Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

greenfrogs

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I too have always been a fan of taking the piss out of myself before anyone else gets the digs in.. Problem I've lately realised is that I'm very very harsh and like an anti-affirmation, if said enough times you can end up believing it.. So I've all that to unravel. Work in progress I am....

We are all a work in progress.

One question, who do you think is going to get the digs in?

Gremlinertia

Frogs, I don't even know anymore! I used to get abuse from all sorts. That was anti-gay stuff. Weight stuff too. So now I get in there first just in case.. Real healthy of me, not.

greenfrogs

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Frogs, I don't even know anymore! I used to get abuse from all sorts. That was anti-gay stuff. Weight stuff too. So now I get in there first just in case.. Real healthy of me, not.

That's tough. I have found that for a long time I found it really hard to connect to people. This led to me some people being quite mean/rude to me. I used think I always had to be on the defensive. We all seem to have unhealthy coping mechanisms. I would have very negative opinions of myself but I wouldn't say them out loud. I just keep them to myself, that's not healthy either.

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

I used to get abuse from all sorts.

People often call us paranoid, but that shit actually does happen! I'd love for people to believe us.

Gremlinertia

People have often called me distant/snobbish/defensive because I couldn't summon the courage to say anything so I'd just keep my head stuck in my book..

Hugo Stiglitz

My fat jokes about myself aren't a coping mechanism, at least I don't think so anyway. I hate what I see in the mirror.

carzony

I also suffer terribly with my image. i'm extremely hard on myself and always feel scruffy no matter what i wear.. is that an effect of anxiety/depression?

Hugo Stiglitz

carzony wrote: »

I also suffer terribly with my image. i'm extremely hard on myself and always feel scruffy no matter what i wear.. is that an effect of anxiety/depression?

No doubt that's it's probably heightened by depression/anxiety.

greenfrogs

carzony wrote: »

I also suffer terribly with my image. i'm extremely hard on myself and always feel scruffy no matter what i wear.. is that an effect of anxiety/depression?

I used find it really hard to put any effort into the way I looked. In my previous job I felt like a hobo compared to the other women. With a man it's different as you (usually) wouldn't worry about straightening your hair or make-up. Maybe ensure that you wear clean clothes and iron them. And just keep hair and beard looking tidy. It actually makes a difference to how you feel when you put a bit of effort in. Maybe take your time getting ready for the next week or so. See what looks work for you, which hairstyle, clothes suit you best.

Gremlinertia

It's often very hard to figure out what's a symptom of the illness and what's worsened by the illness. This demon is a tricky beast.

freudiangirl

Hey all,

Still awake here.
I have realised I have an unhealthy ritual that needs to happen before I can sleep.

Meh,meh,meh


Tonight is one night I needed sleep. Have a mad busy day tomorrow and won't be back in Cork until 9:30 at latest

Anyone else awake?

Hugo Stiglitz

Gremlinertia wrote: »

It's often very hard to figure out what's a symptom of the illness and what's worsened by the illness. This demon is a tricky beast.

Yeah that's true.

I've taken to writing little notes on my phone during the lunchbreaks, just to collect some evidence if you will into my minds processes at that time.

Gremlinertia

Yeah I'm here for another eight or so hours. I find it very hard to sleep sometimes too. Luckily I don't have too many commitments outside work so I manage.. I hope you sleep soon..

freudiangirl

Hey grem.still awake. Going to be woken in 5 hours yeuck

Gremlinertia

Oh that's going to be one draining day so.. I don't envy you one bit. Least I know I'll be in bed by noon.. Will you be able to sleep on journey at all?

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Oh that's going to be one draining day so.. I don't envy you one bit. Least I know I'll be in bed by noon.. Will you be able to sleep on journey at all?

Well have course til 4:30 pm.
Not travelling til 6/7pm train
Have to be out of room by 10 am.


Tired at thought of day

Gremlinertia

Oh fcukin hell.. Will you try at all to get some rest?.

Diamond Doll

It's like once I sort out one part of my life another part goes to crap.

Finally getting on top of my diet, but my sleeping pattern is slipping again the last few nights. I can get to sleep OK, but often with nightmares, and generally wake up around 4.30/5.00. It's partly my fault - since my ex left and I'm in the house alone, I've gotten into the habit of sleeping with the lights on. Will try and fix that from tonight onwards! Need to stop being such a pansy.

freudiangirl

Well I have tried to sleep....No. luck.
It's almost worth my while not sleeping

freudiangirl

Gremlinertia wrote: »

Oh fcukin hell.. Will you try at all to get some rest?.

Well I have no room from.10 in morning so no chance of sleep until I get home tomorrow. These things happen. Think it is because of fact of self medicating over weekend

I should say it to staff bur don't want them stating that I am only saying it because of discharge

freudiangirl

This little piggy wrote: »

It's like once I sort out one part of my life another part goes to crap.

Finally getting on top of my diet, but my sleeping pattern is slipping again the last few nights. I can get to sleep OK, but often with nightmares, and generally wake up around 4.30/5.00. It's partly my fault - since my ex left and I'm in the house alone, I've gotten into the habit of sleeping with the lights on. Will try and fix that from tonight onwards! Need to stop being such a pansy.

Want a lodger...

Gremlinertia

Pity Freudiangirl, it's such an extra struggle to do things when overtired, hope you manage without too much hassle..

Hey there Mocha, there's no rush, I tend to try run before I can walk which inevitably ends up with me falling over, I hope you try not to beat yourself up too much..

veganrun

Bit on edge this morning. Not sure if its because our team has our weekly meeting with our manager today. Its only 3 of us but I'm still a bit edgy. I also have a one on one meeting with him on Friday that I'm slightly apprehensive about.

Half tempted to take a diazepam to take the edge off but I kind of don't want to.

OneOfThem

I went through a period of quite severe depression a few years ago, along with the anxiety that often accompanies it. My self esteem was shot to pieces. I thought of killing myself frequently as I considered myself a drain and a negative influence on everyone I knew and the world in general. I knew it would hurt people but I figured it'd be a temporary hurt rather than the prolonged pain my continuing existence would cause. I tried indirectly several times and directly once.

I thought nothing but negative things about myself. About everything about myself. I was utterly convinced I was incredibly stupid and people just didn't mention it to my face. I was certain I was a bad person and people were nice enough to my face but were almost certainly saying what a prick I was behind my back. I thought I was horrifically ugly and any girl that had been with me previously had just overlooked my physical appearance for some reason.

Any time I seemed to be getting positive attention from a girl I'd be certain there must be some kind of ulterior motive as they couldn't possibly find me attractive. If I was walking down the street and I heard someone laugh I'd be convinced that someome had made a joke about my appearance. I ran into a girl I went to school with once and she told me she fancied me like crazy when we were in school but was too shy to do anything about it. I thought she was taking the piss out of me to amuse herself as despite not thinking the negative things about myself back then that I did now, in my current state of mind it sounded like an absolute ubsurdity that anyone at any point could have found me attractive.

I remember looking at myself in the mirror frequently. Hating myself. I'd see the small mole, practically a freckle, on my face and think it must be the first thing people saw when they looked at me, and how awful it looked. I never had Hollywood actor straight teeth, one of my incisors is a little angled, two of my teeth at the bottom overlap slightly, that's about it. I thought I looked like a villain out of an old western with a set of mismatched vaguely teeth like fangs pointing every which way they could. I stopped laughing and smiling around people altogether (not that I did very much of that back then anyway) so people wouldn't see and then be thinking bad things about me. I thought one of my eyes was a different shade of blue than the other and the difference must be like night and day to everyone else and make me look like a freak (they're identical). I thought my ears stuck out at the tops (I still think they kind of do a bit but any time I've mentioned it to someone they hadn't a clue what I was on about) and that people must think I look like a goblin out of a fairly tale because of it. I thought I was too skinny, or too fat, or not muscular enough, depending on the day and what angle I happened to catch myself in a mirror after a shower. I thought my hands looked wierd, nothing I could pin down, just all round weird, and would often have them in my pockets or up my jacket sleeves so that people wouldn't make fun of me about them (no one's every said anything to me about my hands... hands are hands). I could go on all day tbh.

Self perception is a very very strange thing. When you're in a black hole you lie to yourself about yourself constantly. You seek out negative things and amplify them with a spiteful microscope. When you run out of things to amplify you invent new ones. No one's better at lying to you than you are, you know all your tricks and triggers, all the buttons to press.

I've been anxiety and depression free for years now. My self esteem is healthy. I have ups and downs mood wise like anyone, I'm confident and self assured but of course still have moments of self doubt triggered by this or that. But I'm healthy mentally. I've tried to look in a mirror and see myself as I did back then before (which is probably an incredibly stupid thing to do) and I simply can't. There's just no credibility to it. I may as well be trying to look in a mirror and see Samuel. L Jackson looking back.

You've got to be wary of self perception when your mind's set to seek out negatives. It's devious and it's untrustworthy.

You won't always think what you do. You won't always see yourself the way that you do. You won't always feel bad. You won't always believe the skewed and twisted narrative that's obscuring reality. Things can get better.

My stunningly beautiful girlfriend of 3 and a half years teases me about being too cocky and in love with myself these days.

Things can and do change. Hang in there everyone. It's hard but it's worth it.

alaskayoung

I met with my psychiatrist this morning. She basically said I was right to come off the Cymbalta straight away after the reaction I had. Thank God I didn't listen to that condescending psychiatric nurse I spoke to, if she asks to see me again I'm going to refuse. I always come away from my meetings with her feeling like ****. So I'm starting Agomelatine now and she basically said that this is the final option she has. Can you believe that? Out of all the antidepressants in the world I've managed to rule them all out in 8 months. It's completely ridiculous at this point

She asked me a bit about starting college and I really don't think she has much faith in me. She was like "well just give it your best shot...", like thanks a million for the vote of confidence, as if I don't doubt myself enough already :mad: I also have a feeling that she's not going to allow my parents to let me move out of home like I want to in the next few months. I have zero access to my medication at the moment, she has my parents give it to me one day at a time and the pharmacist is only allowed give me one week at a time so if I were to move out I'd have to take responsibility for the weeks worth myself and she has no trust in me whatsoever since I overdosed. I'm so tired of being held back by my illness. I really don't think anymore time is going to make any difference in the world, I'm certainly not getting any better so what's the point in continually holding me back. I also hate the way after everything that's happened the last few months my confidentiality has been completely thrown out the window and she calls my mom to chat with her about me without even asking my permission. I'm 18 years old, everything is supposed to go through me not my mother. I get that she's trying to protect me but I'm so tired of being treated like a child. Ugh. Okay, rant over.

scrimshanker

Sounds frustrating and unfair, alaskayoung. Regards the contact with your parents, do you think you could manage to raise that with your psychiatrist without it affecting you too much? I agree that it does come across as a lack of trust. The only other thing I can think of is that she may think it's making life easier for you - you don't have to have those conversations yourself and you don't have to worry about having a stash of meds you could OD on sitting around. Maybe if you explained that you want to take back control of these things she might agree? It'd be better than trying to force the issue.

With the college thing, I didn't finish my masters just this year. I was talking to my programme chair recently and she said to me "you know, you only have to pass it, you don't have to get 100%". A previous college counsellor I saw said that most of the people she sees are med students and postgraduates - all the high achievers. They put so much pressure on themselves and are so used to excellent results, then find that they aren't exceptional among their new peers, and exam results in the 60s are bloody good and anything over 70 (university A grade lower limit) is very hard to achieve. It's a difficult thing to adapt to, especially if you've built your self esteem on academic ability. Your psychiatrist has been through all of that. She knows it's difficult. If I was to take anything from her statement it's that you can only do your best. Don't punish yourself if you don't ace everything, don't expect to adapt immediately. Just give it your best shot. That's all anyone expects, and try not to expect more of yourself.

alaskayoung

scrimshanker wrote: »

Sounds frustrating and unfair, alaskayoung. Regards the contact with your parents, do you think you could manage to raise that with your psychiatrist without it affecting you too much? I agree that it does come across as a lack of trust. The only other thing I can think of is that she may think it's making life easier for you - you don't have to have those conversations yourself and you don't have to worry about having a stash of meds you could OD on sitting around. Maybe if you explained that you want to take back control of these things she might agree? It'd be better than trying to force the issue.

With the college thing, I didn't finish my masters just this year. I was talking to my programme chair recently and she said to me "you know, you only have to pass it, you don't have to get 100%". A previous college counsellor I saw said that most of the people she sees are med students and postgraduates - all the high achievers. They put so much pressure on themselves and are so used to excellent results, then find that they aren't exceptional among their new peers, and exam results in the 60s are bloody good and anything over 70 (university A grade lower limit) is very hard to achieve. It's a difficult thing to adapt to, especially if you've built your self esteem on academic ability. Your psychiatrist has been through all of that. She knows it's difficult. If I was to take anything from her statement it's that you can only do your best. Don't punish yourself if you don't ace everything, don't expect to adapt immediately. Just give it your best shot. That's all anyone expects, and try not to expect more of yourself.

Thank you so much, a lot of that actually makes so much sense, I hadn't seen things quite like that before. I feel so much better now :rolleyes:

Roquentin

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3209902/The-video-make-woman-rethink-entire-life.html

Roquentin

also, the real world is much harder. college doesnt prepare you for work. in the real world you are dealing with people not books.

Diamond Doll

Roquentin wrote: »

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3209902/The-video-make-woman-rethink-entire-life.html

Wow that's actually a really good video!