Anxiety and/or depression discussion.

mg1982

heyday30 wrote: »

Hi guys. Hope ur all doing ok.

Been fighting with myself all week. Feeling very frustrated at feeling unwell all tthe time. very disheartening I feel like An aul crock.

Gonna try go with it for a few days. Stressing about feeling unwell is actually aggravating it I think.

Hope you can get through this rough patch H.

alaskayoung

I hadn't realised how woeful my ability to concentrate is. I've been out of school for months now and haven't really done anything since that requires listening or focus all Summer so I guess I never noticed. Sitting in lectures I am finding it so hard to pay attention, at times it's impossible. Sometimes I can hear the person speaking but I don't have a clue what they're talking about. I'm not even thinking about anything, I just go completely blank. I got so anxious yesterday because I was looking around at everyone in the room who were all listening attentively and I just couldn't do it. I really can't afford to be like this right now. I never used to have this problem. I can't even sit down and watch a tv programme for an hour because I can't concentrate on it.
I think I am overmedicated. I am on an antipsychotic, a mood stabiliser, 2 antidepressants and then Valium... Every time i see her she keeps upping my mood stabiliser and my head just feels fuzzy now after this increase.

freudiangirl

Hugs to everyone.. well done scrim, you are so brave..

I had day out with my son and ex today. Not allowed on my own with them yet well according to my ex.
I get so cross at myself. I cope to a point then everything could upset me.. then I feel guilty as I shouldn't be that way around kids. I think my ex sees me as being in way. .I mentioned last night that I eventually will have to find somewhere to live that suits sleep over for the boys and he just changed. It's weird. I got feeling if he got full custody he would be delighted as he would have complete control. Iknow he liked being in control in regards to lots of elements of when we were together and I think idea of me getting my life back together somehow soon and actually coping with kids scares him. I know he will never trust me 100%.

It's so tough. I think I'm doing okay but really I am not.
Meds- seroquel are increased to 300mg a night since last night. I honestly do not think they will help much

Also I have found that everyone is asking am I drinking? I haven't drank in months but wondering why. Hence my paranoia kicking in.

I am still feeling dizzy, weird pains in my body and sick from od and think this is why I might be feeling rotten too.
It's just all starting to cave in on me.
My boss wants me to go back to work so said I will tomorrow as have loads of appointments during the week .

I dunno am just totally overwhelmed.

On a good note, have pieta house next week for counselling and am giving a speech at conference next week so have to get through to cope with that

alaskayoung

scrimshanker wrote: »

Decided to give them a name and make this all go away. Psychiatrist uncontactable until Monday. Wonderful.

You are incredibly brave Scrim. Best of luck with your new job, I hope it goes well for you.

Joya

heyday30 wrote: »

Hi guys. Hope ur all doing ok.

Been fighting with myself all week. Feeling very frustrated at feeling unwell all tthe time. very disheartening I feel like An aul crock.

Gonna try go with it for a few days. Stressing about feeling unwell is actually aggravating it I think.

Really sorry to hear that HD, it you want to chat please feel free to let me know my pm is totally open for ya and i'd love that..
hugs!!!

Euphoria Intensifies

alaskayoung wrote: »

I hadn't realised how woeful my ability to concentrate is. I've been out of school for months now and haven't really done anything since that requires listening or focus all Summer so I guess I never noticed. Sitting in lectures I am finding it so hard to pay attention, at times it's impossible. Sometimes I can hear the person speaking but I don't have a clue what they're talking about. I'm not even thinking about anything, I just go completely blank. I got so anxious yesterday because I was looking around at everyone in the room who were all listening attentively and I just couldn't do it. I really can't afford to be like this right now. I never used to have this problem. I can't even sit down and watch a tv programme for an hour because I can't concentrate on it.
I think I am overmedicated. I am on an antipsychotic, a mood stabiliser, 2 antidepressants and then Valium... Every time i see her she keeps upping my mood stabiliser and my head just feels fuzzy now after this increase.

Are you registered with the disability office in the college alaska? They might be able to provide a notetaker for you for classes. I've had one in the past - it can be really useful to have one less thing to worry about, so it might be easier to focus on just listening even in small bursts. Also recording your lectures could be an option too. I really do recommend meeting the disability office people and getting all of your supports sorted out as soon as you can. It makes such a big difference to your academic experience.

Same goes for anyone else reading that is in college. You don't have to have applied through the DARE scheme to access disability office supports. Just get in touch with the office and have some medical documentation as evidence (generally this needs to be a letter from a consultant).

alaskayoung

Euphoria Intensifies wrote: »

Are you registered with the disability office in the college alaska? They might be able to provide a notetaker for you for classes. I've had one in the past - it can be really useful to have one less thing to worry about, so it might be easier to focus on just listening even in small bursts. Also recording your lectures could be an option too. I really do recommend meeting the disability office people and getting all of your supports sorted out as soon as you can. It makes such a big difference to your academic experience.

Same goes for anyone else reading that is in college. You don't have to have applied through the DARE scheme to access disability office supports. Just get in touch with the office and have some medical documentation as evidence (generally this needs to be a letter from a consultant).

Thanks EI Yeah I was actually accepted into DARE earlier in the year so I'm already registered with them. We had the DARE orientation day on Thursday and they told us about their service and the supports they can offer. They're going to meet with us all one on one in the next week or so to go through our reports with us and discuss what supports we need and stuff. My pdoc has already requested that I get extra time in exams and be in small exam settings and stuff but I feel so guilty about it like I don't deserve this special treatment All of the staff are so so understanding and supportive though.

scrimshanker

I want to die again. I want to kill myself and cease to be. I wish I could wipe all traces of myself from the planet.

Hugo Stiglitz

scrimshanker wrote: »

I want to die again. I want to kill myself and cease to be. I wish I could wipe all traces of myself from the planet.

Those thoughts will pass, Scrim. You just gotta ride it out. Things will get better in the end there. Please don't do anything while upset, ok?

Euphoria Intensifies

alaskayoung wrote: »

Thanks EI Yeah I was actually accepted into DARE earlier in the year so I'm already registered with them. We had the DARE orientation day on Thursday and they told us about their service and the supports they can offer. They're going to meet with us all one on one in the next week or so to go through our reports with us and discuss what supports we need and stuff. My pdoc has already requested that I get extra time in exams and be in small exam settings and stuff but I feel so guilty about it like I don't deserve this special treatment All of the staff are so so understanding and supportive though.

Don't feel guilty. It's not special treatment, it's equality. We get these supports to try and make our college experience as equal as possible to those who don't have to deal with the issues we have to.

scrimshanker wrote: »

I want to die again. I want to kill myself and cease to be. I wish I could wipe all traces of myself from the planet.

Big hugs. These thoughts will pass, they will. Do you have anything to distract yourself with?

Ridemesideways

New to this forum but anxiety is eating me alive. Just spent the last 5 hours coming up with a budget for the month and keep think about im not saving enough money and re-doing it over and over again. This is constantly in my head in my head every day after work. Also planning on what I will buy for dinner every day for the month, lunch for work, Planning every day to the exact time of what I will do every day like trips etc.

I booked my NCT and rescheduled the dates 7 times in the last two hours. Something needs to be done to the car and ive written about 8 a4 pages of what exactly i need to get done and worrying about the car even though I don't know why! Planning ahead is giving me terrible anxiety and its just a car like. i don't know WTF is wrong with me! This is going on for weeks!

Ive logged into my work emails 12 times. People in work or really starting to take notice of it.

This might sound crazy to ye but something very serious is happening me in the last six months, no energy, RAAAAAAACCCCCCCIIIIINGGGGG thoughts and im getting sick of it!

mg1982

Ridemesideways wrote: »

New to this forum but anxiety is eating me alive. Just spent the last 5 hours coming up with a budget for the month and keep think about im not saving enough money and re-doing it over and over again. This is constantly in my head in my head every day after work. Also planning on what I will buy for dinner every day for the month, lunch for work, Planning every day to the exact time of what I will do every day like trips etc.

I booked my NCT and rescheduled the dates 7 times in the last two hours. Something needs to be done to the car and ive written about 8 a4 pages of what exactly i need to get done and worrying about the car even though I don't know why! Planning ahead is giving me terrible anxiety and its just a car like. i don't know WTF is wrong with me! This is going on for weeks!

Ive logged into my work emails 12 times. People in work or really starting to take notice of it.

This might sound crazy to ye but something very serious is happening me in the last six months, no energy, RAAAAAAACCCCCCCIIIIINGGGGG thoughts and im getting sick of it!

Sounds like the anxiety has really taken a hold on you. It can build momentum over periods of time where it gets to a point that its almost impossible to function. Everyday stresses like money worries can add to it. Is there anything you can do to take your mind off it at least for a while.

freudiangirl

scrimshanker wrote: »

I want to die again. I want to kill myself and cease to be. I wish I could wipe all traces of myself from the planet.

Hugs scrim.
I feel similar tonight- as if my train of thought suddenly became covered in dementors (harry potter).
I dunno, I think I go kinda high-ish for few days cope that way then end up down in dumps

Ridemesideways

mg1982 wrote: »

Sounds like the anxiety has really taken a hold on you. It can build momentum over periods of time where it gets to a point that its almost impossible to function. Everyday stresses like money worries can add to it. Is there anything you can do to take your mind off it at least for a while.

Now I'm trying to plan my day tomorrow and going through another few pages on an a4 pad

I really can't focus on tv or anything like that anymore. Its been going about six months now but really bad the last while. No energy, some days badly depressed, other days okay but anxiety is always there.

scrimshanker

Ridemesideways wrote: »

Now I'm trying to plan my day tomorrow and going through another few pages on an a4 pad

I really can't focus on tv or anything like that anymore. Its been going about six months now but really bad the last while. No energy, some days badly depressed, other days okay but anxiety is always there.

Can you explain the list thing? What is it you're trying to achieve? Do you make a list enumerating every possibility? Or are you making bullet points of the key things that are a priority for tomorrow?

What would happen if you limited the list to one page, or didn't do it at all?

Ridemesideways

scrimshanker wrote: »

Can you explain the list thing? What is it you're trying to achieve? Do you make a list enumerating every possibility? Or are you making bullet points of the key things that are a priority for tomorrow?

What would happen if you limited the list to one page, or didn't do it at all?

If I didn't make the list I would be tossing and turning all night wondering about it.

I honestly don't know, like NCT which sounds really stupid is constantly in my mind and what date to do it on, what date to bring it to mechanic before it etc. Money is more lists and savings and expenditure. I just cant stay still.

Like tomorrow I'm anxious about it, like part of my list tomorrow is set alarm for 10, shopping 11, walk at 2 and now NCT is coming back into the list and money. I am contanstly doing it and tossing and turning at night over it and finding it difficult to sleep.

Its very very strange, its like anything happening in my life I have anxiety about.

Like last weekend I was sitting at home and then just drove around for hours. Once I'm busy im not too bad but not busy I'm an anxious wreck.

I know it sounds strange but going to the doctor next week. Can't live like this.

scrimshanker

Ridemesideways wrote: »

If I didn't make the list I would be tossing and turning all night wondering about it.

I honestly don't know, like NCT which sounds really stupid is constantly in my mind and what date to do it on, what date to bring it to mechanic before it etc. Money is more lists and savings and expenditure. I just cant stay still.

Like tomorrow I'm anxious about it, like part of my list tomorrow is set alarm for 10, shopping 11, walk at 2 and now NCT is coming back into the list and money. I am contanstly doing it and tossing and turning at night over it and finding it difficult to sleep.

Its very very strange, its like anything happening in my life I have anxiety about.

Like last weekend I was sitting at home and then just drove around for hours. Once I'm busy im not too bad but not busy I'm an anxious wreck.

I know it sounds strange but going to the doctor next week. Can't live like this.

I think the doctor is the best bet really, sounds like your life is being swallowed up a bit.

Would you consider trying to experiment with the anxiety? Like, give yourself a half hour two or three times a day in which you make your list and you worry profusely about the list and things on it. If you start worrying outside of that time, you say "ok, it's not list time, I'm waiting until it's my worry window to worry about this"?

One thing I've found useful in terms of limiting the grip that worry has on me is to just accept that I'm worried and anxious, rather than trying to fight it. Fighting is hard, it drains you of all your energy, which isn't going to be much because worrying also drains you of energy.

Keep posting here though, it's a very friendly nice bunch

greenfrogs

I have just literally stuffed myself with food to the point I am feeling unwell. I know I should practise non judgemental thoughts and just start again tomorrow. I think I am going to be another 2 stone heavier at Christmas at the rate I'm currently gaining weight though.

I think it is so stupid not having individual therapy while doing dbt group therapy. Individual therapy is invaluable. I, like many others doing it, need one on one time and therapy. I have no one to talk to outside of this therapy and my gp. I can't be going to my gp for every little thing. It was nice having individual therapy. She used build up my self belief every time I went to her. Now I have no one doing that. It sounds so childish but I feel less motivated and less special. That this is it. This is my life. Living at home with my parents, working for minimum wage and getting fatter.

Diamond Doll

I know what you mean about the individual therapy greenfrogs ... I've been seeing my GP weekly for the past several weeks, and that weekly chat is absolutely invaluable. I'd say he hates to see me coming because I'm always in with him for ages! He doesn't seem to mind though, and he's great both for listening and for giving advice. I find it a million times better than any group therapy I've ever done.

greenfrogs

Diamond Doll wrote: »

I know what you mean about the individual therapy greenfrogs ... I've been seeing my GP weekly for the past several weeks, and that weekly chat is absolutely invaluable. I'd say he hates to see me coming because I'm always in with him for ages! He doesn't seem to mind though, and he's great both for listening and for giving advice. I find it a million times better than any group therapy I've ever done.

I'm really glad you have such a great gp. It makes such a difference. I doubt he hates seeing you coming. Some doctors really care about their patients and that comes across in how they treat you.

I think the group therapy I'm in is the first of its kind here. We do questionnaires on our progress from time to time. My comments will be a lot harsher next time.

Sometimes I don't even understand myself. Last weekend I was in an awful state but when I went to my gp I said I'm fine. It wasn't that I was lying deliberately. But it just slipped my mind. Now I'm thinking she thinks I'm better than I am and that is playing on my mind loads.

Gremlinertia

Welcome to the thread Sideways, I see that you're going to your doctor, this is a great step.. Anxiety takes such a huge amount of time out of your life, it is such a hard burden to bear.. Perhaps discuss things with your doc, perhaps a counsellor or meditation or mindfulness.

Again, welcome to the thread, also feel free to pm me if you would like..

scrimshanker

greenfrogs wrote: »

I have just literally stuffed myself with food to the point I am feeling unwell. I know I should practise non judgemental thoughts and just start again tomorrow. I think I am going to be another 2 stone heavier at Christmas at the rate I'm currently gaining weight though.

I did the same yesterday, ate sweets and chocolate to the point that I thought I was going to be sick. Totally undid all my previous hard work. The only excuse I can come up with is that I had a tough couple of days, but eating everything around me and then hiding the evidence is hardly a healthy way of coping with stress. Very disappointed with myself.

mg1982

greenfrogs wrote: »

I'm really glad you have such a great gp. It makes such a difference. I doubt he hates seeing you coming. Some doctors really care about their patients and that comes across in how they treat you.

I think the group therapy I'm in is the first of its kind here. We do questionnaires on our progress from time to time. My comments will be a lot harsher next time.

Sometimes I don't even understand myself. Last weekend I was in an awful state but when I went to my gp I said I'm fine. It wasn't that I was lying deliberately. But it just slipped my mind. Now I'm thinking she thinks I'm better than I am and that is playing on my mind loads.

I can relate to that. Can feel terrible for weeks leading up to see my psychiatrist or therapist and then when im sitting in front of them i just say im ok. Too anxious to say otherwise. Its self defeating i know.

greenfrogs

mg1982 wrote: »

I can relate to that. Can feel terrible for weeks leading up to see my psychiatrist or therapist and then when im sitting in front of them i just say im ok. Too anxious to say otherwise. Its self defeating i know.

For some reason I usually cry when I go to my gp. Maybe that's why I didn't want to bring up the rough times. I didn't want to cry yet again.

Maybe you could write down the anxious feelings as they come. A brief diary and then, show this to the doctors.

greenfrogs

scrimshanker wrote: »

I did the same yesterday, ate sweets and chocolate to the point that I thought I was going to be sick. Totally undid all my previous hard work. The only excuse I can come up with is that I had a tough couple of days, but eating everything around me and then hiding the evidence is hardly a healthy way of coping with stress. Very disappointed with myself.

Do you wake up the next morning and still feel sick?

Scrim it does sound like the last few days gave been tough. It's isn't normal, every day stress you are talking about either.

jake is right

Image from http://files.sharenator.com/funny_sign_13-s260x260-7123.jpg.

scrimshanker

greenfrogs wrote: »

Do you wake up the next morning and still feel sick?

Scrim it does sound like the last few days gave been tough. It's isn't normal, every day stress you are talking about either.

Nah, but my binge was early afternoon so it would be impressive if I was still sick this morning.

There's a certain comfort that things are out of my hands, terrifying too, but I know it's the right thing to do and at least I have people around me who will make sure I have access to help and support. I half wonder if I was just waiting on someone to say I had to report it. Just came as an awful shock when it actually happened.

Hugo Stiglitz

mg1982 wrote: »

I can relate to that. Can feel terrible for weeks leading up to see my psychiatrist or therapist and then when im sitting in front of them i just say im ok. Too anxious to say otherwise. Its self defeating i know.

That's been my way for years now. I just can't bring myself to tell the total truth at times. That being said, when I have volunteered more details, they're never really taken too seriously.

timecurve12

I'm finding it really hard to leave the house, it's not that I feel too anxious or anything, it's just that I can't be bothered most of the time. I know it's not healthy to spend all my time inside but anytime I force myself to go somewhere, I just want to come home again. I just don't have the energy or motivation or whatever. The other day I got showered and dressed and ready to go then sat down and couldn't make myself go out.

I am feeling a bit down, quite sad and emotional, getting upset and despondent, but don't think I'm depressed really... I thought the anti depressants were keeping my head above water, but I don't know now. Kind of wish I could just lay down to sleep and die peacefully, or (complete fantasy land here) I could disappear, and any memory of me anyone else had would disappear too. If I had that option I would take it. I want to not be in this world anymore. I have tears in my eyes now, but I also find it funny how utterly depressing that whole rant was, sorry about that (lol)

Hugo Stiglitz

timecurve12 wrote: »

Kind of wish I could just lay down to sleep and die peacefully, or (complete fantasy land here) I could disappear, and any memory of me anyone else had would disappear too. If I had that option I would take it. I want to not be in this world anymore. I have tears in my eyes now, but I also find it funny how utterly depressing that whole rant was, sorry about that (lol)

Would you believe that that is actually one of my main fantasies? Mine is to live away in the wilderness but with every modern convenience available to me. I wouldn't be dead but all memory of me would be gone, so that my family wouldn't be upset. It's horrible that we have to dream up scenarios such as these.