wrong all the time. The one with no one to care about me. I'm sick of trying. Not everyone is meant to live surely? I mean 7 billion people currently alive, surely sometimes you can just be a failure and say, oh ok, well that didn't work out.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gongoozler wrote: »

So is it not normal to contemplate suicide every time I feel bad?

I question everything, and this is normal to me. I really don't know how much longer I will give myself. I have failed at life. I literally have no one to talk to. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter. I'm still wrong. I still fail at life. I do everything wrong. Every ****ing thing. I try so ****ing hard to be a good person and to be good to people and to do the right thing, and still here I am, the one in the wrong all the time. The one with no one to care about me. I'm sick of trying. Not everyone is meant to live surely? I mean 7 billion people currently alive, surely sometimes you can just be a failure and say, oh ok, well that didn't work out.

No it's not normal at all however many here can relate to suicide ideation. I know I sure do.

Even if things seem very harsh presently, you have not failed at life. Any setbacks you currently face can be gotten past.

Gongoozler

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

No it's not normal at all however many here can relate to suicide ideation. I know I sure do.

Even if things seem very harsh presently, you have not failed at life. Any setbacks you currently face can be gotten past.

It's not a set back, it's my entire life. I know it's normal for people to say that, I don't blame you. But it's not. It's, I haven't achieved a single thing, I'm not smart, I'm a **** friend, I piss people off by just being me. I am basically a burden on anybody that knows me. I am doing nobody any good by being here. I contribute nothing. I have no interests. I'm never going to achieve anything. Everything is too ****ing hard.

Esel

Gongoozler wrote: »

So is it not normal to contemplate suicide every time I feel bad?

I question everything, and this is normal to me. I really don't know how much longer I will give myself. I have failed at life. I literally have no one to talk to. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter. I'm still wrong. I still fail at life. I do everything wrong. Every ****ing thing. I try so ****ing hard to be a good person and to be good to people and to do the right thing, and still here I am, the one in the wrong all the time. The one with no one to care about me. I'm sick of trying. Not everyone is meant to live surely? I mean 7 billion people currently alive, surely sometimes you can just be a failure and say, oh ok, well that didn't work out.

You can talk to the Samaritans on 116123 or e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Suicide helpline 1800247100

It is obvious that you are feeling really down. Are you currently getting any treatment?

Gongoozler

Esel wrote: »

You can talk to the Samaritans on 116123 or e-mail jo@samaritans.org

Suicide helpline 18002471000

It is obvious that you are feeling really down. Are you currently getting any treatment?

No offence, but they're utter sh*te.

No treatment, the only treatment I was given was anti depressants, and i'm coming off them. I've only been worse while on them.

I don't need treatment, I just need to not be so sh!t.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gongoozler wrote: »

I haven't achieved a single thing, I'm not smart, I'm a **** friend, I piss people off by just being me. I am basically a burden on anybody that knows me. I am doing nobody any good by being here. I contribute nothing. I have no interests. I'm never going to achieve anything. Everything is too ****ing hard.

I could have written that myself post myself. I feel like a total burden to family and co-workers almost constantly.

I don't know what else to say other than I feel very much in the same boat as you.

Did anything happen recently that made you post in here this evening?

Gongoozler

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

I could have written that myself post myself. I feel like a total burden to family and co-workers almost constantly.

I don't know what else to say other than I feel very much in the same boat as you.

Did anything happen recently that made you post in here this evening?

Don't mean to put anyone in an awkward position. you dont need to say anything.

yeah my boyfriend being a dick to me happened. making me feel like **** for wanting him to be sorry for upsetting me. due to go on holidays together tomorrow, have to try and be upbeat to everyone at work asking questions about it, trying to be nice. when all i wanted to do was go home and cry.

Esel

Gongoozler wrote: »

No offence, but they're utter sh*te.

No treatment, the only treatment I was given was anti depressants, and i'm coming off them. I've only been worse while on them.

I don't need treatment, I just need to not be so sh!t.

None taken. My outlook is 'any port in a storm' and all that.

Maybe stick the numbers into your phone just in case?

Btw, I made a typo (edited now) on the second number. It is 1800247100

Gongoozler

Esel wrote: »

None taken. My outlook is 'any port in a storm' and all that.

Maybe stick the numbers into your phone just in case?

Btw, I made a typo (edited now) on the second number. It is 1800247100

Thanks but I won't bother, they did nothing but frustrate me before, I felt like I had to make conversation with them, and to assure her i'd be ok. best of intentions i'm sure.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gongoozler wrote: »

Don't mean to put anyone in an awkward position. you dont need to say anything.

yeah my boyfriend being a dick to me happened. making me feel like **** for wanting him to be sorry for upsetting me. due to go on holidays together tomorrow, have to try and be upbeat to everyone at work asking questions about it, trying to be nice. when all i wanted to do was go home and cry.

Oh you didn't put me in an awkward position at all. I felt the need to reply though as many others here have done the same for me before.

It sounds like you really are having a rough time at the moment. There's nothing worse than having to act all positive when all you wanna do is run out bawling.

Gongoozler

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

Oh you didn't put me in an awkward position at all. I felt the need to reply though as many others here have done the same for me before.

It sounds like you really are having a rough time at the moment. There's nothing worse than having to act all positive when all you wanna do is run out bawling.

The funny thing is, in the last 20 mins or so both my dad and my sister have texted about my holidays. And now I feel like **** for thinking bad things about them.

And my boyfriend has finally softened, and stopped coming off as nasty to me, and I don't know if I can get past this. And I think he won't either. and I have work again tomorrow. and then theres the decision of whether to go on the holiday or not

Hugo Stiglitz

Gongoozler wrote: »

The funny thing is, in the last 20 mins or so both my dad and my sister have texted about my holidays. And now I feel like **** for thinking bad things about them.

And my boyfriend has finally softened, and stopped coming off as nasty to me, and I don't know if I can get past this. And I think he won't either. and I have work again tomorrow. and then theres the decision of whether to go on the holiday or not

I know this will sound like a total cliché but maybe sleeping on that decision will help

cloud493

This college thing tomorrow isn't working for me. Its making me throw up.

Gongoozler

Hugo Stiglitz wrote: »

I know this will sound like a total cliché but maybe sleeping on that decision will help

This happened sunday. I've slept on it all. no decision on my part anyway. It'll all be him

Cloud, know the feeling. Felt sick all day today. Haven't felt sick with upset in a long time.

CZ 453

cloud493 wrote: »

This college thing tomorrow isn't working for me. Its making me throw up.

First day of college?

cloud493

First day of classes, monday was just induction.

CZ 453

What part of the day are you worried about?

cloud493

Like all of it. The hour and a half travel time, then 5 hours or so of classes.

CZ 453

How do you travel? Can you listen to some music or read a book when travelling? Aim for getting to lunch and then aim for the end of the day. Break up the day. Keep busy and it will fly

Hugo Stiglitz

Cloud,
Chances are most of those classes won't run properly the first week back. I would imagine this week would be very little coursework and actual lectures.

I hope that relieves it somewhat for you friend

sumtingwong

Gongoozler wrote: »

This happened sunday. I've slept on it all. no decision on my part anyway. It'll all be him

Cloud, know the feeling. Felt sick all day today. Haven't felt sick with upset in a long time.

Hi, just reading your posts, I'm new to this forum today, have my own issues bit it sounds like you are having a rough day.... Or couple of days.....but it's not ALWAYS THAT BAD. Trust me when I say I know what it's like to be down for a long period otlf time...but when you feel really really low, then in a couple of days when you are feeling just normal ****, then you can look back and say at least I'm better then I was last wkend.....

Its ok not to be ok sometimes :-)

is mise spartacus

Side effects from medication finally subsiding

Smushie1

I recently started college again and I also got a job in college. The initial induction and training got me really stressed out and anxious but I felt a lot more settled until today. I was obliged to attend customer service training on monday but I was up the walls with work and lectures it slipped my mind til today. Now I don't know whether to contact management and explain and risk being let go or just ignore it and hope for the best. I was managing fine and all right up until earlier. It seems the slightest setback knocks me for six, it's like a horrible routine I've developed over the last few years.

alaskayoung

Feeling so abandoned by my doctor

Esel

Smushie1 wrote: »

I recently started college again and I also got a job in college. The initial induction and training got me really stressed out and anxious but I felt a lot more settled until today. I was obliged to attend customer service training on monday but I was up the walls with work and lectures it slipped my mind til today. Now I don't know whether to contact management and explain and risk being let go or just ignore it and hope for the best. I was managing fine and all right up until earlier. It seems the slightest setback knocks me for six, it's like a horrible routine I've developed over the last few years.

If it was me, I would definitely put my hands up and hope for the best. If/when they find out you did not attend for training, they are going to ask you about it, and when that happens, you will be very much on the back foot.

It will reflect much better on you if you are proactive with this issue.